This MSTing is a product of Saf&Dy Productions Inc. This MSTing was written by Saf, but Dy was there in spirit...yeah, that's it... Copywrite blah blah blah AoS Hercules Xena Mystery Science Theatre yadda yadda yadda.... Remember: we support free speech on the internet as it applies to our right to say whatever the hell we feel like. " Do we have to go read that fanfic? Do we have to read it right this minute?" Crow T. Robot griped. " I don't feel well. I have a headache." " Stop whining and get in the theatre," Joel Robinson replied, giving Crow a small kick in the theatre's direction. " But I don't wanna!!!" Crow yelled, like a small child. Joel booted him again. In the theatre, the lights dimmed, and the credits began rolling by on the screen... *The Sorceress * *By Egyptlogic Crow: Logic? Is that a misnomer, or what? Joel: The fanfic hasn't even started yet, Crow. Crow: Your point? Tom: I don't think he has one. * * * *A man in a purple vest ran up the dock trying to find the *Nomad. When he found it he ran into a man. "Are you Sinbad the *sailor?" he asked out of breath. Crow: [As Sinbad] No, I'm Sinbad the Butcher! That's what the sword is for! Tom: [As Sinbad] I'm Sinbad the Calvin Klein model. Just be. *"I am," Sinbad said. Crow: Duh. *"I have this message for Bryn," the man said. Joel: It was *supposed* to get here three days ago, but the Post Office isn't the way it used to be... Crow: You mean it actually gets stuff on time now?!? Joel: I take that back. It's the way it ALWAYS was! *"Alright I'll go get her," Sinbad said and went aboard the ship *in search of Bryn. He went below deck towards her cabin and *knocked.. Tom: Heads together. Hopefully one is the writer... Crow: His heels together three times while saying "There's no place like home!" *"Come in," Bryn said. Sinbad opened the door, "There is a *man with a message that needs to speak with you," he said. Joel: Turns out you've maxed your credit cards again, and this guy "Joey" is out for blood... Tom: Or at least your kneecaps. *Up on deck Crow: As opposed to underwater... Tom: Or on the moon... *She looked at the man and said, "Iolaus?!" with surprise. Crow: I told you never to come see me! It was only a one time thing! *"What's wrong?" Bryn said while walking down to him. * *"Hercules sent me to give this to you," Iolaus said handing her *the message which said... Crow: Thank you for trying out for the lead in the off-off-off Broadway production of "The Phantom of the Opera", however, the skills we required are singing, not swashbuckling or "sensing evil". Tom: Hey, Mariah, it's your agent, sweetie. Look, it turns out they turned your request down for a role on ST: Voyager. Seems that they already have a violent chick in skintight clothing; sorry. *'Bryn we need your help we are going against a sorceress who *is trying to kill the villagers around Loral. We need your help *please.` Crow: That Sorceress has stolen all their punctuation! How diabolical! Tom: And she's switched their quotations marks! Pure evil! *"Sinbad!" Bryn called. Within moments Sinbad was at Bryn side. Joel: Like starboard or port, but more revealing... Crow: I'll say! *"What's wrong?" he asked. Tom: [As Bryn] Dammit, I got turned down AGAIN! I'm STUCK here! *"Read this" she said. Sinbad read the message than looked up and *asked, "Do you know who this sorceress is?" Tom: Of course I do! As it happens, we went to school together! *"No we don't know who she is but she keeps turning up and kills *anyone she sees" Iolaus said. Joel: We're running through extras like you wouldn't believe! *"Looks like we have another adventure," Sinbad said Crow: Ah, damn! Not another one! Tom: We just washed the ship, too... *as he turned toward the Nomad. "Doubar, Rongar, Firouz get ready *to go," he said. Joel: How can they get ready to go? Aren't they already on the ship? *Within minutes everyone was ready to go. Joel: See, didn't take any time at all. Crow: Too bad this fanfic can't say the same! *Sometime later.... *"Iolaus," Bryn said, "Did Hercules just send for us or did he *ask some other people to help?" Tom: Are we special? Or just another two-bit hack hero routine? Crow: A little from Column A, and little from Column B... Tom: They're special?! Crow: As in "special needs". *"Oh no we also sent for Xena and Gabrielle" answered Iolaus Joel: "Oh no" is right! *"Do you guys know Xena and Gabrielle?" he asked. Tom: [As Bryn] Yeah, we all went to the same High School! Class of 345 AD! *"No I don't think we've meet them" answered Sinbad. * *"All right I'll tell you about them and what you need to *keep in mind about them." Joel: Such as they are armed, dangerous, psychotic, and unable to punctuate like the rest of us. ************************************************************ Crow: A high pressure system moving in meaning a 75% chance of flurries.. *"Xena!" came a familiar voice. "Xena wait up!" Tom: These heels are murder! *"Oh great it's Joxer," said Gabrielle walking a little faster. Crow: That guy is, like, such a *dweeb*...he's going to give me cooties! *"Hey guys wait up I have a message for you!" said Joxer. Tom: [As Gabrielle] Oo, is it a candy-gram? If it isn't, I'll just have to beat you up. *"What is it Joxer?" asked Xena. * *"Here, it's a message from Hercules" Joxer said as he tossed *the scroll to Xena. As Xena read the scroll Gabrielle asked *Joxer. Joel: Asked him what? Crow: Whether or not he had his cootie shot... Tom: [singing] Circle circle, dot dot, now I have my cootie shot! *"How do you know Hercules?" Tom: Yeah, class of... Joel: These graduation jokes are wearing thin. Crow: So's the fanfic, notice? Joel: How could I not? *"I was passing by a village and he just told me to deliver this *message to you." Tom: He also said that if I delivered it in less than thirty minutes, I'd get free garlic bread! *"Which village?" asked Gabrielle * *"Loral" answered Xena. Tom: That clears that up. *"How long will it take us to get there?" Gabrielle asked * *"Around sunset" answered Xena * *"Well what are we waiting for let's go" Gabrielle said. Joel: What we're waiting for is your shipment of commas to come in... **************************************************************** Crow: The storm has now intensified to blizzard conditions. Stay in your homes...repeat, do not venture out to read lame fanfics... Tom: Why don't we practise what you preach? *"There's Loral," said Iolaus. Joel: That was quick. Crow: InstaWalk! Just say where you want to go and *poof*! You're there! Tom: Home...Home...Home.. Hey! Nothing's working! You lied to me! LIED! Crow: Disclaimer: this product can only be used by writers who can't be bothered to write in a walking scene... Tom: I hate the fine print. *"Where are we supposed to meet Hercules at?" asked Bryn. * *"Well he's right there. Hey Herc!!" Iolaus yelled. Joel: Couldn't you see him? I mean, he's three feet in front of you! *Then a tall man turned around and saw them, and ran over *and said, "Why don't you take them to the tavern I'll stay out *here to keep the people under control and wait for Xena and *Gabrielle then we will talk," Hercules said. Crow: Yeah...*talk* ::smacks palm into fist::: I've been meaning to have a *talk* with you, Xena... *"Alright see you there" Iolaus said. "Ok let's go" ****************************************************************** Crow: There is now a major blizzard in effect--the country is blanketed by fifteen feet of snow...drifts are reaching up to five stories...this is a national disaster... Tom: Better call in some celebrities to do a charity song... Joel: [Singing] The pipes are all a'freezing, and the children all are sneezing...we all get up to say, help us all today, we're living in a hellish snowing land... Crow & Tom: [clapping] Bravo! Bravo! Encore, encore! Joel: Awww, thanks. Crow: Michael Jackson couldn't have done it any better. Tom: But he could have done it a lot worse... Crow: No kidding. Joel: Back to the fanfic, guys! Crow: Awwww, do we have to? Joel: Yep. Otherwise you don't get any dessert... *"I thought we'd never get here," said Gabrielle. Tom: I was hoping you wouldn't. *"It was only a three hour walk," said Xena. Crow: Yeah! Pull yourself together! You're such a WIMP, Gabrielle. *"Xena!! Gabrielle!!" yelled Hercules. They looked out toward the *field, saw him, then started walking toward him. * *"Hercules it's good to see you," Gabrielle said. Crow: The feeling is not mutual! *"It's good to see you to Gabrielle you to Xena," Hercules said. Tom: Wha...? `Good to see you to Gabrielle you to Xena'? Is that even an english sentence structure? Crow: Well, c'mon, it goes with the lack of english punctuation. Tom: That's true, but still. Joel: We're still waiting for the shipload of commas... Crow: [Singing] One day our commas will come... *"Joxer thanks for getting them." Tom: You did good work, my pet. You can have your free garlic bread now... *"Hey no problem they good friends of mine." Crow: They good friends of mine! Me have problem speaking! *"We need to meet Iolaus at the tavern," he finished. Joel: If only they were lucky enough to finish Iolaus at the tavern. Tom: It's more like "if WE are lucky enough to finish with Iolaus at the tavern" ! Joel: That's what I meant. *"Well let's go" said Gabrielle. Crow: Is that like her catch phrase or something? ******************************************************************* Crow: The weather has not yet let up. The snowbanks are now high enough to stop people from leaping to their death from their apartment balconies... *"So then what happened?" asked Firouz. Crow: Well, first I won the "Most Useless And Annoying Sidekick" prize, but then I lost it to Dermott. *"Well then Hercules choked the hydra until it's was dead" *finished Iolaus. Tom: That'll learn it. *"You tell stories real good, what happened?" asked Bryn. Crow: Real good, y'all hear me? Real good. Aww, shucks. *"Well you know how I told you that Gabrielle is a good bard, *she told me how to make a good story without adding unimportant *parts and making it more realistic," Iolaus answered. Tom: Why, oh why couldn't the writer have listened to her own advice? *"And here she is now," Iolaus said. Joel: Let's give her a big round of applause. Crow: A E P S P U L A *And the Nomad crew turned toward the door. And saw a girl *with sandy coloured hair and a green top. With a nicely *decorated staff. Tom: [As Gabrielle] I got all of my outfit at the Gap! Khakis groove! *The woman behind her had dark hair and dressed in leather *with a sword and a round thing on her belt. Crow: Mmmmmleather. :::drools::: Joel: Crow.... *"Xena, Gabrielle over here!" yelled Iolaus Tom: [As Xena] Duh, I can see that, foolish mortal! Crow: Off with his head! Joel: Amen! *The two women saw them and started walking toward them. Crow: As opposed to rollerblading. Joel: Rollerblades weren't invented then. Crow: That's what you think! "Wheeled Boots!" Courtesy Firouz Enterprises, TM. *"Iolaus it's good to see you," said Gabrielle as she gave *him a quick hug. Crow: I wonder if he's *really* happy to see her too... Joel: Crow... *"You to Gabrielle and you Xena," said Iolaus Tom: Pawn to E4 and... Crow: And Queen to my bedroom...rrrrrr ::makes growling noises::: Joel: :::sigh:::: *"Ok let's introduce everyone," said Hercules Tom: This is Sandy, our vacation supervisor... *"I'm Hercules and this is Xena and Gabrielle and this is Sinbad, *Bryn, Doubar, Rongar, Firouz and Joxer. And you all know *Iolaus," said Hercules. Crow; Yes, but's not the REAL Iolaus! He's an IMPOSTOR! Tom: Gasp! *"You're Sinbad THE sailor!" said a shocked Gabrielle. Tom: [As Gabrielle] You're not wearing any pants! Crow: [As Sinbad] It's Sinbad the Sailor SIR to rabble scum like you! *"Yes," Sinbad answered. Crow: Yes, I am not wearing any pants. *"Where is Dermott?" she asked curiously. Joel: We ate him. *"He's out flying around" answered Bryn. Crow: Fly, little one! Be FREE! *"Well it must be some sorceress if almost every hero is here," Joel: [As Hercules] We tried to get the Fantastic Four but they were busy, so we had to get you hacks instead. *said Gabrielle as she got a chair and sat next to Iolaus and *Joxer. Crow: I thought she hated the two of them? Tom: She hates Joxer...she *likes* Iolaus... Crow: [As Iolaus] Who's hand is on my thigh? Oh, Gabrielle, I thought you just wanted to be *friends*... *"Well since I'm here you guys don't have to worry about a *thing," said Joxer with that silly grin of his. Joel: Uh oh, Joxer's been into the *magic powder* again... *At that point he jumped and stood on the chair seat and yelled *"A MOUSE! GET IT! GET IT!" Crow: Kill the damn thing! Kill it! Kill it! We want blood! Tom: I represent RLSFPOCTMBILJ...and we feel this scene is in poor taste. Joel: RLSFPOCTMBILJ? Tom: Royal Loral Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Mice By Idiots Like Joxer. Joel: A worthy cause. I'd like to make a donation. *Gabrielle took her staff and put it down by the mouse. Then the *mouse walked onto her staff as she lift it up she said. Crow: So she only *said* she lifted it? Joel: I don't know about you, but if some scary huge chick put a staff down next to me, I wouldn't walk on it. Crow: Would you run like the sissy you are? Joel: You bet. *"It's so cute. Don't worry I'll take it outside and let it run *off" At that point Gabrielle turned and walked out the back door *and came back a little later. Tom: Hey! What happened to the missing time? Crow: What missing time? Tom: How long does it take to put a mouse outside? Crow: I see. What then do you suppose she was doing? Tom: Did anybody keep track of Iolaus....? *When she sat down she said, "Is the food good? I'm starving" Joel: We're been through this already. It's Dermott! Crow: With potatoes on the side? Joel: Nope...Stove Top Stuffing!! Crow: Yay! ::cheers::: ******************************************************************* Crow: Guys...I don't think we can make it any more...the snow still isn't letting up...our supplies are low... Tom: You mean...? Crow: Yes! We're out of Cheez Whiz! Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Our nachos will be bare! Joel: Guys, if the snow continues and I don't make it, I give you permission to eat me... Crow: Did you honestly think that we'd ask your permission? Tom: Did you honestly think we'd wait until you died? *"Guard!" called a woman. Crow: Coming.... Joel: Crow... *A guard walked in and knelled in front of the woman. Tom: If it's one thing I hate, it's knelling. Joel: So hard on the knees...I've ruined so many pairs of pants doing that... Crow: It's the `in front of the woman' bit I'm interested in. Joel: We saw that *coming*... Crow: Joel! Joel: You can't have ALL the good sex jokes! *"Yes my mistress" Crow: Mine! Mine! I call dibs! Tom: Too late, it's over. Crow: Awww, man... *"Send a dozen of guards and attack Hercules and his friends!" Tom: And twenty four long stem roses... *"I don't care what you have to do but give me a bit of Xena's *blood" said the woman. Joel: I wonder if they're the same type... Crow: Maybe she's a vampire. Maybe this isn't just a Sinbad, Xena and Hercules cross-over, but a Buffy the Vampire Slayer cross too. Tom: [As Buffy] Oh Angel, I know you're evil and all, but you're just so buff I can't bear to kill you! *"Yes ma'am" Crow: I can't hear you! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Tom: Get down and give me twenty! ****************************************************************** Joel: OWWWW!!! CROW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP KNAWING ON MY LEG! *"So Gabrielle how did you do at the bards academy," asked *Iolaus. Tom: Well, first I won the class award for "Most Likely To Become Annoying", then I got picked up by my professor...mostly I went to huge parties. *"Same as always first place," answered Gabrielle. Joel: Some things never change. Crow: Except this fanfic, it's becoming even MORE incomprehensible... *"And which stories did you tell?" asked Hercules. Joel: [As Gabrielle] Well, there was that one about Jesus, Buddha and Confucius in the bar... *"Well there were three stories. One was when Xena and I met *Pandora, When I became an Amazon Princess, and last but the best *is when you and Xena went and saved Prome- Xena what is it?" *asked Gabrielle when she saw Xena suddenly became tensed. Tom: Present or future? Joel: Pluperfect ablative [passive voice]. Crow: I hate it when you speak in tongues! *"Gabrielle get your staff ready," Xena said. Tom: [As Xena] You'll definitely need your personal assistant for this one. *"Why?" asked Gabrielle. Crow: Because I TOLD you to, dammit! *"YOU!" cried a soldier. Joel: ME! Tom: NO, ME!!! Crow: That's where you're both wrong! ME!!! *At that everyone looked at the soldier. Tom: ::whispered::: Omigod, does he have something stuck between his teeth?! *"Sinbad and his crew, Xena and Hercules and their sidekicks" *said the soldier. Joel: Gosh, is it so hard to write out: Sinbad, Bryn, Rongar, Doubar, Firouz, Hercules, Iolaus, Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer? Plus assorted extras? Tom: Don't forget Dermott. Joel: And Dermott? *"Let's see if your reputations are true" the soldier continued. Crow: [as Soldier] Is it true, Sinbad, that you and Rongar are an item? Tom: [As Sinbad] It's absolutely true...as you can see, Rongar isn't wearing any pants either. *Right there everyone got up and got their weapons out. And was *ready for a fight. Crow & Tom: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Joel: Hmmmm, who should I bet on? Oh, what the heck, I'm going for the Evil Henchman. *Then the soldiers attacked and started going after the ten of *them. But instead of spreading out they all went after Xena. Crow: Hey..wait a minute. If they all started going after the `ten of them', wouldn't that be spreading out? Tom: You're expecting continuity?! Crow: This was written by EgyptLOGIC, you know. Joel: You already made fun of that on the first page, Crow. Crow: Oh yeah.... *When Hercules saw this he quickly jumped to the three closest *soldiers and started kicking and punching. Then the rest of the *soldiers spread out but some were still going toward Xena. Crow: Go Herc!!! Joel: Go evil henchmen!!! *Then the fighting started to really start Tom: Then what was all the kicking and punching? Crow: Preliminaries... *out and get vicious Xena kicked, punched, and flipped every now *and then. Joel: Just for the hell out it; it's didn't actually help at all. Crow: [As Xena] AHHHH! I'm flipping out! *Till finally a soldier hit a lucky shot Tom: Hit a lucky shot? What are they using? Guns? Crow: Please. In the great and long tradition of Firouz, it's a `Rod of Iron Firing Lead Earwigs'! Tom: LEAD EARWIGS?!?!? Crow: Do you know how hard it is to come up with good acronyms on the spur of the moment?!?!?!? *and made a tiny scratch enough for Xena to bleed onto his sword *and called out "ENOUGH we got what we want!!" All the soldiers *backed off and ran toward the door. Crow: [As Xena] They had their fill of us then just threw us away! *"What was that about?" asked Gabrielle as she walked to Xena. * *"Who knows?" said Xena. Joel: Wow...the writer *must* have been commenting on their fanfic... ******************************************************************** Joel: You try and chew on me, Crow, and I'll turn you into scrap metal so fast you'll think you're in a time warp! Tom: I think you really hurt him, Crow...he screamed in caps! Crow: But our supplies are gone! There's not even any way of getting out now, in the snow....we'll starve! Tom: But look at it this way...if we starve, we won't have to put up with this dumb fanfic... Crow: Yeah...I guess so... *"Your highness," said the guard. Joel: We couldn't get "The First Wives Club" so we rented "Scream XXXI" [starring Courtney Cox's grand daughter Courtney III]. Crow: The reviews for that were supposed to be really good. Joel: Compared to the other "Scream" movies, so that's not saying much. *"We have Xena's blood ma'am." Tom: We also picked up some free garlic bread! *"Wonderful where is it?" asked the woman Crow: I want my garlic bread NOW! *"Right here on my sword," said the guard Joel: My arms were full, so I had to spear the bread to take it with us. *"Give it here and leave me," the woman said. Crow: I hate when people watch me eat! Tom: I hate watching you eat, so we shouldn't run into any problems. *"Yes ma'am," and the guard left. Joel: Oh so trainable, don't you think? Gee, I *could've* had servants like that. Crow: Well you don't, so quit yer whining! *"Now let's see if this will work," said the woman. Tom: If it doesn't I'll just scream! ******************************************************************** Crow: So that was her sinister game! Lure us out into the blizzard with free garlic bread then start up the storm again! Oh, she's evil... *"You know that was a great fight we haven't had a good fight *since last week," said Gabrielle. Joel: Gosh, we aren't pugilistic, now are we? Crow: No, we just like to fight a lot. Joel: Sigh. Tom: Besides, what was so great about it anyway? Herc beat up three guys, and the rest ran away after only a couple minutes. Sinbad didn't even get mentioned. Crow: What's your point? Tom: Oh, nothing, I just wanted to mention i. *"And what about the fight we had yesterday?" asked Xena. * *"Well one look at you and they began to run toward the hills, *what kind of fight is that?" asked Gabrielle. Tom: Yeah, I mean, *god*, what a bunch of wimps. Just because they were afraid of getting killed. Now, in my day, extras weren't afraid of a little fight, no sirree... *"I'd say that was one of our most peaceful fight ever," answered *Xena. Joel: Oxymoron alert! Oxymoron alert! Tom: Yeah, I mean, "peaceful fight" is just stupid. Joel: That's why they're called "OxyMORONS". *"Sinbad I'm going to go check on Dermott I'll be right back," *said Bryn. Crow: I think that the spit needs roasting and he might need to be basted again... *"I'll go with you," said Gabrielle who grabbed her staff and *went after Bryn. Tom: I want to make sure you do it *just right*. Crow: [As Gabrielle] And I want to check on the souffle...tell me, Bryn, what wine goes with roast hawk? Tom: [As Bryn] I'd say a hearty and spunky red ought to go with it. Joel: How can wine be described as "spunky"? *"Hey Xena I got a gift for Gabby could you tell me if she is *going to like it? asked Joxer. Crow: Is it a punch in the nose? Tom: It's pants. I went back and read the description of what she's wearing, and it says a `girl with sandy coloured hair and a green top. With a nicely decorated staff.' I don't see pants anywhere on that list. This writer has a thing for all the characters walking around pantless. *"Alright Joxer, what is it?" asked Xena. Crow: It's a Chia Pet [TM] Everybody needs one! ******************************************************************** Crow: You know, I've got a theory about this snow storm...I think it's a conspiracy by the government... Tom: Oh really? Crow: Yes. They've engineered this freak weather in order to jump-start the economy by selling government made snow-mobiles. Tom: Uh huh. No more X-files for YOU, young man. *"Hey Bryn could you tell me something if you can? asked *Gabrielle. Joel: [As Bryn] Okay, but my IQ is lower than my shoe size, so I don't know if I'll be helpful... Tom: Not to mention, with this writing, any answers she gives are libel to be as incomprehensible as everything else. *"Sure," said Bryn. Tom: See! She's agreeing with me. *"What happened to Meave the woman who was a part of Sinbad's *crew before you were? asked Gabrielle. Joel: We ate her too. Crow: Don't mention food! I'm starving. :::stomach grumbles::: There, there, my pet. I'll feed you soon. *"Well let me ask you something, how do you know so much *about Sinbad and his crew? asked Bryn. Tom: A little bird told me. *"There was a girl at the Bard's Academy who met Sinbad and She *left some scrolls in the Academy's library. And I just happened *to get my hand's on them." answered Gabrielle. Joel: She actually bribed the librarian. Tom: No! Not the librarian! Is nothing sacred?! *"Well I'm not exactly sure but I think she fell over board *during terrible storm. Crow: [As Bryn] I had nothing to do with it! Really! You gotta believe me! *And I think she was saved by her Master Dim-Dim and she is *someplace under Dim-Dim's protection." answered Bryn. Crow: Yeah, that's it, yeah... *"There he is. Dermott!!" called Bryn. And the magnificent bird *glided down gracefully onto Bryn's arm. Joel: Quick! Catch him! We've got to get him back on the spit before the fire goes out! *"He's prettier than I thought." said Gabrielle. Tom: I thought he was damn ugly before, but then I realised how majestic he is up close served with gravy... ******************************************************************** Crow: Day 135...the snow has not let up. Half of the men have succumbed to the severe cold and/or hunger...the entire camp is beginning to lose hope... Tom: Beginning?! *"So do you think she'll like it Xena?" asked Joxer. No reply. Joel: [As Xena] That question was *so* stupid, I'm just going to ignore you! *"Xena?" Joxer asked again. With no reply he looked up and saw *Xena Crow: If he had to look UP to see Xena, what was he looking at before? Joel: Her feet. Crow: Actually, I think he might have been looking at-- Joel: HER FEET! NOW JUST SHUT UP, CROW!! Crow: Okay. Jeez. I was just going to say `the ground', that's all. Joel: :::deep sigh:: *became limp and she would of fell out her seat if Hercules *hadn't of caught her. Tom: `Hadn't of caught her'? Wow. Egyptlogic gives a whole new horizon to prepositions.. *"Xena?" Hercules said with concern in his voice. Crow: As opposed to loathing. Tom: Which is what *we* all feel. *"Firouz take a look at her," Sinbad said. Crow: [As Firouz] She looks all right to me...woohoo! *"Joxer go get Gabrielle and Bryn," said Iolaus. Joel: We wouldn't want them to miss out on the fun. *"Alright," said Joxer. And ran toward the door in search of *Gabrielle and Bryn. Tom: Can't he see them? They're right in front of the door! Crow: Joxer is not exactly the swiftest bunny in the forest. Tom: I think that's a bit of an understatement. Joel: A BIT?! *"Well I don't know what's wrong she not unconscious and she's *didn't faint, I'm not sure," said Firouz. Tom: [As Firouz] They didn't cover anything like this in Baghdad's Med School! *Right then Joxer, Gabrielle and Bryn came in. Gabrielle ran to *Xena and said, "Xena come on wake up." Joel: I don't think Gabrielle's a swift bunny either. Crow: I know. I mean, DUH--that's the FIRST thing Firouz would have tried, and he's five times the doctor character you are, you hack! Tom: I believe Crow has a bias regarding Firouz and Gabrielle. Joel: And your first clue was? *While Bryn walked over to Sinbad and asked, "Sinbad what *happened?" Joel: [As Sinbad] Well.... *"We aren't sure she just became limp all the sudden." Joel: [As Sinbad] Yeah, that's it! *"Let me take a look at her," she said to Gabrielle. Tom: She can't be any more useless than Gabrielle. Crow: Can anybody? *"Please do" Gabrielle said. Bryn took one look at her *and she knew what was wrong. "I think I know what's wrong," she *said. Joel: Talk about redundancy. Crow: This entire story is one giant redundancy! *"What's wrong with her?" asked Joxer. * *"She is under a spell by the Sorceress," she said Tom: How the hell could she figure that out just by looking at her?! Joel: She *sensed* it. That's her big talent, remember? Tom: I thought that was just limited to *sensing* evil. Joel: She's expanding her role. *"What kind of spell is it," asked Hercules. Crow: [As Bryn] What? You expect me to know EVERYTHING?! *"Oh she'll be fine but we need to take her to a cout and *get the sorceress," she said. Tom: [As Hercules] You didn't answer my question, mortal scum. Crow: What's a cout? Joel: It's what you knell on. *"Iolaus go find a room at one of the inns" Hercules said. Crow: [As Iolaus] Oh, Herc, do you really think this is the time or the place? *"Right," said Iolaus. Crow: I guess so. *"The spell is just to make her fall asleep and she won't wakeup *until the sorceress takes it off or if she is killed," Bryn *said. Joel: But if she's killed, she won't be waking up, will she? *"I found a room!" called Iolaus. Tom: [As Iolaus] It was right where I left it! Joel: You always find things in the last place you look. *When Hercules heard him. He gently lifted Xena. With Gabrielle *right next to him, and the rest of them following. Crow: Let's have a parade! I'll throw confetti! ******************************************************************** Crow: Day 10, 789....the snow *still* hasn't let up. The men are becoming unstable...they've resorted to making snow angels to relieve the tension.. *"Yes it worked!" cried the woman. Crow: I figured out the recipe to the secret sauce they use on Big Mac's! *"Ma'am there is someone who want's to see you," said the guard. Crow: It's Ronald McDonald, and his gang of underworld thugs, out for revenge! *"Send them in," said the lady. * *"Yes ma'am," said the guard. * *"This is going to be good," the lady said laughing. Tom: Will she still be laughing when the "hamburgular" breaks her kneecaps? *The door suddenly opened and a man stepped in. Joel: The one armed-man? *"Sister I told you not to attack that and not put a spell on *Xena. I said that if anyone was going to put a spell on someone *it was going to be me," the man said. Crow: Yeah, spoilsport!! *"I was only trying to help," said the lady. Tom: Sure you were, lady, *sure* you were. *"Well take your spell off Xena and leave everything to to me," *said the man. Joel: You are getting sleepy...you will leave everything in my control.... Crow: ZZZZZZZ *...I will leave everything under your control...* Joel: Hey! It worked! You will stop making rude comments during this fanfic.... Crow: *...I will stop making--I WILL NOT!!! Joel: Damn. *"Well tell me your plan than I will take my spell off Xena," *said the lady. Tom: I'm not doing anything until you are! *"All right, a few years ago I was in love with Bryn and she *didn't love me so I told her that one day I was going to claim *her as mine. Crow: I don't have any problems with the word "no", what are you talking about? *When I made that threat to her she said I would have to find *someone else to pick on. Tom: Don't you hate it when people refuse to give in to threats? *I told her that if I do fall in love with someone else I won't *bother her but since I didn't fall in love I'm going to go after *her. Joel: [As Bryn] Oh, so I'm just a back-up plan, then, huh? Tom: Boy, this guy isn't determined at all, is he? Joel: Using that reckoning, he's not stupid, either. *And force her to love me and marry me. Crow: That's not difficult at all. *Jeez*... *So in other words I'm going after Bryn and that's all I want." *he said. Joel: Yeah, you kinda made that clear. *"Now take your spell off Xena. Then while everyone is checking *on her than I'll quickly mist in grab Bryn and mist out again *before she could scream." he said. Crow: Because she screams so loudly and piercingly it hurts my ears! *"That's a great plan brother and I'll help you all I can." said *the lady. Joel: Oh yeah--it's a great plan if you ignore its obvious faults. Crow: Such as it's stupid and chauvinistic? Joel: Exactly. Tom: One question...if the whole thing was to get Bryn, why did they bother drugging Xena? Crow: For the same reason this dumb fanfic was written? Tom: A sadistic urge to make us suffer? Crow: Exactly. ********************************************************************* Crow: Day 1,000,000,000,000,002. Creatures have began evolving to adapt to the new climate on Earth...Mastodons and sabre-tooth tigers have re-emerged...humans have been pushed back... Tom: Ugh. Me now cave-bot. Grunt. "Xena please wake up," Gabrielle whispered. *A moment later some colour started to go back to her face and *her breathing started to increase. Joel: In that she was dead before and wasn't exactly breathing. *Then she opened her eyes very slowly. * *"Xena are you alright?" Gabrielle said while she hugged her. Crow: Of course I'm okay! I was just brought back from the dead, and you're about to send me back! Let go! *"I'm fine Gabrielle," Xena said. Tom: Xena: Princess Of Understatement. *"I'll go tell the others that you're alright," Gabrielle said *getting up. And left the room quickly to tell the others. She *found them in the tavern at the inn and went to them. Crow: So Xena's lying there dead and everyone else is boozing it up at the tavern? Typical. *"Gabrielle how is Xena?" asked Joxer Tom: She's dead, damn you! Dead! *"She's fine she just woke up. I thought it was a good idea to *let all of you to know that," she said. Joel: Wow, how considerate. *"Let's go talk to her," Iolaus said. * *"All right lets," Sinbad said. Crow: Don't you think you're rushing things? *Everyone except Bryn got up and followed Gabrielle. Tom: Trust Bryn to be the party-pooper. *"I'm going to check on Dermott again then I'll met you up *there," Bryn said. Joel: Check on Dermott's basting? Tom: Okay, you've been obsessed with roast Dermott ever since the fanfic began. Any reasons why? Joel: I missed breakfast. Intermission... Crow took that moment to get up from the theatre. " I'll be back in a moment, guys!" he called over his shoulder. True to his word, he appeared in a few moments, bearing a foil-wrapped package. " We stopped the fanfic for you," Tom said. " What did you do?" " I had Gypsy make you a sandwich," Crow said, giving the package to Joel. He opened it to find a pastrami sandwich on rye with pickles and Dijon mustard. " Just the way I like it!" he said. " Gosh, thanks Crow!" " Just remember you owe me," Crow said. " Ick, don't eat that thing next to me--it smells!" Back To The Fanfic.... *"Alright but be careful," Sinbad said. Crow: You never know what dangers you can face when you step outside a tavern. *"Don't worry I will," Bryn said and walked out the front door. *And headed toward the edge of the woods. Crow: NOOOO!! BRYN! DON'T DO IT! IT'S A TRAP! *"You did good," came a voice and a man stepped into the moon *light with a struggling Bryn. Crow: Too late. Tom: You did real good. Y'hear? Joel: I think we did that joke already. Tom: An oldie but a goody. *"Thank you brother," the lady said. * *"No thank you I wouldn't have been able to get her if you *weren't here," he said. Crow: Awww, a Kodak moment. [TM] *"Now get back to the palace I want some time alone with Bryn," *he said while laughing a wicked laugh. Joel: Let me guess, he wants to play Scrabble? Crow: Scrabble and Boggle [TM]--The official games of depraved super-villains! *"Yes brother," she said with a laugh. * ******************************************************************** Crow: Um, me eat fud now. Ugh. Me cave-bot. Mmmmmfud. Tom: We both cave-bots! Joel: Okay, guys, enough with the "cave-bot" routine. The snow looks like it's lightening up. Maybe the sun will come out.. Tom & Crow: [Singing] The sun come out tomorrow...ugh... tomorrow... *"How are you felling?" Hercules asked Crow: Okay I guess--unless you count the fact that I'm not chopping trees. Tom: Egyptlogic has a problem with putting mixing up her double "L"s with double "E"s, notice? Joel: Yeah. First "knelling" and now "felling". I hope she doesn't expand into other consonants/vowels what would be next in her reign of teroor... Tom: What? Joel: It was a joke! "Terror", "teroor"...oh, never mind. *"I have a headache but I'll live," Xena said while trying to get *up. Joel: DARN! *"Oh no you don't you stay right there," Hercules said. Crow: Now I have you where I want you! Heh heh heh... *"Hercules you should know by now that you shouldn't baby me," *Xena said. Tom: I don't wanna get up! I don't wanna! *There at the window Dermott appeared and started squawking like *crazy. Crow & Tom: :::waiting expectantly::: Joel: What? Oh. Yeah. Since I had that sandwich, I'm not hungry any more. So that's the end of "eating Dermott" jokes. Crow: I feel strangely empty now. *"What is it Dermott?" Sinbad asked the bird. Tom: What is it, boy? You say little Timmy fell down a thirty-two-feet by six feet wide well, and that he has fifteen fractures, two broken ribs and a third degree concussion? *Dermott gave Sinbad a vision of Bryn being taken by a man. While *having her mouth gagged. Then Sinbad turned toward the others *and said. "I'll be right back." Joel: [As Sinbad] I've got to see a man about a horse. *"Wait where are you going little brother," asked Doubar. Crow: I think he's old enough to go tot the little boy's room with out supervision, Doubar. *"Just going out for a quick walk Doubar," he said. And quickly *left. Tom: What is it with Sinbad never wanting any back-up? Crow: [singing] Macho, macho man..... *When he got outside he called Dermott and yelled, "Dermott show *me the way." Joel: [As Sinbad] Because I refuse to stop and ask directions! Crow: [As Bryn] men! *And the hawk showed him the way through a path and brought *Sinbad to a field where he heard muffled screams. When he saw *the path and all the terrible spots he knew he needed help. Tom: He needed...Clearasil! [TM] Joel: Do you think you've put in enough product placements? Tom: I'm paying our way out of here, buddy. Joel: Buy! Buy! Buy! *So he ran without stopping back to the inn and burst into the *room where he startled everyone except Xena. Crow: You see, he's *still* not wearing any pants. *He then said, "Bryn was taken by a man and we need to go after *her and I think he had something to do with the sorceress." Everyone: DUH!!! Crow: We figured that out at the beginning of the fic! Tom: Or at least at the start of the plot, which are two very different things. *At that everyone started getting ready. When Xena saw Joxer *about ready to go she said, "Hey Joxer why don't you stay here *and keep the villagers safe." Crow: [As Xena] This will keep him out of our way. ::evil laughter:: *"Alright," he reluctantly said. Tom: [as Joxer] Awwww, maaaaan..... *Within a few minutes everyone was ready to go. And followed *Sinbad through the woods and Dermott when they came to the *bottom of the mountain. Joel: Where did this mountain suddenly appear from? *A couple times they were attacked by soldiers. Tom: But they were no sweat... *But didn't waste much time on them. They finally made it to the *top of the mountain a few hours before sunrise. Crow: Okay, this is a huge mountain that suddenly sprang up out of nowhere. Couldn't the writer have at least bothered to describe the scenery? Tom: But that would make the story make sense. Crow: True. And we can't have that, can we. *And snuck their way in and followed the screams coming from the *dungeon. Joel: Now the mountain has dungeons! Tom: And they snuck into the mountain. They have talent. Crow: It's not that hard to snuck. You just have to be able to ignore any and all rules of english. *"You will marry me and that's final!" yelled a man's voice Tom: [As Sinbad] Never! Oops, he wasn't talking to me, was he? "And I'm telling you I won't!" yelled Bryn. Crow: So there! Na na nana na! *"Enough of this, Guard!" cried the man. Crow: [As guard] but it wasn't MY fault! *"Yes sir" asked the guard. * *"Cut Bryn's bread and water in half and no excuses." said the *man. Joel: OOOOO! This is definitely one tough hombre. Wouldn't want to mess with him. He might make me write an essay on my bad behaviour! Tom: You sound like you have experience. *Then they heard the dungeons door open and close and heavy *footsteps coming closer. And a man stepped around the corner *with a mean expression on his face. Then Sinbad jumped and *tackled him to the ground. Then lifted him up. * *"Take us to Bryn! NOW!!" Sinbad yelled. Crow: But we're not being pushy or anything. *"No" the man said. Joel: Now what, Sinbad? *"Say goodnight then," Sinbad said and knocked him out cold. Tom: Ah, cheesy one-liners. The perfect excuse to writing meaningful dialogue. *"Let's go," Sinbad said and started the way the man came from. * *Luckily there weren't very many guards except for two at the *dungeons door. Sinbad grabbed the keys and unlocked the dungeon *door. And found Bryn chained to the wall with a few bruises. Joel: Only a few bruises? If she's so unhurt, why didn't she break herself out? Tom: Because she was so weakened by her minutes without half her ration of bread and water. *Then Sinbad ran over and unchained her. She was unconscious so *Sinbad had to carefully lifted her up. Joel: Oh, she was unconscious. Wait a minute--if she was unconscious, then how could "the man" talk to her?! Crow: There's no point discussing continuity this far in. It's useless. *"Alright let's find the sorceress now," Hercules said Tom: [As Hercules] and let's kick some serious butt! *But was to late as a green light appeared and a woman stood *where the green light disappeared. Tom: [As Hercules] Aw, man! I was looking forward to some serious butt-kicking. All I've kicked so far is extras! *"Rongor take Bryn and keep her safe," Sinbad said. Crow: Yeah, Rongor! Do as you're told! *The moor came over and took Bryn out of Sinbad's arms and *headed out the door. * *"Don't be afraid I am the sorceress but I wasn't the one who *attacked the village it was my cousins who took over the village *and locked me up. I was able to escape and I took care of my *cousins. And for now on I will take better care of the village *than I just to so go on and be careful. Crow: That's it? These mysterious "cousins" are responsible for everything? How con-ven-ient. Too nicely convenient... *A FEW DAYS LATER Joel: That's odd...it felt like much *longer* than that... Tom: That's because one moment reading this fanfic is worth seven moments doing something more enjoyable--like having a root canal. ************************************************** Crow: Hey...I think the snow IS lightening up a bit...we're saved!!! *"Thanks for your help Sinbad and I thank your crew too," *Hercules said. Tom: [As Hercules] Even though you were all technically useless. *"Till we meet again," Sinbad said. Crow: Which will be too soon. *"Joxer thanks for your help but a real hero doesn't brag so *much," said Gabrielle. Tom: Yeah, Joxer! Stop standing there in the corner being quiet! You're such a braggart! *"Bye guys," Gabrielle said. Before She and Xena were out of *sight. Joel: Yay! I've been waiting for that the whole fanfic. *"Bryn take it easy for awhile and be careful." said Iolaus. Crow: Those few bruises could turn out to be deadly if they're not checked regularly. *"You be careful to," said Bryn before they left. Joel: Careful to what? Tom: We'll never know. Crow: Good. That's the way it should be. In fact, we shouldn't have to know anything in this fanfic beyond the words: "The Sorceress By Egyptlogic". *Into the sun rise. Crow: The sun has come out! The snow has stopped! We can finally regain the rest of civilization... Tom: Such as it is. *The End.. All: HOORAY!!! Later, exiting the theatre, Joel remarked to Crow, "As cross-over fanfics go, that one was really dumb." " You're telling me? Or should I say you're `teeling' me? Ha ha." " Very funny. No, I mean it. It was really badly thought out." Joel continued, sighing at Crow's pun. " I know what you mean," said Tom. " It was basically a vehicle for the three shows, even though the plot really only needed one." " So you think the story may have been better with only one set of characters?" Crow asked. " Yeah. That way, the author could have developed the plot and the villains more, without having to take up so much time writing the interaction between the `heroes'." Joel analyzed. " Wow, thanks for that insightful look into the psyche of the story, Dr. Freud. I think I what it is that I want is to go forget all that interaction. I feel sick." Crow groused. " The story wasn't *that* bad," Tom said. " I know--but Joel's sandwich threw my stomach out of sorts, and I haven't recovered. Excuse me, I need to visit the little bots' room." " Speaking of characters..." Joel said with a smile, as they headed off... The REAL End...... Hallelujah and Hooray!