This is a MSTing courtesy of Saf&Dy Productions. You know, all the stuff about copyright, yadda yadda, nobody reads this anyway, so skip right over to: *Why Me? Crow: Why me indeed? I often wondered this. *By Rcash1 (was known as Egyptlogic) Tom: NO! Wasn't "the Sorceress" enough punishment from Egyptlogic? Why is she continuing her reign of terror? Joel: Her reign of "teroor"? Ha hahaha... Tom: Yeah, whatever, Joel. Don't quit your day job. Joel: This is my day job! Tom: In that case, you're fired. *This story takes place after Meave has fallen over board and *before Bryn has become a member of the crew. Crow: But didn't all that happen in the same episode? Does this story take place during a commercial? *I know it doesn't go along with the show but for this story *let's just say they haven't meet Bryn yet. Joel: Oh, I see. You want us to turn the other way, pretend that a huge continuity mistake isn't being made? Tom: And she didn't even offer us a bribe! Crow: Deal's off, sister! *The sun was high but the morning went slow for Sinbad Crow: While he was waiting for the gel in his hair to harden... *since he had a dream Joel: [Singing] I had a dream... *the a teenage girl is being harassed and chased by a group of *boys. Tom: He's reminiscing. Joel: About being a teenage girl being harassed by boys? Tom: That's not what I meant, but I have to admit it's a funny picture. *He had a feeling that it was real and felt that the girl was *someone he knew but couldn't put his foot on it. Crow: Couldn't put his foot on it? Is that a real metaphor? Joel: We all know Egyptlogic's great ability to fool around with the english language. *He has been having these dreams lately Tom: He shouldn't eat that rhubarb before bedtime. *and he'd been trying to help the girl but he can't which worried *him all the more. Joel: He's losing his talent for saving damsels in distress! Tom: Note "talent" [loose term] is singular. *Doubar was worried about his little brother he has been quiet *since morning which wasn't like him. Crow: Whoa! Holy Long Run On Sentence, Batman! Tom: I wonder if Egyptlogic ever got help for her problem with commas. I see her difficulty with sentence clauses is still there. Joel: [Singing] Santa Clause is coming...to town. Tom: We can only hope. Crow: All she wants for Christmas is some commas. *Doubar finally went up to him. Crow: [As Doubar] Dammit, Sinbad, it has to come out in the open now: I have always resented the fact that you get to wear tighter pants than me! *"Sinbad you alright," Doubar asked. Tom: [As Sinbad] Yes, me alright. *"I'm fine why," Sinbad asked. Joel: Why, because I want to know! Tom: Why his punctuation is screwed up? Crow: But at least it's there. Be thankful for small favours. *"You've been day dreaming all day that's not like you," Doubar *said. Joel: [As Doubar] Normally you just talk about serious stuff. Like accounting. *"I'm just thinking," Sinbad said. Crow: You know I hate it when you do that! *"About what," Doubar asked. Tom: It's a QUESTION, DAMMIT! USE a QUESTION MARK! Crow: No need to scream. Geez. *"A dream that I've had," Sinbad said. Joel: I dreamt a dream tonight. Tom: And so did I. Joel: Well, what was yours? Tom: That dreamers often lie. Crow: There you go, kids! Your culture for the day. Now let's keep the culture where it belongs. Far, FAAAR away from this fanfic. *"Must have been some dream then," Doubar said. All: DUH! * "Well it looked real and seemed real," Sinbad said. Crow: Unlike this crummy show and even crummier fanfic. *"Maybe you should talk about it to Firouz he might be able to *help you," Doubar said. Tom: How? By coming up with the fourth century version of Prozac? Joel: Ah, Firouz. What will he think of next? *"I'll do that," Sinbad said. "Would you mind taking the tiller *while I talk to him." Tom: AHHHHHH!!! Joel: Calm down...it could be worse. Tom: I don't see how. Joel: She could resort to her old habit of using all run-on sentences that go on and on without any regard for sentence structure or format because she doesn't need commas hell no she gets along fine without-- Tom: All right! All right! I give in! *"Sure," Doubar said. *^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ *^^^^^^^ Joel: [Singing] sailing, sailing, over the waves we go. Crow: In her last fanfic, she used little snowflakes. Now it's waves. Is there a pattern forming? Tom: I hope not. Remember what happened with the blizzards? Crow: Ugh--how me forget? *"When did the dreams start?" Firouz said. Joel: [As Sinbad] After I fell asleep. *"Well it started after Meave left," Sinbad said. Tom: I took a nap that afternoon. *"Tell me what your dreams are about," Firouz said. * *"It's always the same there's a young teenage girl she is being *harassed by a group of boys Crow: Ah, the halcyon days of youth. *and they chase her till she is safe at home, but they do it *everyday and she tells her mother Tom: Tattle tale! Crow: Stool pigeon! Rat fink! *but she can't do anything about it cause she is a woman. Her dad *won't do anything because he just doesn't care. Joel: Wow. Her mother's useless, and her father's apathetic about his daughter getting beaten up everyday. Nice family. Crow: What exactly is stopping the mother? If my daughter was being harassed by boys, I wouldn't hesitate to beat the snot out of them. Joel: But if the mother did beat the snot out of the boys, we wouldn't have a plot, and this story would be even MORE boring and pointless! Crow: No! No! That's impossible! *That's about it she walks home with her twin sister but the boys *don't go after her and don't do anything to her," Sinbad said. Tom: Wait a minute...the boys don't harass her twin sister?! I didn't realise obnoxious boys were so picky. *"The poor girl," Firouz said. "How real does it seem?" Crow: [as Firouz] Is it as unbelievable as this fanfic? *"Like I'm right there," Sinbad said. Tom: I wish I wasn't. *"What does she look like?" Firouz asked. Crow: Heh heh...what's she wearing? heh heh heh... *"She has red hair like Meave only it is a little lighter and *brown eyes like Meave and her hair is very long," Sinbad said. Joel: In other words: she looks like Maeve. Tom: Didn't Maeve have green eyes? Crow: That's MAEVE. This is Meave. Note the brilliance with which the author got around trademarked characters. Tom: Or perhaps it was just a spelling mistake. Crow: It could be that, yes. *"So your saying she looks just like Meave only younger," Firouz *said. Joel: [clapping] Good for you, Firouz, we knew you'd figure it out! *"Yes basically," Sinbad said. Crow: Then why didn't he just say that?! Tom: To torture us by making the fanfic longer. Crow: How diabolical. *"I'm not going to say it's Meave because if it is real there is *other people out there that have red hair and brown eyes," *Firouz said. Joel: Wow, he's really perceptive today. *"Do you remember any names?" Crow: Or phone numbers...? *"No I didn't hear any yelling the only time I hear any talking *are when she is talking to her parents," Sinbad said. Tom: And as we all know, parents never address their children by name. *"Ok if you have a dream tonight tell me tomorrow the whole *thing," Firouz said. Crow: Is there anything else to tell? Besides phone numbers? *"Alright I'll do that," Sinbad said. * *^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ *^^^^^^^ Joel: [singing] Ba dum...Ba dum...BA dum ba dum ba dum BADUMBADUMBADUM.... *LATER THAT NIGHT... * *The scenery is the same as always so beautiful Tom: Oh NO! It's STARTED! Joel&Crow: What's stared?! Tom: THE RUN-ON SENTENCES! Joel: Just when we thought we were safe! Crow: Run for the hills! *until screaming was heard and a few minutes later a young *teenager was running for her life with four guys running after *her. Crow: Ick--BOYS. *She ran and ran and ran Tom: And huffed and puffed... *until she saw a strong walled cottage ran in and shut and locked *the door behind then sat in front of the door panting for air. Tom: AHHHHH! Crow: This is not happening. This is not happening. The punctuation will appear. The punctuation will appear.... *Then there was pounding and knocking against the door Joel: [cackling] I'll get you, my pretty! *behind her. She backed away from the door and headed upstairs *and found her mother in the hall and said. Tom: And said what? Don't keep us in suspense! *"Can't you do anything about Christoh and his friends, I'm *getting sick of them," the girl said. Tom: That wasn't worth all the suspense. Crow: She's getting sick of the boys running after her and beating her up, huh? Joel: Before she was only mildly annoyed. *"I would if I could honey but I'm a woman Tom: ! Crow: Women's Lib she ain't! *and I've tried but the men won't listen," Joel: [as the mother] Men! They're all BASTARDS! *Her mother said. "Talk to your father." Crow: Isn't her father a man, and therefore useless? Joel: Hey! Crow: I meant from the way Egyptlogic was referring to them! Joel: Okay then. *"I have, he doesn't care one way or the other," she said. Tom: [as Maeve] All he does is sit there and watch football! *"Meave, honey I'll talk to him later but don't to excited Joel: God forbid that Maeve to excited. Crow: Amen. *about it since he probably won't do anything," Her mother said. Crow: I told you! Useless! Tom: [as Mother] I should have listened to my mother! *"Thanks mom," Meave said and went to the room she and her twin *Maura shared. Joel: Maeve and Maura. How...unoriginal. *"Did they chase you again Meave," Maura asked. Crow: [As Maeve] No, they just took me out to the movies and coffee afterwards. *"Yes and I'm getting sick of them," Meave said. * *"Aren't you scared of them," Maura asked. Tom: [As Maeve] Of those little twerps? No way! I could take 'em--hey! Why don't I? Crow: Because you take after your parents and are completely useless? *"A little but I'm starting to get used to them," Meave said. Joel: It's just so routine, now. *^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ *^^^^^^^ Crow: Oh no! The waves are coming over the bow! Ack! I've fallen over-- Tom: Bot overboard! Bot overboard! Crow: Glub! Glub! Tom: I'm not doing mouth to mouth. *Sinbad awoke that morning with the sun on his face at least he *thought it was Tom: No! It's started again! Save me! *until he opened his eyes to see a ghost Joel: Christmas Past, Present or Future? *but she looked like the mother in his dream, then she spoke. Crow: [As the ghost] Hey! Sinbad! You pervert! Stop watching my daughter in dreams! *"Yes I'm Meave's mother, she was the one being harassed. All: DUH! Joel: We didn't see that coming at all! *I've spoken to my husband he won't do anything to help her Tom: Useless! *so I've came to ask you to help her," She said. Crow: We're hoping you might be a little less useless. *"I will but how did you get here," Sinbad said getting up. * *"Meave doesn't know this but I know magic that can take me to *the past and future, my name is Rose," she said. Crow: [As Sinbad] I didn't ask your name, but thanks--say, speaking of the future, are you busy tonight? *"Alright let me go and tell Doubar and I'll be right with you," *Sinbad said. Joel: [As Sinbad] Just so he doesn't worry that I've gone off with some floozy that I met ten minutes ago--hey, wait a minute! *"There is no time we have to leave now or it will be to late," *Rose said. Tom: Too late for what? If this chick can go anywhere in time, why can't she wait for Sinbad to tell Doubar? Joel: You're pointing out a continuity error, and we know how *useless* that is... *"Let's go then," Sinbad said. * *^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ *^^^^^^^ Crow: The waves are too high! We're going down! We're going down! Tom: Abandon fanfic! Abandon fanfic! *"What exactly do I have to do?" Sinbad said. Joel: [As Sinbad] Can you run through the instructions again? I missed that last bit. *"Just get the guys to leave my little girl alone, I don't care *what you have to do just get them away from my two girls," Rose *said. Crow: I thought the boys were only chasing Maeve and NOT her sister? Joel: The boys are a bit less *discriminating* now. *"Why doesn't your husband do anything to help his own daughter," *Sinbad said. Joel: One, two...three! Tom&Crow: HE'S USELESS! Joel: Well done. *"He thinks sticking up for woman is a waste of time," Rose said. Joel: I think sticking up for those three would be waste of time, too. *"They should be coming anytime... there they are go get them." Tom: [As Sinbad] I can see that, foolish woman! *"Yes, ma'am," Sinbad said and ran toward the guys who have been *chasing Meave. Crow: I thought they were boys? Tom: In between the dream sequence and now, ten years have gone by. At least, that's what it feels like, reading this fanfic. *He soon caught up to them and tripped two guys then hit them in *the head knocking them out. Joel: Such finesse. *He ran to the next closets and pushed them in a tree. Crow: Crummy wardrobes! Take THAT! *Finally he got the one named Christoh Tom: How did he know his name? Joel: Christoh was wearing a "HELLO I'M _____" name-tag. *and knocked him down and pulled a dagger to his throat and said: *"Don't you ever chase or harass anymore woman or else you will Crow: Be condemned to talk with bad grammar forever! Also, you will never use a comma properly again! HAHAHA! Tom: That's way harsh, Crow. *have to answer to me," Sinbad said and gave him a cold stare. *Reluctantly the boy nodded and when he was let go he ran toward *the woods. Joel: That's what we should have done, when we saw Egyptlogic's name on top. *Sinbad turned to see if Meave was alright and found her standing *not far from him and said. Tom: Said nothing, hopefully. *"Thank you so much," she said giving him a smile. Crow: I wonder how she's going to repay him... Joel: Crow.... *"No trouble glad to help out," Sinbad said. "See you later," and *was gone. All: HOORAY!!! *The end... All: HOORAY AGAIN!!!! Crow: Ugh. Remind me never to sit through another one of Egyptlogic's confusing, badly punctuated melodramas again. Joel: Actually, Crow, we've got another one coming up... Crow: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Joel: Yes...unfortunately... *This My Life Crow: ...And it sucks. *By Egyptlogic Tom: NO! NOT AGAIN! *Hey people this is another one of my stories Joel: Unfortunately for us. *...hey I'm on a role so lay off me. Tom: No way. You write bad fanfics, you're open season. *:-P Crow: Oh, look. She included a self-portrait! *Ok right now I'm typing all of my Maeve stories done Joel: I wish I was reading them done. *and those of you who like the Bryn stories well I start writing *them soon Crow: Whoa--what tense is that?! Joel: An imaginary one. *and I'll still be writing Maeve stories to so calm down, don't *helucinate on me know. Tom: Whaa....? Can ANYBODY decipher that? Joel: Eygptlogicese is a notoriously difficult language. Only one person can speak it. *In this story let's just say there is no Dermott and if you *can't stand reading a story without the little hawk then you *better read a different story. Crow: Let's take her advice and read something different, please, Joel? Tom: The last story didn't have Dermott OR Rongar. Why is she bothering to point it out in this one? *Rating: This story is rated PG I guess. Joel: I would rate this story CS. Tom: For? Joel: Completely Stupid. Crow: That's not what I thought you meant, but I guess it works too. *Summary: Can't tell ya you will just have to read to find out *won't ya. Crow: [Monotone] Oh no. Don't leave us in suspense. *:P Tom: Hey! Another portrait! *Don't give that sour look just read it if you want to. Joel: But we don't want to. Crow: So we get to give you all the sour looks we want! *Disclamiers: Ok you all know this the people in this story don't *belong to me Atlantis owns them and don't try to sue me you *won't get much... Joel: Not even one comma. *AND DON'T FORGET TO SEND ME FEEDBACK OR ESLE I WON'T WRITE *ANYMORE STORIES CAUSE I WON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED TO IMPROVE ON... Crow: So..many..insults...can't say...all of them...at once...argh... Joel: I wonder how she's take it to find out she'd been MSTed? Tom: She should take it well...it means that SOMEBODY bothered to read her stories. *This story is for my friend who has been there for me through *the years Joel: Nice way of saying thanks! "Hey, you're my best friend, I wrote this crummy fanfic for you!" *and she wanted me to write this. Crow: I bet she regrets it now. *( Let's just say she gave a small topic ad she wanted me to make *a story from it.) Tom: A story from an ad? I wonder how that would read... Crow: "One swashbuckling sea captain seeks red-haired female in skimpy low-cut leather for long voyage. Must like being on a smelly ship full of smellier men. For details, phone 1-900-ON NOMAD". *Okay I get the point. Tom: That's first. She must have heard you, Crow. Crow: Hear this: YOUR FANFICS ARE CRUMMY, CONFUSING AND BADLY PUNCTUATED! *Lights.... camera..... read..... Joel: Oh god, that was just the foreword? We're doomed! Doomed! Tom: Lights...camera...run away... *10 YEARS AGO.... * *"Mom I don't love him why do I have to marry him," a young woman *said. Crow: [As mother] Because I said so, that's why! *"Maeve you have to marry him for your country, we need you to be *queen when I'm gone," The queen said. Tom: She can't be Queen without being married? *"Then let me go out for adventure before I marry, let me see the *world outside the palace walls, let me have fun before I'm stuck *in this dreadful castle for the rest of my life," Maeve said. Joel: [as the mother] Look, hun, if I had to stay in this boring castle all my life, YOU do too. Tom: Besides, if she's Queen, she can just leave anyway. Crow: Maybe she's going to marry someone *useless* who doesn't let his womenfolk do anything. Tom: Oh God, not another one! *"Sorry Maeve we can't do that your wedding is tomorrow Crow: Just in case you might have forgotten. *and you are getting married and that's that," The queen said and *left before the arguing could continue. Joel: [As Maeve] Aww, nuts! *"We'll see about that," Maeve said and went off toward her room. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ Crow: What the hell are those?! Tom: Tildes. A Spanish accent. Crow: I KNOW they're tildes, I meant what are they in terms of hilarious running gags that we could do? Snowflakes, waves-- Joel: Oh no, not ANOTHER running gag. Crow: I got it! Killer bees! Joel&Tom: Sigh. *LATER THAT NIGHT.... *Maeve dressed in black climbed out her window into the palace Crow: Doesn't she want to LEAVE the palace? *courtyard and ran to the tall apple tree she climbed it and *jumped over the castle wall without getting caught by any *soldiers. Joel: That's a pretty high jump. I don't think Xena or even Sailor Jupiter could beat that... *In the morning she met a sailor Crow: Woohoo! Go Maeve! Just out of the castle and already picking up sailors! Joel: Crow... *who would take her to Baghdad if she gave him Crow: ...*Waiting expectantly*.... *two of her three rings. Crow: What a let down. *Within a week she was walking the streets of Baghdad and she *soon meet an old man by the name of Dim Dim. Tom: So the sailor wasn't enough, huh? *Dim Dim was nice enough to bring her in and offered to teach her *white magic which she agreed to. Joel: [As Maeve] Free food, free housing, and all I gotta do is learn butt-kicking magic? What's the catch? *After a few years she was finally able to bring her magic to the *surface Crow: Was it drowning? *when she was able to do magic she and Dim Dim moved to the Isle *of Dawn where she meet Sinbad later on. Tom: She meet Sinbad, huh? Wow. Two tenses in one go. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *Maeve woke up and began to think of her life. Joel: Mostly how boring it was. *She knew that they are heading toward Cagaria her home Tom: Wasn't Ireland her home, judging from her pseudo-irish accent in the first episode? Crow: Yeah, but that's the actual background. Was she a princess? No. Reality and Egyptlogic are not quite acquainted. *and she was worried her mother or ex-fiance would find her Joel: And make her do all those dirty dishes she left behind ten years ago. *and make her be trapped in the palace with no adventure again. *She soon got up and went above deck and saw that it was very *early in the morning for the moon was still high in the sky Joel: Isn't it technically night then? *and no sign of the sun about to rise there was still a few more *hours of morning left. Joel: Yeah, ALL the hours of morning--it's the middle of the night! Crow: Maybe Egyptlogic thinks they're in Iceland, and the sun doesn't rise until noon. *She also saw Sinbad at the tiller. * **Great now he's going to worry about me,* she thought. Crow: Why? Because she's up in the middle of the night? *"Maeve what are you doing up so early," Sinbad asked. Tom: [As Maeve] It was that cabbage we ate at dinner--kept me up. *"Couldn't sleep," she said, not doing a very good job at lying. Joel: Isn't that the truth though? I thought she couldn't sleep. Maybe I missed something. Crow: Or maybe the writer is missing something. Tom: Talent? *"Why not," Sinbad asked. Tom: Which is, as we all know, a question, not a statement. Crow: There's no point in worrying about that, Tom. There's too much other stuff in this story to worry about. Tom: Such as incontinuity and lack of grammar? *"Just thinking," she said, Crow: [As Sinbad] You know I hate it when you do that! *trying to give a hint to him and he did. Joel: Did what? Tom: We'll never know. With any luck. *"If you need to talk to someone I'm here to listen," Sinbad said. Joel: As opposed to Doubar, who is probably snoring. *"Thanks but not now," Maeve said. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~ *Later that day they arrived at the docks of Cagaria. And Sinbad *saw Maeve become tense Tom: Past, present or future? Joel: Knowing the author, it might be all three. *when she saw it in the distance. He went up to her and said. Crow: I hate it when he said. Tom: Doesn't everybody? *"Maeve are you all right," Sinbad asked. Tom: [As Maeve] Yes...I just vant to be alone... *"Yes, I'm fine," Maeve said. Crow: Unfortunately. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ Tom: What was the point of that whole scene? It consisted of two lines of dialogue and two lines of tildes... Crow: Ahem. Tom: [Rolling eyes] Sorry--"killer bees". *They went to the tavern after selling there goods Joel: How could they have gone to the tavern afterwards if they had sold the goods there? *and started to relax a man looked like the former Queen Crow: Whoa! That's one homely Queen. Tom: Or one pretty guy. *then he saw her ring it was the ring of Cagaria. Joel: Whose ring? What? Why? How? When? Where? Tom: Huh? *The man ran off toward the palace to tell the prince that his *princess is back. Crow: Gotta love those possessive princes. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *The crew was having a great time laughing, telling jokes, and *playing games. That is until out of the blue someone said. All: SAID WHAT?! *"Well my princess bride, welcome home, dear," Maeve went wide *eyed Tom: Possibly a mis-spelling of "wall-eyed". *and immediately turned and found her former fiance starring at *her. Joel: Guess who! *"Oh, you look better than you did 10 years ago, Joel: [as Maeve] I use Oil Of Olay! *so tell me why is a pretty princess like you doing with a group *of sailors when you could be with me," The prince said. Tom: [As Maeve] Because they're more fun than you are, you worthless scummy useless bastard! *"Oh, shut up Krychek All: KRYCHEK?!? Joel: Oh no, it's an X-files cross-over! Tom: I KNEW he was useless, but I didn't think THIS much! *I told you I wasn't going to marry you, I wasn't going to be *locked up and in that dreadful castle like you had me," Maeve *said. Crow: I thought it was her mother who locked her up? *"Oh still want your freedom huh well you will never get it," Tom: Trade your freedom for a few commas. *Krychek said and tried to grab her arm but she dodged him and *kicked him in the stomach. The prince bent down in pain. Joel: Those wimpy princes. Can't take a kick to the stomach. Crow: And you could? Don't make me laugh... Joel: Ever heard the expression "stomach of steel"? Crow: Yeah, Superman's. The expression that applies to you is "head of wood"! *"Get her," Krychek said between the pain. And the guards behind *him went towards her. Tom: As opposed to sideways and up the walls. *The crew were up in seconds and was fighting the guards. Crow: They're both plural and singular, simultaneously! *They fought all they had but there were still to many guards. Joel: "Fought all they had"? What does that mean, exactly? Tom: Who knows. Not any of us. *Within minutes the crew was surrounded by soldiers and the crew *was forced to throw down there weapons. Joel: Down where? Crow: Where the sun don't shine... *"Take them to the dungeon including the princess," Krychek said *nodding his head toward the crew. "And make sure you put *shackles on her." Crow: Hey! I didn't know this was going to be a bondage fic! Joel: Crow... *"Yes sir, let's go," a guard said. * *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ * *In the dungeons Maeve was trying to get her hands free from the *shackles, her wrists red from them being so tight. She tried *every magic spell she knew but it didn't work. Joel: But doesn't she have spells specifically for lock-breaking? I'm sure I've seen her use one. Crow: She's conveniently forgotten. *Then she remembered what her father taught her when she was a *child. Tom: Always keep your room clean, and eat your vegetables. *She reached and took off her boots. Crow: [As the other prisoners] No! Maeve! Don't do it! We're in a small, air-tight cell! *"What are you doing?" Firouz asked. Tom: [As Firouz] You'll kill us all! *"Getting my lock pick," Maeve said. Tom&Crow: [As prisoners] Whew. That means she'll be putting them back on! *"You have a lock pick?" Doubar said out of shock. Joel: [As Maeve] Of course not, I only said that to fool you! *Maeve pulled the pick out and showed it to them then started to *work on her shackles within minutes she got free and started to *rub her wrists. Crow: Holy One Huge Long Unpunctuated Sentence! *"What's this about you being a princess?" Firouz asked. Joel: [As Firouz] What a hoot! *"Yes guys I am a princess and if we don't get out of here soon *I'll be queen and be stuck in this dreadful castle," Maeve said. Crow: [As Maeve] Yeah, I'll be a rich, powerful Queen in control of an entire kingdom. Bummer! *"How do we get out of here," Doubar asked. Tom: I've often wondered that myself. *"I don't know there aren't any passages in this castle that I *know of," Maeve said. Joel: Don't halls count? Or are all the rooms in the castle directly connected? *"But I think I know another way," she said and went to the door Crow: Using the door to get out! What brilliance! *of the cell and pulled out her pick and after a few minutes it *was unlocked. Tom: It would have been *unlocked* faster if she'd blasted it with fireballs, but Oh Well. I won't mention that. Crow: It's a good thing you didn't, or I might have to mention that she is apparently about to leave without unlocking anyone else. *"Where did you learn to pick locks, Maeve," Doubar asked. Joel: Miss Brody's School For Young Ladies. *"My father taught me when I was a child, he said that it might *come in handy someday," Maeve said. Tom: Is this the same father that allowed her to be married against her will to a wimp from the X-Files? *"Alright do you know where they put our swords?" Sinbad asked. Joel: [As Sinbad] We'd like to use them after you undo our hands from these shackles. *"Yes I think I do," Maeve said. Crow: [As Maeve] But then, I could be wrong. *"Let's go then," Sinbad said walking behind Maeve. Tom: Excuse me! He's STILL CHAINED UP! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"Go get my bride to be and tie her hands when you get her," *Krychek said. Crow: He has a big fetish for ropes, doesn't he? Joel: Crow...I think you're right. Crow: This is a first! *"Yes your highness," Tom: Said the disembodied voice. *Down in the dungeon Maeve was working on the last door out. Joel: I thought she unlocked the door. *She found their swords locked up in a closet. Crow: [As Doubar] This isn't my sword, it's a broom! *She was having trouble with the last door though. Tom: How was it different? *All the sudden the door burst open and seven guards walked in Joel: Maeve was smashed against the wall when they opened the door... *and pushed the crew to the ground and took their weapons they *took the men and locked them up. Crow: [As Sinbad] Aww, foiled again! Curses! *They then tied up Maeve's hands and took her to the prince. * *"Well we are going to discuss our big wedding thats going to *take place tomorrow. No since in waiting," Krychek said. Joel: What? "No since in waiting"? Maybe English isn't Egyptlogic's first language. Tom: You mean she learned it by mail-in lessons? Crow: That explains SO much. *"I'll never marry you," Maeve said glaring at him. Joel: I feel a strange sense of deja vu. Tom: Well that's nothing: I feel a strange sense of deja vu. *"Oh, you gotten quite a spirit since you left, we're going to *have to work on that won't we," Krychek said. Crow: We're also going to have to work on your people skills, Krychek. First you try to blow up Mulder, now you act like a villain from a corny badly written fanfic. It's not a good pattern forming. Tom: Not to mention he should have been able to notice Maeve's "spirit" before she ran away. *"You wish," Maeve said. Joel: I wish I may, I wish I might: finish reading this fanfic really soon and go home. *"I will then it will become a reality," Krychek said. Joel: Woohoo! Home, here we come! *"Why don't you just jump off the west wings tower no one will *miss you at all," Maeve said between clutched teeth. Crow: Speaking of people skills... *"Why you cursed swine!" Krychek said and smacked her across the *face and hitting her eye the hardest. Tom: AHHH! ABUSE! ABUSE! THIS FIC SANCTIONS ABUSE! Crow: Actually, I think it DOESN'T, 'cause he's the villain. Tom: Okay then. Still, the author should have put in a warning at the beginning. Crow: She did. We shot it down. Tom: Oh yeah... *"Don't you ever talk to me like that!" Joel: The disembodied voice speaks again! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *The door to the cell opened and Maeve was pushed inside. Sinbad *saw her first and saw her clutch her left eye. Crow: Doctor, doctor, every time I drink my morning coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye! Tom: Then take out the spoon first! Ha! Ha! *"Maeve you alright," Sinbad asked as he went to her. Joel: [As Maeve] Yeah, me alright. How you? *"I'm fine," she said still clutching her eye. Tom: I'm fine, really! I have a limp and I'm missing an arm, but I'll be okay! Crow: It's just a flesh wound! *"Move your hand, Maeve," Sinbad said as he put his hand on her *left arm. Slowly she moved her eye and small cut and a very red *eye. "By Allah, Firouz come here," Sinbad said. Crow: Good God, she has a bruise! No! Say it ain't so! Tom: How did she get a cut if he slapped her? Crow: Maybe he's not just into bondage.... Joel: Crow... *"What?! Maeve what happened," Firouz asked. Tom: He's got the question mark in the wrong place! Crow: At least he's got one. *"He hit me," she said. Joel: Really? We thought you were attacked by rabid voles. *"Come sit over here while I treat your eye," Firouz said. Crow: Firouz just happens to have a Band-Aid with him. *"That no good son of a jackle," Joel: Like hackle, but Mexican. *Doubar said. "What did he say?" Crow: [As Maeve] He said that you're the fattest guy he's ever seen, Doubar. Tom: [As Doubar] I'll kill him! *"He said he and I are going to get married tomorrow, but he's *not going to get me to say yes so easily," Maeve said Crow: Why doesn't she just refuse to say "yes" at all, and avoid the whole thing? Tom: Because Maeve's not the swiftest bunny in the forest? *flinching as Firouz was treating her eye wound. Joel: [As Maeve] Careful with that band-aid--you're getting the adhesive in my eye! *"Did he say anything else?" Sinbad asked. Tom: [As Sinbad] Such as whether or not he likes my pants? *"No," Maeve said. Tom: [As Sinbad] He doesn't like my pants?! I'll kill him! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"Go make sure they are locked up well, then bring her back here *no matter what you have to do to bring her here. Crow: Yes, Oh Disembodied Voice, our Lord and Master! *"Yes sir," The Guard said. Tom: All Hail the Voice! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"There going to be back soon, we need a plan," Sinbad said. Joel: You know, a plan might be helpful. *"True but we need one fast," Firouz said. Tom: That sentence was entirely redundant! As if Sinbad didn't know they needed a fast plan. *"I have an idea," Maeve said. Crow: Her first ever! *"What is it?" Doubar asked. * *"Ok if he still a guard here we might have a chance," Maeve *said. Tom: That clears THAT up. *"Maeve who?" Firouz asked. Joel: [As Firouz] I have no idea who this Maeve person is! *"Huh, oh I have a friend who is a guard if he still is one he *might be able to help us," Maeve said but was silenced when she *heard the cell door being unlocked and a guard walked in. Joel: The fact she's not talking any more only makes her more comprehensible. *"You princess come with me," the guard said. Crow: Uh...no? *Maeve saw the crew about ready to attack when she told them to *stop. * *"It would be easier to just go along with things," she said Tom: Does this sound like Maeve at all? Crow: Oh NO! She's an alien clone! *then winked at them and they knew what she meant and she walked *out with the guard. Joel: Ohhh, it was a ruse. Crow: This is reminding me more and more of Mentos commercial. Tom: Mentos--The Fresh Maker. Crow: I hate those commercials. Tom: So do I. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *"Well looks like your quiet, anyway everything is taken care of Tom: Her quiet what?! Crow: Her quiet, anyway. Tom: Oh. *the only thing left is for you to try on your wedding dress," *Krychek said holding up a long white gown. Joel: Are you sure she should be wearing *white*? Crow: Joel.... *"Fine," Maeve said and took the dress out of his hands and *headed toward her old bedroom. *"I want t see you in it so come out here with it on," Krychek *said. Tom: I bet that's not ALL he wants to see her in! Joel: Crow... Crow: I didn't do anything! It was HIM! Joel: Sorry. Tom... *"Is Gizer still a guard here," Maeve said turning around looking *at him. Tom: How can she turn around to see him if she's in the other room? Crow: X-ray goggles? *"Why yes he guards the dungeon cells every night," Krychek said. *"Why?" Joel: [As Maeve] Ummm, no reason. *"Just wondering," Maeve said and went to try the gown on. Crow: Did she close the door? Joel: Crow... Crow: I was just wondering! Joel: We know that! Now stop it! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ *ABOUT AN HOUR LATER... Crow: I wish time went by as fast for us reading this fanfic, then for the people in it. *"Maeve did you find him," Doubar asked. Joel: [As Maeve] More importantly, Doubar, how did you get into my dressing room? *"Not yet but he is going to be standing guard right outside the *door tonight," Maeve said. Tom: If, of course, Maeve can *trust* Krychek. Joel: She should really *trust no one*. *"Good how long till sunset?" Firouz asked Crow: [As Maeve] Do I look like I have a watch? *"About an hour maybe two," Maeve said. * *About two and a half hours later... Tom: She was WAY off. *The cell door unlocked and walked in a guard with brown hair *with a little gray and green eyes. Joel: What? He only has a little gray and green eye? Tom: He's a Cyclops! Crow: And I'm a Wolverine! Bub! *"Gizer," Maeve said loud enough to hear and hugged him. Tom: What was the point of saying "loud enough to hear" if he knows she's there because she hugged him? Joel: Ah, Egyptlogic, Queen Of Redundancy! Crow: SHE should be locked up in the castle. *"Maeve not now we need to get you out of here," Gizer said. Joel: Why is he called "Gizer" if he's an old man? Isn't that kinda mean? Tom: So she discriminates against old people. She also discriminates against: women, men, corny villains, hawks, mute Moors, swashbucklers, geeks-- Crow: Basically anybody who's appeared in her fanfic. Tom: Pretty much. *"Let's go then," Maeve said. * *"There is a secret passage on the other side of the dungeon," Joel: I thought there were no passages? Tom: Maeve didn't KNOW of any. There's a difference. Joel: She's pretty useless, isn't she? Tom: It seems to be a running theme. *Gizer said. "Follow me," and the crew followed him through to *the other side. Crow: The Far Side? Tom: Should Gary Larson be getting royalties? *They soon came to the passage and Gizer gave Maeve a torch and *quick instructions on how to get through the passage Joel: [As Gizer] First, you walk down this passage. Then, you open the door. Any questions? Want me to go slower this time? *and wished them luck. Crow: They're going to need it! Tom: We need it too, to get through this fanfic. Crow: Not even LUCK will help us now! *"Gizer come with us if Krychek found out you helped me escaped *than he will kill you," Maeve said. Joel: You should be put to death merely for attempting to use four different tenses, and improper use of the word "than". Crow: Guilty! Guilty! Off with her head! *"No he won't know, Tom: The Disembodied Voice Knows ALL! *besides I can't leave this place it's home for me," Gizer said. Crow: What's your point? *"Go ahead I'll be fine," Joel: Until Krychek kills me, of course. *"See you later my friend," Maeve said and gave him a quick hug Tom: She likes hugging him, doesn't she? *than disappeared through the passage with the others behind her. Joel: Again, improper use of the word "than". You will be fined 300 years hard labour. Crow: Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred. *"Hope I will see you again," Gizer said below his breath Tom: How can you say something "below your breath"? Don't you need your breath to speak? Crow: Gizer's talented. *and went back to his spot and knocked himself out. All: ? Joel: How do you do THAT? Crow: Read this fanfic, then knock your head against the wall a few times. *The next morning he woke up when the prince poured water on his *face. Tom: We're hoping it was water... Joel: Tom... *And found the prince glaring at him. Crow: What did he expect? Kindly concern? Out of KRYCHEK? *"Where are they?" Krychek said. Tom: [faints] Joel: My God! A question mark, in the proper place at the end of a question? What is the world coming to? Our entire sense of reality is unravelling... Crow: Without reality to bother us, maybe we'll understand the story a bit more. *"I don't know," Gizer said. Tom: [recovering from faint] That's obvious. Joel: Glad to have you back, Tom. *"Alright you three look through the dungeon Crow: That's brilliant, Krychek. Look through the dungeon after the jailbreak. Joel: Ideas like that are why the pay him the big money. *the rest of you split yourselves up and look through the palace *and village find them and then you will get party's on me for *two weeks," Krychek said. Crow: I'd like to party of Krychek. Preferably on his head. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~~~~~~~ Crow: The bees have returned! Run for the hills! Tom: Just when we thought we were safe... *"OK GET MOVING!! RAISE THE SAIL!! PULL UP ANKER!!," Joel: Get that Anker right up! Tom: Isn't an anker a kind of foot wart? *Sinbad yelled at the crew. Crow: That's not very nice. *Soon they were safely at sea and the crew was eating below deck. Tom: Mmm, below deck. My favourite kind of sandwich. *"Maeve how about we crown you princess of the sea," Doubar said. Tom: Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, Doubar, you're such a WIT. Crow: He's the wicked wit of the west! Joel: Quick, Doubar, run away before someone drops a house on you too! *"Don't you dare come near me with one of those things they are *heavier than they look," Maeve said. Crow: Being made of gold, that's safe to assume. *"You HAVE worn a crown then," Firouz said. Joel: DUH. *"Yes and everytime I did I got a dreadful headache," Maeve said. Tom: That's because of her big head. The crowns only came in petite. *"Are you ever going to go back there Maeve," Doubar asked. Crow: [As Maeve] Only if you use a question mark in your life- time. *"I hope so but not immediatly," Maeve said. Crow: Need I say more? *"You did the right thing you know," Firouz said. Joel: What's that? Caused her best friend to be beheaded for dereliction of duty? Crow: Turned down a kingdom full of riches and power, with a wuss for a husband? *"And whats that," Maeve asked. Tom: I think we ran through it already. *"You followed your heart not your brain," Firouz said. Joel: And this is coming from FIROUZ? Tom: Don't ask. It's easier to live in ignorance. *"Yeah I guess," Maeve said. * *Then Rongar Tom: Rongar! He's shown up at last! Crow: At the end of the story. Tom: At least we're at the end. Crow: Good point. Yay Rongar! *came down and signaled the others to follow him. He took them *above deck and pointed toward the sunset where a pod of Orca *Whales boucing in and out of the sea. Joel: I guess they must really be in Iceland--unless you find Killer whales in the Mediterranean. Tom: Even then, it's hard to find boucing ones. *"Wow look at that," Firouz said. Crow: A pod of way-off-course boucing whales! *"It's amazing how beautiful animals can live in a whole new *world below us," Doubar said. Joel: Just like the spiny urchins, and sharks, and jellyfish. Crow: Not to mention slime. Joel: So many, many kinds of slime! *"Indeed Doubar, Indeed," Sinbad said as they sailed away from *the sunset and the whales... * *THE END... All: HOORAY!!! Crow: I hope we NEVER have to sit through another Egyptlogic story AGAIN! Tom: Hopefully, she'll have gotten C&C by now, and either improved, or deleted her word-processing program. Crow: Maybe she should burn her computer to be sure. Joel: Come on, guys, it's not that bad. I mean, it was badly punctuated and the grammar was--flexible, but still. She batted around a few good ideas. Crow: And struck out with all of the them! Joel: Come on... Crow: No, Joel. There's no way you can get us to admit those stories had any worth, except as kindling. Joel: You can be so harsh. Crow: It's a harsh world, Joel... The REAL end.