This MSTing is a Saf&Dy Production, with Saf in body and Dy in spirit. Blah blah copyright, yadda yadda, what are you going to do about it? Blah blah five dollars?! Get outta here! Blah. Joel Robinson sipped his coffee calmly while trying to enjoy an article in the morning newpaper that he had had shipped in. Tom Servo wandered up nonchalantly. " I'll have a cup of that," he said, gesturing towards the coffee pot. Joel glanced down at the pot, and up at his robot companion. " I don't think so." he replied turning back to his article. " Well, I do." Tom insisted. " I'll need the caffiene." " Why?" asked Joel, instantly suspicious. He folded the paper calmly. " Well," Tom started in conspiratorial low tones, but he was interrupted by Crow T. Robot entering the room whistling cheerfully. " Hi, guys!" he said. " You're awfully chipper," Joel remarked. " Sleep well?" " You know when sometimes you wake up with this fabulous feeling, like nothing can go wrong in your day?" Crow asked, rather ernestly. " Uh huh." " Yep." " Well," Crow continued, " I'm just having one of those days." " Oh." Joel returned his attention to his paper. Tom seemed distinctly uncomfortable. " I think I have some bad news, guys." Tom finally announced. " Nothing could spoil my day." Crow declared, reaching for the Toasty Flakes [tm] that Joel had on the table. " Uh--oh, I guess I'll just spit it out." Tom started, taking a deep breath. " We have to read a story by Egyptlogic today." " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--" Crow screamed, falling off his stool. " I thought we'd finished all the Egyptlogic fanfics." Joel said, looking decidedly concerned. " --AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--" " I thought so too, but appearently she's been busy." Tom said. " This latest one has two parts." " --HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!--" " A Double Creature Feature?" groaned Joel. " I hate those." Tom nodded sadly. " Quit it, Crow." Joel said, kicking the prone bot with his foot. " We have to go read the fanfic. Look at it as a learning experience." " The only experience I've gained from reading Egyptlogic is that I never want to experience reading Egyptlogic." Crow replied angrily, getting up from the floor, out of breath. Joel shrugged and finished off his coffee. *Three Enemies Sitting in a Row..... - part 1 Crow: I have a feeling of sudden, impending doom. *By Egyptlogic Crow: Now my feeling isn't so sudden or impending any more. *"Why do you think Hercules needs our help?" asked Gabrielle. Joel: I don't know. Since he didn't ask you, it's good that you're wondering. *"I don't know but the message just said that he needed help Tom: How true. *in Patrai," Xena answered. Crow: And in other places, but doctor-patient confinentialty keeps me from telling you anything. *"Have you ever been to Patrai?" asked Gabrielle. Joel: No, but I bet you haven't either. *"No, all I know is to travel to the west till we reach the *beach, then go south," Xena said. Crow: Due south? Joel: Couldn't they just go south and bypass the beach? Tom: If they did that, we'd miss out on all the footage of Xena and Gabrielle walking along the beach with their hair blowing in the wind. *"Do you want a ride you look tired," Xena said. Crow: [As Xena] But you can only piggy-back for a little while. You're getting pretty hefty. *"Sure but don't go to fast." Gabrielle answered, Tom: [As Gabrielle] Because when you do, I bob up and down and hit myself against your armour, which is rather pointy. *as they stepped out toward the beach. Joel: So, if they were only a few steps from the beach, a) why did she say they needed to head west, and b) why couldn't they just head south? Tom: I believe we have covered this already. Joel: Oh, the footage. Gotcha. Still.... Tom: There is no "still" when you're dealing with Egyptlogic. Crow: [As Yoda] Logicegypt, write or do not write. There is no try. Preferably, do not write. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ Crow: The waves have returned!!! Joel: If your dumb running gags return, I'll be forced to do something unpleasent to you. Tom: Involving monkeys and a carrot. Crow: Monkeys and a carrot? Tom: Use your imagination. Crow: Oh, look, the waves have mysteriously disappeared! *"Doubar how are the damages?" Sinbad asked his brother. Crow: [As Sinbad] Doubar...how...are the damages? Tom: [As Doubar] The Nomad cannae take much o' this, Cap'n! *"We'll need lots of lumber to fix all the leaks from the storm *last night." Doubar replied. Tom: [As Doubar] We definitely need to do something about that huge gaping hole in the side of the ship. Crewmen keep falling out. *"We need to get to the closest village and quickly." Sinbad *said. Joel: Actually, we were thinking that you should try for the farthest village possible, and see how well the duct tape holds. *As Maeve, Rongar, Firouz, Doubar, Dermott and himself got in the *long boat. Tom: Who's "himself"? Joel: Sinbad has decided to think of himself in the third person. Crow: More importantly, why is Dermott getting the in the long boat seperately from Maeve? Did he just "decide" to join them? *And started toward land. Joel: [As Sinbad] Hey, wait a minute! We're heading OUT to sea! Doubar, I thought you said you could steer this thing! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ Crow: What is the point of such long scene breaks for such short scenes? Joel: Logically, there isn't one. But Egyptlogically, there is. It's just that no one knows exactly what it is. *As Xena and Gabrielle rode along the beach, they ran into four *men one woman and a hawk. Tom: Hmmm, I wonder who they could be? Crow: I have no idea....can you hear the sarcasm in my voice, Joel? Joel: It's probably dripping out of the monitors by now, Crow. *"Can you tell us where the closest village is?" one of the men *asked. Tom: I always thought Sinbad would be too macho to stop and pull- over for directions. Joel: Maeve *was* the first one in the longboat. Maybe it's her who actually wears the extremely baggy pants on the Nomad. *"The closest village is Patrai which is a three day journey from *here," Xena answered. Tom: That kinda makes it not very close, doesn't it? *"What are your names?" Gabrielle asked. Crow: We're not nosy or anything. Tom: [As Sinbad, eyes darting wildly] Who wants to know? *"I'm Sinbad and these are my crew Rongar, Firouz, Doubar, Maeve *and Dermott." Joel: Don't you just love how they introduce Dermott as a person and a member of the crew? Tom: Instead of a dumb bird who squawks a lot? Crow: More than Rongar does. Tom: Low blow! Low blow! *"I'm Gabrielle and this is Xena. Xena why don't they travel with *us, Tom: [As Xena] I don't know, Gabrielle. Maybe you should ask *them* first. *I mean I heard there are a lot of bandits around here, and we *are going to the same place," Gabrielle said. Joel: Who said they were going to the same place? Tom: Who said it had to make sense? *"Well it's up to them," Xena said. * *"Do you want to travel with us we are heading to Patrai to help *a friend," Gabrielle asked. Crow: [As Sinbad] I think we gathered that already. Thanks anyway. *Sinbad looked at his crew and when they all nodded. He said, *"We'd be honored." Joel: Why, we don't know. *With that Gabrielle got down from Argo when arrows were flying *everywhere. Crow: ?! Where did the arrows come from? Tom: Does it matter? Joel: Not to Egyptlogic! You have to admire her imagination. Tom: Oh, that's what it is. *Xena looked through the trees and bushes. Tom: I guess she has X-Ray vision. Or those nifty goggles you can order from cheap comic books. Crow: [As Xena] Yeah, I have X-Ray vision--whoa! Sinbad! I see you're going commando today! *When she saw five men behind one bush Joel: You must bring us a shrubbery! Crow: NO! NO MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES! Joel: What? Why not? Crow: Who knows where it could end up--first it's an innocent shrubbery joke, true, but it could very well escalate into John Cleese impressions, or even a rousing rendition of "The Lumberjack Song". Tom: [Singing] I'm a lumber-- [Crow leaps from his seat in an attempt to maim Tom.] Joel: Crow! Tom! That's enough. I see your point, Crow--you never know where it could all end. And to think I thought it was a harmless movie reference. *she ran her fastest Tom: Run, Xena, Run! *and flipped behind the men Crow: Woohoo! Joel: Huh? Crow: You could use your imagination... Joel: Even if I used my imagination, I still wouldn't come up with anything. Just let the sentance be, Crow. Tom: [Singing] Letter B, Letter B.... Joel: What? Tom: You know, "Letter B", by the Beetles...ha hahaha! Joel: That's so funny, I forgot to laugh. Crow: How Grade Five, Joel. Joel: Bite me. *and hit two with the hilt of her sword. Tom: How can she hit TWO men with the HILT of her sword? Crow: I'm positive I haven't the slightest idea. *The other three looked at her and drew their sword. Joel: They only have the one between them. *The first man ran into her fist and got knocked out. Tom: Talk about bad orienteering skills. *The second stood his ground but was kicked in the groin and went *down. Crow: The Phantom Groin Kicker strikes again! *The third just looked at her and ran. All: Wuss. *She came back to the beach and made sure everyone was all right. Tom: Hohum, we're just all standing around on the beach. Crow: Like they were really in danger from five guys behind a bush. *Then she whistled for Argo. Joel: Here, Argo! C'mere, boy! Good boy! *And started on there way. Tom: I have a fairly good idea of what that sentance means, but I'm not quite sure. Joel: No one really is. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *The minute they saw Patrai. Tom: Patrai was only a minute from the beach? Some three day walk. Crow: Minute Patrai--just add water! *Xena saw Hercules fighting against a giant. Joel: But nobody else did--it was just a figment of her imagination. *Hercules tripped him and knocked him out. Crow: Yer outta there! *When the fighting stopped Gabrielle yelled, "HERCULES! IOLAUS!". Tom: Marco! Crow&Joel: Polo! *The two men started toward the group. Crow: Personally, I would have run away. *When they were close enough Iolaus and Gabrielle gave each other Tom: Wedgies? Crow: Noogies? Joel: A smack upside the head? *a quick hug. Tom: Just a quick one. Crow: [As Gabrielle] Ew, quit touching me! *While Xena introduced everyone. Joel: [Big breath] This is Sinbad, Rongar, Doubar, Maeve, Firouz and of course, Dermott. *Later at dinner... Tom: They ate. Crow: Dermott. *"The reason why I called you was that I need your help to save *my mother and brother. Hera, Ares and some sorceress by the name *of Rumina have captured them," Hercules said. Crow: [As Xena] And here I was thinking you missed the melodious sound of my voice! I knew there had to be a catch. *Sinbad and his crew were siting at a table not too far from the *others, talking. Joel: They had to sit at the children's table. Crow: [As Doubar] Dammit, Sinbad, I can't fit my knees under the table! *And at the sound of Rumina's name they were dead All: Woohoo! Joel: [As Sinbad] Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will--ack. *silent and looked at Maeve, whose eyes started to gleam. Crow: Darn. They live. *Then at Hercules. * *"Did you say Rumina?" Firouz asked. Tom: [As Hercules] No, I said this table is roomier. Foolish mortal. Your hair is even bigger than mine! Ahahahahahaha! Joel: Now, now. No picking on the geeks. *"Yes," Hercules said. "Do you know her?" Crow: [As Sinbad] Let me check my little black book. Ah, yes, here she is. Under "R" for "Rumina" and "E" for "Evil sorceress" *"Sadly we do," Sinbad said. * *"How do you know her?" Gabrielle asked. Tom: [As Sinbad] Seniors, back in high school. *"She is one of our enemies," Sinbad said. All: DUH! Joel: She's evil, they're good--how pedistrian. Crow: Nice paraphrasing, Joel. *"We know how Rumina acts and her magic, would you like us to *help out?" Tom: Yes, help us please, oh Disembodied voice! *Hercules looked at Xena then back toward the crew. Crow: Lots of double takes in this fic. Joel: That's because they couldn't get it right the first time. Ha ha! Crow: Yeah, whatever, Joel. *"We will need help, but you don't have to come," Hercules said. Tom: Huh? He needs their help, but they don't have to come. Are they going to help over the phone or something? *"We'd be happy to help out," Maeve said. Crow: [As Maeve] It's either that or be stuck on the ship playing cards. *"Uh Sinbad shouldn't we take the supplies to the ship?" Firouz *said. Tom: [As Sinbad] Nah, we'll just leave them here. What could happen to them in a local tavern? *"Alright lets do this, why don't Firouz, Rongar, and Doubar take *the supplies to the ship. Tom: Shouldn't that be a question? Joel: Let's not start this again, Tom. Tom: I guess you're right--but still. It should have a question mark. Crow: We feel for you, Tom. Tom: [Sniffling] It's nice to know I have such great friends like you two! Crow: [Also sniffling] Aw, I love you, man! Joel: [Fidgeting uncomfortably] C'mon guys, the fanfic's not over yet. Don't get me all nauseated now. *While Maeve, Dermott and I go with Hercules and Xena," Sinbad *said. Crow: Oh sure, you and your girlfriend get to do the fun stuff. *"Oh no little brother I'm going with you," Doubar said. Tom: I think not. *"No Doubar. Firouz and Rongar can't push all the supplies *through the sand themselves They'll need your help," Sinbad *said. Tom: [As Firouz] Heave, heave--push harder! Crow: [As Rongar] [Wild hand gestures] Tom: [As Firouz] Yes, Rongar, I'm very aware that this crate weighs 1.2334 tonnes and of the fact we have no way of getting to the ship. Crow: [As Rongar] [More wild hand gestures] Tom: [As Firouz] Yes, Rongar, they ARE big poopyheads for making us do this all by ourselves. *"Oh alright but I don't have to like it," Doubar said. Joel: That's where you're wrong. You have to like it--or else! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ * *"Rumina!" Ares yelled. All: ALVIN!!! *"What do you want?" Rumina said. Tom: You rang? *"Let's get this plan straight right now," Hera said. Joel: [As Hera] I missed it the first time around. And can we take notes? *"I get to have Hercules killed, Ares gets Xena dead or alive Crow: But not both. *which ever he chooses and you get Sinbad, We got that down *correct." Tom: Not quite...you left out the bagels. Crow: Who ordered them? After all, whoever ordered them should have to pay for them, unless, of course, it was a date, in which case whomever asked whom should pay unless-- Tom: Crow! Shut up! Joel: Who says our society doesn't have dating rules? *"Wrong!" cried Rumina. "Sinbad is old news. What I want is the *man that rejected me 7 years ago. Joel: Hold on--Sinbad is old news but the man who dumped her seven years ago isn't? *The man by the name of Dermott and if he stills refuses me I'll *kill him and his little sister." Rumina said. Crow: Of course, if he's dead, that will cause a serious problem for the wedding plans. *Ares turned toward Hera. "She's ok for a mortal," he said. Tom: Too bad you suck as a god. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ * *"So what do you know about Rumina," Gabrielle asked. Tom: Of course, I'm not really asking you that. Crow: Tom, get over it. Be thankful Egyptlogic has started using commas. Tom: Yeah, she's using commas, but in the wrong spots AND she's not using periods any more. Joel: You win some, you lose some. *"She's a no good two timing beast who likes to seduce good men Crow: Does this sound familiar to any one? *and if they refused her they get punished," Maeve said before *the others could. Tom: ...could leave? *Then everyone stared at her and she said, "Hey don't look at me Joel: We'd prefer not to. *that way it's the truth," she said. Crow: And the other way, it's a complete lie! *"But why would Rumina help the gods she hates him," asked *Doubar. Tom: Those wacky gods, singluar and plural at the same time. Joel: I could go into a very interesting theological discussion right now...but I won't. Crow: Thank God. *"My guess is that she is after Sinbad or somebody else around *here," Maeve said. Joel: Good guess, Maeve. Did it take you a while to figure it out? *"So how good is she with black magic," asked Gabrielle. Tom: Oh, you know, she's okay. Actually, she's kind of mediocre in the area--her expertise lies in managing to move in the outfits she wears without flashing someone. *"She could ruin your whole life with a flick of her hand," Maeve *said. Crow: So why hasn't she? Why is she bothering with this whole "trap" thing, huh? Joel: What are you asking me for? I didn't write this. Only one person could have. Crow: And that person is not available for comment right now. Joel: If she was, she'd be in a lot of pain. *"I take you know her real good," Gabrielle said. Tom: Real good, y'hear? Real good. *"We've crossed paths a few years ago," Maeve said. Crow: Neither of them stopped for directions. *"I'm starving where is the food?" Maeve said trying to change *the subject. Tom: I'm reading where are the commas? *Gabrielle got the idea and changed the subject. Joel: Took her long enough. *"Hey I'll see if I can get free meals," Gabrielle said. Crow: [As Gabrielle] I've got a couple coupons. *"Or I can make a few dinars instead, I'll be back" she said and *got up so she could go talk to the tavern manager. Crow: And how is she planning to make these supposed dinars, pray tell? Tom: The world's oldest profession? *The crew looked at Xena with questioning eyes. Joel: "What the hell is going on?" That's what my eyes are saying. *"She's a professional bard," she answered them. Crow: Oh, THAT oldest profession. *"So Xena I heard that she isn't an Amazon Princess anymore and *that she is now the Amazon Queen," Iolaus said. Tom: [As Xena] That's right. She just got her certificate yesterday. *"Well you heard right. When Queen Melosa died Gabrielle became *the queen and she ran into Efany. Joel: She wasn't looking where she was going. *She was completely shocked Crow: Efany must have an electric personality. *and before we left Gabrielle had Efany take her place while she *was away," Xena said. Tom: That way, nobody would notice that Gabrielle was gone. *Then she looked around the tavern for Gabrielle and found her in *a seat with people around her and moving her hands around. Crow: Hmmmm, which oldest profession was it again? *"What story is she telling now?" asked Iolaus Tom: That's what we want to know! *"She's telling the story of David and Goliath," Xena said. Joel: And you can tell that from a few hand gestures? *"Who?" asked Iolaus. Crow: I guess Iolaus isn't the brightest spark in the world. Tom: You just figured that out now? Crow: I had my earlier suspicions... *"Well if you would like to hear it go on up there," she said. Joel: [As Iolaus] Who said I want to hear it? *"Alright," he said got and joined the crowd of people. Tom: He's really following direction well in this fanfic. Joel: Maybe we can get him to do something usefull...*Iolaus, you will kill all the characters in this fanfic so we can go home...* Tom: It doesn't seem to be working. Crow: But he IS out of the scene! Joel: If only he was out of the picture... *"I think I know why Rumina is working with Ares and Hera," *Hercules said. Crow: Go Herc! The old gears are really turning today. *"Well you said," looking toward the crew, "That she is your no. *1 enemy, Hera is my no. 1 enemy too," he said. Joel: And...? C'mon, Herc, you can do it! *"And Ares has a thing to get me to become a warlord again," Xena *said. Crow: That sentance could be taken the wrong way. Joel: Only by you. *"So what you're saying is that they are probably working *together because they want to get us," Firouz said. Joel: You think? "What a great scientific explanation." Tom: Actually, it's a dumb scientific explanation. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~ * *"Ares I think they found out about our plan," Rumina said. Joel: We're surrounded by a bunch of deep thinkers. *"Good then I'll make it more interesting for us," Ares said. Tom: By eliminating all your punctuation? *"What are you going to do," Hera asked. Crow: [As Ares] Ah, well...I'm not sure exactly. Just give me a moment. *"I'm going to raise the stakes a little," Ares said. Joel: I'd like to see some stakes--right through the heart. *"I'll be back." Tom: Only if we're incredibly unlucky. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"That was a amazing story Gabrielle," Iolaus said. Crow: [As Iolaus] I never knew a such a simple story could be told so badly. Tom: We only have to look at the example here... *"Thank you Iolaus," Gabrielle said. Joel: Is she going to thank him again later...? Crow: Joel... *"So what did you get free meals or dinars," Iolaus asked. * *"Both," she said and Iolaus started laughing. Tom: Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, that was SO hilarious, I think I am going to puke. *"See you are a great bard," he said and took his seat and so did *Gabrielle. Joel: Was her seat ON Iolaus? Crow: Joel! Joel: This is the pot calling the kettle black. Crow: No, I was upset because you got to it first... *Then Gabrielle saw a familiar face and said, "Xena, Joxer is *here." Tom: [As Gabrielle] My spider sense is going crazy! *Joxer just stood there and looked around the tavern till he *found Xena in the fair corner he quickly went to her and said, *"Xena Gabrielle we need to talk," with worry on his face. Tom: Just when we thought she'd learned to puncuate. Crow: Joel, what's a fair corner? Joel: I'll tell you when you're older. *"Alright Joxer," Xena said. Then looked toward the group, "We'll *be right back," she said. Tom: They're just stepping outside for a minute. Crow: Hopefully only one will come back in. *And took Joxer to the side followed by the Gabrielle. Joel: OH NO! IT'S THE GABRIELLE...BACK FOR REVENGE! Tom: Just when you thought it was safe to MST lame-o fanfics... *"What's wrong Joxer?" Gabrielle asked. Crow: [As Joxer] Oh, nothing. We're all going to die in a few minutes, but I don't think even the deaths of all the characters will change anything in this fanfic. *"Well it's like this, I just came from Amphipolis Joel: [As Joxer] And you think the crowd here is tough... *and Ares has captured your mother and brother," he said looking *at Xena. All: GASP!!! NO!!! Tom: This twist makes me want to stay and read the rest. Not. *"Oh just great," Gabrielle sighed. Crow: Isn't it just peachy-keen? Gosh. *"I'm telling you if Ares even hurts them I'll kill him," Xena *said and headed back toward the group. Tom: And I'm telling YOU if you don't use any commas I'll do my infamous William Shatner impression...while he's singing "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"! Joel: No--Tom--you can't! Think of the children! Tom: I mean it...this is WAR. *"Well it turns out that Ares has my mother and brother too," *Xena told the group. Tom: Picture..yourself in...a...boat on a...river...with... Joel&Crow: TOM! STOP! Tom: I told you I'd do it. Joel: We believe you! Please, just anything but that! *"I tried to help them but Ares disappeared before I could get *there," Joxer said feeling guilty for being too slow. Crow: If you ask me, he should feel guilty for being in the series at all. *"Joxer it wasn't your fault, but I thank you for trying to help *though," Xena said. Tom: [As Xena] Your card is in the mail. *"Hey I'm getting tired of this, why don't we go over to Ares *temple right now and trash the place until he comes to us," *Gabrielle said. Joel: Whoa! Now, THERE'S a plan! Crow: An extremely dumb one? Joel: Exactly. However, it is a plan, and since I'm sick of all this sitting around in a tavern, I'd prefer any plan. Tom: Especially one where the characters might all get smoten by the gods. Joel: That's what I had in mind, yes. *The others looked at each other and then back at Gabrielle. * *"Hey you know I think she's on to something," Iolaus said. Crow: I think of it more as, "Hey, I think she's on something." *"Well we can do that but we'll have to wait until tomorrow," *Hercules said. Joel: All the temples are closed after five. *"Why not now?" Gabrielle asked. Joel: Now, young lady, I'm not going to run through it all over again just because you were fooling around in the back with your boyfriend, you're going to have to get the notes from someone else. *"Well for one we just had some ale, the second is that it's dark *and gods can see better in the dark then they do in the light," *Xena said. Tom: Oh? They do, do they? *"That's a good reason," Sinbad said. Crow: I beg to differ. *"So that's what we'll do for tomorrow?" Iolaus asked. Crow: [As Iolaus] I just want to make sure before I book the bus tickets. *"Do you agree?" Xena asked Sinbad. Joel: [As Sinbad] Hm, it sounds stupid, risky and badly thought out.... *Sinbad looked at Maeve and said, "Agreed." Joel: [As Sinbad] ....But hell, I'll do it anyway! *"Doubar do you know the way back to the ship?" Sinbad asked. Tom: [As Sinbad] Take a right at the dock, no, no, a *right* ...Are you paying attention? *"Of course Sinbad northward along the beach." Doubar answered. Crow: [As Doubar] And then I'll just swim the half-a-mile or so until I reach the ship... *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ * *"What are you going to do to us you bastard," yelled Cyrene. Tom: Well, first there is the original "Lost In Space" series reruns, then we were thinking a little shuffleboard, some music... *"Oh love the choice of words, they're like music to my ears, Crow: Elevator music. Joel: Or worse, the music you hear in shopping plazas. Crow: [Shudders] *don't worry we won't hurt you unless your family member refuses *our agreement," Ares said and started laughing a wicked laugh. Tom: Hah, like, that laugh was so wicked, dude. Crow: Tubular. Joel: Rad. Ugh...I felt dirty just saying it... *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"So where are we going to sleep tonight, the bartender said that *the inns are full," Gabrielle said. Tom: How does the bartender know that, exactly? *"Well when Iolaus and I came here we passed a field away from *the road but not to far from the village," Hercules said. Joel: One question: if the field was away from the road, then what was between the road and the field? Empty space? *"That will do," Sinbad said. Crow: That'll do, pig. That'll do. Tom: [sniffs] I loved that movie! *"But it's not very far from the mountain so there might be snow *there," Iolaus said. Tom: Since there is often snow in fields around the Mediterranean. Crow: They just used some of the fake stuff you find in ski resorts. Joel: They had to do something--it's a long hike to Aspen from Patrai or where ever the hell they are this time. *"Even better," Maeve said. Crow: [As Maeve] I just love sleeping in snow drifts! Maybe we'll even get hypothermia this time! *"I could work on my snowballs," Gabrielle said. Tom: And Xena could make unproportional snow-women. Crow: And Sinbad could chat them up! *"So what are we waiting for?" Joxer said. Tom: [As Gabrielle] Who said *you* could come, dweeb? *"Joxer would you mind taking a letter to my sister Lila in *Potidia," Gabrielle asked. Crow: [As Joxer] Maybe I will, maybe I won't...what's in it for me? *"Sure why not?" Joxer said. Joel: If anybody here thinks that Joxer is the embodiment of Boy Scouts everywhere, please raise your hand. Tom: I would if I could. *"Hang on let me get it," Gabrielle said. "It's in one of my *packs." Tom: [As Gabrielle] Let's see, where is it...spare underwear, toothbrush, my shipment of illegal drugs I'm carrying over the border--ah! Here it is! *She got up and went toward Argo and got her bag full of stories *and letters. Crow: I wonder if the stories have pictures... *She came back in and took out everything from her bag which was *a big pile. Joel: So she just dumps them out on the floor in the middle of the tavern? She's a pretty classy dame. *"Well Gabrielle looks like you had a lot of adventures," Iolaus *said as he picked up one of her scrolls and started reading. Tom: Ya think? Wow, I'm impressed. Crow: Maybe he hasn't been following the series. Tom: What's there to follow? *"Well you better believe it, this is only 1/4 of our *adventures." she said while quickly looking through her scrolls. Joel: And if we don't believe it? *"Ah here it is," Gabrielle said. Crow: Took you long enough. Joel: When all her scrolls are the same featureless rolled up pieces of paper, they might be hard to distinguish in a large pile on the tavern floor. *"There you go Joxer," she said while handing the scroll to him. * *"Don't worry I'll get right on it," Joxer said and left. Tom: He's gone! One down and...uh...a lot left. Darn. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"Well Ares you did a great job," Hera said. Joel: Yeah, nobody can do absolutely nothing like Ares can. *"Yeah we'll all in a seconds work," he said. Crow: What the hell does that mean?! Tom: And the author was getting so comprehensable, too... Crow: She was?! Why wasn't I told about this?! *"What are they waiting for," Ares asked. Joel: The End...same as everybody else. *"Oh my guess is that they are going to rest before they go after *us." Rumina said. Tom: Yep, they've got to be all freshened up before they get in any large fights. It's the sailor code. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *Later at the Snowy Campsite... Joel: The campers all decided to go one field over, since all the surrounding area was free of snow, and they were in no danger of freezing themselves to death for no reason. Crow: Hey, maybe we should encourage them to stay in the snowy field... *"Hey Iolaus, you're it!" Gabrielle yelled after hitting him with *a snowball. Tom: Hey! Be careful! You might take his eye out with that thing. Crow: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. *"Oh Sinbad I have a gift for you," Maeve said. Tom: [Hopefully] A question mark? *"What is it?" he asked slyly. Joel: [Hopefully] A kick in the head? *"A Snowball for desert," she cried and hit him in the chest with *a snowball. Tom: Ha ha ha...oh. I laugh. Not. Somebody shoot this before it can wreak any more havok. *"Two can play at this game," Sinbad teased. Then pulled on a *tree branch that was full of snow and it all fell on Maeve. Joel: I thought they were in the middle of a field. Crow: I thought I was going to have a good day. How wrong I was. *"Oh you want to play tough huh," Maeve said and put a snowball *down his shirt. Crow: I take back what I said, this might get interesting! *And laughing with delight when he started jumping around, Tom: [With bad Mexican accent] Dance! Dance I tell you! *but he quickly surprised Maeve when he knocked her down and *started tickling her. Joel: This is getting bad, guys. Crow: [Shocked expression] You're kidding! *Between Gabrielle and Iolaus. Tom: Yes. Smile and nod, and everything will be all right... *Gabrielle was winning and kept hitting Iolaus before he could *even make a snowball. Joel: So Iolaus is a loser. Is anyone surprised? *While the four were throwing snowballs and tickling one another Crow: This could get pretty kinky... Tom: It can hardly get much worse. *Hercules and Xena were laughing at their friends and Doubar, *Rongar, and Firouz were snickering at their friends. Crow: Why didn't the author just say they were all laughing? Tom: Because that would have made sense. Joel: Maybe I missed something, but aren't Firouz and Rongar supposed to be pushing the crates through the sand? Crow: Maybe the story is missing something. Tom: Maybe the author is missing something. Talent. *Maeve was laughing so hard she started to hiccup but Sinbad kept *tickling her that brought the rest of there crew laughing Tom: Tickling Maeve brought the rest of there crew laughing? What is that supposed to mean, anybody? Help me, please? Crow: What crew who where why how? Tom: So many questions, so little hope. *till their sides ache. Joel: My head hurts, never mind their sides. *But Sinbad still didn't stop. Tom: Sometimes it feels like he never will. *"Ok- you- sea-dog quit-be-fore-I h-it you with- a light-ing- *bolt," Maeve managed between laughter and hiccups. Crow: Ok- you- lousy- fan-fic quit-before I- thr-ow up... *"Well since you asked nicely," Sinbad said Crow: Dare I hope?! *standing and offered a hand to help Maeve up. Reluctantly Maeve *took his hand while still hiccuping. Crow: Nuts, crushed again. *But Gabrielle wouldn't give Iolaus a chance to speak. And when *he did try to speak snow would be thrown in his mouth. Joel: No great loss there. *"Xena I think some of you rubbed onto Gabrielle," Hercules said. Tom: Yuck, she's shedding. Crow: So that who's hair I keep finding in my soup! *"I mean the last time I saw her she looked like any village *girl." Joel: Except worse. *"Yeah I've noticed that too," Xena said. Tom: [As Xena] She was pretty bad. Hasn't improved much, huh? *"Well one day Iolaus told me you were dead, Crow: [As Hercules] It was a bit of a shock--we were just sitting there, eating our breakfast and... *I thought he was just joking he is always doing something like *that Crow: [As Hercules] ...it gets pretty annoying after a while, I usually have to pound him before he stops... *but when he started getting tears in his eyes that's when I Crow: [Still as Hercules] ...realised I had put to much onions in the stew... *believed him and it got me thinking what would the world be like *without the great Xena," Hercules said. Crow: [Hercules yet again]...and I realised it would be a whole lot nicer. Quieter, for one thing. You can hear your patented "Xena Shrieks" across the mainland. Joel: Nice running impression, Crow. Crow: [Modestly, but not as Hercules] I do my best. *"It's true I did die but I fought to come back Tom: Unfortunately for us. *and I won't die for a long time I'll make certain of that," Xena *said. Joel: Not if we have anything to say in the matter... *"Maeve if you hold your breath you will quit hiccuping," Firouz *said. Tom: Maeve, if you'll hold your breath long enough, you'll pass out, and it will be TWO down! *"Sorry to- disappoint you- Firouz I've already- tried that," *Maeve said. Crow: But you didn't hold it long enough, dammit! *"You could try hanging upside down it always worked for me," *Sinbad said laughing. Joel: [As Sinbad] That's why I'm frequently hanging from the beams on the Nomad....yeah, that's it... *"Uh-huh and I'm-supposed to-trust you," Maeve said slyly. Crow: It's not like she couldn't reveal anything upside down that she does right side up. Joel: You sound disappointed. *"Oh heck with-it I'll willing-to try anything," she said Tom: [Malevolently] Anything? Muhahahaha.... *and got up to go to the closets Crow: ...to pick out her favourite tree climbing outfit... *and sturdiest tree branch. Which got the others laughing. Joel: [As the others] Ha ha ha...uh, what are we laughing at? *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"I'm telling you one last time Ares let us go," Cyrene said. Tom: And I'm telling you one last time, use correct punctuation! *"Good then I won't have to here your voice anymore and I will *when your family members are free," Ares said. Joel: Well, at least Ares is making his retort in a clear and coherent manner. Crow: You're being sarcastic, right? Joel: Incredibly. *"Ares I've got one more person for the bait," Rumina said. Tom: She's the one who needs the hook, if you ask me. Joel: Ha ha, very punny. *"What's your name woman," Ares ordered. Crow: [As Rumina] Rumina, DUH. *"Ma- Maggie," the woman said with fright. Joel: [As Ares] Well, Ma-Maggie, what are you creditals for being a hostage? Any previous experiences? Crow: [As Ma-Maggie] No, but I train quickly and I can faint really convincingly after screaming like a hysterical teenager! Joel: [As Ares] You're hired! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~ *"How you doing, Maeve?" Sinbad said laughing as Maeve came and *sat down. Tom: [As Maeve] I doing much better. Thanks. Crow: I doing much worse. When is this turkey going to be over? Joel: [Scans down quickly] Still quite a few pages left. And then there is Part Two... Crow: I think I'll kill myself now and end the pain. Tom: But then Egyptlogic will have accomplished her nefarious mission to rid the Internet of sophisticated fanfic readers... Crow: You really think I'm sophisticated? Tom: Heck no. But if you aren't here, who can I count on to make rude jokes? Joel? Ha! Joel: Thanks. Crow: I guess you're right. I'll put off death for the moment, but only because there are so many things in life left to heckle. Tom: That's the spirit! *"Much better," Maeve said. *Dermott suddenly came and started going chirping like crazy. Joel: When has he ever *not* chirped like crazy? He's a hawk! *"Dermott what's wrong," Maeve said as she got her glove on, and *as he got settled on her arm then told her in mind voice. Tom: Mind voice, huh? Crow: Cheaper than collect. **Sister, Rumina has captured our mother Maggie.* Joel: How does Dermott know, exactly? Tom: How does anybody? I'm completely lost. But then, I was never following in the first place. Crow: Maybe Dermott was peeping in Rumina's window and found out that way. Maybe we should give him more credit. *"What!" Maeve screamed forgetting to use her mind voice. Joel: And got $4.56 charged to her account. **It's true I saw her myself,* Dermott said. * *"Go make sure they don't hurt her," Maeve said. "And you tell me *if they even lay a finger on her and be careful," Tom: Yes mother. I promise to eat my vegetables and clean my room, too. *she said still forgetting to use her mind voice. Crow: [Shakes head] Now she owes $23.76! Dermott should have waited until after six o'clock. **Yes sister,* Dermott said and flew off. Then Maeve got up and *screamed. Joel: ...why? Crow: Why indeed? I think if we figured out half the "why's" in this story we would all be a lot happier. *"RUMINA!! SHOW YOURSELF!!" Maeve yelled. Tom: Don't you think she already shows too much? *Within moments a fog cloud came and a dark haired woman took *it's place. Crow: Hmm...I *wonder* who this could be...the suspense is terrible. *"You called peasant wench," she said. Joel: Personally, I prefer the fog. *"You let Maggie go right now as well as their families," Maeve *said. Tom: [As Rumina] Make me! *"Now why would I let your mother go, she's the bait," Rumina *said. Crow: 'Cause we're asking pretty please with sugar on top? *"The bait for what!" Maeve challenged. Joel: Oh, I don't know...this devious plan is too complicated for me. Tom: That's not saying a whole lot. *"You ask your brother if he will become my husband." Rumina *said. Tom: [As Maeve] Which one? My brother Darrel, or my other brother Darryl? *"He says no," Maeve said. Joel: Shocked! I am shocked! *"Ask him now," Rumina said. Crow: Some how, I think the answer will be the same. *"He told you no 7 years ago Rumina. Tom: That should be enough for anybody. *What do you think his feelings are for you now," Maeve said. Joel: She doesn't know...that's why she's asking. Do I have to explain everything around here?! *"You separated him from his true love and cursed him till the *day you die." Crow: Just like we're cursed until the day this fic is over. *"Enough of this talk," Rumina said. "He doesn't do what I want *he doesn't get what he wants," she said and disappeared. Tom: That's pretty much it works. You don't follow my evil demands and I disappear in a puff of smoke. It's a dog eat hawk world. *"Maeve," Sinbad said. Joel: [As Maeve] That's my name, don't wear it out! *"Not now Sinbad I'll be back," Maeve said and headed toward the *woods. Crow: [As Maeve] ...I've got to see a man about a horse. *"I'll be back as well," Sinbad said and followed where Maeve had *left. Joel: Ah, the call of nature. *He followed Maeve's footprints till he found her next to a lake *that was frozen. Tom: Oh, that's right. They're in a particular part of the Mediterranean that has below-freezing temperatures. *"Maeve," Sinbad said. Crow: [As Maeve] Quit calling me that! *"What," she said just above a whisper. Tom: [Just above a whisper] ...is going on? *"May I sit with you?" he asked. All: No. *"If you want to," she said. Joel: *I* don't want him to. Does that count? *Sinbad came and sat next to her and noticed that she was about *to cry. Tom: He's unusually perceptive today. *"Maeve you want to talk about it," Sinbad said. All: No. Crow: I hope not, it might drag this nonsense out further... *"No just hold me," Tom: Thank God. Even a bad cliche was preferable to a long, rambly, badly punctuated reiteration of what we already know. Crow: Almost. That cliche WAS pretty bad. *she replied and Sinbad quickly took her in his arms and let her *cry in his arms. It killed him to see the woman he loved to be *so sad. Crow: Alright! Two down! *"Maeve I promise you we will kill Rumina for hurting you and *your family," he said trying to calm her down. Joel: He lives. *"I know, I know," she said between sobs. Tom: [As Meave]...and it's tearing me up inside! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"Nice job Rumina," Hera said. Crow: Nose or boob? *"It was easy," Rumina said. Joel: And cheap. *"I still say she's alright for a mortal," Ares said. Tom: And I still think you're a lousy excuse for a god. *"I'm starting to agree with you," Hera said. Crow: Yes, he IS a lousy excuse for a god, isn't he? *"I'm just glad I got that wench to shut up," Rumina said. Joel: I just wish you'd follow her example. *"And a good job doing it," Ares said. Tom: [As Ares] I've never seen anyone make such lame threats so forcefully. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"Do you think she is alright?" Doubar asked. Crow: ...in the head? Tom: Maeve has never been alright. Ever. I can not stress this enough. Joel: I think we're getting the general gist, Tom. *"She probably trying to sort it out and Sinbad is probably with *her," Firouz said. Tom: That's what I love about Firouz; always on the ball. Crow: Or at least aware of where the ball is. *"Well guys we'll leave for the ship when they get back cause *Sinbad might want Maeve to go with us," Doubar said. Joel: Ya think?! She's only been sailing with you for ages! Such loyalty! *"Do you really think that Maeve would agree to that," Firouz *said. Crow: [Hopefully] If Maeve doesn't want to leave I'll take her place. Tom: Anything to get out of reading this, huh? Crow: Yep. Tom: But think about it: is it really better to be IN the story? Crow: I still wouldn't have to read it. Tom: Good point. Maybe I can stow aboard... *"You're right, that girl and my brother are the most stubborn *couple," Doubar said. Joel: They're not the brightest, either. Tom: Neither. Crow: Nor. *"I agree they're both blind, Joel: [As Gabrielle] That's why they wear the clothes they do. Ugh, fall colours... *they love each other and everyone Tom: I see Sinbad and Maeve are from the Sixties. Crow: Free love, man! Groovy. Joel: I feel secure in the knowledge I burned all my bell-bottoms LONG ago. *except themselves can see it," Gabrielle said. Tom: If themselves can see it, nobody can. Crow: Or possibly everybody. Or...oh, I just don't know any more! Tom: Did you ever in the first place? *"I didn't see them just now because I had snow in my face," *Iolaus said. "But I did hear them." Joel: Nice excuse, Iolaus. Very convienient. And where was Gabrielle during all of this supposed blindness? *"I think they are the cutest and funniest couple I've ever *seen," Firouz said. Crow: And I think this is one of the most boring fics I've read. It's WAY too long. The author could chop ten pages out of it and not diminish a thing! Tom: The author could chop THIRTY pages out of it and not diminish a thing! *Rongar nodded his head in agreement. Joel: What's the matter, Lassie? What's happened? Little Timmy has fallen down a thirty-seven foot well and has fractures of the fibia and of three ribs and has internal bleeding? *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ Crow: Scene break! Quick, let's make our get-away while they're all busy changing the scenery! *"Thanks Sinbad I feel better now," Maeve said. Crow: Rats. I wasn't quick enough. Tom: BUSTED! *"You're welcome Maeve I'm glad you fell better," Sinbad replied. Joel: See, a quick kick to the pants/miniscule skirt is just what she needed. *"We better get back everyone is probably talking about us," *Maeve said. Crow: As a matter of fact, they are. Tom: [As Doubar] So there I was, and who should walk in but *Sinbad and Maeve*! Together! I was shocked! Is there any more of those crumpets? *"Ya we better," Sinbad said Joel: Has Sinbad been training with Arnold? Tom: [Thick Austrian Accent] Hear me now, und undterstandt me late-ah.... Crow: It does explain the incomprehensible dialogue. Tom: There's been dialogue? I thought they were just horribly mis-punctuated sentances thrown together! *getting up and holding his hand out to help Maeve up. And she *gladly took it. Joel Because there was nothing better. There's a moral in here, somewhere. Crow: Buried deep, deep down, so far we don't have to worry about it. *"You do know that I'll always be there for you?" Sinbad asked. Joel: [Singing] I'll be there for you.... Crow: [Shaking head] When is Ross going to learn? He and Rachel will never get together! *"Aye I do," Maeve answered with a smile and quickly gave *Sinbad a kiss. Tom: This is SO cheesy, we should sell it to Kraft. *"What was that for?" Sinbad asked shocked All: WHAT DO YOU THINK? *and delighted at the same time. Crow: Oh, he was acting. Stanislovsky would be proud. *"Just because," Maeve said. "Shall we get back." * *"Of course let's go," Sinbad said. Tom: ...far, far away from here. *BACK AT THE CAMPSITE.. AT SUNRISE... Crow: What? No incredibly long useless scene break? And just when I was starting to enjoy them... *"Sinbad, we are leaving for the Nomad now," Firouz said. Joel: Bon voyage! Tom: Don't rush back! Crow: Hope you're travelling around ice-bergs! *"Alright but be careful," Sinbad said. Crow: They're leaving him here? Tom: Hey, but that means that the rest of them are gone! Three more down! We're getting close! *"Sinbad you ready," Gabrielle asked. Sinbad looked at Maeve and *when she nodded he said, "Yes, we're ready." Joel: The only thing I'm ready for is this fic to be over. *"Alright lets go to Ares' temple," Iolaus said. and started the *group onward. Tom: Mush! Mush! Crow: On Donner! On Blitzen! *"Hey Gabrielle," Iolaus said. Joel: [Singing] Hey hey hey... *"What?" she asked. * *"Tell me a story, please," Iolaus said. Tom: Aww...how cute. Crow: It's so sweet, I'm getting cavities! *"What would you like to hear?" Gabrielle asked. Joel: The Sound of Silence would be nice. Crow: Even better: the sound of the computer deleting this stinker. *"How about one of your adventures that I haven't heard yet," he *said. Tom: Yeah, how about that? *"O.k. have I told you about Xena and the Bacchi?" she asked. Crow: Hey...this might get interesting! *"Yes," Iolaus said. Crow: Tell it again! Tell it again! *"How about the time Joxer, Xena, and I meet Cleopatra?" *Gabrielle said. Tom: How about you use the right tense? *"You've meet Cleopatra!" Iolaus said in surprise. Tom: How about you use only ONE tense! Is that too much to ask? Crow: I think we all know the answer to that one. *"O.k how about that one." Gabrielle said. Joel: Ummmm...no. *"Sure," he said. * *"Sinbad," Maeve said. "Dermott senses something." Crow: Oh no...I guess we won't get to hear that story after all. Nuts. Joel: Could you stop being so sarcastic, Crow? The reader's must have it dripping all over the floor by now! Crow: Oh, I'm *sooooo* sorry...was that better? Joel: I give up. *"Ask him what it is." Sinbad replied. Maeve was listening to *Dermott then said, "He says He says there is a gang of thieves *near by." Tom: Hawk Radar. It's a good thing. *"Get ready to fight," Sinbad said. "I'm going to worn the *others." Crow: Aren't they worn out enough already? Tom: Are you talking about the cliches, or the story "plot points"? Crow: It doesn't really matter. *"Alright," Maeve said and put her hand on the hilt of her *broadsword. Then she felt darkness overwhelm her. Tom: I think I can feel nausea overwhelming me... *"Where did Maeve go?" Joel: Who cares, as long as she doesn't come back. *Gabrielle said. "She just disappeared." Tom: Very good, Gabrielle! Mr. Rogers would be proud. Crow: Can you say "inept"? I knew you could! *"What?!" Sinbad said and quickly looked around. Joel: That's right, Sinbad, she might only be hiding behind you! *Dermott started chirping wildly. Tom: Because somebody set off his car alarm. *"Dermott, where is she," Sinbad asked the hawk. Crow: You know you're desperate for directions when... *Dermott telepathically said, *She was kidnapped.* Joel: No....really? *"Kidnapped by who?" Sinbad said. Crow: Hmm...let me channel the answer through the Spirit Channel... Tom: [Aside] Only $29.95 per month! Ask about our new Senior rates! Crow: I am channelling the spirits..they seem to think that the butler did it...they're obviously not on the same fanfic...lucky stiffs... Joel&Tom: [Groans] **By Rumina, Sinbad we got to go to her immediately,* Dermott *said. Tom: Quick, if we hurry, we can catch the Number Nine Bus! Express to the Evil Hideout! "Rumina has Maeve, we are going to have to hurry or else Rumina *will kill her," Sinbad said and started a fast pace toward the *temple of Ares. Joel: Thanks for summing it up, Sinbad. There were a couple in the back who didn't quite understand the entire "plot". *To be continued Crow: Not if I have anything to say in the matter! Joel: Sorry, Crow...Part Two is coming right up. *Three Enenmies Sitting in a Row.... Part 2 Crow: Doomed! We're doomed! Joel: Don't worry, it's only three *enenmies*. They can't hurt us! *By Egyptlogic Tom: I tried to warn everybody back in the intro, really I did. *"Here's his precious sister," Rumina said. *"Well well ain't she a beauty," Ares said with lust in his eyes. Crow: Well well ain't this a stinker of a story, Crow said with disgust in his eyes. *"Maeve!" Maggie said. Joel: [As Maeve] Why does everybody keep yelling that?! *"Mother?" Maeve said looking around and saw Maggie in a small *cage. Tom: She probably would have had more room if they'd taken the hamster wheel out first. *Ares quickly made Maeve look at him. Crow: Ha ha! Made you look! *"Why don't you come and entertain me," he said with a smile on *his face. Tom: Why don't you hurry up and finish the story? *Since Rumina had good hold on her arms she kicked Ares in the *groin. Crow: Why did Rumina kick Ares in the groin? Joel: Why is there so much groin kicking going on at all? I think Egyptlogic has an obsession. *He didn't feel any pain but he stepped in surprise. Crow: Should I make a joke in here about "balls of steel" or would that not be in good taste? Joel: [Wincing] I think any joke applicable here has already been made. *"Oh I love a woman who plays hard to get," he said with a smile. Tom: If the women all play hard to get like that, he might have a problem when he gets to loving them! *"Not now Ares why don't we take her in the same cage with her *mother they can reunite before they both die," Rumina said. Joel: If we move the water dish, Maeve might just fit. *"Ok but don't you think we have enough bait," Ares said. Crow: Does the bucket of worms outside count? *"Why of course I didn't want Sinbad to feel left out of all *this," Tom: I'm SURE Sinbad would want to take part in all the groin kicking! *Rumina said and with a flick of her hand All: Talk to the hand! *Maeve was in the same cage with her mother. Joel: See? Plenty of room once you take out the pellet dispenser. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"Is this the temple," Gabrielle asked. Crow: Is this the end? I think not. *"Yes but there's one thing, what if only Ares comes and not *Rumina or Hara," Iolaus said. Joel: That's food for thought...what if *Ares* shows up to defend *his* temple...what an idea! Tom: That's Iolaus for you...a deep thinker. *"We will have to see," Hercules said. Tom: One question, where did those thieves from Part One go? Crow: I...don't know. Maybe they got killed during the scene break. *"Now let's go trash the place," Gabrielle said. Joel: Eggs? Check. Toilet paper? Check. *"Yeah let's go," Iolaus said. Tom: Has anyone else noticed that Iolaus and Gabrielle have been acting like teenagers throughout this entire fic? Crow: Has anyone noticed that their mental age is fifteen? *"Xena, for some reason she becomes more like you each day," *Hercules said. Joel: Loud, obnoxious and immature. *"What can I say she has talents to," Xena said. Tom: Talents to what? Don't leave us in suspense, Xena! Crow: We never knew Gabrielle had TALENTS! *"Let's go goin in the fun," Hercules said, Joel: What's a "goin"? Tom: Maybe it's a misspelling of "groin". *and hurried in with Xena close behind. Crow: Yeah, I bet she's keeping a close eye on his behind... Joel: Crow... *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ Joel: Scene break...everybody take five! Tom: Five what? Joel: Five of those tildes...that way we'll get rid of them. *"Ares they are turning your temple into ruins," Rumina said. All: DUH. *"Get all of our bait and take them to my temple and make sure *they can't get out yet," Ares said and dissappeared. Tom: Why didn't he just take them? Crow: He likes giving orders more? *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ Joel: Not another load...we barely got the last scene break cleared away... *"Enough!" Ares screamed. Crow: You're telling me! *"Hello brother nice to see you," Hercules said. Tom: Gotta love cliched family reunions. *"Yeah right, you are starting to try my patience Xena," Ares *said. Crow: [As Hercules] Hey, Ares...*I* was talking to you! *"Ok here is your beloved family and friends," Rumina said as she *and the others appeared. Joel: [As Sinbad] Great Aunt Agnes, are you alright? Tom: [As Agnes] I've been better, sonny...but you should've seen the kick I gave Ares! *"We'll make this quick we will give you back your family if you *give us something in return," Ares said. Crow: I'll trade you my peanut butter sandwich AND my chocolate cookie for Maeve. Tom: Thrown in your juice box, and we have a deal! *"What is it you want?" Sinbad asked. All: Stove Top Stuffing! *"I want Xena, Crow: Don't we all? *Rumina wants Maeve's brother and Hara wants Hercules," Ares *said. "So what will it be." Tom: Who is Hara? And why does she want Hercules? Joel: His tight buns? I don't know. Crow: Joel... *"Give us a few minutes to talk," Hercules said. Joel: It's really a big decision. Y'know, I'd like to see a story where the family gets kidnapped, and the hero doesn't trade him/herself for them. Tom: Then why are you reading this?! It's got as many cliches as spelling mistakes! *"Fine but make it quick," Ares commanded. Joel: [As Ares] You have sixty seconds! Crow: [As Hercules] Sixty seconds?! That's not enough time! We need at least a minute! Joel: [As Ares] Fine, you have a minute--but that's it. *The group came together and talked. Tom: I ain't talkin', flatfoot! *"If we could trap them in the cellar I will go and hold the door *shut, till Iolaus and Gabrielle unlock our families and take *them to the cave not far from here, I won't be able to hold the *door shut forever but I can hold them off until you guys get out." Hercules said. All: WAAAAAHHHH! Tom: It's started! The run-on sentances! *"Alright let's get to it," Iolaus said to Gabrielle. Joel: Can I just cut in here to mention that the plan is THE MOST IDIOTIC ONE I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS?! They're going to trap two gods and a powerful soceress in the cellar?! Okay, that's it. I refuse to read this any more. Crow: What are you going to do? Joel: I am just going to take a nap, and you guys can tell me what happens when it's over. Crow: That's not fair! Why do we have to read it?! Joel: [Menacing glare] Crow: Never mind. *"Let's go," Hercules said to the other two and led them toward *the cellar door. Tom: [As Xena] I ...uh...I forget where the cellar is...can somebody show me? *"Have you made a decision?" Ares said. Crow: Yes...but we can't decide to have the GREEN couch with the BLUE curtains, or whether to just go with the paisley. *"There is something you should know," Hercules said. Tom: That's not saying a whole lot. Crow: It's *kinda* what we're constantly saying to the author. *"Follow us all of you," Xena said. Tom: [As Xena] Yes...we're just walking down towards the cellar for absolutely no reason...dum de dum... *"And why should we?" Rumina said. Crow: [As Hercules] Hey, Rumina...there's something I would like to *show* you... Tom: Ahem? Joel: I told you, I'm not paying any attention to this fic. Crow: But it's just not the same! *"So we can make a compromise," Sinbad said. Tom: [As Sinbad] Yeah...that's it. A *compromise* [starts to giggle] *"Alright but it better be good," Hara said. Crow: [As Hercules] Oh, it *is*. ...Tom, is it just me, or are the villians so dumb, and the "dialogue" so cliched it's hard to come up with good lines? Tom: It's definitely getting harder, but at least it's almost done. Joel! We need your creative output! Joel: Well, I *suppose* I could start reading it again. ...Are they dead yet? Tom: Not quite, but we don't think it's long now. *As Xena, Hercules, and Sinbad brought the goods and the *sorceress to the cellar. Crow: Psst...you got the goods? Tom: Yeah...I got the goods...you got the cash? *Gabrielle and Iolaus snuck over to the cages. Then Gabrielle *remembered something. Joel: Great timing, Gabrielle. *"Wait we need the keys," she whispered. Crow: [As Iolaus] D'Oh! *"Are you talking about these," Maeve said Joel: Where did Maeve come from?! *and held out her hand and throw the keys to Gabrielle. Tom: [As Maeve] Cross my palm with silver! *"Free the others first," Maeve said. Crow: What others? Joel: The ones in the rabbit hutch. *"How did you get them?" Iolaus asked. Tom: Well, first we propped a box on a branched twig. Then we set a carrot underneath and waited. *"Ares walked by and had the keys on his belt and I was able to *grab them without him noticing," she said. Crow: Well, if Ares doesn't noticed a kick to the groin, he won't notice a hand or two. Joel: Or two? Crow: It doesn't say what else she was doing while she was getting the keys... Joel: Crow...! Tom: It's nice to have things back to the way they were. *Then Gabrielle came and unlocked her cage and let Maeve and her *mother out. Joel: I thought Maeve said to let the others out first. Crow: This is Gabrielle and Iolaus. You know how well they are at following instructions. *"We better get going," Iolaus said. Tom: There's the understatement of the century. *"You all go ahead I'll stay and help Sinbad, since I know more *about Rumina than he does." Maeve said and left before any of *them could stop her. Joel: [Iolaus] Wait! Stop! Oh--she's gone. Oh well. Let's eat! *"Let's get the others out of here." Gabrielle said. Crow: Now they're getting around to it. *"Alright everyone we are going to a cave not far from here and *the others will meet us later," Iolaus said to the group. Tom: If anybody has to go, please do so now. And not in your pants, sir, there are facilities. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"Sinbad," Maeve said. Crow: [As Sinbad] That's SIR Sinbad to you! *"Maeve we'll need your help," Sinbad said. Joel: [As Sinbad] I don't think we'll be able to pull off our lame plan of leading the gods to the cellar without you! Tom: That reminds me--if they are in the process of leaving the villains to the cellar, wouldn't Rumina have noticed Maeve? Crow: That's a good question. Which means it will go unanswered.... *"What do I do?' she asked. Joel: This is not the best time to have a mid-life crisis, Maeve. *"Well you and I need to distract Rumina and -" Sinbad said. Crow: [As Sinbad] ...and Rumina's standing right in front of us! *"And kill her," Maeve finished for him. "I agree with that," * *"Well peasant wench talk to your brother yet," Rumina said. Tom: I see Rumina finally decided to comment. *"Same as always Rumina," Maeve snapped. All: Yes. *"Alright, then you die," she said Joel: What...? Does that follow any logic? Crow: Yes. Egyptlogic. Joel: Normal logic? Crow: Sadly, no. *as she put her hand into a fist Which caused Maeve to start *choking. Tom: Yes. Smile and nod, and everything will be all right... *"Maeve!!" Sinbad cried, "You witch let her go." Joel: Which witch is he referring to? *"I don't think so," Rumina said keeping her attention on Maeve Crow: ...and so she didn't notice the hideous green swamp monster closing in behind her...DA da, DA da, DA da da da da da.... *but didn't see Xena sneaking up behind her Tom: Or maybe it's just Xena. Crow: Whew! I guess we can call off the national guard. Joel: I wouldn't be too quick to do that... *and Xena toke her sword Joel: Stoke? Tom: Token? Crow: Karaoke? Joel: All of the above could make just as much sense. *and cut Rumina's head off. Which released Maeve and caused her *to start coughing. Tom: Wouldn't breathing be a better choice of "something to do after you've been suffocating"? Crow: Yes! Another one gone! That's five down! *"Maeve you alright?" Sinbad said with concern. Joel: If you say "Yes, me alright", I'm going to hit you. Tom: [As Maeve] Yes, Sinbad, I happen to be feeling excellent at this point in time. *"I'm fine," Maeve said then quickly jumped up. Crow: Boing! *"Where is Dermott," she asked. Joel: Who knows? Tom: Who cares? *"I don't know, why?" Sinbad said Tom: Obviously not Sinbad. *and ran after Maeve after making sure that Ares and Hara were *taken care of. Joel: Okay, now we're going to be gone for a few hours...there's some food in the fridge and a list of emergeny numbers...Ares, Hera, you be good for the babysitter. *"Dermott where are you?" Maeve said. Crow: The same place as Carmen Sandiago? *"Hey sis finally got her huh," a man said with a laugh. Tom: Hm, I wonder who that could be. *"Dermott!" Maeve said and ran to her brother and hugged him. Joel: Aw. Crow: More like ick. I hate sappy family scenes. Especially badly punctuated and cliched ones. *Then remembered that Sinbad, Xena, and Hercules were with them *and let him go. Tom: I see Maeve has something against PDAs. *"Sinbad this is my brother, Dermott," she said introducing them. Joel: [As Sinbad] Hi, Dermott, nice to meet you--is that a mouse tail hanging from your mouth?! *"Nice to meet you," Sinbad said. Tom: I believe we've done this already--and with more style. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *"It was nice to meet you all but I think we are behind enough so *we are going to have to set sail now," Sinbad said. Joel: Didn't they all meet before in...in...that other story that Egyptlogic did? Crow: Blocked it out of your memory, huh? Joel: It was so traumatizing. *"It was nice to meet you to," Gabrielle said. "So where are we *heading?" she asked Xena. Tom: Far, far away is all I ask for. *"North to Amphipolis," Xena answered. Tom: Good enough! *"We are heading toward Corrinth how about we travel with you for *awhile," Hercules said. Crow: I'm surprised that wasn't *Iolaus's* suggestion. *"Sure why not," Xena said. Joel: I can think of a few reasons... *"See you all later," Iolaus said to the crew. Tom: Where did the crew come from? I thought they set sail already. Joel: Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. This is just starting to blend together into one super-huge mis-punctuated, misspelled cliched run-on sentance. Crow: I've got news for you--that's what the story actually is! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ Crow: Hey, guys--I think this might be the last scene break! Joel: Really? I'm going to miss them. Tom: The same way I miss a broken leg. *LATER THAT EVENING..... Crow: We all went home. The end. *Sinbad and Maeve were topside talking till Maeve started to rub *her back along her shoulder bones. Joel: Woah! Talk about contortionism! *"Maeve what's wrong," Sinbad asked. Crow: She's rubbing her back along her shoulder bones, and he's asking what's wrong?! *"All the advents that happened today Tom: I guess this story takes place in December--it *kinda* explains the snow. *is making my back a little tense," she said. Joel: That would be an understatement. *"Come stand in front of me," Sinbad told her. Crow: Is it going to interesting, finally, at the very end? *Slowly Maeve went and stood in front of him. He took his hands *and started to rub her back and slowly her muscles in her back *started to relax. Crow: So many disappointments. *She slowly turned around and looked into his eyes and they were *inches apart Tom: Woah! Joel: It's Voyage of the Mutants! First Maeve is rubbing her back along her shoulder blades, and now Sinbad's eyes are inches apart! *until they kissed softly Crow: His eyes are now appearantly kissing each other. *till Maeve backed up and said. Tom: [As Maeve] ...my God, you're a freak! *"Goodnight Sinbad and headed down to her cabin. Joel: I think somebody forgot to put closing quotation marks, unless Maeve said "and headed down to her cabin." *And left Sinbad Crow: ...for good! That cheating bastard! *smiling looking out toward the sea. Tom: A lot of Sinbad stories end that way, notice? *GASP* It's another cliche! Joel: So many cliches, so little time to catalogue them all for official protest. *The End Crow: Can it be? Can it be?! It must be a mirage! Joel: Nope...it's real. Now let's get out of here before something else happens. Tom: Like a "Or is it?" tacked on the end? Joel: Exactly. Joel and the bots left the theatre in a hurry, before anything else could happen. " Man oh man." Crow grumbled. " I could have stayed in bed today, but no--I had to feel good enough to get up." " Well, as Egyptlogic stories go, that one wasn't the worse. She is getting better." Joel pointed out. " That doesn't make it any easier to read." Tom replied. " No...but who knows? Maybe, one day, sometime in the distance in the future, Egyptlogic will create a fanfic that's only mediocre." " The run-on sentances have improved, definitely." Crow acknowledged. " But now they're out-numbered by cliches 2:1." " Oh well." Joel sighed. " I guess we should just be lucky that " Three Enenmies in a row" is that last Egyptlogic story." " Yes..." Tom started. " But For How Long?" The REAL End.