A History of Star Trek: Enterprise
Being a Tale of their Noble Deeds and Special Effects
for the General Enjoyment and Eddycation of Johinsa
Who Knows Not Of What They Do
ROLE CALL
SCOTT BAKULA
I am the ruggedly handsome maverick Captain of the Enterprise, Jonathan Archer. My name does not have a "T" in the middle. This is to distance me from Kirk. It's about the only thing that does, because I also have a Vulcan Science Officer, no respect for authority, and enjoy alien women and long moonlit walks on the beach. And I absolutely hate hidden "Quantum Leap" references.
JOLENE BLALOCK
I am the Vulcan Science officer, Sub-Commander T'Pol. I say everything with a pout and contradict anything that the captain ever says. This is known as "being logical". There is strong chemistry between me and the Chief Engineer, despite the fact that I clearly loathe humans and he is clearly fighting gay tendencies. This is known as "character development". However, as I am merely on the show to secure the audience of adolescent males, it doesn't matter much.
CONNER TRINNEER
I am the ruggedly handsome Chief Engineer, Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker. I am from the South. This entitles me to have an amusing accent as well as over-react to every single crisis that Enterprise runs across. I am also the crew's designated Lady's Man. This is to counter-act the strong chemistry that exists between me and every other single male member of the crew, which the writers seem to have a lot of difficulty squelching.
DOMINIC KEATING
I am the ruggedly handsome Armoury Officer, Lt. Malcolm Reed, and I have an English accent. This entitles me to be the strong, silent, hyper-masculine type, despite the fact that I look like a weaselly version of one of the Monty Python guys. I like to blow things up and get into amusing confrontations with Trip in which our accents duke it out.
ANTHONY MONTGOMERY
I am Ensign Travis Mayweather. I'm cute and loveable and very earnest. I was raised by space merchants, which is supposed to make me wise and knowledgeable, but I'm just too gosh-darn earnest for all of that stuff. I pilot the ship and try to avoid being Wesley-like as much as I can. It's hard, believe me.
LINDA PARK
I'm Lt. Hoshi Sato. I was originally supposed to be a teacher, or something, but now I'm the Communications Officer, which harks back to Kirk's era for all the trekkies that actually watched TOS and not just TNG. I am extremely gifted at instantly translating languages I've only just heard, an ability which has not been explained at all. But I'm sure there is an explanation. Or something like it. I try not to think about it too much.
JOHN BILLINGSLEY
I'm Doctor Phlox. I'm an alien doctor. I'm very curious. That's me in a nutshell. But I'm definitely not the standard Curious Alien Doctor Who Is Interested In All Facets Of Human Culture Thereby Creating Amusing Theories About Breakfast, Socks, Other Household Items, Etc. Heavens, no. Just put that out of your mind.
PORTHOS
I'm the Captain's pet beagle. I'm here for Cuteness Relief. Arf.
TEASER
Scene: The Bridge of the Starfleet flagship, Enterprise. Imagine a cross between the Enterprise-D (ED) and the Original Enterprise (OE), but without the noise that the OE's screen used to make. You know, the little "doodliy-doo" noise.
ARCHER
Wow. Space is so... big.
TRIP
[over comm system] Cap'n, we're having a problem down here in Engineering.
ARCHER
What? Again?
TRIP
It seems we don't have a plot yet. Without any clichés to run the engines, we'll be adrift!
ARCHER
[concerned] That IS a problem. T'Pol? Suggestions?
T'POL
[Sighs with utter contempt and looks into her Science Station View-Master] Captain, there is an inhabited planet approximately several minutes away that I didn't bother to announce before.
ARCHER
Why not?
T'POL
Because.
ARCHER
[Thoughtfully] I see. Trip, will that do?
TRIP
Sure, why not. Maybe someone can get trapped in a shuttle on the way down.
ARCHER
We can only hope. Mayweather, set course--
MAYWEATHER
We're already there, sir.
ARCHER
Good. [cracks knuckles] Time for some meddlin'!
Cut to:
STUPID DORKY THEME SONG
Scene: Enterprise Bridge
ARCHER
Hmm. I'll sit here and pretend to have a moral crisis about possibly interfering with an alien culture, while everyone knows I'm planning on going. What are the inhabitants like, Hoshi?
HOSHI
Well, they don't have satellites yet, so they're obviously backward aliens who all dress in archaic woollen clothing. I'll just listen to some random people talk and then decipher their language from a few simple sentences.
ARCHER
You do that. Meanwhile, since I've solved my moral dilemma, I'll assemble my Away Team. [thoughtful] Okay, I'll take Trip, Reed, T'Pol, and Hoshi, once she's done translating the entire alien language into English. Wait, I need at least one senior officer to run the ship while I'm gone. Or is that just superstition? Mayweather, you're in charge!
MAYWEATHER
Woohoo! I mean, splendid. I mean, aye, sir.
ARCHER
Hoshi, are you done yet?
HOSHI
Captain, I'm translating thousands of dialects into culturally acceptable English. Give me at least a minute.
ARCHER
Oh. [pause] Are you done yet?
HOSHI
Yep.
ARCHER
Good. Meet us in the Shuttlebay, since we're all still quaintly transporter-phobic.
Scene: Inside the "Shuttlepod", on route to the planet's surface. The Crew have been outfitted in archaic woollen clothing and have interesting bumps and/or spots to help them blend in with the natives. Archer is piloting. Because he says so, that's why.
HOSHI
Ever notice how awkward and stilted our technology sounds? As though someone were trying to avoid using the obvious terms for things?
REED
You mean like "phase pistols" for phasers?
TRIP
Or "shuttlepod" for shuttlecraft?
HOSHI
Yeah.
TRIP
Nope, haven't noticed.
HOSHI
Maybe it's just me, then.
ARCHER
Can you keep it down back there? I'm trying to find a patch of turbulence to steer into, and I can barely hear myself think! Do you want me to turn this thing around and go back to Enterprise?
ALL
No.
ARCHER
Good. Hey, I think I see some over there. Quick, someone say something ironic.
T'POL
We should attempt to avoid unnecessary exposure to the natives, thereby damaging their culture. Try to land in a deserted location. As opposed to the urban area directly under us.
ARCHER
Good enough. Here we go!
The shuttlepod hits a patch of turbulence, causing the crew to throw themselves around in a semi-organised fashion (remember, they're still new at this). The soundtrack plays ominous chords. Cut to:
Scene: The planet. Smoke is curling around the shuttlepod in a disturbing and heart-rending manner. Trip emerges from the shuttlepod, gasping, before collapsing. Anonymous woollen-clad arms are seen dragging him away. Cut to:
Scene: Archer wakes up in a rustic wooden structure.
ARCHER
Hey! I'm in a rustic wooden structure! Where's the shuttlepod?
HOSHI
It crashed in a fiery and environmentally-unfriendly inferno.
ARCHER
Oh, good. I thought that I might have pulled off a competent landing at the last possible moment.
HOSHI
Oh, no, sir, the shuttlepod was totalled.
ARCHER
Excellent. Is everyone all right?
HOSHI
I'm okay.
REED
I have a broken arm which would obviously cause me a lot of pain but I'm going to sit and bear it stoically, while making amusing quips and side remarks. This will attempt to dispel any lingering weaselly impressions. And also reinforce that I'm English. Or something.
T'POL
I am unhurt. I was the one that dragged us from the burning wreckage of the shuttlepod into this apparently deserted rustic wooden structure. Commander Tucker is missing. Being Vulcan, I will not show any emotions, therefore setting up a future scene wherein I am berated for not showing any concern. Now I will launch into a long tirade about the necessity of not tampering or contaminating alien cultures, blah blah blah.
[several minutes later]
ARCHER
I see. I agree with most of your principles, in general, except when they inconvenience me. Being the maverick captain, I will now insist that we try to find Trip on our own, as opposed to the better idea of returning to the ship and trying to locate him from there. Reed, can you still handle a weapon?
REED
Not really, but that's never stopped me before.
ARCHER
Okay then, off we go!
HOSHI
Where are we going exactly?
ARCHER
To where ever Trip was taken.
REED
How are we going to find him, sir?
ARCHER
I'll just pick a random direction that will either lead us directly to him or, more likely, into a sub-plot.
T'POL
Captain, I must protest.
ARCHER
Why?
T'POL
Because that's apparently my role in this show.
ARCHER
Objection noted. Everybody set? [starts singing] We're off to find the sub-plot...
.
Scene: Another rustic wooden structure, one that is subtly different from the previous rustic wooden structure, but really, how different can rustic wooden structures be?
TRIP
[groaning] Oh man. I feel like some very idiomatic-but-colourful Southern metaphor that essentially means I feel like crap. The colourful metaphor, which while not making a lot of sense, sure reinforces me as the comic relief. Of sorts. Hey, where am I?
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
[appearing out of the shadows] Greetings! I am a gorgeous but naive alien woman, who pulled you from the wreckage of your burning shuttle. I mean, "craft that appeared from the sky."
TRIP
I see that you are, in fact, a naive but gorgeous alien woman. I am now going to express concern for my crew-mates while making googly eyes at you. [pauses] Hey! Where are my friends? Are they all right? [smiles charmingly]
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Aww, shucks.
TRIP
Technically speaking, that's my line--
[An old alien man burst in through the door.]
OLD ALIEN MAN
I am this naive but gorgeous alien woman's old father. I forbid you two to make googly-eyes at each other.
TRIP
That didn't take long. I am curious about the whereabouts of my friends. I would also like to assure you, in a colourfully metaphorical fashion, that I am a perfect Southern gentleman, which according to the show means I get less smooches than Archer does, despite being younger and cuter.
OLD ALIEN MAN
I see. Despite your protests that you are a gentleman, I still don't trust you around my gorgeous but naive only daughter. Therefore I will glower at you whenever you say anything.
TRIP
Fair enough. Where are my friends?
OLD ALIEN MAN
[glowering] I don't know. My daughter was the one that pulled you from the burning wreckage of the sky vehicle.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
I saved your life! Please tell me about your people, who are obviously from another world despite your attempts to blend into our culture using make-up and archaic woollen clothing.
TRIP
Thank you for saving my life...
[He smiles charmingly. The Old Alien Man glowers menacingly. The Gorgeous Alien Woman smiles back in a flirty-yet-naive manner.]
TRIP (cont'd)
...however, I can't tell you about who I am or where I come, because that would violate one of our most trusted, you know, directive thingies. [pause] That won't technically get invented for another couple hundred years, so we're free to ignore it when it's inconvenient.
[long pause]
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Is it convenient yet?
TRIP
Not yet. Right now I am going to withhold information so that your father is more suspicious of me, and so that I can build up character tension by remaining Mysterious and Forbidden. (aside) Which also works wonders on the babes!
OLD ALIEN MAN
[glowering] For no reason that I can see, I actively dislike you. However, that's not going to stop me from asking you to join our organisation. We need more foreign and possibly alien young men to serve as cannon fodder--er, to serve our fledgling rebel faction. You see, we are a people who are governed by a corrupt and evil... uh... government. We are planning to overthrow them. We are a minority and therefore must be saved at the cost of an entire civilisation!
TRIP
Hmm. Despite the fact that I know nothing about you, your people, or your war, your heart-rending story has touched a chord in me, and I am willing to help your cause. Without sharing my fantastically advanced technology, of course. Until I am absolutely convinced of your sincerity.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Would feeding you a scrumptious home-cooked meal in a sensuous manner help you to trust us any more?
TRIP
I'm not sure. Perhaps we could test that theory out.
OLD ALIEN MAN
I believe that is my cue to leave you two alone, despite the fact that I do not trust you. [glowers at Trip] Oh well. Time to go out and get mortally wounded!
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Bye, Daddy! See you in a little while, when news reaches us of your mortal wounding, therefore inspiring this possible alien to trust us completely and share his fantastically advanced technology with us!
OLD ALIEN MAN
See ya!
[He leaves]
TRIP
Despite the fact that we are alone and you are about to feed me a sensuous meal, I still must protest that I am a Southern gentleman, thereby allaying fears among the audience that I may take advantage of your naivete, and reveal myself to be a cad. Which I'm not. Really.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
You get a lot of Mary Sues written about you, don't you.
TRIP
Oh, you have no idea.
Scene: A crowded archaic-yet-charmingly-rustic marketplace. Archer leads the way followed by T'Pol, Hoshi, and Reed.
REED
[in the back, muttering] Oh crap this hurts goddammit oh the pain--
ARCHER
[turning around] Did you say something, Lieutenant?
REED
[eyes shifting back and forth] No sir, I am being determinedly stoic as usual.
ARCHER
Good. Carry on.
T'POL
I am going to discreetly scan the crowd using my tricorder in order to pick up Cmdr. Tucker's location, despite the fact that it makes more sense to have the ship do that.
HOSHI
And I find that I am starting to fall in love with the charmingly rustic archaic-ness of this planet.
ARCHER
I am also finding it charmingly rustic. All that we need now is an ironic statement that will reveal the up-coming Plot Points.
HOSHI
[sighing] It's like a Garden of Eden, perfect and peaceful.
[A group of armed soldiers suddenly appears]
FIRST SOLDIER
Halt! We are obviously Evil Henchmen as can be explained by the fact that while the general populace wears archaic woollens, we are clothed in black leather and vinyl.
SECOND SOLDIER
Now attempt to pass yourselves off as travellers from outside of the city.
ARCHER
[hands up, innocently] Have we done something wrong? We're just travellers from an outside state--
HOSHI
[sotto voce] Province! We're from another province! Archaic places don't have states!
ARCHER
Oh yeah, I forgot. We're from out of province.
FIRST SOLDIER
Ha. I scoff at your transparent attempt to pass yourselves off as natives, despite the fact that you magically speak our language without a trace of an accent. You're under arrest.
ARCHER
What? Why?
SECOND SOLDIER
You just look funny, is all. Now move it.
Scene: An office overlooking the charmly archaic city. Archer, T'Pol, Hoshi and Reed are shoved in through the door. There is a desk in front of them, and an Alien Overlord.
ALIEN OVERLORD
Hello, I'll be your tyrant for today.
ARCHER
I protest this treatment! We're innocent travellers from out of province! What right do you have--
ALIEN OVERLORD
Rights? Don't talk to me about rights. I am obviously a despotic and tyrannical leader who is oppressing my people. Couldn't you tell that by my menacing underlings? The only people who have rights here are... uh... me. And my friends. So shut up.
T'POL
It would be unwise to argue with such impeccable logic, Captain.
ARCHER
At least tell us what we've been arrested for!
ALIEN OVERLORD
[reads from a sheet of paper] Huh. It says here that you look funny. [squints at the crew] I'll have to agree with that. You do look funny. Well, that's enough to get you arrested in my city which, while charming, is archaic and that means we haven't invented democracy or justice yet. Now I will sentence you to several years in prison and indulge in a villainous laugh! Ha ha ha!
[The Soldiers start to shove the crew back through the doors]
ARCHER
What this place needs is a rebel uprising to overthrow your despotic rule!
ALIEN OVERLORD
Yeah, tell me about it.
Scene: Trip and the Gorgeous Alien Woman are in the marketplace.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
[giggling] Your out-of-province home sounds quite amusing. Please tell me more stories of every day objects that I will laugh insanely at. This is known as comedic relief.
TRIP
I don't know. I feel conflicted that I may be revealing too much. I also have the funny feeling that this scene is just an amusing filler until the next plot point.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Oh, probably. Something terribly dramatic is bound to happen, something that will force you to have sympathy for our rebel cause.
RANDOM ALIEN
Gorgeous Alien Woman! Your father, the Old Alien Man, has been mortally wounded in battle!
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN and TRIP
Gasp!
[The Old Alien Man has staggered into the marketplace, clutching a wound that can be conveniently covered by the palm of his hand]
OLD ALIEN MAN
gurgle... oh, what a world, what a world!
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Daddy! [she rushes to his side] Oh, Daddy! Why did you have to go and fight in a terrible war in a vain attempt to make life better for all of us?
OLD ALIEN MAN
Eh, it was a living... gurgle, groan... now I will use my last dying breath to tell you how much I love you and that you should carry on my work to get as many townspeople killed as possible.
TRIP
While I only met you this morning, I feel your death as a terrible blow.
OLD ALIEN MAN
[glowering] Are you still here?
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Daddy! He's going to help us with the uprising!
TRIP
[nodding] Now that I have seen extremely shaky evidence that you're the betrayed and heavily oppressed minority, I feel it is my duty to join your terrorist faction.
OLD ALIEN MAN
I was like you once, stranger... gurgle, gasp... always ready to meddle in other people's business... I will now let my neck go limp and stick out my tongue to indicate that I have died.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Oh, Daddy!
Scene: the alien prison, which is dirty, dark, and decidedly un-charming, while continuing to be rustic. Archer is pacing. T'Pol and Reed are sitting with their backs to the wall. Hoshi is leaning against the bars.
ARCHER
We need to find a way out of here. However, since I do not have any ideas of my own, I will continue to pace and strike determined poses to keep up morale.
T'POL
We should wait until Enterprise comes looking for us.
ARCHER
And leave these people with their despotic overlord? I don't think that's acceptable. We have to break out of here and then generate a population revolt.
HOSHI
I agree with the Captain.
REED
So do I. Groan, whimper.
ARCHER
Are you okay? You look a little pale. Paler than usual, I mean.
REED
No, no, I'm fine. Getting better all the time. Fit as a fiddle. Barely hurts at all, really.
ARCHER
Oh, okay then. Wait. Malcolm, do you have any explosive devices on you?
REED
[apologetically] Usually I carry several kinds, Captain, but I could only fit four phase pistols in this archaic woollen outfit. [he shakes them out of his boots and sleeves, wincing]
ARCHER
That's a start, at least. [picks up the phase pistols, and distributes them to T'Pol and Hoshi]
HOSHI
Now, if only we could make communicators out of everyday materials. Oh wait. I think I still have mine. [she fishes her communicator out of her pocket] How lucky that the guards didn't think to search us for other-worldly weapons and technology.
T'POL
Yes, for once the lack of logic has worked in our favour. We should contact Enterprise and...
ARCHER
No! We have to stay and overthrow this corrupt government. It's our duty as Starfleet officers to meddle and interfere with each and every alien culture we meet.
T'POL
As usual, Captain, your emotional display over-rides my logical responses. Let's open up a can of whoop'ass.
[the others stare at her]
T'POL [cont'd]
Yes?
Scene: A rustic wooden structure that is filled with the aliens. Trip is talking and they are listening raptly.
ALIEN #1
You know, while we only met him a few hours ago and there's something strangely different about him, I feel that we can trust him implicitly to organise our raids against the despotic warlord that is terrorizing us.
ALIEN #2
Yes, I feel that this stranger from out of province is clearly a gifted leader who was sent to us by the gods. Or something.
ALIEN #1
Something like that, yeah.
TRIP
...so, in conclusion, that is our battle strategy. Any questions?
ALIEN #1
What do we do when we have a suspected Evil Henchperson in our custody?
TRIP
Kick him in the head. Next question?
ALIEN #2
Can you share your fantastic out-of-province technology with us?
TRIP
[apologetic, in a charming fashion] I can't do that.
ALIEN #2
Oh. Please?
TRIP
No.
ALIEN #3
Can you sum up the battle strategy without a heavy use of colourful metaphors?
TRIP
...Uh... no. I'm afraid I can't do that either.
[a dejected sigh rises up from the alien audience]
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
C'mon, everyone! Let's storm the prison and free our friends and brethren and any stranded out-of-province mysterious travellers!
[everyone cheers]
TRIP
I hope that while I am staging this revolution that the Cap'n and the others have some how managed to avoid getting tangled up in this political upheaval. That statement is also an example of dramatic irony.
Scene: The Enterprise bridge. Mayweather and Phlox are alone. The ship seems deserted, since 5/7 of the main characters are on the planet. Mayweather is in the command chair.
MAYWEATHER
This sucks. Why hasn't anybody bothered to check in? How am I supposed to show my initiative and leadership capabilities if the Away Team doesn't bother to check up on me?
[They sit in silence, regarding the blank view screen]
ENTERPRISE CRICKETS
Chirp. Chirp.
MAYWEATHER
[frantic] Do something! Anything! I'm the earnest and youthful pilot! I'm not supposed to carry this much plot and dialogue on my own!
PHLOX
[soothingly] I'm sure something interesting will happen here in orbit. [pauses] Ah, like the approach of that Giant Warship of Death.
MAYWEATHER
[sighs with relief] Finally.
PHLOX
Well, I'll be in the Sick Bay, if you need anything. Bandaids, or whatever. [he leaves]
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S COMMANDER
Leave orbit. Now.
MAYWEATHER
No.
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S COMMANDER
Why not? [whining] Please?
MAYWEATHER
[strikes dramatic pose] We have crew down there and we're not leaving them, despite the fact that if we get pulverised into space dust we're not going to be much help to anybody.
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S COMMANDER
We also have crew on the surface. Therefore, we suspect you of interfering with us, although we are not going to elaborate. Prepare to be smoten.
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S LASER BEAMS
Pow! Zing!
ENTERPRISE'S HULL PLATING
Smash! Crumple!
MAYWEATHER
Oh no! Polarize the hull plating! [he runs to Reed's station] Polarizing hull plating now, sir! [he runs back to the command chair] Fire the photon cannons! [runs back to Reed's station] Firing photon cannons! [he runs back to the command chair]
ENTERPRISE'S PHOTON CANNONS
Zap!
MAYWEATHER
Status report! [He runs to T'Pol's station] Minimal damage, sir. Direct hit to the Giant Warship of Death. They can not withstand much more of this. [he runs back to the command chair] Open a hailing frequency! [he runs to Hoshi's station] Hailing frequencies open! [He runs back to center of bridge, tucks in his shirt] Enemy Alien Commander, do not force us to destroy you because then we'll have to spend all night recharging the Photon Cannons. And then they'll keep us up all night with that irritating noise they make. And then we'll be cranky tomorrow. And you don't want to see us when we're cranky!
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S COMMANDER
You are a convincing and shrewd negotiator. However, we are stubborn and ferocious, which will be demonstrated by our continuing to fight even though we are out-matched. Of course, if the roles were reversed and you were out-matched, you would be regarded as brave and tenacious.
MAYWEATHER
Of course. [strikes confident pose] Surrender.
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH'S COMMANDER
Never!
MAYWEATHER
Then we'll be forced to continue using force!
GIANT WARSHIP OF DEATH
[explodes]
MAYWEATHER (cont'd)
Or not.
Scene: The Prison. Alarms are blaring as the crew break free of their cell when several other aliens storm the prison.
REED
It appears that the alien populace has risen up to revolt without our being involved, Captain.
ARCHER
I know. Weird, isn't it?
[Suddenly Trip appears from around the corner]
ARCHER
TRIP!
TRIP
[at same time] CAP'N!
[They bound towards each other but then stop suddenly to give each other a manly pat on the back]
TRIP
While I am obviously glad to see all of you, I will refrain from any enthusiastic gestures that could be misconstrued by several of our more depraved audience members.
REED
I believe that is a good idea, since I am also strangely glad to see you and must resist the urge to give you a manly hug. Also my arm hurts.
ARCHER
Come on, what could possibly be misconstrued? We're simply a trio of very close male comrades who are stuck on a ship for months at a time where the male/female ratio is approximately 6:1.
[Hoshi and T'Pol exchange glances]
HOSHI
Riiiiight. While you guys are standing around exchanging soppy glances and bonding, T'Pol and I are going to kick some tyrannical butt.
T'POL
I concur. I believe if I stay here any longer I will be ill.
[They leave]
TRIP
Cap'n, while I was being given scrumptious meals and behaving like a perfect gentleman, I found out that this world is being run by a tyrannical overlord who persecutes helpless individuals and minorities.
ARCHER
We found that out as well. Mostly when he threw us in this uncharming prison simply for looking different. I believe there's a moral in here somewhere. [pause] Let's go get him!
[They exchange high-fives except for Reed who whimpers but follows behind anyway]
Scene: The Alien Overlord's Office
ALIEN OVERLORD
No! My tyrannical plans for despotic rule have failed! FAILED!
[The crew bursts in, phase pistols drawn]
ARCHER
On behalf of the alien people that we only just met a few hours ago, we're overthrowing your despotic tyranny!
ALIEN OVERLORD
Ha! That's what you think! I am now going to provide the single plot twist as I pull out a weapon that is neither archaic nor charming nor woollen!
[he pulls out an alien gun]
ALIEN OVERLORD (cont'd)
HA!
ARCHER
I am stunned with disbelief. By showing yourself to be a different alien than these aliens, you have demonstrated that you were abusing your technological superiority to meddle in the affairs of others. We cannot stand for that! In the name of Starfleet, we'll triumph over evil and that means you!
ALIEN OVERLORD
Oh please.
TRIP
Admit it, you were enslaving these aliens simply to rob the planet of its natural wealth.
ALIEN OVERLORD
Well, kinda.
REED
Then that means you are a metaphorical corporation leader symbolising the greed of extreme capitalism, and as we represent a Utopian form of Communism, we're going to have kick your ass back to whatever made-up planet you came from.
ALIEN OVERLORD
I look upon you with contempt as I secretly signal my ship to transport me aboard. [Looks surprised] My ship is not responding!
ARCHER
[flips open communicator]
ARCHER'S COMMUNICATOR
*cute noise*
ARCHER (cont'd)
Enterprise? Is there a Alien Warship of Death anywhere in orbit?
MAYWEATHER
No sir.
ARCHER
[surprised] Really? Not even a little one?
MAYWEATHER
[proudly] Well there was one, but I blew it up!
ARCHER
Really?
MAYWEATHER
[dejectedly] No, not really. [Ashamed] It blew itself up.
ARCHER
Don't worry, Travis. You can blow up the next Alien Warship of Death we come across.
MAYWEATHER
Gee! Thanks, Captain!
[Archer closes his communicator and strikes a defiant pose]
ARCHER
Ha.
ALIEN OVERLORD
Curses! Foiled again!
[He suddenly turns and leaps out the window]
ALIEN OVERLORD (cont'd)
Next time, Archer! Next tiiiimmmme.....!
TRIP
That conveniently takes care of the fact that we would have to transport him somewhere for a trial, or something, thereby delaying our next set of exciting adventures.
ARCHER
Isn't democracy wonderful? Let's stay here a little while longer to set up a new system of government, using the old United States model.
REED
Why the United States model? Why not a new, improved 22nd-and-a-half-century version?
ARCHER
Oh, just because.
TRIP
I have grown to love this charming and archaic planet, which I will demonstrate by describing it with several colourful metaphors.
[The Gorgeous Alien Woman walks into the office]
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
That sounded like my cue! Say, handsome out-of-province travellers who managed to overthrow our corrupt government, how can we ever repay you?
[Reed and Trip exchange glances]
ARCHER
There is no need to repay us! We are simply adventurous pioneers of a new technological era! It is our duty as Starfleet officers to help overthrow corrupt alien governments and influence alien cultures so that they resemble our own! We need no reward.
REED
[pleadingly] None at all? Not even a little one?
ARCHER
Nope, none at all. Now let's get back to our ship with its male to female ratio of 6:1.
REED
Rats.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Oh well. And I had sensuous meals prepared for you all. I guess I'll have to eat them all by myself... Well, so long, Foreigner-Who-Only-Speaks-In-Colourful-Metaphors!
TRIP
While I have grown to love your charming and archaic planet, I will now become very awkward around you.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
Why? What did I do? Why can't you stay here with us and help us to rebuild our civilisation using yours as a model?
TRIP
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't stay. [pause] My Cap'n needs me.
GORGEOUS ALIEN WOMAN
[nodding] I understand. You're simply fighting very strong gay tendencies. Oh well. We'll have to rebuild our civilisation on our own. I can see why they write so many Mary Sues about you, though. You're cute!
[The Gorgeous Alien Woman pulls him into a lip-lock]
TRIP
[blushes charmingly]
ARCHER and REED
[gagging noises]
Scene: The Enterprise Bridge
ARCHER
Now that we're back on the Enterprise, I feel it is my duty to make an amusing observation about the nature of our adventures, and then make an extremely stirring and feel-good speech about today's moral.
TRIP
And then I will say a colourfully metaphoric remark. As a parting moment of comedic relief.
ARCHER
And I will finish up with a clichéd one-liner to get us on our way again, in the manner of Patrick Stewart. Then we will share a hearty laugh, and a special effects shot of the Enterprise leaving orbit.
T'POL
One episode down, 24 more to go...
THE END
NEXT WEEK: Archer and his valiant crew get stuck in pretty much the same plot, but with minor variations in clichés, and with a completely different set of colourful metaphors for Trip. Unless someone decides to depart radically from the set patterns and write an episode that was stolen from something other than old TNG storylines. Which could happen. It's an infinite universe, after all...