Scene: A great Temple, around which several monks are milling. A path leads from a small wood, and on the path are a girl and her pokémon...

Victoria: So I says to Mabel, I says... huh? Sam? [She turns to look behind her, but there's only Gobailie at her feet.] Sam? Where are you?

Gobailie: Bailie? Bailie!

Victoria: Uh oh. I think we've lost her. Either that, or she's lost herself. At any rate...

[she and Gobailie exchange mournful looks.]

Victoria: This is not good. I have a very bad feeling about this­

Sudden Voice From Back In The Woods: Victoria!

Victoria: Sam?

Gobailie: Bailie? Go?

[A girl emerges from the trees. It's not Sam, but­]

Victoria&Gobailie: Linda! What are you doing here?!

Linda: [looking around, confused] I don't know. What am I doing here?

[Victoria shrugs.]

Victoria: Maybe you're lost, like me. Where's your map?

Linda: [she blinks in confusion] Map? I'm supposed to have a map?

Victoria: [holding her head in her hands] Oh god. She's even more directionally-challenged than I am!

[Gobailie starts to howl in despair]

Victoria: Quiet, you. Linda, do you know where you're supposed to be going?

[Linda nods vigorously. Then, confused, she stops and then starts shaking her head instead.]

Victoria: This is not good. First we lose Sam, then Linda loses herself, what else could go wrong?

[As if on Universal Irony Alert, a band of monks emerge from the forest.]

Lead Monk: Ah! Excellent! More fighters!

Victoria, Linda and Gobailie: ?

Lead Monk: Good, we've been waiting for you. Lord Rayden is expecting you. To the Temple!

[The monks grab Victoria and Linda, propelling them towards the temple on the hill. Gobailie runs along side.]

Victoria: Lord Rayden? Uh oh.

Linda: Oh, neat, I've never met a lord before...

Victoria: [growing panicked] Linda, I don't want to alarm you, but I think we may have wondered into the Mortal Kombat movie...

[Linda looks confused.]

Linda: Mortal Kombat? But isn't that... [her eyes get very big] Uh oh.

Lead Monk, Or Possible Random Monk: Yes, the Mortal Kombat tournament, where we will risk our lives in the glorious battle to save our Realm.

Victoria&Linda: HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!

Scene: The Temple of the Order of Light, in the courtyard. Victoria and Linda have been placed with the other contestants. No one seems to notice the fact that neither of them are in any sense fighting material.

Victoria: No! Really! I'm a complete wimp! I run at the sight of paper, that's how scared I am of paper cuts! Really! Super wimpy!

Random Fighter: Ha ha! Get a load of this one! Listen, babe, you wouldn't have gotten picked if you weren't worthy of it.

Victoria: But that's the thing, we weren't­ [her eyes start to twitch] Did you just call me 'babe'?

Random Fighter: Sure did, sweetstuff. Hey, maybe after the fight, you and I could­

Victoria: [pointing at the Random Fighter] Gobailie! Quick attack!

Linda: Vic! Stop that!

[It's too late; Gobailie has made a leap for the fighter, trying to bite him. The fighter tries to block the pokémon's teeth, but fails. Gobailie sinks its fangs into his leg.]

Random Fighter: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!

All The Other Random Fighters: Ha ha!

Linda: Vic, call Gobailie off. This isn't going to help anything.

Victoria: But he called me 'babe'! Also 'sweetstuff'!

Linda: Vic...

[Victoria grumbles, then makes a gesture to Gobailie, who lets go of the fighter and comes to sit at her side.]

Linda: Now, we should concentrate on finding a way out of here. Maybe that lord guy could help us.

Victoria: Yeah, right. He's Lord Rayden, God of Thunder, Linda, and not the local chieftain. He's not going to listen to us. [She stops, thinking.] Actually, maybe he would. That gives me an idea. C'mon, Linda. The monks should be meeting with Liu Kang right about now...

Linda: Who what when how?

Victoria: Trust me. I know this movie like I know... um... ice cream.

Linda: Ice cream?!

[Victoria shrugs]

Victoria: It was the first thing that came to mind! Come on! [She starts off, Gobailie at her heels.]

Scene: The inside of the Temple. The monks are gathered listening to Liu Kang and Rayden.

Liu Kang: I will represent this Temple at the Tournament, with, or without, your consent! [He storms off in a temper tantrum]

Victoria: [in a hushed whisper, from behind row of monks] There's Rayden! Quick! [She doesn't make any move. Linda and Gobailie stare at her.]

Linda: Well? What are you waiting for?

Victoria: [sheepishly] I'm just suddenly really embarrassed.

[Linda and Gobailie exchange irritated looks. Gobailie bites Victoria on the behind and she leaps up, squealing]

Victoria: WAAAA­ [she realises everyone is staring at her, including Rayden] I mean, ummm, yoohoo! Lord Rayden!

Linda: [slapping her forehead] 'Yoohoo Lord Rayden'? I think we'd better go help, Gobailie.

Gobailie: Gogo.

[They get up and drag the now-embarrassed-and-sore Victoria up towards the front of the courtyard where Rayden and several dozen monks are staring at them incredulously.]

Elder Monk: Who are you? How dare you address Lord Rayden in such a fashion!

Victoria: [indignant] Hey, I only yelled 'yoohoo', it's not like I­ [Linda gives her a sharp elbow in the ribs]. Um, I mean, uh, Lord Rayden, we're like, um...

Rayden: [narrows his eyes suspiciously] I didn't send an invitation to you two, did I?

Victoria: Exactly! I mean, uh, no, you didn't. That's that we have to talk to you about, see, because you uh... well, we'd like to go home and­

Rayden: [still suspicious] You look really familiar.

[Victoria suddenly clams up, the colour draining from her face. Linda, confused, tries to poke her again, but this provokes no response.]

Linda: Vic? Vic, are you okay?

Rayden: Vic... where have I heard that name before...

Linda: Well, maybe you've heard of her, because she writes a lot of MK fanfiction, you know­

[Victoria grabs Linda and starts shaking her vigourously.]

Victoria: Shut up shut up shut up!

Rayden: Vic... writing fanfiction... [his eyes narrow even more so and thunder rumbles over head, ominously in the clear sky] That sounds really familiar... wait just a second! You aren't Biku by any chance, are you?!

[Victoria makes a faint gargling noise. Linda, extremely proud, nods in agreement.]

Linda: Yeah, that's what she's called. Biku. And she's written­

[Victoria grabs Linda, starting to shake her again, but Linda continues unabated]

Linda: ­novels and tons of short stories and she's got her own webpage and stuff and it's really cool and­

Rayden: [furious] You're Biku?! You're the one that keeps throwing me and everyone else into deep peril? You're the one that continually threatens to blow up the Omniverse?! YOU'RE the one who KILLED me OFF?!?

[Linda's mouth snaps shut as she suddenly realises her fatal mistake. Victoria tries to voice a defense, but no sound comes out. Gobailie whimpers and trembles by her feet.]

Scene: The Mortal Kombat dragon ship. Victoria and Linda are in the hold, in rusty chains. Gobailie is tied up with a rope nearby.

Victoria: Good going, Linda. Good job.

Linda: How was I supposed to know that you killed him off?!

Victoria: Could have just followed my lead, kept yer trap shut, but nooooo you had to go all 'she writes novels!' on me!

Linda: I didn't know!

Gobailie: Go! Gogogooooooo....

Victoria: I know you hate being tied up, Gobailie, but there's nothing that I can do about it right now.

Linda: You know, this hasn't really turned out to be a fun adventure so far.

Victoria: What were expecting?! A carnival cruise? This is a Mortal Kombat movie!

Linda: Well this is still all your fault! Why couldn't you write fanfiction about little fluffy puppies or something?

Victoria: I'll 'fluffy puppy' you, you­ [She strains forward, but the chains stop her.] Dammit.

Linda: I suppose we could just try to make the best of it.

Victoria: How are we supposed to do that? Have a sing-along? Rattle our chains in a rhythmic fashion? We're going to to die, Linda, we're going to be Goro fodder.

Linda: Who?

Victoria: Never mind. Enjoy some blissfull ignorance before the end­hey, what's that?

[All three pause to listen.]

Linda: Shouting. And... ice cracking?

Victoria: [with glee] That must be Sub Zero. That means that we're nearly at the island! [She stops.] Oh, wait a minute, that means we're nearly at the island. Oh crap. Oh well, nice knowing you! We're all going to die soon.

[Gobailie, meanwhile, developed an itch, and started scratching. The sharp claws on its hind legs started to rip through the rope, until, suddenly, the rope broke.]

Victoria: Or, in an unexpected plot twist, we could find ourselves free!

Linda: Yay! I mean... what? How is Gobailie going to­

[Gobailie, after shaking itself off, goes up to Victoria's chains and chomps right through them. She gets to her feet, rubbing her wrists, as Gobailie frees Linda.]

Victoria: I just love poké-physics! [She picks up Gobailie, squeezing it. It purrs contentedly.]

Scene: the top deck of the dragon ship.

Rayden: And it's not about death but life­you two again?!

[Victoria and Linda emerge from below, Gobailie in Victoria's arms.]

Victoria&Linda: Uh oh.

[Johnny Cage, Liu Kang, and Sonya Blade stare at the pair.]

Johnny: What the hell is this? Groupies?

Sonya: Get real, Johnny.

Victoria: Okay, seems like you guys need your alone time, so we'll just be going...

[She and Linda start to make a hasty get-away, but Rayden grabs them by the collars and hauls them back]

Rayden: Oh no you don't. Get back here.

Linda: Uh oh!

Victoria: Oh crap oh crap oh crap we're all going to die oh crap oh crap­Hey! Wait a minute!

[Rayden, startled by her exclamation, lets go. She immediately grabs Linda and jumps out of reach.]

Victoria: I just remembered! You can't hurt us! You're already losing your dominion blah blah.

Linda: What?

Liu, Johnny and Sonya: What?

Rayden: [grumbles]

Victoria: Ha HA!

Linda: Huh?

Gobailie: Go! Gobailie!

Victoria: Exactly!

Everyone Else: WHAT?

Victoria: Oh yeah, I forgot, no one else speaks Poké-speak. Gobailie's right, you can't do anything to us, we're integral to the plot!

Linda: We are? [Vic elbows her in the ribs] I mean, oh yeah, we are!

Rayden: [through narrowed eyes] How do you figure?

Victoria: Uh... [she looks panicked for a moment until Divine Inspiration strikes] Well, see, it's like this. Now that Linda and I are here, we're obviously integral, because, like, stuff happens, you know? And we know what's going to happen. So we could like, tell you, and stuff. Only if we do, then we can alter the plot course. So really, we hold the fate of the movie in the palm of our hands! [She puncuates this by smacking her fist into her open palm]. Ha ha, take that!

Rayden: You're on crack. I could easily kill you and then there won't be any problems with the plot.

Victoria: Uh oh, he's right! Run for it, Linda!

Linda: Wait. I've got an idea. How about, instead of killing us, you just send us home? And then we won't bother the plot at all.

Everybody Else: Huh. That is a better plan.

Victoria: Smart thinking there, Linda.

Rayden: [shrugs] I could just send you home, but on the other hand, you take great pleasure in torturing me... [he advances menacingly, and Victoria shrieks, hiding behind Linda.]

Victoria: [assorted whimpers]

Linda: But I thought that you were losing your dominions. Or whatever.

[Rayden stops in his tracks.]

Rayden: You're right. Dammit. I'll have to wait until after the Tournament to thundershock yer ass.

Victoria: [more assorted whimpers]

Liu: Well, since they have to come, why don't they help?

[Victoria, and Linda burst into open laughter.]

Linda: Ha ha!

Victoria: Yeah, right!

Gobailie: Bai-lie.

Victoria: Yeah, we're totally­wait a second, what do you mean by that?!

Gobailie: Bailie bailie gogobailie go bailie go. [It wags its tail helpfully.]

Victoria: Huh. Hadn't thought of it that way.

Linda: Well?

Victoria: [thoughtfully] Gobailie thinks we should just lay low. That way we won't be affecting the plot, and it also says that Rayden shouldn't kill us, 'cause, I mean, think about all the good stuff I've written in.

Rayden: Like what?

Victoria: [whispers something in his ear]

Rayden: [nodding thoughtfully] You got a point there. Okay. You two­

Gobailie: Go!

Rayden: Sorry, three--stay out of plot's way and we'll forget about this whole thing.

Linda: [sighs with relief] Glad that's worked out.

Victoria: [picks up Gobailie] Yeah, who's a smart little poké-cookie? Yeah, it's Gobailie! Yes it is! [She starts cuddling and cooing to it, while Gobailie purrs and the rest of the on-lookers grow nauseated.]

Johnny: Oh man, I've never been sea-sick before, but I think I'm about to start....

Scene: The Mortal Kombat Beach. Everyone files out of the boats, except Johnny Cage who is weighed down by his suitcases and tumbles into the water. Everyone has a hearty laugh, especially Victoria.

Victoria: [wiping her eyes dry] Man, that scene hasn't lost anything.

Linda: [looking around] This is a nice place. Where are we exactly?

Victoria: Thailand.

Liu: [giving Victoria a dirty look] We're on Shang Tsung's island, a separate dimension from the rest of Earth Realm.

Victoria: That's what I said. Thailand.

Linda: [nodding in agreement] Where ever it is, it's very nice and peaceful.

Sonya: Not for much longer. This island is going to become a battleground in a few hours.

Linda: Oh dear. That's not good, is it?

Victoria: That's an understatement. Just think, in a few hours, we'll be fighting for our lives...

Scene: Same beach, a few hours later. A fight ring has been set up on the sand. A crowd gathers around it. Shang Tsung sits at a throne, over-looking the contestants: Liu Kang and Some Nameless Extra [SNE]. Sonya and Johnny are in the crowd. Victoria and Linda are sitting on deckchairs.

Linda: [sipping from her drink, which is pink and has a tiny umbrella] ...or we could be sipping pina coladas on the beach.

Victoria: [holding a bottle of sunscreen] Come here, Gobailie! You don't want to get a sunburned nose, do you?

Linda: [looking over at the crowd of cheering/screaming people] Maybe we ought to watch the fight.

Victoria: Why? I know what happens already. [She succeeds in dabbing sunscreen on Gobailie's nose. It howls, trying to wipe it off.] The extra buys it.

Linda: Buys what?

Victoria: [irritated] He kicks the bucket.

Linda: What bucket?

Victoria: THE EXTRA DIES, LINDA.

[Several people in the crowd turn, startled by her yell. Then they start exchanging this information. There's a sudden clap of thunder and Rayden appears between the two deck chairs.]

Rayden: [glaring down at the pair] What did I say about revealing plot information?

Victoria: Sorry. Sheesh. It's not like anybody couldn't see it coming, anyway.

Rayden: Just don't reveal anything else.

Victoria: Yeah, fine, whatever. [He glares at her, and she sticks her tongue out at him. He disappears in another clap of thunder.]

Linda: [sipping from her drink] You know, it might not be wise to piss him off.

Victoria: [shrugs, then picks up her magazine] Eh. He has no dominion here, blah blah. And besides, he owes me.

Linda: I thought you killed him off in your fanfics.

Victoria: Yeah, but I brought him back. And I got him hitched to the Goddess of Fire. He owes me big time.

Linda: You got a point there. Oh, no, my drink's all gone. [She raises her hand over her head and snaps her fingers. A SNE comes running over.]

SNE: You snapped, oh favourite of the gods?

Linda: More pina colada, please.

SNE: Certainly, oh beloved of Rayden. [He scurries off, taking her empty glass.]

Victoria: [staring at her in wonder and awe] 'Beloved of the gods'?

Linda: [shaking her head] 'favourite of the gods, beloved of Rayden'. I discovered that the monk extras are really willing to please once they found out I was on speaking terms with their god.

Victoria: [evil grin]

Linda: But on the other hand, we probably don't want to abuse the service too much.

Victoria: Too much. Got it. [She snaps her fingers.] Oh, extra....

SNE: [bringing Linda's drink] You called, useless one?

Victoria: [indignant] Hey, I wouldn't talk like that to me. Me and Rayden are like...thisclose. I can call up the Thunder God any time I want to. Bring me a drink.

SNE: I don't believe you.

Victoria: ART DIES!

[there's a sudden clap of thunder and Rayden appears. The monk falls to his knees.]

SNE: I believe you, I believe you! [he scurries off]

Victoria: Goddammit, I love it here.

Rayden: [menacingly] I thought I told you not to do that any more...

Victoria: Hichan!

Rayden: [grumbles]

[he disappears in yet another clap of thunder, while Linda stares in confusion.]

Linda: What was that all about?

Victoria: Just reminding him of the good things I've done for him...

Scene: That night in Shang Tsung's castle. Everyone is gathered around, in the main hall, eating supper.

Victoria: You know, I never could figure out why the evil guy got such a fabulous island.

Linda: I'm sure you'll write a novel to sort it all out.

Victoria: [nods in agreement] With subplots.

Linda: You know, this story has been very twisty so far­we should have been in the middle of madness and mayhem, but so far we've spent the time sipping pina coladas.

Victoria: [shrugs] What can I say? Twisty-plottiness abounds when I'm around. Hey! That rhymes. Almost. Pass me more rice, extra.

[An SNE brings her another bowl of rice.]

Liu Kang: You really shouldn't abuse their faith like that.

Victoria: Yeah, I really shouldn't. More vegetables, extra.

Linda: Vic!

Victoria: What?

Linda: You're hogging all the water chestnuts.

Victoria: You're right! This ought to be remedied immediately! Extra, more water chestnuts!

Liu: [grumbles]

Johnny: That looks like great service. What did you do to get them acting like that?

[Victoria and Linda exchange glances]

Linda: [shrugs] Just by being favourites of the gods.

Victoria: Exactly. Hey­isn't it time for you guys to­whoops. Never mind.

[Johnny, Liu, and Sonya stare at her in bewilderment. Linda nods, thoughtfully.]

Linda: About to reveal a plot point?

Victoria: [nods sadly, then brightens] But I resisted!

[Johnny, Sonya and Liu exchange glances.]

Johnny: You know, I had the weirdest thing happen to me, today­

Victoria: [interrupting] Let me guess: you found yourself in an orchard, and then you were attacked by Scorpion for no reason.

Linda: Orchard?

Johnny: Yeah, that's right. How did you­oh, wait. Never mind.

Linda: Orchard? What orchard?

Victoria: [shrugging] That's one of the Great Mortal Kombat mysteries, Linda. Just let it go.

Linda: But... an orchard? Here?

Victoria: Let it go...

Linda: But how could­

Victoria: I SAID LET IT GO, LINDA!

[Gobailie whimpers and dives under the table. Victoria tosses him a few water chestnuts to keep him happy.]

Victoria: Yeah, so, anyway...

Liu: [getting to her feet] I've had enough of this. We're risking our lives, while you know perfectly well what happens, and yet you won't change anything? Look at what happened to Art­how could you let any of that happen to us?

Victoria: [angrily] Look, it's not my fault! Rayden won't let me do anything!

[Sonya Blade rolls her eyes and leaves the table.]

Liu: Hey­where are you going?

Sonya: I'm just going to go for a walk on the beach. [she leaves the hall]

Victoria: [nodding] Ah, yes. The beach scene. One of the cheesiest moments in cinematic history.

Linda: [holding head in despair] What is going on?

Liu: Sonya's got a point. You knew about Art's death, didn't you?

[Victoria nods sadly, while patting Linda's shoulder consolingly]

Victoria: But, I mean, it's not like me telling you would change anything about what happened, 'cause, like, it's going to happen whether you know or not, you know?

Liu and Linda: What? That didn't make any sense!

Linda: I'm so confuuuuuuused!

Kang: I think I'm going to meditate for a while. I'll see you later. [He raises an eyebrow at Victoria.]

Victoria: [she winks theatrically] That you will. I'll see *all three* of you guys later...

[There's a sudden rumble of thunder and Rayden appears, arms crossed over his chest.]

Victoria: I didn't do anything!

Linda: I'M SO CONFUSED! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AT ALL! WAAAAAAAHHHH!

[Rayden rolls his eyes and disappears]

Victoria: Okay, Linda, since everybody important is gone, I'll fill you in: Art was a friend of Johnny's and he got killed earlier today by Goro. 'Kay? [Linda nods] 'Kay. Now, Johnny, this morning, was attacked by Scorpion in one of the most under-explained fight sequences ever. And Liu was attacked by Sub Zero, with Kitana doing her best-cryptic-Obi-wan-Kenobi impression. Both bad guys are dead now, 'kay? [Linda nods again.] 'Kay. Finally, the beach scene is the bit where Johnny tells Sonya that he loves her and that he's going to risk himself so that she doesn't get killed. 'Kay?

Linda: I think I get everything now.

Victoria: Okeydokey.

Linda: You still shouldn't get Rayden mad at you.

Victoria: Don't worry, I've got a few more things he owes me for up my sleeve.

Linda: You're in a bathing suit.

Victoria: Metaphorical sleeve, Linda. Metaphorical.

Linda: Oh. This movie is really confusing.

Victoria: How can it be? There's hardly any plot.

Linda: No, I just mean keeping track of everybody.

Victoria: Oh. Oh, that's easy. The villians are all mostly dead by now anyway. Just listen to the soundtrack. If it's ominous when a character is speaking, they're evil. If it's stirring and moving, then they're good.

Linda: And if it's playing 'Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows'?

Victoria: Then it's us.

Scene: The arena. Goro has just entered, ready to fight with Johnny Cage. Rayden is standing nearby, to make sure that Victoria doesn't blurt anything out while the fight goes on.

Linda: I'm sorry, one more time: why are they fighting each other?

Victoria: [holding her head in her hands] Just watch the fight, Linda.

Linda: Okay, but this doesn't make much sense....

Victoria: It's a frickin' Mortal Kombat movie, Linda! It's not supposed to make sense! It's just supposed to be kick-ass!

Linda: [watching the fight] Well, it certainly is that, at least. [she cringes as Johnny Cage punches Goro in a tender area] Ouch. That's got to hurt...

Victoria and Rayden: Ha ha!

[Rayden, in his enthusiasm, punches the shoulder of the SNE standing next to him]

Rayden: Oops, sorry.

Victoria: Go Johnny! [she starts cheering]

Gobailie: Go! Go! Go!

[Victoria laughs and pats it on the head]

Linda: [getting into the spirit] You know, I'm just starting to enjoy watching this...

[Johnny leads Goro away from the crowd]

Linda: Huh? Where are they going?

Victoria: Uh oh. This is the start of the lead-up to the Apocolyptic Fight Scene, Linda!

Linda: Huh? [She tries to decipher Victoria's statement, then gives up] I thought we were watching a fight scene!

Victoria: We were. But that wasn't the Apocolyptic Fight Scene. C'mon, just follow me.

Scene: Victoria, Linda and Gobailie, followed by Rayden, emerge in the courtyard, just as Shang Tsung grabs Sonya and starts to pull her through a portal. Johnny and Liu Kang bound in from the opposite side, too late to stop the sorceror.

Johnny: Where's he taking her?!

Rayden: To Shao Khan's fortress in Outworld, where I cannot follow.

Johnny: We have to do something!

Rayden: [nodding] Shang Tsung forgot to mention something...

Liu Kang: [suddenly understanding] Sonya has to accept the challenge! Or there can be no Mortal Kombat!

Rayden: I have nothing more to teach you­

Victoria: [loud voice] BOR-ING! Let's just skip to the Outworld kicking ass scene! [She pulls Linda almost up to the mouth of the portal] See, Linda? That's a portal to Outworld!

Linda: Cool! What's an Outworld?

Gobailie: Go bailie! [It starts to charge off, but Victoria grabs it]

Victoria: I know you're the Moving-Type Pokemon, but you can't go there. It's horrible and savage. You'd get eaten alive!

[Rayden gets an evil grin.]

Johnny: Enough of this! I'm going to save Sonya!

Liu Kang: And I'm going to get Shang Tsung!

Victoria: You go right ahead and do that. Ciao.

[Johnny and Liu step up to the portal. It starts to form around them. At almost the last second, Rayden jumps forward and shoves Victoria and Gobailie through the portal]

Victoria: WAAAAAAHHHH!

Gobailie: GOOOOOO!

[The portal whisks them away]

Linda: That was mean!

Rayden: Ha ha! Serves her right!

[Linda jumps through the portal, after Victoria]

Scene: Outworld. A desolate, severe landscape, full of ruined buildings, smelly people, and an absence of shrubbery. The two Kombatants step out of the portal. Victoria falls out­because she was pushed­and lands flat on her face, Gobailie tumbling out of her arms. Linda jumps out of the portal, nearly lands on Victoria, but manages to avoid her.

Victoria: [spitting out Outworld sand from her mouth] Oh, that guy is soooo going to get it! Hichan angst! He's going to have to put up with Hichan angst!

[Linda pulls her to her feet, while Victoria continues to rant]

Victoria: And Lindara! I'm going to have Lindara in every story! For no reason! Just to stand around being annoying! And Jikan Tai is going to start feeling guilty again! And--

Liu: Come on you guys...

[Linda and Johnny Cage start to pull Victoria along as she continues to rain down fanfiction threats on the God of Thunder]

Victoria: And I'm going to make all the villians angsty too! All of them will have huge complexes! Angst will pour from the heavens, it will flood out of the monitors, spill onto the floors of the readers! Rayden will miserable for as long as I write! Vengenance will be mine!

Johnny: Oh christ. Won't anything shut her up?

Linda: [shaking her head] Nothing that we know of...

Gobailie: Go! Bailie bailie! [it turns and scratches its hind legs at Victoria, sending up a cloud of dust] Bailiego! [The dust turns glittery]

Linda: Uh oh, Johnny­duck! [she and Johnny leap aside, out of instinct, while Victoria, still ranting, is too distracted; the glitter settles around her]

Victoria: Vengance... revenge... will be... mine... [she yawns, and then falls over, asleep.]

Johnny and Liu: What the hell was that?

Linda: I'm not sure... but I think Gobailie said­

Johnny: Hold it­I thought you couldn't understand it.

Linda: [shrugs] I didn't think I could, but maybe because I've been around it so long...

Liu: What did it say?

Linda: I think it said something like 'Gobailie sleep powder attack'. But I'm not sure. I mean, 'sleep powder attack'? What does that mean?

Johnny: I don't know, but she's out like a light.

[They all regard Victoria, who is peacefully sleeping on the ground, murmuring threats and fanfiction incantations.]

Gobailie: Gobailie. [It wags its tail happily.]

Linda: Uh oh. It says that she's going to be out for a few scenes, at least.

Liu: Good. Now we can actually get something done around here....

Scene: The inside of Shao Khan's fortress. Victoria is beginning to wake up. Linda is sitting nearby, waiting by the door to make sure no one comes in. Liu and Johnny are no where in sight.

Victoria: [groggy] ...angst... huh?! [She wakes up with a start] Oh! Linda! I had the most wicked dream, that we were in the Mortal Kombat movie... wait a second. Where the hell are we, Linda?

[Linda, startled, jumps]

Linda: Oh! You're awake!

Victoria: Yes I am. [She rubs her face] Omigod, I feel like I was dusted with sleep powder. What happened? Where are we?

Linda: Well, see, Gobailie used this 'attack' on you­

Victoria: I was sleep-powdered!

Linda: ­and then Liu got into this really cool fight scene with this guy that I don't know­

Victoria: Reptile. Uh huh...

Linda: ­and then we met up with this princess named, uh­

Victoria: Kitana. Huh. I guess that means we're now inside Shao Khan's fortress. And I'm guessing that Liu, Johnny and Kitana went off to­hey! Where's Gobailie?

[just then, sounds of footsteps are heard in the hallway. Linda and Victoria both jump to their feet.]

Liu: Linda! It's okay, it's us.

Johnny: We got disguises. [He holds up several brown monk robes.]

Kitana: Although this dog seemed to enjoy the trip a little too much....

[Gobailie bounds in, a shredded monk robe in its teeth. It runs over to Victoria, who pets it.]

Victoria: That's my poké-baby! Good boy! Yes you are!

Johnny: Oh god, stop that.

Linda: Okay, so what now?

Liu: We've found where Shang Tsung­ [he notes Linda's confused look] ­uh, the evil guy­has Sonya, so we're going to go rescue her.

Linda: And you want us to come....?

[He and Johnny start laughing hysterically. Kitana shakes her head and leaves; they follow, still laughing.]

Linda: I don't get it. What was so funny? And was that a yes or a no...?

Victoria: Don't worry about it, Linda. C'mon, let's go.

Linda: Oh! We're going to help fight!

Victoria: Are you kidding me? We're just going to watch...

Scene: The Hall. Liu Kang and Shang Tsung are fighting each other. Johnny, Kitana, and Sonya are standing on the side-lines, staying out of the way.

Linda: [puffing] I thought you said you knew where you were going!

Victoria: [panting] I assumed I did!

Linda: You led us into the middle of a World War Two flick! How did you manage to lead us into a WII flick?!

Victoria: For the love of­! Stop pestering me! I don't know!

Gobailie: Go!

Victoria: Hey! The fight's started already!

Johnny, Sonya and Kitana: SHUSH!

Victoria: Okay, I'll be quiet, geez.

Linda: [in a whisper] Vic? Is this the Apocolytic Battle Scene?

Victoria: [nodding] Yeah, it is.

Linda: ...because it looks like a normal fight scene to me.

Victoria: Just wait. The best part is coming up.

[on the balcony overhead, Liu is having a heated argument with Shang Tsung, when the sorceror suddenly changes shape]

Linda: Hey! Who's that?

Victoria: Chan, Liu's younger brother, that Tsung killed.

Linda: Oh.

Sonya: Quiet! Nobody is supposed to know that we're still down here!

Liu: Chan? Is that you?

Victoria: It's not Chan, you stupid­!

[Johnny grabs her, putting a hand over her mouth. She continues to yell, unabated, although muffled]

Shang Tsung/Chan: Of course it's me, Liu. Heh heh.

Linda: I'm confused. Didn't Liu just see Shang Tsung change in front of him?

Liu: Yeah, didn't I see you change?

Shang Tsung/Chan: [getting desparate] Liu, you said you'd always protect me... I forgive you for letting me die....

Liu: Wait a second!

Shang Tsung/Chan: Goddammit! Just do the moral so we can continue with the fight scene! [repeating in theatrical tone] I forgive you for letting me die!

Liu: No! Mortals are responsible for their own destiny! Shang Tsung killed my brother!

[Victoria bites Johnny's fingers, he yelps and lets go.]

Victoria and Linda: DUH!

Victoria: You know, this scene really irritates me.

Linda: I can see why.

Kitana and Sonya: Shut UP!

Johnny: That really hurt!

Victoria: Wuss!

[Ignoring the squabbling down below, Shang Tsung and Liu Kang continue the Apocolytic Battle Scene]

Liu: I AM the Chosen One!

Victoria: A'right! [she collapses in fits of giggles]

Sonya: What the hell is that about?

Linda: I have no idea....

Johnny: She stole my line!

[Liu pushes Shang Tsung off the balcony, and the sorceror falls to his death on the spikes below.]

Victoria and Linda: Eww! Impaleage!

[the great light of souls appears]

Linda: Ooh, pretty!

Victoria: Woohoo! We get to go home now...

[Liu comes down to join them, triumphant, just as a portal opens up. They all step through.]

Scene: The Temple. Happy celebratory monks wave banners and flags in all directions as everyone marches victorially up the path.

Rayden: You guys did great.

Liu: So I guess you knew what was going to happen along...

Victoria: I did!

Sonya: We know you did! Shut up!

Rayden: ...[still trying to stick to dialogue] are you kidding? I didn't have a clue!

Victoria: That's a complete and total lie! You knew just as well as I did!

Rayden: Okay, that's it.... Hey! I've got my powers back! [thunder and lightning crackles around him. In panic, Linda and Victoria clutch at each other, with Gobailie cowering behind them]

Linda: [wailing] I told you not to piss him off!

Victoria: [afraid, but confident] It's going to be okay... just wait a few moments...

Linda: Wait for what?!

[Just then the Emperor appears over the Temple. Everyone turns and stares in horror.]

Shao Khan: I've come for your souls! Hey, who are those three making a get-away?

Rayden: [turning back around] Ah, crap!

[Victoria and Linda are fleeing back towards the forest, Gobailie right behind them]

Linda: Now where are we going?!

Victoria: How the hell should I know? Just keep running!

[they run into the forest]

Linda: It's pretty dark in here...

Victoria: Yeah... hey, wait, there's light up a head...

[They all stop, in confusion.]

Victoria: A lamppost? What's a lamppost doing in the middle of the forest?

Linda: And why is it starting to snow all of a sudden?

[She and Victoria stop and stare at each other]

Linda and Victoria: Uh oh....

The End