EXT. MODERN OCEAN LINER - DAY

BILL PAXTON and his RAGTAG CREW are scouring the site where the Titanic went down eons earlier. They are looking for jewelry.

BILL PAXTON
We are not!

Yes they are. They're high-tech thieves.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
They are not! And by the way, the Bill Paxton character is not at all supposed to resemble me in any way.

BILL PAXTON and his RAGTAG CREW find a perfectly preserved sketch of a girl wearing a big-ass diamond. They get very excited because the diamond is obviously worth a whole heck of a lot. This finding is broadcast on some pointless cable channel.

INT. MODERN HOUSE - DAY

OLD ROSE and SUZY AMIS are sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing when OLD ROSE sees the broadcast of the sketch found in the wreck of the Titanic.

OLD ROSE
Hey! That's me!

EXT. MODERN OCEAN LINER - DAY

BILL PAXTON and his RAGTAG CREW receive OLD ROSE and SUZY AMIS onboard their liner. OLD ROSE goes down into the bowels of the ship to look at the sketch and reveal that the girl in the picture is indeed her. For reasons unknown to anybody but JAMES CAMERON, the entire crew of the ocean liner then gather around her as she tells the fantastic tale of her love story onboard the Titanic.

EXT. LAST CENTURY BOAT DOCK - DAY

KATE WINSLET and BILLY ZANE get out of a really expensive old-world car in old-world clothes. They stare up at the Titanic and everybody (including the soundtrack) is impressed by her mammoth size and grandeur. Except KATE WINSLET because she is a pouty rich brat.

KATE WINSLET
Ho hum. How I wish some cute young thing would distract me from the tedium of being first class.

INT. LOCAL TAVERN - DAY

A game of poker is being won by LEONARDO DICAPRIO and his BUDDY. The stakes are high because two tickets to ride the Titanic have just been laid down. Which would make this a game of life or death only nobody playing knows that yet.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
I'm so subtle.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I am just the cute young thing to take Kate's mind off her high society woes. This movie will destroy me as an actor and turn me in a riotous party animal and teen poster boy but what the hell? It pays well.

EXT. BOAT DOCK - DAY

Everybody is boarding Titanic for her maiden voyage and it is an exciting moment. LEONARDO DICAPRIO and his BUDDY barely make it onboard. Titanic shoves off and lots of little boats flee her wake in terror.

COMPOSER JAMES HORNER
Isn't this magnificent? Don't you think Celine Dion should be standing on the prow right now to sing Titanic out into sea? Wouldn't that about make things perfect?

AUDIENCE
That WOULD make things perfect. This is a great movie so far.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
I know.

INT. TITANIC FIRST CLASS SUITE - DAY

KATE WINSLET is unpacking her multitude of bags while BILLY ZANE critcizes her taste in art.

BILLY ZANE
Picasso? You must be mad.

KATE WINSLET
I can barely contain my contempt for you.

Many scenes of lavish first class dining and luxurious first class surroundings follow. Then come many scenes of unappetizing lower class dining and cramped lower class surroundings. KATE WINSLET enjoys champagne and gilded gowns while LEONARDO DICAPRIO steps over other passengers to steal a smoke on the loading deck. This enforces the idea that she is first class and he is not and she is therefore utterly out of his reach. Naturally the next scene shows their eyes meeting over a crowded deck. The soundtrack swells.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO
She WILL be mine, oh yes... she WILL be mine.

KATE WINSLET
Dream on, lover boy.

EXT. PROW OF TITANIC - NIGHT

KATE WINSLET attempts to fling herself off the Titanic to end the misery of her luxurious life. LEONARDO DICAPRIO prevents her from doing so though she didn't ask him to and neither did anybody else in the theatre.

AUTHOR GABRIELLE
Thanks a whole damn lot, Leo. *checks watch*

Due to LEONARDO'S heroic actions, he is awarded a first class dinner out of gratitude. He suits up in a tux and wines and dines with the snobs before whisking KATE WINSLET away to the lower decks for a foot-stomping good-times party. They fall in love.

BILLY ZANE
What does he have that I don't?

KATE WINSLET
Hair, for one thing.

INT. TITANIC FIRST CLASS SUITE - DAY

LEONARDO DICAPRIO sketches KATE WINSLET wearing nothing but the big-ass diamond that BILLY ZANE gave her earlier on.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
I drew that picture.

AUDIENCE
Bully for you.

BILLY ZANE is not too impressed with KATE WINSLET'S behavior around LEONARDO DICAPRIO and sends his WICKED HENCHMAN to chase them and bring them in for discipline. This leads to a chase scene through the Titanic decks which ends with KATE and LEONARDO steaming up an antique car together. After this illicit rendevous, KATE and LEONARDO go out on deck and the Titanic hits an iceberg.

MALE AUDIENCE
WHOA!! Did they just have sex?

FEMALE AUDIENCE
*sniffling* Young love, impending doom, the wailing soundtrack... I need a tissue.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
Pay attention. The Titanic just hit an iceberg. You're about to see where those multi-millions went.

The Titanic begins to sink. Water fills the decks one by one and people start crowding into lifeboats and the band plays on, etc etc. BILLY ZANE chases LEONARDO DICAPRIO and KATE WINSLET through the sinking ship with a gun.

BILLY ZANE
You'd rather freeze? Have it your way.

BILLY ZANE gets into a lifeboat while KATE WINSLET and LEONARDO DICAPRIO cling to the prow of the Titanic. Water has now drowned just about everyone in second and third class and first class pandemonium results in the lifeboats being either toppled or sent out half-empty. The band plays on, the boat raises out of the water, bodies swirl in the submerged cabins...

JAMES CAMERON
Isn't this great?

Finally Titanic sinks.

MALE AUDIENCE
About damn time.

FEMALE AUDIENCE
*sobbing*

KATE WINSLET and LEONARDO DICAPRIO fight through the crowds in the sub-zero water and find a piece of board to cling to. As it only holds the weight of one (like nobody saw THAT coming), KATE gets on top and LEONARDO stays in the water. Many hours pass before LEONARDO dies.

FEMALE AUDIENCE
*wailing* He's DEAD?? Noooooo!!!

KATE WINSLET
I will never love again.

WILLIAM GOLDMAN
Hey! That's my line from The Princess Bride. Find your own mournful mantra, honey. That one's copyrighted.

KATE WINSLET
I will never let go.

KATE WINSLET lets go of LEONARDO DICAPRIO. She cracks his fingers off hers and he sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic. A lifeboat rescues her. Later, onboard a helpful passing ocean liner, she avoids both her MOTHER and BILLY ZANE and tells the crew her name is actually LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the big-ass diamond.

INT. MODERN OCEAN LINER - NIGHT

OLD ROSE
... that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

BILL PAXTON
*sobbing* It was great.

EXT. MODERN OCEAN LINER - NIGHT

OLD ROSE creeps out of her bedroom and climbs the rail of the ocean liner. She tosses the big-ass diamond overboard.

MALE AUDIENCE
Noooooooo!!! What is she DOING??

INT. MODERN OCEAN LINER - NIGHT

OLD ROSE dies surrounded by pictures of her living life to the fullest after the whole Titanic thing. In her head she goes back to Titanic and meets up with LEONARDO DICAPRIO again. Which I suppose translates into her going to hell. Or some form of particularly brutish purgatory.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON
Wasn't that the best movie you've ever seen?

FEMALE AUDIENCE
*wiping their eyes* Oh man... I've got to see that about 12 more times.

COMPOSER JAMES HORNER
And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

CELINE DION
Neeeeeeaaaaar, faaaaaaar, whereeeeeeeever you aaaaaare...

The End.