This MSTing is a product of Saf&Dy Productions Inc.  This
MSTing was written by Saf, but Dy was there in spirit...yeah,
that's it...
Copywrite blah blah blah AoS Hercules Xena Mystery Science Theatre yadda yadda yadda....
Remember: we support free speech on the internet as it applies
to our right to say whatever the hell we feel like.

	" Do we have to go read that fanfic?  Do we have to read
it right this minute?" Crow T. Robot griped.  " I don't feel
well.  I have a headache."
	" Stop whining and get in the theatre," Joel Robinson
replied, giving Crow a small kick in the theatre's direction.
	" But I don't wanna!!!" Crow yelled, like a small child.
Joel booted him again. 

	In the theatre, the lights dimmed, and the credits began
rolling by on the screen...

*The Sorceress
*By Egyptlogic

Crow: Logic? Is that a misnomer, or what?

Joel: The fanfic hasn't even started yet, Crow.

Crow: Your point?

Tom: I don't think he has one.
*A man in a purple vest ran up the dock trying to find the
*Nomad.  When he found it he ran into a man. "Are you Sinbad the
*sailor?" he asked out of breath.

Crow: [As Sinbad] No, I'm Sinbad the Butcher! That's what the
sword is for!

Tom: [As Sinbad] I'm Sinbad the Calvin Klein model.  Just be.

*"I am," Sinbad said.

Crow: Duh.

*"I have this message for Bryn," the man said.

Joel: It was *supposed* to get here three days ago, but the
Post Office isn't the way it used to be...

Crow: You mean it actually gets stuff on time now?!?

Joel: I take that back.  It's the way it ALWAYS was!

*"Alright I'll go get her," Sinbad said and went aboard the ship
*in search of Bryn. He went below deck towards her cabin and

Tom: Heads together.  Hopefully one is the writer...

Crow: His heels together three times while saying "There's no place like 

*"Come in," Bryn said. Sinbad opened the door, "There is a
*man with a message that needs to speak with you," he said.

Joel: Turns out you've maxed your credit cards again, and this guy "Joey" is 
out for blood...

Tom: Or at least your kneecaps.

*Up on deck

Crow: As opposed to underwater...

Tom: Or on the moon...

*She looked at the man and said, "Iolaus?!" with surprise. 

Crow: I told you never to come see me! It was only a one time thing!

*"What's wrong?" Bryn said while walking down to him.
*"Hercules sent me to give this to you," Iolaus said handing her
*the message which said...

Crow: Thank you for trying out for the lead in the off-off-off Broadway
production of "The Phantom of the Opera", however, the skills we required are
singing, not swashbuckling or "sensing evil".

Tom: Hey, Mariah, it's your agent, sweetie.  Look, it turns out they turned 
your request down for a role on ST: Voyager.  Seems that they already have a 
violent chick in skintight clothing; sorry.

*'Bryn we need your help we are going against a sorceress who
*is trying to kill the villagers around Loral. We need your help

Crow: That Sorceress has stolen all their punctuation!  How diabolical!

Tom: And she's switched their quotations marks! Pure evil!

*"Sinbad!" Bryn called. Within moments Sinbad was at Bryn side.

Joel: Like starboard or port, but more revealing...

Crow: I'll say! 

*"What's wrong?" he asked.

Tom: [As Bryn] Dammit, I got turned down AGAIN! I'm STUCK here!

*"Read this" she said. Sinbad read the message than looked up and
*asked, "Do you know who this sorceress is?"

Tom: Of course I do! As it happens, we went to school together!

*"No we don't know who she is but she keeps turning up and kills
*anyone she sees" Iolaus said.

Joel: We're running through extras like you wouldn't believe!

*"Looks like we have another adventure," Sinbad said 

Crow: Ah, damn! Not another one!

Tom: We just washed the ship, too...

*as he turned toward the Nomad. "Doubar, Rongar, Firouz get ready
*to go," he said.

Joel: How can they get ready to go? Aren't they already on the ship?

*Within minutes everyone was ready to go.

Joel: See, didn't take any time at all.

Crow: Too bad this fanfic can't say the same!

*Sometime later....
*"Iolaus," Bryn said, "Did Hercules just send for us or did he
*ask some other people to help?"

Tom: Are we special? Or just another two-bit hack hero routine?

Crow: A little from Column A, and little from Column B...

Tom: They're special?!

Crow: As in "special needs".

*"Oh no we also sent for Xena and Gabrielle" answered Iolaus

Joel: "Oh no" is right!

*"Do you guys know Xena and Gabrielle?" he asked.

Tom: [As Bryn] Yeah, we all went to the same High School! Class of 345 AD!

*"No I don't think we've meet them" answered Sinbad.
*"All right I'll tell you about them and what you need to
*keep in mind about them."

Joel: Such as they are armed, dangerous, psychotic, and unable to punctuate 
like the rest of us.


Crow: A high pressure system moving in meaning a 75% chance of flurries..

*"Xena!" came a familiar voice. "Xena wait up!"

Tom: These heels are murder!

*"Oh great it's Joxer," said Gabrielle walking a little faster.

Crow: That guy is, like, such a *dweeb*...he's going to give me cooties!

*"Hey guys wait up I have a message for you!" said Joxer.

Tom: [As Gabrielle] Oo, is it a candy-gram? If it isn't, I'll just have to beat you up.

*"What is it Joxer?" asked Xena.
*"Here, it's a message from Hercules" Joxer said as he tossed
*the scroll to Xena. As Xena read the scroll Gabrielle asked

Joel: Asked him what?

Crow: Whether or not he had his cootie shot...

Tom: [singing] Circle circle, dot dot, now I have my cootie shot!

*"How do you know Hercules?"

Tom: Yeah, class of...

Joel: These graduation jokes are wearing thin.

Crow: So's the fanfic, notice?

Joel: How could I not?

*"I was passing by a village and he just told me to deliver this 
*message to you."

Tom: He also said that if I delivered it in less than thirty minutes, I'd get 
free garlic bread!

*"Which village?" asked Gabrielle
*"Loral" answered Xena.

Tom: That clears that up.

*"How long will it take us to get there?" Gabrielle asked
*"Around sunset" answered Xena
*"Well what are we waiting for let's go" Gabrielle said.

Joel: What we're waiting for is your shipment of commas to come in...


Crow: The storm has now intensified to blizzard conditions.  Stay in your 
homes...repeat, do not venture out to read lame fanfics...

Tom: Why don't we practise what you preach?

*"There's Loral," said Iolaus.

Joel: That was quick.

Crow: InstaWalk!  Just say where you want to go and *poof*! You're there!

Tom: Home...Home...Home..  Hey! Nothing's working! You lied to me! LIED!

Crow: Disclaimer: this product can only be used by writers who can't be 
bothered to write in a walking scene...

Tom: I hate the fine print.

*"Where are we supposed to meet Hercules at?" asked Bryn.
*"Well he's right there. Hey Herc!!" Iolaus yelled.

Joel: Couldn't you see him? I mean, he's three feet in front of you!

*Then a tall man turned around and saw them, and ran over
*and said, "Why don't you take them to the tavern I'll stay out
*here to keep the people under control and wait for Xena and
*Gabrielle then we will talk," Hercules said.

Crow: Yeah...*talk* ::smacks palm into fist::: I've been meaning to have a 
*talk* with you, Xena...

*"Alright see you there" Iolaus said. "Ok let's go"


Crow: There is now a major blizzard in effect--the country is blanketed by 
fifteen feet of snow...drifts are reaching up to five stories...this is a 
national disaster...

Tom: Better call in some celebrities to do a charity song...

Joel: [Singing] The pipes are all a'freezing, and the children all are 
sneezing...we all get up to say, help us all today, we're living in a hellish 
snowing land...

Crow & Tom: [clapping] Bravo! Bravo! Encore, encore!

Joel: Awww, thanks.

Crow: Michael Jackson couldn't have done it any better.

Tom: But he could have done it a lot worse...

Crow: No kidding.

Joel: Back to the fanfic, guys!

Crow: Awwww, do we have to?

Joel: Yep.  Otherwise you don't get any dessert...

*"I thought we'd never get here," said Gabrielle.

Tom: I was hoping you wouldn't.

*"It was only a three hour walk," said Xena.

Crow: Yeah! Pull yourself together! You're such a WIMP, Gabrielle.

*"Xena!! Gabrielle!!" yelled Hercules. They looked out toward the 
*field, saw him, then started walking toward him.
*"Hercules it's good to see you," Gabrielle said.

Crow: The feeling is not mutual!

*"It's good to see you to Gabrielle you to Xena," Hercules said.

Tom: Wha...? `Good to see you to Gabrielle you to Xena'? Is that even an 
english sentence structure? 

Crow: Well, c'mon, it goes with the lack of english punctuation.

Tom: That's true, but still.

Joel: We're still waiting for the shipload of commas...

Crow: [Singing] One day our commas will come...

*"Joxer thanks for getting them."

Tom: You did good work, my pet.  You can have your free garlic bread now...

*"Hey no problem they good friends of mine."

Crow: They good friends of mine! Me have problem speaking!

*"We need to meet Iolaus at the tavern," he finished.

Joel: If only they were lucky enough to finish Iolaus at the tavern.

Tom: It's more like "if WE are lucky enough to finish with Iolaus at the 
tavern" !

Joel: That's what I meant.

*"Well let's go" said Gabrielle.

Crow: Is that like her catch phrase or something?


Crow: The weather has not yet let up.  The snowbanks are now high enough to 
stop people from leaping to their death from their apartment balconies...

*"So then what happened?" asked Firouz.

Crow: Well, first I won the "Most Useless And Annoying Sidekick" prize, but 
then I lost it to Dermott.

*"Well then Hercules choked the hydra until it's was dead"
*finished Iolaus.

Tom: That'll learn it.

*"You tell stories real good, what happened?" asked Bryn.

Crow: Real good, y'all hear me? Real good.  Aww, shucks.

*"Well you know how I told you that Gabrielle is a good bard,
*she told me how to make a good story without adding unimportant
*parts and making it more realistic," Iolaus answered. 

Tom: Why, oh why couldn't the writer have listened to her own advice?

*"And here she is now," Iolaus said.

Joel: Let's give her a big round of applause.

Crow:  A
     E   P
    S     P
     U   L

*And the Nomad crew turned toward the door. And saw a girl
*with sandy coloured hair and a green top. With a nicely
*decorated staff.

Tom: [As Gabrielle] I got all of my outfit at the Gap! Khakis groove!

*The woman behind her had dark hair and dressed in leather
*with a sword and a round thing on her belt.

Crow: Mmmmmleather.  :::drools:::

Joel: Crow....

*"Xena, Gabrielle over here!" yelled Iolaus

Tom: [As Xena] Duh, I can see that, foolish mortal!

Crow: Off with his head!

Joel: Amen!

*The two women saw them and started walking toward them.

Crow: As opposed to rollerblading.

Joel: Rollerblades weren't invented then.

Crow: That's what you think!  "Wheeled Boots!" Courtesy Firouz Enterprises, 

*"Iolaus it's good to see you," said Gabrielle as she gave
*him a quick hug.

Crow: I wonder if he's *really* happy to see her too...

Joel: Crow...

*"You to Gabrielle and you Xena," said Iolaus

Tom: Pawn to E4 and...

Crow: And Queen to my bedroom...rrrrrr ::makes growling noises:::

Joel: :::sigh::::

*"Ok let's introduce everyone," said Hercules

Tom: This is Sandy, our vacation supervisor...

*"I'm Hercules and this is Xena and Gabrielle and this is Sinbad,
*Bryn, Doubar, Rongar, Firouz and Joxer. And you all know
*Iolaus," said Hercules.

Crow; Yes, but's not the REAL Iolaus! He's an IMPOSTOR!

Tom: Gasp!

*"You're Sinbad THE sailor!" said a shocked Gabrielle.

Tom: [As Gabrielle] You're not wearing any pants!

Crow: [As Sinbad] It's Sinbad the Sailor SIR to rabble scum like you!

*"Yes," Sinbad answered.

Crow: Yes, I am not wearing any pants.

*"Where is Dermott?" she asked curiously.

Joel: We ate him.

*"He's out flying around" answered Bryn.

Crow: Fly, little one! Be FREE!

*"Well it must be some sorceress if almost every hero is here," 

Joel: [As Hercules] We tried to get the Fantastic Four but they were busy, so 
we had to get you hacks instead.

*said Gabrielle as she got a chair and sat next to Iolaus and *Joxer.

Crow: I thought she hated the two of them?

Tom: She hates Joxer...she *likes* Iolaus...

Crow: [As Iolaus] Who's hand is on my thigh? Oh, Gabrielle, I thought you just 
wanted to be *friends*...

*"Well since I'm here you guys don't have to worry about a
*thing," said Joxer with that silly grin of his. 

Joel: Uh oh, Joxer's been into the *magic powder* again...

*At that point he jumped and stood on the chair seat and yelled 

Crow: Kill the damn thing! Kill it! Kill it! We want blood!

Tom: I represent RLSFPOCTMBILJ...and we feel this scene is in poor taste.


Tom: Royal Loral Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Mice By Idiots Like 

Joel: A worthy cause.  I'd like to make a donation.

*Gabrielle took her staff and put it down by the mouse. Then the
*mouse walked onto her staff as she lift it up she said.

Crow: So she only *said* she lifted it?

Joel: I don't know about you, but if some scary huge chick put a staff down 
next to me, I wouldn't walk on it.

Crow: Would you run like the sissy you are?

Joel: You bet.
*"It's so cute. Don't worry I'll take it outside and let it run
*off" At that point Gabrielle turned and walked out the back door
*and came back a little later. 

Tom: Hey! What happened to the missing time?

Crow: What missing time?

Tom: How long does it take to put a mouse outside?

Crow: I see.  What then do you suppose she was doing?

Tom: Did anybody keep track of Iolaus....?

*When she sat down she said, "Is the food good? I'm starving"

Joel: We're been through this already.  It's Dermott!

Crow: With potatoes on the side?

Joel: Nope...Stove Top Stuffing!!

Crow: Yay! ::cheers:::


Crow: Guys...I don't think we can make it any more...the snow still isn't 
letting up...our supplies are low...

Tom: You mean...?

Crow: Yes! We're out of Cheez Whiz!

Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  Our nachos will be bare!

Joel: Guys, if the snow continues and I don't make it, I give you permission 
to eat me...

Crow: Did you honestly think that we'd ask your permission?

Tom: Did you honestly think we'd wait until you died?

*"Guard!" called a woman.

Crow: Coming....

Joel: Crow...

*A guard walked in and knelled in front of the woman.

Tom: If it's one thing I hate, it's knelling.

Joel: So hard on the knees...I've ruined so many pairs of pants doing that...

Crow: It's the `in front of the woman' bit I'm interested in.

Joel: We saw that *coming*...

Crow: Joel!

Joel: You can't have ALL the good sex jokes!

*"Yes my mistress"

Crow: Mine! Mine! I call dibs!

Tom: Too late, it's over.

Crow: Awww, man...

*"Send a dozen of guards and attack Hercules and his friends!"

Tom: And twenty four long stem roses...

*"I don't care what you have to do but give me a bit of Xena's
*blood" said the woman.

Joel: I wonder if they're the same type...

Crow: Maybe she's a vampire.  Maybe this isn't just a Sinbad, Xena and 
Hercules cross-over, but a Buffy the Vampire Slayer cross too.

Tom: [As Buffy] Oh Angel, I know you're evil and all, but you're just so buff 
I can't bear to kill you!

*"Yes ma'am"

Crow: I can't hear you!  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! 

Tom: Get down and give me twenty!



*"So Gabrielle how did you do at the bards academy," asked

Tom: Well, first I won the class award for "Most Likely To Become Annoying", 
then I got picked up by my professor...mostly I went to huge parties.

*"Same as always first place," answered Gabrielle.

Joel: Some things never change.

Crow: Except this fanfic, it's becoming even MORE incomprehensible...

*"And which stories did you tell?" asked Hercules.

Joel: [As Gabrielle] Well, there was that one about Jesus, Buddha and Confucius in the bar...

*"Well there were three stories. One was when Xena and I met
*Pandora, When I became an Amazon Princess, and last but the best
*is when you and Xena went and saved Prome- Xena what is it?"
*asked Gabrielle when she saw Xena suddenly became tensed.

Tom: Present or future?

Joel: Pluperfect ablative [passive voice].

Crow: I hate it when you speak in tongues!

*"Gabrielle get your staff ready," Xena said.

Tom: [As Xena] You'll definitely need your personal assistant for this one.

*"Why?" asked Gabrielle.

Crow:  Because I TOLD you to, dammit!

*"YOU!" cried a soldier.

Joel: ME!

Tom: NO, ME!!!

Crow: That's where you're both wrong! ME!!!

*At that everyone looked at the soldier.

Tom: ::whispered::: Omigod, does he have something stuck between his teeth?!

*"Sinbad and his crew, Xena and Hercules and their sidekicks"
*said the soldier.

Joel: Gosh, is it so hard to write out: Sinbad, Bryn, Rongar, Doubar, Firouz, 
Hercules, Iolaus, Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer? Plus assorted extras?

Tom: Don't forget Dermott.

Joel: And Dermott?

*"Let's see if your reputations are true" the soldier continued.

Crow: [as Soldier] Is it true, Sinbad, that you and Rongar are an item?

Tom: [As Sinbad] It's absolutely you can see, Rongar isn't wearing 
any pants either.

*Right there everyone got up and got their weapons out. And was
*ready for a fight. 


Joel: Hmmmm, who should I bet on? Oh, what the heck, I'm going for the Evil 

*Then the soldiers attacked and started going after the ten of
*them. But instead of spreading out they all went after Xena.

Crow: Hey..wait a minute.  If they all started going after the `ten of them', 
wouldn't that be spreading out?

Tom: You're expecting continuity?!

Crow: This was written by EgyptLOGIC, you know.

Joel: You already made fun of that on the first page, Crow.

Crow: Oh yeah....

*When Hercules saw this he quickly jumped to the three closest
*soldiers and started kicking and punching. Then the rest of the
*soldiers spread out but some were still going toward Xena.

Crow: Go Herc!!!

Joel: Go evil henchmen!!!

*Then the fighting started to really start 

Tom: Then what was all the kicking and punching?

Crow: Preliminaries...

*out and get vicious Xena kicked, punched, and flipped every now
*and then. 

Joel: Just for the hell out it; it's didn't actually help at all.

Crow: [As Xena] AHHHH! I'm flipping out!

*Till finally a soldier hit a lucky shot 

Tom: Hit a lucky shot? What are they using? Guns?

Crow: Please.  In the great and long tradition of Firouz, it's a `Rod of Iron 
Firing Lead Earwigs'!


Crow: Do you know how hard it is to come up with good acronyms on the spur of 
the moment?!?!?!?

*and made a tiny scratch enough for Xena to bleed onto his sword
*and called out "ENOUGH we got what we want!!" All the soldiers
*backed off and ran toward the door.

Crow: [As Xena] They had their fill of us then just threw us away!

*"What was that about?" asked Gabrielle as she walked to Xena.
*"Who knows?" said Xena.

Joel: Wow...the writer *must* have been commenting on their fanfic...

Joel: You try and chew on me, Crow, and I'll turn you into scrap metal so fast 
you'll think you're in a time warp!

Tom: I think you really hurt him, Crow...he screamed in caps!

Crow: But our supplies are gone! There's not even any way of getting out now,
in the snow....we'll starve!

Tom: But look at it this way...if we starve, we won't have to put up with this 
dumb fanfic...

Crow: Yeah...I guess so...

*"Your highness," said the guard.

Joel: We couldn't get "The First Wives Club" so we rented "Scream XXXI" 
[starring Courtney Cox's grand daughter Courtney III].

Crow: The reviews for that were supposed to be really good.

Joel: Compared to the other "Scream" movies, so that's not saying much.

*"We have Xena's blood ma'am."

Tom: We also picked up some free garlic bread!

*"Wonderful where is it?" asked the woman

Crow: I want my garlic bread NOW!

*"Right here on my sword," said the guard

Joel: My arms were full, so I had to spear the bread to take it with us.

*"Give it here and leave me," the woman said.

Crow: I hate when people watch me eat!

Tom: I hate watching you eat, so we shouldn't run into any problems.

*"Yes ma'am," and the guard left.

Joel: Oh so trainable, don't you think?  Gee, I *could've* had servants like 

Crow: Well you don't, so quit yer whining!

*"Now let's see if this will work," said the woman.

Tom: If it doesn't I'll just scream!


Crow: So that was her sinister game!  Lure us out into the blizzard with free 
garlic bread then start up the storm again! Oh, she's evil...

*"You know that was a great fight we haven't had a good fight
*since last week," said Gabrielle.

Joel: Gosh, we aren't pugilistic, now are we?

Crow: No, we just like to fight a lot.

Joel: Sigh.

Tom: Besides, what was so great about it anyway? Herc beat up three guys, and 
the rest ran away after only a couple minutes.  Sinbad didn't even get 

Crow: What's your point?

Tom: Oh, nothing, I just wanted to mention i.

*"And what about the fight we had yesterday?" asked Xena.
*"Well one look at you and they began to run toward the hills,
*what kind of fight is that?" asked Gabrielle.

Tom: Yeah, I mean, *god*, what a bunch of wimps.  Just because they were 
afraid of getting killed.  Now, in my day, extras weren't afraid of a little 
fight, no sirree...

*"I'd say that was one of our most peaceful fight ever," answered

Joel: Oxymoron alert! Oxymoron alert!

Tom: Yeah, I mean, "peaceful fight" is just stupid.

Joel: That's why they're called "OxyMORONS".

*"Sinbad I'm going to go check on Dermott I'll be right back,"
*said Bryn.

Crow: I think that the spit needs roasting and he might need to be basted 

*"I'll go with you," said Gabrielle who grabbed her staff and
*went after Bryn.

Tom: I want to make sure you do it *just right*.

Crow: [As Gabrielle] And I want to check on the souffle...tell me, Bryn, what 
wine goes with roast hawk?

Tom: [As Bryn] I'd say a hearty and spunky red ought to go with it.

Joel: How can wine be described as "spunky"?

*"Hey Xena I got a gift for Gabby could you tell me if she is
*going to like it? asked Joxer.

Crow: Is it a punch in the nose?

Tom: It's pants.  I went back and read the description of what she's wearing, 
and it says a `girl with sandy coloured hair and a green top. With a nicely 
decorated staff.' I don't see pants anywhere on that list.  This writer has a 
thing for all the characters walking around pantless.

*"Alright Joxer, what is it?" asked Xena.

Crow: It's a Chia Pet [TM] Everybody needs one!


Crow: You know, I've got a theory about this snow storm...I think it's a 
conspiracy by the government...

Tom: Oh really?

Crow: Yes.  They've engineered this freak weather in order to jump-start the 
economy by selling government made snow-mobiles.

Tom: Uh huh.  No more X-files for YOU, young man.

*"Hey Bryn could you tell me something if you can? asked

Joel: [As Bryn] Okay, but my IQ is lower than my shoe size, so I don't know if 
I'll be helpful...

Tom: Not to mention, with this writing, any answers she gives are libel to be 
as incomprehensible as everything else.

*"Sure," said Bryn.

Tom: See! She's agreeing with me.

*"What happened to Meave the woman who was a part of Sinbad's
*crew before you were? asked Gabrielle.

Joel: We ate her too.

Crow: Don't mention food! I'm starving.  :::stomach grumbles::: There, there, 
my pet.  I'll feed you soon.

*"Well let me ask you something, how do you know so much
*about Sinbad and his crew? asked Bryn.

Tom: A little bird told me.

*"There was a girl at the Bard's Academy who met Sinbad and She
*left some scrolls in the Academy's library. And I just happened
*to get my hand's on them." answered Gabrielle.

Joel: She actually bribed the librarian.

Tom: No! Not the librarian! Is nothing sacred?!

*"Well I'm not exactly sure but I think she fell over board 
*during terrible storm. 

Crow: [As Bryn] I had nothing to do with it! Really! You gotta believe me!

*And I think she was saved by her Master Dim-Dim and she is
*someplace under Dim-Dim's protection." answered Bryn.

Crow: Yeah, that's it, yeah...

*"There he is. Dermott!!" called Bryn. And the magnificent bird
*glided down gracefully onto Bryn's arm.

Joel: Quick! Catch him! We've got to get him back on the spit before the fire 
goes out!

*"He's prettier than I thought." said Gabrielle.

Tom: I thought he was damn ugly before, but then I realised how 
majestic he is up close served with gravy...


Crow: Day 135...the snow has not let up.  Half of the men have succumbed to 
the severe cold and/or hunger...the entire camp is beginning to lose hope...

Tom: Beginning?!

*"So do you think she'll like it Xena?" asked Joxer. No reply.

Joel: [As Xena] That question was *so* stupid, I'm just going to ignore you!

*"Xena?" Joxer asked again. With no reply he looked up and saw

Crow: If he had to look UP to see Xena, what was he looking at before?

Joel: Her feet.

Crow: Actually, I think he might have been looking at--


Crow: Okay.  Jeez.  I was just going to say `the ground', that's all.

Joel:  :::deep sigh::

*became limp and she would of fell out her seat if Hercules
*hadn't of caught her.

Tom: `Hadn't of caught her'?  Wow.  Egyptlogic gives a whole new horizon to 

*"Xena?" Hercules said with concern in his voice.

Crow: As opposed to loathing.

Tom: Which is what *we* all feel.

*"Firouz take a look at her," Sinbad said.

Crow: [As Firouz] She looks all right to me...woohoo!

*"Joxer go get Gabrielle and Bryn," said Iolaus.

Joel: We wouldn't want them to miss out on the fun.

*"Alright," said Joxer. And ran toward the door in search of
*Gabrielle and Bryn.

Tom: Can't he see them? They're right in front of the door!

Crow: Joxer is not exactly the swiftest bunny in the forest.

Tom: I think that's a bit of an understatement.

Joel: A BIT?!

*"Well I don't know what's wrong she not unconscious and she's
*didn't faint, I'm not sure," said Firouz.

Tom: [As Firouz] They didn't cover anything like this in Baghdad's Med School!

*Right then Joxer, Gabrielle and Bryn came in. Gabrielle ran to
*Xena and said, "Xena come on wake up."

Joel: I don't think Gabrielle's a swift bunny either.

Crow: I know.  I mean, DUH--that's the FIRST thing Firouz would have tried, 
and he's five times the doctor character you are, you hack!

Tom: I believe Crow has a bias regarding Firouz and Gabrielle.

Joel: And your first clue was?

*While Bryn walked over to Sinbad and asked, "Sinbad what

Joel: [As Sinbad] Well....

*"We aren't sure she just became limp all the sudden."

Joel: [As Sinbad] Yeah, that's it!

*"Let me take a look at her," she said to Gabrielle.

Tom: She can't be any more useless than Gabrielle.

Crow: Can anybody?

*"Please do" Gabrielle said. Bryn took one look at her
*and she knew what was wrong. "I think I know what's wrong," she

Joel: Talk about redundancy.

Crow: This entire story is one giant redundancy!

*"What's wrong with her?" asked Joxer.
*"She is under a spell by the Sorceress," she said

Tom: How the hell could she figure that out just by looking at her?!

Joel: She *sensed* it. That's her big talent, remember?

Tom: I thought that was just limited to *sensing* evil.

Joel: She's expanding her role.

*"What kind of spell is it," asked Hercules.

Crow: [As Bryn] What? You expect me to know EVERYTHING?!

*"Oh she'll be fine but we need to take her to a cout and
*get the sorceress," she said.

Tom: [As Hercules] You didn't answer my question, mortal scum.

Crow: What's a cout?

Joel: It's what you knell on.

*"Iolaus go find a room at one of the inns" Hercules said.

Crow: [As Iolaus] Oh, Herc, do you really think this is the time or the place?

*"Right," said Iolaus.

Crow: I guess so.

*"The spell is just to make her fall asleep and she won't wakeup
*until the sorceress takes it off or if she is killed," Bryn

Joel: But if she's killed, she won't be waking up, will she?

*"I found a room!" called Iolaus.

Tom: [As Iolaus] It was right where I left it!

Joel: You always find things in the last place you look.

*When Hercules heard him. He gently lifted Xena. With Gabrielle
*right next to him, and the rest of them following.

Crow: Let's have a parade! I'll throw confetti!


Crow: Day 10, 789....the snow *still* hasn't let up.  The men are becoming 
unstable...they've resorted to making snow angels to relieve the tension..

*"Yes it worked!" cried the woman.

Crow: I figured out the recipe to the secret sauce they use on Big Mac's!

*"Ma'am there is someone who want's to see you," said the guard.

Crow: It's Ronald McDonald, and his gang of underworld thugs, out for revenge!

*"Send them in," said the lady.
*"Yes ma'am," said the guard.
*"This is going to be good," the lady said laughing.

Tom: Will she still be laughing when the "hamburgular" breaks her kneecaps?

*The door suddenly opened and a man stepped in.

Joel: The one armed-man?

*"Sister I told you not to attack that and not put a spell on
*Xena. I said that if anyone was going to put a spell on someone 
*it was going to be me," the man said.

Crow: Yeah, spoilsport!!

*"I was only trying to help," said the lady.

Tom: Sure you were, lady, *sure* you were.

*"Well take your spell off Xena and leave everything to to me,"
*said the man.

Joel: You are getting will leave everything in my control....

Crow: ZZZZZZZ  *...I will leave everything under your control...*

Joel: Hey! It worked!  You will stop making rude comments during this 

Crow: *...I will stop making--I WILL NOT!!!

Joel: Damn.

*"Well tell me your plan than I will take my spell off Xena,"
*said the lady.

Tom: I'm not doing anything until you are!

*"All right, a few years ago I was in love with Bryn and she
*didn't love me so I told her that one day I was going to claim
*her as mine. 

Crow: I don't have any problems with the word "no", what are you talking 

*When I made that threat to her she said I would have to find
*someone else to pick on. 

Tom: Don't you hate it when people refuse to give in to threats?

*I told her that if I do fall in love with someone else I won't
*bother her but since I didn't fall in love I'm going to go after

Joel: [As Bryn] Oh, so I'm just a back-up plan, then, huh?

Tom: Boy, this guy isn't determined at all, is he?

Joel: Using that reckoning, he's not stupid, either.

*And force her to love me and marry me. 

Crow: That's not difficult at all. *Jeez*...

*So in other words I'm going after Bryn and that's all I want."
*he said. 

Joel: Yeah, you kinda made that clear.

*"Now take your spell off Xena. Then while everyone is checking
*on her than I'll quickly mist in grab Bryn and mist out again
*before she could scream." he said.

Crow: Because she screams so loudly and piercingly it hurts my ears!

*"That's a great plan brother and I'll help you all I can." said
*the lady.

Joel: Oh yeah--it's a great plan if you ignore its obvious faults.

Crow: Such as it's stupid and chauvinistic?

Joel: Exactly.

Tom: One question...if the whole thing was to get Bryn, why did they bother 
drugging Xena?

Crow: For the same reason this dumb fanfic was written?

Tom: A sadistic urge to make us suffer?

Crow: Exactly.


Crow: Day 1,000,000,000,000,002.  Creatures have began evolving to adapt to 
the new climate on Earth...Mastodons and sabre-tooth tigers have 
re-emerged...humans have been pushed back...

Tom: Ugh.  Me now cave-bot.  Grunt.

"Xena please wake up," Gabrielle whispered.

*A moment later some colour started to go back to her face and
*her breathing started to increase. 

Joel: In that she was dead before and wasn't exactly breathing.

*Then she opened her eyes very slowly.
*"Xena are you alright?" Gabrielle said while she hugged her.

Crow: Of course I'm okay! I was just brought back from the dead, and you're 
about to send me back! Let go!

*"I'm fine Gabrielle," Xena said.

Tom:  Xena: Princess Of Understatement.

*"I'll go tell the others that you're alright," Gabrielle said
*getting up. And left the room quickly to tell the others. She
*found them in the tavern at the inn and went to them.

Crow: So Xena's lying there dead and everyone else is boozing it up at the 
tavern? Typical.

*"Gabrielle how is Xena?" asked Joxer

Tom: She's dead, damn you! Dead!

*"She's fine she just woke up. I thought it was a good idea to
*let all of you to know that," she said.

Joel: Wow, how considerate.

*"Let's go talk to her," Iolaus said.
*"All right lets," Sinbad said.

Crow: Don't you think you're rushing things?

*Everyone except Bryn got up and followed Gabrielle.

Tom: Trust Bryn to be the party-pooper.

*"I'm going to check on Dermott again then I'll met you up
*there," Bryn said.

Joel: Check on Dermott's basting?

Tom: Okay, you've been obsessed with roast Dermott ever since the fanfic 
began.  Any reasons why?

Joel: I missed breakfast.


	Crow took that moment to get up from the theatre. " I'll be back in a 
moment, guys!" he called over his shoulder.  True to his word, he appeared in 
a few moments, bearing a foil-wrapped package.
	" We stopped the fanfic for you," Tom said.  " What did you do?"
	" I had Gypsy make you a sandwich," Crow said, giving the package to 
Joel.  He opened it to find a pastrami sandwich on rye with pickles and Dijon 
	" Just the way I like it!" he said.  " Gosh, thanks Crow!"
	" Just remember you owe me," Crow said.  " Ick, don't eat that thing 
next to me--it smells!"

Back To The Fanfic....

*"Alright but be careful," Sinbad said.

Crow: You never know what dangers you can face when you step outside a tavern.

*"Don't worry I will," Bryn said and walked out the front door. 
*And headed toward the edge of the woods.


*"You did good," came a voice and a man stepped into the moon
*light with a struggling Bryn.

Crow: Too late.

Tom: You did real good.  Y'hear?

Joel: I think we did that joke already.

Tom: An oldie but a goody.

*"Thank you brother," the lady said.
*"No thank you I wouldn't have been able to get her if you
*weren't here," he said.

Crow: Awww, a Kodak moment. [TM]

*"Now get back to the palace I want some time alone with Bryn,"
*he said while laughing a wicked laugh.

Joel: Let me guess, he wants to play Scrabble?

Crow: Scrabble and Boggle [TM]--The official games of depraved super-villains!

*"Yes brother," she said with a laugh.

Crow: Um, me eat fud now.  Ugh.  Me cave-bot.  Mmmmmfud.

Tom: We both cave-bots!

Joel: Okay, guys, enough with the "cave-bot" routine.  The snow looks like 
it's lightening up.  Maybe the sun will come out..

Tom & Crow: [Singing] The sun come out tomorrow...ugh... tomorrow...

*"How are you felling?" Hercules asked

Crow: Okay I guess--unless you count the fact that I'm not chopping trees.

Tom: Egyptlogic has a problem with putting mixing up her double "L"s with 
double "E"s, notice?

Joel: Yeah.  First "knelling" and now "felling".  I hope she doesn't expand 
into other consonants/vowels what would be next in her reign of teroor...

Tom: What?

Joel: It was a joke! "Terror", "teroor"...oh, never mind.

*"I have a headache but I'll live," Xena said while trying to get

Joel: DARN!

*"Oh no you don't you stay right there," Hercules said.

Crow: Now I have you where I want you! Heh heh heh...

*"Hercules you should know by now that you shouldn't baby me,"
*Xena said.

Tom: I don't wanna get up! I don't wanna!

*There at the window Dermott appeared and started squawking like

Crow & Tom: :::waiting expectantly:::

Joel: What? Oh.  Yeah.  Since I had that sandwich, I'm not hungry any more. 
So that's the end of "eating Dermott" jokes.

Crow: I feel strangely empty now.

*"What is it Dermott?" Sinbad asked the bird.

Tom: What is it, boy? You say little Timmy fell down a thirty-two-feet by six 
feet wide well, and that he has fifteen fractures, two broken ribs and a third 
degree concussion?

*Dermott gave Sinbad a vision of Bryn being taken by a man. While
*having her mouth gagged.  Then Sinbad turned toward the others
*and said. "I'll be right back."

Joel: [As Sinbad] I've got to see a man about a horse.

*"Wait where are you going little brother," asked Doubar.

Crow: I think he's old enough to go tot the little boy's room with out 
supervision, Doubar.

*"Just going out for a quick walk Doubar," he said. And quickly

Tom: What is it with Sinbad never wanting any back-up?

Crow: [singing] Macho, macho man.....

*When he got outside he called Dermott and yelled, "Dermott show
*me the way."

Joel: [As Sinbad] Because I refuse to stop and ask directions!

Crow: [As Bryn] men!

*And the hawk showed him the way through a path and brought
*Sinbad to a field where he heard muffled screams. When he saw
*the path and all the terrible spots he knew he needed help. 

Tom: He needed...Clearasil! [TM]

Joel: Do you think you've put in enough product placements?

Tom: I'm paying our way out of here, buddy.

Joel: Buy! Buy! Buy!

*So he ran without stopping back to the inn and burst into the
*room where he startled everyone except Xena.

Crow: You see, he's *still* not wearing any pants.

*He then said, "Bryn was taken by a man and we need to go after
*her and I think he had something to do with the sorceress."

Everyone: DUH!!!

Crow: We figured that out at the beginning of the fic!

Tom: Or at least at the start of the plot, which are two very different 

*At that everyone started getting ready. When Xena saw Joxer
*about ready to go she said, "Hey Joxer why don't you stay here
*and keep the villagers safe."

Crow: [As Xena] This will keep him out of our way.  ::evil laughter::

*"Alright," he reluctantly said.

Tom: [as Joxer] Awwww, maaaaan.....

*Within a few minutes everyone was ready to go. And followed
*Sinbad through the woods and Dermott when they came to the
*bottom of the mountain. 

Joel: Where did this mountain suddenly appear from?

*A couple times they were attacked by soldiers.

Tom: But they were no sweat...

*But didn't waste much time on them. They finally made it to the
*top of the mountain a few hours before sunrise. 

Crow: Okay, this is a huge mountain that suddenly sprang up out of nowhere. 
Couldn't the writer have at least bothered to describe the scenery?

Tom: But that would make the story make sense.

Crow: True.  And we can't have that, can we.

*And snuck their way in and followed the screams coming from the

Joel: Now the mountain has dungeons!

Tom: And they snuck into the mountain.  They have talent.

Crow: It's not that hard to snuck.  You just have to be able to ignore any and 
all rules of english.

*"You will marry me and that's final!" yelled a man's voice

Tom: [As Sinbad] Never! Oops, he wasn't talking to me, was he?

"And I'm telling you I won't!" yelled Bryn.

Crow: So there! Na na nana na!

*"Enough of this, Guard!" cried the man.

Crow: [As guard] but it wasn't MY fault!

*"Yes sir" asked the guard.
*"Cut Bryn's bread and water in half and no excuses." said the *man.

Joel: OOOOO! This is definitely one tough hombre.  Wouldn't want to mess with 
him.  He might make me write an essay on my bad behaviour!

Tom: You sound like you have experience.

*Then they heard the dungeons door open and close and heavy
*footsteps coming closer. And a man stepped around the corner
*with a mean expression on his face. Then Sinbad jumped and
*tackled him to the ground. Then lifted him up.
*"Take us to Bryn! NOW!!" Sinbad yelled.

Crow: But we're not being pushy or anything.

*"No" the man said.

Joel: Now what, Sinbad?

*"Say goodnight then," Sinbad said and knocked him out cold.

Tom: Ah, cheesy one-liners.  The perfect excuse to writing meaningful 

*"Let's go," Sinbad said and started the way the man came from.
*Luckily there weren't very many guards except for two at the
*dungeons door. Sinbad grabbed the keys and unlocked the dungeon
*door. And found Bryn chained to the wall with a few bruises.

Joel: Only a few bruises? If she's so unhurt, why didn't she break herself 

Tom: Because she was so weakened by her minutes without half her ration of bread and water.

*Then Sinbad ran over and unchained her. She was unconscious so
*Sinbad had to carefully lifted her up.

Joel: Oh, she was unconscious.  Wait a minute--if she was unconscious, then 
how could "the man" talk to her?!

Crow: There's no point discussing continuity this far in.  It's useless.

*"Alright let's find the sorceress now," Hercules said

Tom: [As Hercules] and let's kick some serious butt!

*But was to late as a green light appeared and a woman stood
*where the green light disappeared.

Tom: [As Hercules] Aw, man! I was looking forward to some serious 
butt-kicking.  All I've kicked so far is extras!

*"Rongor take Bryn and keep her safe," Sinbad said.

Crow: Yeah, Rongor! Do as you're told!

*The moor came over and took Bryn out of Sinbad's arms and
*headed out the door.
*"Don't be afraid I am the sorceress but I wasn't the one who
*attacked the village it was my cousins who took over the village
*and locked me up. I was able to escape and I took care of my
*cousins.  And for now on I will take better care of the village
*than I just to so go on and be careful.

Crow: That's it? These mysterious "cousins" are responsible for everything? 
How con-ven-ient.  Too nicely convenient...


Joel: That's felt like much *longer* than that...

Tom: That's because one moment reading this fanfic is worth seven moments 
doing something more enjoyable--like having a root canal.


Crow: Hey...I think the snow IS lightening up a bit...we're saved!!!

*"Thanks for your help Sinbad and I thank your crew too,"
*Hercules said.

Tom: [As Hercules] Even though you were all technically useless.

*"Till we meet again," Sinbad said.

Crow: Which will be too soon.

*"Joxer thanks for your help but a real hero doesn't brag so
*much," said Gabrielle.

Tom: Yeah, Joxer! Stop standing there in the corner being quiet! You're such a 

*"Bye guys," Gabrielle said. Before She and Xena were out of

Joel: Yay! I've been waiting for that the whole fanfic.

*"Bryn take it easy for awhile and be careful." said Iolaus.

Crow: Those few bruises could turn out to be deadly if they're not checked 

*"You be careful to," said Bryn before they left.

Joel: Careful to what?

Tom: We'll never know.

Crow: Good.  That's the way it should be.  In fact, we shouldn't have to know 
anything in this fanfic beyond the words: "The Sorceress By Egyptlogic".

*Into the sun rise.

Crow: The sun has come out! The snow has stopped!  We can finally regain the 
rest of civilization...

Tom: Such as it is.

*The End..

All: HOORAY!!!

	Later, exiting the theatre, Joel remarked to Crow, "As cross-over 
fanfics go, that one was really dumb."
	" You're telling me? Or should I say you're `teeling' me? Ha ha."
	" Very funny.  No, I mean it.  It was really badly thought out." Joel 
continued, sighing at Crow's pun.
	" I know what you mean," said Tom.  " It was basically a vehicle for the 
three shows, even though the plot really only needed one."
	" So you think the story may have been better with only one set of 
characters?" Crow asked.
	" Yeah.  That way, the author could have developed the plot and the 
villains more, without having to take up so much time writing the interaction 
between the `heroes'." Joel analyzed.
	" Wow, thanks for that insightful look into the psyche of the story, Dr. 
Freud.  I think I what it is that I want is to go forget all that interaction. 
 I feel sick." Crow groused.
	" The story wasn't *that* bad," Tom said.
	" I know--but Joel's sandwich threw my stomach out of sorts, and I 
haven't recovered.  Excuse me, I need to visit the little bots' room."
	" Speaking of characters..." Joel said with a smile, as they headed 

The REAL End......

Hallelujah and Hooray!