EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
AN OLD MAN WHO CERTAINLY WON'T TURN OUT TO BE MATT DAMON IN LATER YEARS
My friends are buried here. I remember how they died...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
This is going to be an epic. Not that I make any other kind of film these days, but seriously... if you thought Schindler's List was a weeper, this will knock your socks off.
EXT. BOATLOAD OF SOLDIERS NEARING BEACH - DAY
SOLDIER
*vomits*
TOM HANKS
Let's go get my Oscar, boys! Er... I mean, let's go!
The SOLDIERS and TOM HANKS descend onto the beach but are all brutally slaughtered before getting there by FACELESS EVIL GERMANS.
FACELESS EVIL GERMANS
We're left over from Schindler's List. Grrrr... are we bad-ass or what?
SOLDIERS
Limbs fly and SOLDIERS die. Bullets zing and grenades explode. This is repeated for hours. Eventually everybody is dead except TOM HANKS and his BAND OF MOTLEY SOLDIERS including TOM SIZEMORE and BARRY PEPPER.
TOM HANKS
TOM HANKS steps over some random limbs and wipes blood off the camera lens. He surveys the scene with a tearful eye. A limb falls from the sky.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
TOM HANKS
TOM SIZEMORE
VETERANS IN THE AUDIENCE
TEEN BOYS IN THE AUDIENCE
TEEN GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE
RANDOM GENERAL
TOM HANKS addresses his BAND OF MOTLEY SOLDIERS. They are worn and bloody because war is hell and because they are a motley band drawn together in adversity. We know this is true because there is no other reasonable explanation for the other badass soldiers taking ELLIOTT from ET along with them. Except directorial nepotism.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
TOM HANKS
The RANDOM GENERAL rushes in with a script and whispers in TOM HANKS' ear.
TOM HANKS
BARRY PEPPER
TOM HANKS
BARRY PEPPER
TOM HANKS
BARRY PEPPER
EXT. OUTDOOR LANDSCAPES OF THE WAR-TYPE VARIETY - DAY
TOM HANKS and his BAND OF MOTLEY SOLDIERS head into the thick of enemy territory to find MATT DAMON. Along the way many men die bloodily and needlessly, further reinforcing the idea that WAR IS HELL. The SOLDIERS are distraught and many die. TOM HANKS is distraught but in an Oscar-friendly way. It rains and bullets fly and in general it would appear that WAR IS HELL.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
After a lot more death and the flying of more limbs, TOM HANKS and his now-severely-depleted BAND OF MOTLEY SOLDIERS find MATT DAMON.
TOM HANKS
MATT DAMON
TOM SIZEMORE
TOM HANKS
MATT DAMON
TOM HANKS
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPEILBERG
AUDIENCE
TOM HANKS and MATT DAMON and whoever else is still alive stay and fight more FACELESS EVIL GERMANS. Much blood and hellish brutality follows. It is obvious to even the most clueless audience member that war is hell. Everybody who does not have lines dies along with everybody who does,
including TOM HANKS.
TOM HANKS
MATT DAMON
THE ACADEMY
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
OLD MAN WHO TURNS OUT TO BE MATT DAMON BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
THE ACADEMY
The End
That was a brutal assault. War is brutal.
War is hell. See? War is hell.
War is hell. See? War is hell.
War is hell. See? War is hell.
War IS hell. It was so hideous. *they cry*
What the hell? I thought this was supposed to be violent.
Where's Matt Damon? He's soooo cute!
We need to save Private Ryan. Otherwise this film's title won't make sense. Send Tom Hanks. And his band of motley soldiers.
What are you saying?
Er, make that SAVE Private Ryan. We need to SAVE Private Ryan.
Why?
Because.
It makes no sense to risk eight guys to save one guy.
Forget about it and I'll give you a role in my next film, The Green Mile. Also sure to be an Oscar contender.
Right. Saving Private Ryan. Here we go.
See?
Your brothers are dead. You've got a ticket to ride.
I'd rather stay.
Suit yourself.
No! *affects tearful voice and striking pose* We came all this way to find you and bring you home. War is hell but we endured it and many of us died just so you could have freedom. My men died for your freedom. This is not a blatant plug for the film's message. It is true. Many of we who are yet strangers to you died for your freedom, never having met you and without personal cause to do so. We suffered the hell that is war and died for you. Now let's go.
Although I now understand the film's message, I think we should stay and fight. So that more of you can die for me and thus make this point even more poignant.
Ok.
Are you taking notes?
Yeah, yeah... war is hell... freedom costs...
... I'd like... to thank the... Academy... eerk, gurgle... war is hell.......
Wow. Everybody including Tom Hanks is dead. I bet nobody in the audience saw that one coming. War sure is hell. And a lot of people sure did die for my freedom.
This deserves an Oscar. So does Tom Hanks. He's always good. We love him. And war movies are incredible. Just like Steven Spielberg. Let's nominate this film for every category and then snub it by allowing Shakespeare In Love to win.
All my friends died for my freedom. For my family's freedom. War is hell and freedom costs.
See? See?
We love you, Steven Spielberg.