This is a MSTing courtesy of Saf&Dy Productions.  You know, all
the stuff about copyright, yadda yadda, nobody reads this anyway,
so skip right over to:

*Why Me?

Crow: Why me indeed? I often wondered this.

*By Rcash1 (was known as Egyptlogic)

Tom: NO! Wasn't "the Sorceress" enough punishment from
Egyptlogic?  Why is she continuing her reign of terror?

Joel: Her reign of "teroor"? Ha hahaha...

Tom: Yeah, whatever, Joel.  Don't quit your day job.

Joel: This is my day job!

Tom: In that case, you're fired.

*This story takes place after Meave has fallen over board and
*before Bryn has become a member of the crew. 

Crow: But didn't all that happen in the same episode?  Does this
story take place during a commercial?

*I know it doesn't go along with the show but for this story
*let's just say they haven't meet Bryn yet.

Joel: Oh, I see.  You want us to turn the other way, pretend that
a huge continuity mistake isn't being made?

Tom: And she didn't even offer us a bribe!

Crow: Deal's off, sister!

*The sun was high but the morning went slow for Sinbad 

Crow: While he was waiting for the gel in his hair to harden...

*since he had a dream 

Joel: [Singing] I had a dream...

*the a teenage girl is being harassed and chased by a group of
*boys. 

Tom: He's reminiscing.

Joel: About being a teenage girl being harassed by boys?

Tom: That's not what I meant, but I have to admit it's a funny
picture.


*He had a feeling that it was real and felt that the girl was
*someone he knew but couldn't put his foot on it. 

Crow: Couldn't put his foot on it? Is that a real metaphor?

Joel: We all know Egyptlogic's great ability to fool around with
the english language.

*He has been having these dreams lately 

Tom: He shouldn't eat that rhubarb before bedtime.

*and he'd been trying to help the girl but he can't which worried
*him all the more.

Joel: He's losing his talent for saving damsels in distress!

Tom: Note "talent" [loose term] is singular.

*Doubar was worried about his little brother he has been quiet
*since morning which wasn't like him. 

Crow: Whoa! Holy Long Run On Sentence, Batman!

Tom: I wonder if Egyptlogic ever got help for her problem with
commas.  I see her difficulty with sentence clauses is still
there.

Joel: [Singing] Santa Clause is coming...to town.

Tom: We can only hope.

Crow: All she wants for Christmas is some commas.

*Doubar finally went up to him.

Crow: [As Doubar] Dammit, Sinbad, it has to come out in the open
now: I have always resented the fact that you get to wear tighter
pants than me!

*"Sinbad you alright," Doubar asked.

Tom: [As Sinbad] Yes, me alright.

*"I'm fine why," Sinbad asked.

Joel: Why, because I want to know!

Tom: Why his punctuation is screwed up?

Crow: But at least it's there.  Be thankful for small favours.

*"You've been day dreaming all day that's not like you," Doubar
*said.

Joel: [As Doubar] Normally you just talk about serious stuff. 
Like accounting.

*"I'm just thinking," Sinbad said.

Crow: You know I hate it when you do that!

*"About what," Doubar asked.

Tom: It's a QUESTION, DAMMIT! USE a QUESTION MARK!

Crow: No need to scream.  Geez.

*"A dream that I've had," Sinbad said.

Joel: I dreamt a dream tonight.

Tom: And so did I.

Joel: Well, what was yours?

Tom: That dreamers often lie.

Crow: There you go, kids! Your culture for the day.  Now let's
keep the culture where it belongs.  Far, FAAAR away from this
fanfic.

*"Must have been some dream then," Doubar said.

All: DUH!

* "Well it looked real and seemed real," Sinbad said.

Crow: Unlike this crummy show and even crummier fanfic.

*"Maybe you should talk about it to Firouz he might be able to
*help you," Doubar said.

Tom: How? By coming up with the fourth century version of Prozac?

Joel: Ah, Firouz.  What will he think of next?

*"I'll do that," Sinbad said. "Would you mind taking the tiller
*while I talk to him."

Tom: AHHHHHH!!!

Joel: Calm down...it could be worse.

Tom: I don't see how.

Joel: She could resort to her old habit of using all run-on

sentences that go on and on without any regard for sentence
structure or format because she doesn't need commas hell no she
gets along fine without--

Tom: All right!  All right! I give in!

*"Sure," Doubar said.

*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*^^^^^^^

Joel: [Singing] sailing, sailing, over the waves we go.

Crow: In her last fanfic, she used little snowflakes.  Now it's
waves.  Is there a pattern forming?

Tom: I hope not.  Remember what happened with the blizzards?

Crow: Ugh--how me forget?

*"When did the dreams start?" Firouz said.

Joel: [As Sinbad] After I fell asleep.

*"Well it started after Meave left," Sinbad said.

Tom: I took a nap that afternoon.

*"Tell me what your dreams are about," Firouz said.
*
*"It's always the same there's a young teenage girl she is being
*harassed by a group of boys 

Crow: Ah, the halcyon days of youth.

*and they chase her till she is safe at home, but they do it
*everyday and she tells her mother 

Tom: Tattle tale!

Crow: Stool pigeon! Rat fink!

*but she can't do anything about it cause she is a woman. Her dad
*won't do anything because he just doesn't care. 

Joel: Wow.  Her mother's useless, and her father's apathetic
about
his daughter getting beaten up everyday.  Nice family.

Crow: What exactly is stopping the mother?  If my daughter was
being harassed by boys, I wouldn't hesitate to beat the snot out
of them.

Joel: But if the mother did beat the snot out of the boys, we
wouldn't have a plot, and this story would be even MORE boring
and pointless!

Crow: No! No! That's impossible!

*That's about it she walks home with her twin sister but the boys
*don't go after her and don't do anything to her," Sinbad said.

Tom: Wait a minute...the boys don't harass her twin sister?!  I
didn't realise obnoxious boys were so picky.

*"The poor girl," Firouz said. "How real does it seem?"

Crow: [as Firouz] Is it as unbelievable as this fanfic?

*"Like I'm right there," Sinbad said.

Tom: I wish I wasn't.

*"What does she look like?" Firouz asked.

Crow: Heh heh...what's she wearing? heh heh heh...

*"She has red hair like Meave only it is a little lighter and
*brown eyes like Meave and her hair is very long," Sinbad said.

Joel: In other words: she looks like Maeve. 

Tom: Didn't Maeve have green eyes?

Crow: That's MAEVE.  This is Meave.  Note the brilliance with
which the author got around trademarked characters.

Tom: Or perhaps it was just a spelling mistake.

Crow: It could be that, yes.

*"So your saying she looks just like Meave only younger," Firouz
*said.

Joel: [clapping] Good for you, Firouz, we knew you'd figure it
out!

*"Yes basically," Sinbad said.

Crow: Then why didn't he just say that?!

Tom: To torture us by making the fanfic longer.

Crow: How diabolical.

*"I'm not going to say it's Meave because if it is real there is
*other people out there that have red hair and brown eyes,"
*Firouz said. 

Joel: Wow, he's really perceptive today.

*"Do you remember any names?"

Crow: Or phone numbers...?

*"No I didn't hear any yelling the only time I hear any talking
*are when she is talking to her parents," Sinbad said.

Tom: And as we all know, parents never address their children by
name.

*"Ok if you have a dream tonight tell me tomorrow the whole
*thing," Firouz said.

Crow: Is there anything else to tell? Besides phone numbers?

*"Alright I'll do that," Sinbad said.
*
*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*^^^^^^^

Joel: [singing] Ba dum...Ba dum...BA dum ba dum ba dum
BADUMBADUMBADUM....

*LATER THAT NIGHT...
*
*The scenery is the same as always so beautiful 

Tom: Oh NO! It's STARTED!

Joel&Crow: What's stared?!

Tom: THE RUN-ON SENTENCES!

Joel: Just when we thought we were safe!

Crow: Run for the hills!

*until screaming was heard and a few minutes later a young
*teenager was running for her life with four guys running after
*her. 

Crow: Ick--BOYS.

*She ran and ran and ran 

Tom: And huffed and puffed...

*until she saw a strong walled cottage ran in and shut and locked
*the door behind then sat in front of the door panting for air.

Tom: AHHHHH!

Crow: This is not happening.  This is not happening.  The
punctuation will appear.  The punctuation will appear....

*Then there was pounding and knocking against the door 

Joel: [cackling] I'll get you, my pretty!

*behind her. She backed away from the door and headed upstairs
*and found her mother in the hall and said.

Tom: And said what? Don't keep us in suspense!

*"Can't you do anything about Christoh and his friends, I'm
*getting sick of them," the girl said.

Tom: That wasn't worth all the suspense.

Crow: She's getting sick of the boys running after her and
beating her up, huh?  

Joel: Before she was only mildly annoyed.

*"I would if I could honey but I'm a woman 

Tom: !

Crow: Women's Lib she ain't!

*and I've tried but the men won't listen," 

Joel: [as the mother] Men! They're all BASTARDS!

*Her mother said. "Talk to your father."

Crow: Isn't her father a man, and therefore useless?

Joel: Hey!

Crow: I meant from the way Egyptlogic was referring to them!

Joel: Okay then.

*"I have, he doesn't care one way or the other," she said.

Tom: [as Maeve] All he does is sit there and watch football!

*"Meave, honey I'll talk to him later but don't to excited 

Joel: God forbid that Maeve to excited.

Crow: Amen.

*about it since he probably won't do anything," Her mother said.


Crow: I told you! Useless!

Tom: [as Mother] I should have listened to my mother!

*"Thanks mom," Meave said and went to the room she and her twin
*Maura shared.

Joel: Maeve and Maura.  How...unoriginal.

*"Did they chase you again Meave," Maura asked.

Crow: [As Maeve] No, they just took me out to the movies and
coffee afterwards.

*"Yes and I'm getting sick of them," Meave said.
*
*"Aren't you scared of them," Maura asked.

Tom: [As Maeve] Of those little twerps? No way!  I could take
'em--hey! Why don't I?

Crow: Because you take after your parents and are completely
useless?

*"A little but I'm starting to get used to them," Meave said.

Joel: It's just so routine, now.

*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*^^^^^^^

Crow: Oh no! The waves are coming over the bow! Ack! I've fallen
over--

Tom: Bot overboard! Bot overboard!

Crow: Glub! Glub!

Tom: I'm not doing mouth to mouth.

*Sinbad awoke that morning with the sun on his face at least he
*thought it was 

Tom: No! It's started again! Save me!

*until he opened his eyes to see a ghost 

Joel: Christmas Past, Present or Future?

*but she looked like the mother in his dream, then she spoke.

Crow: [As the ghost] Hey! Sinbad! You pervert! Stop watching my
daughter in dreams!

*"Yes I'm Meave's mother, she was the one being harassed. 

All: DUH!

Joel: We didn't see that coming at all!

*I've spoken to my husband he won't do anything to help her

Tom: Useless!

*so I've came to ask you to help her," She said.

Crow: We're hoping you might be a little less useless.

*"I will but how did you get here," Sinbad said getting up.
*
*"Meave doesn't know this but I know magic that can take me to
*the past and future, my name is Rose," she said.

Crow: [As Sinbad] I didn't ask your name, but thanks--say,
speaking of the future, are you busy tonight?

*"Alright let me go and tell Doubar and I'll be right with you,"
*Sinbad said.

Joel: [As Sinbad] Just so he doesn't worry that I've gone off
with some floozy that I met ten minutes ago--hey, wait a minute!

*"There is no time we have to leave now or it will be to late,"
*Rose said.

Tom: Too late for what? If this chick can go anywhere in time,
why can't she wait for Sinbad to tell Doubar?

Joel: You're pointing out a continuity error, and we know how
*useless* that is...

*"Let's go then," Sinbad said.
*
*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*^^^^^^^

Crow: The waves are too high! We're going down! We're going down!

Tom: Abandon fanfic! Abandon fanfic!

*"What exactly do I have to do?" Sinbad said.

Joel: [As Sinbad] Can you run through the instructions again? I
missed that last bit.

*"Just get the guys to leave my little girl alone, I don't care
*what you have to do just get them away from my two girls," Rose
*said.

Crow: I thought the boys were only chasing Maeve and NOT her
sister?

Joel: The boys are a bit less *discriminating* now.

*"Why doesn't your husband do anything to help his own daughter,"
*Sinbad said.

Joel: One, two...three!

Tom&Crow: HE'S USELESS!

Joel: Well done.

*"He thinks sticking up for woman is a waste of time," Rose said.

Joel: I think sticking up for those three would be waste of time,
too.

*"They should be coming anytime... there they are go get them."

Tom: [As Sinbad] I can see that, foolish woman!

*"Yes, ma'am," Sinbad said and ran toward the guys who have been
*chasing Meave. 

Crow: I thought they were boys?

Tom: In between the dream sequence and now, ten years have gone
by.  At least, that's what it feels like, reading this fanfic.

*He soon caught up to them and tripped two guys then hit them in
*the head knocking them out. 

Joel: Such finesse.

*He ran to the next closets and pushed them in a tree. 

Crow: Crummy wardrobes! Take THAT!

*Finally he got the one named Christoh 

Tom: How did he know his name?

Joel: Christoh was wearing a "HELLO I'M _____" name-tag.

*and knocked him down and pulled a dagger to his throat and said:
*"Don't you ever chase or harass anymore woman or else you will

Crow: Be condemned to talk with bad grammar forever! Also, you
will never use a comma properly again! HAHAHA!

Tom: That's way harsh, Crow.

*have to answer to me," Sinbad said and gave him a cold stare.
*Reluctantly the boy nodded and when he was let go he ran toward
*the woods.

Joel: That's what we should have done, when we saw Egyptlogic's
name on top.

*Sinbad turned to see if Meave was alright and found her standing
*not far from him and said.

Tom: Said nothing, hopefully.

*"Thank you so much," she said giving him a smile.

Crow: I wonder how she's going to repay him...

Joel: Crow....

*"No trouble glad to help out," Sinbad said. "See you later," and
*was gone.

All: HOORAY!!!

*The end...

All: HOORAY AGAIN!!!!

Crow: Ugh.  Remind me never to sit through another one of
Egyptlogic's confusing, badly punctuated melodramas again.

Joel: Actually, Crow, we've got another one coming up...

Crow: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Joel: Yes...unfortunately...

*This My Life

Crow: ...And it sucks.

*By Egyptlogic

Tom: NO!  NOT AGAIN!

*Hey people this is another one of my stories

Joel: Unfortunately for us.

*...hey I'm on a role so lay off me.

Tom: No way.  You write bad fanfics, you're open season.

*:-P 

Crow: Oh, look.  She included a self-portrait!

*Ok right now I'm typing all of my Maeve stories done 

Joel: I wish I was reading them done.

*and those of you who like the Bryn stories well I start writing
*them soon 

Crow: Whoa--what tense is that?!

Joel: An imaginary one.

*and I'll still be writing Maeve stories to so calm down, don't
*helucinate on me know.

Tom: Whaa....?  Can ANYBODY decipher that?

Joel: Eygptlogicese is a notoriously difficult language.  Only
one person can speak it.

*In this story let's just say there is no Dermott and if you
*can't stand reading a story without the little hawk then you
*better read a different story.

Crow: Let's take her advice and read something different, please,
Joel?

Tom: The last story didn't have Dermott OR Rongar.  Why is she
bothering to point it out in this one?

*Rating: This story is rated PG I guess.

Joel: I would rate this story CS.

Tom: For?

Joel: Completely Stupid.

Crow: That's not what I thought you meant, but I guess it works
too.

*Summary: Can't tell ya you will just have to read to find out
*won't ya. 

Crow: [Monotone] Oh no.  Don't leave us in suspense.

*:P 

Tom: Hey! Another portrait!

*Don't give that sour look just read it if you want to.

Joel: But we don't want to.

Crow: So we get to give you all the sour looks we want!

*Disclamiers: Ok you all know this the people in this story don't
*belong to me Atlantis owns them and don't try to sue me you
*won't get much...

Joel: Not even one comma.

*AND DON'T FORGET TO SEND ME FEEDBACK OR ESLE I WON'T WRITE
*ANYMORE STORIES CAUSE I WON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED TO IMPROVE ON...

Crow: So..many..insults...can't say...all of them...at
once...argh...

Joel: I wonder how she's take it to find out she'd been MSTed?

Tom: She should take it well...it means that SOMEBODY bothered to
read her stories.

*This story is for my friend who has been there for me through
*the years 

Joel: Nice way of saying thanks! "Hey, you're my best friend, I
wrote this crummy fanfic for you!"

*and she wanted me to write this. 

Crow: I bet she regrets it now.

*( Let's just say she gave a small topic ad she wanted me to make
*a story from it.) 

Tom: A story from an ad?  I wonder how that would read...

Crow: "One swashbuckling sea captain seeks red-haired female in
skimpy low-cut leather for long voyage.  Must like being on a
smelly ship full of smellier men.  For details, phone 1-900-ON
NOMAD".

*Okay I get the point. 

Tom: That's first.  She must have heard you, Crow.

Crow: Hear this: YOUR FANFICS ARE CRUMMY, CONFUSING AND BADLY
PUNCTUATED!

*Lights.... camera..... read.....

Joel: Oh god, that was just the foreword?  We're doomed! Doomed!

Tom: Lights...camera...run away...

*10 YEARS AGO....
*
*"Mom I don't love him why do I have to marry him," a young woman
*said.

Crow: [As mother] Because I said so, that's why! 

*"Maeve you have to marry him for your country, we need you to be
*queen when I'm gone," The queen said.

Tom: She can't be Queen without being married?

*"Then let me go out for adventure before I marry, let me see the
*world outside the palace walls, let me have fun before I'm stuck
*in this dreadful castle for the rest of my life," Maeve said.

Joel: [as the mother] Look, hun, if I had to stay in this boring
castle all my life, YOU do too.

Tom: Besides, if she's Queen, she can just leave anyway.

Crow: Maybe she's going to marry someone *useless* who doesn't
let his womenfolk do anything.

Tom: Oh God, not another one!

*"Sorry Maeve we can't do that your wedding is tomorrow 

Crow: Just in case you might have forgotten.

*and you are getting married and that's that," The queen said and
*left before the arguing could continue.

Joel: [As Maeve] Aww, nuts!

*"We'll see about that," Maeve said and went off toward her room.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~

Crow: What the hell are those?!

Tom: Tildes.  A Spanish accent.

Crow: I KNOW they're tildes, I meant what are they in terms of
hilarious running gags that we could do? Snowflakes, waves--

Joel: Oh no, not ANOTHER running gag.

Crow: I got it! Killer bees!

Joel&Tom: Sigh.

*LATER THAT NIGHT....
*Maeve dressed in black climbed out her window into the palace

Crow: Doesn't she want to LEAVE the palace?

*courtyard and ran to the tall apple tree she climbed it and
*jumped over the castle wall without getting caught by any
*soldiers.

Joel: That's a pretty high jump.  I don't think Xena or even
Sailor Jupiter could beat that...

*In the morning she met a sailor 

Crow: Woohoo! Go Maeve! Just out of the castle and already
picking up sailors!

Joel: Crow...

*who would take her to Baghdad if she gave him 

Crow: ...*Waiting expectantly*....

*two of her three rings. 

Crow: What a let down.

*Within a week she was walking the streets of Baghdad and she
*soon meet an old man by the name of Dim Dim. 

Tom: So the sailor wasn't enough, huh?

*Dim Dim was nice enough to bring her in and offered to teach her
*white magic which she agreed to.

Joel: [As Maeve] Free food, free housing, and all I gotta do is
learn butt-kicking magic? What's the catch?

*After a few years she was finally able to bring her magic to the
*surface 

Crow: Was it drowning?

*when she was able to do magic she and Dim Dim moved to the Isle
*of Dawn where she meet Sinbad later on.

Tom: She meet Sinbad, huh?  Wow.  Two tenses in one go.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~
*Maeve woke up and began to think of her life. 

Joel: Mostly how boring it was.

*She knew that they are heading toward Cagaria her home 

Tom: Wasn't Ireland her home, judging from her pseudo-irish
accent in the first episode?

Crow: Yeah, but that's the actual background.  Was she a 
princess? No.  Reality and Egyptlogic are not quite acquainted.

*and she was worried her mother or ex-fiance would find her 

Joel: And make her do all those dirty dishes she left behind ten
years ago.

*and make her be trapped in the palace with no adventure again.
*She soon got up and went above deck and saw that it was very
*early in the morning for the moon was still high in the sky 

Joel: Isn't it technically night then?

*and no sign of the sun about to rise there was still a few more
*hours of morning left. 

Joel: Yeah, ALL the hours of morning--it's the middle of the
night!

Crow: Maybe Egyptlogic thinks they're in Iceland, and the sun
doesn't rise until noon.

*She also saw Sinbad at the tiller.
*
**Great now he's going to worry about me,* she thought.

Crow: Why? Because she's up in the middle of the night?

*"Maeve what are you doing up so early," Sinbad asked.

Tom: [As Maeve] It was that cabbage we ate at dinner--kept me up.

*"Couldn't sleep," she said, not doing a very good job at lying.

Joel: Isn't that the truth though?  I thought she couldn't sleep.
Maybe I missed something.

Crow: Or maybe the writer is missing something.

Tom: Talent?

*"Why not," Sinbad asked.

Tom: Which is, as we all know, a question, not a statement.  

Crow: There's no point in worrying about that, Tom.  There's too
much other stuff in this story to worry about.

Tom: Such as incontinuity and lack of grammar?

*"Just thinking," she said, 

Crow: [As Sinbad] You know I hate it when you do that!

*trying to give a hint to him and he did.

Joel: Did what?

Tom: We'll never know.  With any luck.

*"If you need to talk to someone I'm here to listen," Sinbad
said.

Joel: As opposed to Doubar, who is probably snoring.

*"Thanks but not now," Maeve said.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~

*Later that day they arrived at the docks of Cagaria. And Sinbad
*saw Maeve become tense 

Tom: Past, present or future?

Joel: Knowing the author, it might be all three.

*when she saw it in the distance. He went up to her and said.

Crow: I hate it when he said.

Tom: Doesn't everybody?

*"Maeve are you all right," Sinbad asked.

Tom: [As Maeve] Yes...I just vant to be alone...

*"Yes, I'm fine," Maeve said.

Crow: Unfortunately.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~

Tom: What was the point of that whole scene?  It consisted of two
lines of dialogue and two lines of tildes...

Crow: Ahem.

Tom: [Rolling eyes] Sorry--"killer bees".

*They went to the tavern after selling there goods 

Joel: How could they have gone to the tavern afterwards if they
had sold the goods there?

*and started to relax a man looked like the former Queen 

Crow: Whoa! That's one homely Queen.

Tom: Or one pretty guy.

*then he saw her ring it was the ring of Cagaria. 

Joel: Whose ring? What? Why? How? When? Where?

Tom: Huh?

*The man ran off toward the palace to tell the prince that his
*princess is back.

Crow: Gotta love those possessive princes.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*The crew was having a great time laughing, telling jokes, and
*playing games. That is until out of the blue someone said.

All: SAID WHAT?!

*"Well my princess bride, welcome home, dear," Maeve went wide
*eyed 

Tom: Possibly a mis-spelling of "wall-eyed".

*and immediately turned and found her former fiance starring at
*her.

Joel: Guess who!

*"Oh, you look better than you did 10 years ago, 

Joel: [as Maeve] I use Oil Of Olay!

*so tell me why is a pretty princess like you doing with a group
*of sailors when you could be with me," The prince said.

Tom: [As Maeve] Because they're more fun than you are, you
worthless scummy useless bastard!

*"Oh, shut up Krychek 

All: KRYCHEK?!?

Joel: Oh no, it's an X-files cross-over!

Tom: I KNEW he was useless, but I didn't think THIS much!

*I told you I wasn't going to marry you, I wasn't going to be
*locked up and in that dreadful castle like you had me," Maeve
*said.

Crow: I thought it was her mother who locked her up?

*"Oh still want your freedom huh well you will never get it,"

Tom: Trade your freedom for a few commas.

*Krychek said and tried to grab her arm but she dodged him and
*kicked him in the stomach. The prince bent down in pain.

Joel: Those wimpy princes.  Can't take a kick to the stomach.

Crow: And you could? Don't make me laugh...

Joel: Ever heard the expression "stomach of steel"?

Crow: Yeah, Superman's.  The expression that applies to you is 
"head of wood"!
 
*"Get her," Krychek said between the pain. And the guards behind
*him went towards her. 

Tom: As opposed to sideways and up the walls.

*The crew were up in seconds and was fighting the guards. 

Crow: They're both plural and singular, simultaneously!

*They fought all they had but there were still to many guards.

Joel: "Fought all they had"?  What does that mean, exactly?

Tom: Who knows.  Not any of us.

*Within minutes the crew was surrounded by soldiers and the crew
*was forced to throw down there weapons.

Joel: Down where?

Crow: Where the sun don't shine...

*"Take them to the dungeon including the princess," Krychek said
*nodding his head toward the crew. "And make sure you put
*shackles on her."

Crow: Hey! I didn't know this was going to be a bondage fic!

Joel: Crow...

*"Yes sir, let's go," a guard said.
*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*
*In the dungeons Maeve was trying to get her hands free from the
*shackles, her wrists red from them being so tight. She tried
*every magic spell she knew but it didn't work. 

Joel: But doesn't she have spells specifically for lock-breaking?
I'm sure I've seen her use one.

Crow: She's conveniently forgotten.

*Then she remembered what her father taught her when she was a 
*child. 

Tom: Always keep your room clean, and eat your vegetables.

*She reached and took off her boots. 

Crow: [As the other prisoners] No! Maeve! Don't do it! We're in a
small, air-tight cell!

*"What are you doing?" Firouz asked.

Tom: [As Firouz] You'll kill us all!

*"Getting my lock pick," Maeve said.

Tom&Crow: [As prisoners] Whew.  That means she'll be putting them
back on!

*"You have a lock pick?" Doubar said out of shock.

Joel: [As Maeve] Of course not, I only said that to fool you!

*Maeve pulled the pick out and showed it to them then started to
*work on her shackles within minutes she got free and started to
*rub her wrists.

Crow: Holy One Huge Long Unpunctuated Sentence!

*"What's this about you being a princess?" Firouz asked.

Joel: [As Firouz] What a hoot!

*"Yes guys I am a princess and if we don't get out of here soon
*I'll be queen and be stuck in this dreadful castle," Maeve said.

Crow: [As Maeve] Yeah, I'll be a rich, powerful Queen in control
of an entire kingdom.  Bummer!

*"How do we get out of here," Doubar asked.

Tom: I've often wondered that myself.

*"I don't know there aren't any passages in this castle that I
*know of," Maeve said. 

Joel: Don't halls count? Or are all the rooms in the castle
directly connected?

*"But I think I know another way," she said and went to the door

Crow: Using the door to get out! What brilliance!

*of the cell and pulled out her pick and after a few minutes it
*was unlocked.

Tom: It would have been *unlocked* faster if she'd blasted it
with fireballs, but Oh Well.  I won't mention that.

Crow: It's a good thing you didn't, or I might have to mention
that she is apparently about to leave without unlocking anyone
else.

*"Where did you learn to pick locks, Maeve," Doubar asked.

Joel: Miss Brody's School For Young Ladies.

*"My father taught me when I was a child, he said that it might
*come in handy someday," Maeve said.

Tom: Is this the same father that allowed her to be married
against her will to a wimp from the X-Files?

*"Alright do you know where they put our swords?" Sinbad asked.

Joel: [As Sinbad] We'd like to use them after you undo our hands
from these shackles.

*"Yes I think I do," Maeve said.

Crow: [As Maeve] But then, I could be wrong.

*"Let's go then," Sinbad said walking behind Maeve.

Tom: Excuse me! He's STILL CHAINED UP!

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*"Go get my bride to be and tie her hands when you get her,"
*Krychek said.

Crow: He has a big fetish for ropes, doesn't he?

Joel: Crow...I think you're right.

Crow: This is a first!

*"Yes your highness,"

Tom: Said the disembodied voice.

*Down in the dungeon Maeve was working on the last door out. 

Joel: I thought she unlocked the door.

*She found their swords locked up in a closet. 

Crow: [As Doubar] This isn't my sword, it's a broom!

*She was having trouble with the last door though. 

Tom: How was it different?

*All the sudden the door burst open and seven guards walked in

Joel: Maeve was smashed against the wall when they opened the
door...

*and pushed the crew to the ground and took their weapons they
*took the men and locked them up. 

Crow: [As Sinbad] Aww, foiled again! Curses!

*They then tied up Maeve's hands and took her to the prince.
*
*"Well we are going to discuss our big wedding thats going to
*take place tomorrow. No since in waiting," Krychek said.

Joel: What? "No since in waiting"?  Maybe English isn't
Egyptlogic's first language.

Tom: You mean she learned it by mail-in lessons?

Crow: That explains SO much.

*"I'll never marry you," Maeve said glaring at him.

Joel: I feel a strange sense of deja vu.

Tom: Well that's nothing: I feel a strange sense of deja vu. 

*"Oh, you gotten quite a spirit since you left, we're going to
*have to work on that won't we," Krychek said.

Crow: We're also going to have to work on your people skills,
Krychek.  First you try to blow up Mulder, now you act like a
villain from a corny badly written fanfic.  It's not a good
pattern forming.

Tom: Not to mention he should have been able to notice Maeve's
"spirit" before she ran away.

*"You wish," Maeve said.

Joel: I wish I may, I wish I might: finish reading this fanfic
really soon and go home.

*"I will then it will become a reality," Krychek said.

Joel: Woohoo! Home, here we come!

*"Why don't you just jump off the west wings tower no one will
*miss you at all," Maeve said between clutched teeth.

Crow: Speaking of people skills...

*"Why you cursed swine!" Krychek said and smacked her across the
*face and hitting her eye the hardest. 

Tom: AHHH! ABUSE! ABUSE! THIS FIC SANCTIONS ABUSE!

Crow: Actually, I think it DOESN'T, 'cause he's the villain.

Tom: Okay then.  Still, the author should have put in a warning
at the beginning.

Crow: She did.  We shot it down.

Tom: Oh yeah...

*"Don't you ever talk to me like that!"

Joel: The disembodied voice speaks again!

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*The door to the cell opened and Maeve was pushed inside. Sinbad
*saw her first and saw her clutch her left eye.

Crow: Doctor, doctor, every time I drink my morning coffee, I get
a stabbing pain in my right eye!

Tom: Then take out the spoon first! Ha! Ha!

*"Maeve you alright," Sinbad asked as he went to her.

Joel: [As Maeve] Yeah, me alright.  How you?

*"I'm fine," she said still clutching her eye.

Tom: I'm fine, really! I have a limp and I'm missing an arm, but
I'll be okay!

Crow: It's just a flesh wound!

*"Move your hand, Maeve," Sinbad said as he put his hand on her
*left arm. Slowly she moved her eye and small cut and a very red
*eye. "By Allah, Firouz come here," Sinbad said.

Crow: Good God, she has a bruise! No! Say it ain't so!

Tom: How did she get a cut if he slapped her?

Crow: Maybe he's not just into bondage....

Joel: Crow...

*"What?! Maeve what happened," Firouz asked.

Tom: He's got the question mark in the wrong place!

Crow: At least he's got one.

*"He hit me," she said.

Joel: Really? We thought you were attacked by rabid voles.

*"Come sit over here while I treat your eye," Firouz said.

Crow: Firouz just happens to have a Band-Aid with him.

*"That no good son of a jackle," 

Joel: Like hackle, but Mexican.

*Doubar said. "What did he say?"

Crow: [As Maeve] He said that you're the fattest guy he's ever
seen, Doubar.

Tom: [As Doubar] I'll kill him!

*"He said he and I are going to get married tomorrow, but he's
*not going to get me to say yes so easily," Maeve said 

Crow: Why doesn't she just refuse to say "yes" at all, and avoid
the whole thing?

Tom: Because Maeve's not the swiftest bunny in the forest?

*flinching as Firouz was treating her eye wound.

Joel: [As Maeve] Careful with that band-aid--you're getting the
adhesive in my eye!

*"Did he say anything else?" Sinbad asked.

Tom: [As Sinbad] Such as whether or not he likes my pants?

*"No," Maeve said.

Tom: [As Sinbad] He doesn't like my pants?! I'll kill him!

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*"Go make sure they are locked up well, then bring her back here
*no matter what you have to do to bring her here.

Crow: Yes, Oh Disembodied Voice, our Lord and Master!

*"Yes sir," The Guard said.

Tom: All Hail the Voice!

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*"There going to be back soon, we need a plan," Sinbad said.

Joel: You know, a plan might be helpful.

*"True but we need one fast," Firouz said.

Tom: That sentence was entirely redundant!  As if Sinbad didn't
know they needed a fast plan.

*"I have an idea," Maeve said.

Crow: Her first ever!

*"What is it?" Doubar asked.
*
*"Ok if he still a guard here we might have a chance," Maeve
*said.

Tom: That clears THAT up.

*"Maeve who?" Firouz asked.

Joel: [As Firouz] I have no idea who this Maeve person is!

*"Huh, oh I have a friend who is a guard if he still is one he
*might be able to help us," Maeve said but was silenced when she
*heard the cell door being unlocked and a guard walked in.

Joel: The fact she's not talking any more only makes her more
comprehensible.

*"You princess come with me," the guard said.

Crow: Uh...no?

*Maeve saw the crew about ready to attack when she told them to
*stop.
*
*"It would be easier to just go along with things," she said

Tom: Does this sound like Maeve at all?

Crow: Oh NO! She's an alien clone!

*then winked at them and they knew what she meant and she walked
*out with the guard.

Joel: Ohhh, it was a ruse.

Crow: This is reminding me more and more of Mentos commercial.

Tom: Mentos--The Fresh Maker.

Crow: I hate those commercials.

Tom: So do I.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~
*"Well looks like your quiet, anyway everything is taken care of

Tom: Her quiet what?!

Crow: Her quiet, anyway.

Tom: Oh.

*the only thing left is for you to try on your wedding dress,"
*Krychek said holding up a long white gown.

Joel: Are you sure she should be wearing *white*?

Crow: Joel....

*"Fine," Maeve said and took the dress out of his hands and
*headed toward her old bedroom.

*"I want t see you in it so come out here with it on," Krychek
*said.

Tom: I bet that's not ALL he wants to see her in!

Joel: Crow...

Crow: I didn't do anything! It was HIM!

Joel: Sorry.  Tom...
 
*"Is Gizer still a guard here," Maeve said turning around looking
*at him.

Tom: How can she turn around to see him if she's in the other
room?

Crow: X-ray goggles?

*"Why yes he guards the dungeon cells every night," Krychek said.
*"Why?"

Joel: [As Maeve] Ummm, no reason.

*"Just wondering," Maeve said and went to try the gown on.

Crow: Did she close the door?

Joel: Crow...

Crow: I was just wondering!

Joel: We know that! Now stop it!

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~

*ABOUT AN HOUR LATER...

Crow: I wish time went by as fast for us reading this fanfic,
then for the people in it.

*"Maeve did you find him," Doubar asked.

Joel: [As Maeve] More importantly, Doubar, how did you get into
my dressing room?

*"Not yet but he is going to be standing guard right outside the
*door tonight," Maeve said.

Tom: If, of course, Maeve can *trust* Krychek.

Joel: She should really *trust no one*.

*"Good how long till sunset?" Firouz asked 

Crow: [As Maeve] Do I look like I have a watch?

*"About an hour maybe two," Maeve said.
*
*About two and a half hours later...

Tom: She was WAY off.

*The cell door unlocked and walked in a guard with brown hair
*with a little gray and green eyes.

Joel: What? He only has a little gray and green eye?

Tom: He's a Cyclops!

Crow: And I'm a Wolverine! Bub!

*"Gizer," Maeve said loud enough to hear and hugged him.

Tom: What was the point of saying "loud enough to hear" if he
knows she's there because she hugged him?

Joel: Ah, Egyptlogic, Queen Of Redundancy!

Crow: SHE should be locked up in the castle.

*"Maeve not now we need to get you out of here," Gizer said.

Joel: Why is he called "Gizer" if he's an old man?  Isn't that
kinda mean?

Tom: So she discriminates against old people.  She also
discriminates against: women, men, corny villains, hawks, mute
Moors, swashbucklers, geeks--

Crow: Basically anybody who's appeared in her fanfic. 

Tom: Pretty much.

*"Let's go then," Maeve said.
*
*"There is a secret passage on the other side of the dungeon,"

Joel: I thought there were no passages?

Tom: Maeve didn't KNOW of any.  There's a difference.

Joel: She's pretty useless, isn't she?

Tom: It seems to be a running theme.

*Gizer said. "Follow me," and the crew followed him through to
*the other side.

Crow: The Far Side?

Tom: Should Gary Larson be getting royalties?

*They soon came to the passage and Gizer gave Maeve a torch and
*quick instructions on how to get through the passage 

Joel: [As Gizer] First, you walk down this passage.  Then, you
open the door.  Any questions? Want me to go slower this time?

*and wished them luck. 

Crow: They're going to need it!

Tom: We need it too, to get through this fanfic.

Crow: Not even LUCK will help us now!

*"Gizer come with us if Krychek found out you helped me escaped
*than he will kill you," Maeve said.

Joel: You should be put to death merely for attempting to use
four different tenses, and improper use of the word "than".

Crow: Guilty! Guilty! Off with her head!

*"No he won't know, 

Tom: The Disembodied Voice Knows ALL!

*besides I can't leave this place it's home for me," Gizer said.

Crow: What's your point?

*"Go ahead I'll be fine,"

Joel: Until Krychek kills me, of course.

*"See you later my friend," Maeve said and gave him a quick hug

Tom: She likes hugging him, doesn't she?

*than disappeared through the passage with the others behind her.

Joel: Again, improper use of the word "than".  You will be fined
300 years hard labour.

Crow: Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred.

*"Hope I will see you again," Gizer said below his breath 

Tom: How can you say something "below your breath"? Don't you
need your breath to speak?

Crow: Gizer's talented.

*and went back to his spot and knocked himself out.

All: ?

Joel: How do you do THAT?

Crow: Read this fanfic, then knock your head against the wall a
few times.

*The next morning he woke up when the prince poured water on his
*face. 

Tom: We're hoping it was water...

Joel: Tom...

*And found the prince glaring at him.

Crow: What did he expect? Kindly concern? Out of KRYCHEK?

*"Where are they?" Krychek said.

Tom: [faints] 

Joel: My God!  A question mark, in the proper place at the end of
a question? What is the world coming to? Our entire sense of
reality is unravelling...

Crow: Without reality to bother us, maybe we'll understand the
story a bit more.

*"I don't know," Gizer said.

Tom: [recovering from faint] That's obvious.

Joel: Glad to have you back, Tom.

*"Alright you three look through the dungeon 

Crow: That's brilliant, Krychek.  Look through the dungeon after
the jailbreak.

Joel: Ideas like that are why the pay him the big money.

*the rest of you split yourselves up and look through the palace
*and village find them and then you will get party's on me for
*two weeks," Krychek said.

Crow: I'd like to party of Krychek.  Preferably on his head.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*~~~~~~~

Crow: The bees have returned! Run for the hills!

Tom: Just when we thought we were safe...

*"OK GET MOVING!! RAISE THE SAIL!! PULL UP ANKER!!," 

Joel: Get that Anker right up!

Tom: Isn't an anker a kind of foot wart?

*Sinbad yelled at the crew.

Crow: That's not very nice.

*Soon they were safely at sea and the crew was eating below deck.

Tom: Mmm, below deck.  My favourite kind of sandwich.

*"Maeve how about we crown you princess of the sea," Doubar said.

Tom: Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, Doubar, you're such a WIT.

Crow: He's the wicked wit of the west!

Joel: Quick, Doubar, run away before someone drops a house on you
too!

*"Don't you dare come near me with one of those things they are
*heavier than they look," Maeve said.

Crow: Being made of gold, that's safe to assume.

*"You HAVE worn a crown then," Firouz said.

Joel: DUH.

*"Yes and everytime I did I got a dreadful headache," Maeve said.

Tom: That's because of her big head. The crowns only came in 
petite.

*"Are you ever going to go back there Maeve," Doubar asked.

Crow: [As Maeve] Only if you use a question mark in your life-
time.

*"I hope so but not immediatly," Maeve said.

Crow: Need I say more?

*"You did the right thing you know," Firouz said.

Joel: What's that? Caused her best friend to be beheaded for
dereliction of duty?

Crow: Turned down a kingdom full of riches and power, with a wuss
for a husband?

*"And whats that," Maeve asked.

Tom: I think we ran through it already.

*"You followed your heart not your brain," Firouz said.

Joel: And this is coming from FIROUZ?

Tom: Don't ask.  It's easier to live in ignorance.

*"Yeah I guess," Maeve said.
*
*Then Rongar 

Tom: Rongar! He's shown up at last!

Crow: At the end of the story.

Tom: At least we're at the end.

Crow: Good point.  Yay Rongar!

*came down and signaled the others to follow him. He took them
*above deck and pointed toward the sunset where a pod of Orca
*Whales boucing in and out of the sea.

Joel: I guess they must really be in Iceland--unless you find
Killer whales in the Mediterranean.

Tom: Even then, it's hard to find boucing ones.

*"Wow look at that," Firouz said.

Crow: A pod of way-off-course boucing whales!

*"It's amazing how beautiful animals can live in a whole new
*world below us," Doubar said.

Joel: Just like the spiny urchins, and sharks, and jellyfish.

Crow: Not to mention slime.

Joel: So many, many kinds of slime!

*"Indeed Doubar, Indeed," Sinbad said as they sailed away from
*the sunset and the whales...
*
*THE END...

All: HOORAY!!!

Crow: I hope we NEVER have to sit through another Egyptlogic
story AGAIN!

Tom: Hopefully, she'll have gotten C&C by now, and either
improved, or deleted her word-processing program.

Crow: Maybe she should burn her computer to be sure.

Joel: Come on, guys, it's not that bad.  I mean, it was badly
punctuated and the grammar was--flexible, but still.  She batted
around a few good ideas.

Crow: And struck out with all of the them!

Joel: Come on...

Crow: No, Joel.  There's no way you can get us to admit those
stories had any worth, except as kindling.

Joel: You can be so harsh.

Crow: It's a harsh world, Joel...

The REAL end.