This is a Saf&Dy Production. It was written by Saf and without Dy's consent as she is in Japan and there is no way I'm paying for the long distance! Even if Candace Bergen *does* make sound cheaper! Blah blah blah copyright yadda yadda.

Joel Robinson looked at Crow with with a deep sadness and regret.

"You look really, really, really stupid," he said in a caring, compassionate way.

"That's 'cause you don't dig it, man. You're squaresville, man," Crow drawled behind his pasted-on goatee.

"Yeah, Joel," Tom chimed.

"Look, guys, I admit poetry night will make a change, but that doesn't change the fact that Crow looks dumb in that black turtle neck," Joel assurted. He took a sip of his coffee. "Gaak!" he spat the coffee back in the cup and set it down. "That coffee's disgusting!"

"Why do you think we beatniks are such tortured souls?" Crow asked.

"Enough chit-chat. I'm looking forward to this--I haven't read Mortal Kombat poetry...well, ever." Tom interrupted.

"Mortal Kombat poetry?! We're reading Mortal Kombat poetry?! Kill me now!" Joel yelped.

"We can't do that, Joel. You'd miss all the fun of...

Mortal Kombat Poem #1

Joel: That's an original title.

Crow: We had to do that ourselves, as this particular author
didn't name it.

Joel: Maybe that's because it was never meant to be seen by human

*This is a poem about Kitana that I wrote this morning:

Tom: ...while I was in the shower...

Joel: Dear God.  Save me....

Crow: It hasn't even started yet!

Joel: Preventitive measures.

*My life is a mess,
*For battle I dress.

Tom: [As Kitana] It's the little things that keep me going.

*I found that my life was not my own,

Crow: It was borrowed from the neighbors along with the Roto

*For my evil deeds I did atone.

Joel: Seventy-five Hail Marys and three Our Fathers.

*I found that my mother was killed by my "father"

Tom: Who also happened to be her "cousin" and "uncle".

Joel: I love country weddings.

*Then brought back to life by means of dishonor.
*My father is dead, my mother and I mourn,

Crow: Oh, Pops, it's a shame...but...

Joel: [sings] life goes on...

*My "father" Kahn is dead, my mother and I rejoice.

Tom: Moody bunch, aren't they?

*The one sister I knew is not my own,

Crow: Borrowed from the same neighbour.

Tom: Probably in exchange for the hedge clippers.

*The warrior that claims to know me, I ordered to leave the room
*of my throne.

Joel: Could the writer not think of any better word to rhyme?

Crow: Moan, groan, stone, blown, bone...

Tom: All those words seem to fit. 

*I am full of confusion, and full of love,
*I am full of hatred, 

Crow: ...hence the confusion...

*my hands are scarred with blood.

Tom: Did he just rhyme "love" and "blood"?

Joel: I'd *love* to see *blood* right about now...

*I wish to return the Outworld to a place of beauty at my
*mother's side, 
*No one should have to run and hide.

Crow: Wow.  That's really deep.  A real moral message for you
kids out there!

Tom: Sailor Moon says!

*If you like, please E-Mail me at-  DJ

Joel: If we don't like, can we hit him?!

Crow: Joel, calm down.  If you use all your energy now, you won't
have enough for...

Mortal Kombat Poem #2

Joel: No! I don't think I can handle another "poem" about Kitana.
I think I'm reaching my limit here, guys...

Tom: Don't worry, Joel.  This one isn't about Kitana...

*This a poem I wrote about Scorpion.  

Joel: Oh yeah, now I feel *tons* beter.

*It's my first try, but I enjoy Mortal Kombat, and thought I
*would try it 

Crow: Don't think we'll go easy on you just because you're a

Tom: It's more like we'll be harder *because* he's a newbie.

Joel: [standing in his seat] Thus creating the endless vicious
circle of pain and torment.  Newbies of the world unite! Band
together with minor niners and together we can end the torment!

Crow: Joel, are you trying to change our social fabric in a vain
attempt to get out of reading more poetry?

Joel: [shifty eyes] No.

Crow: Oh, in that case, okay.  Minor Niners Unite!

*Scorpion Poetry

Joel: If the poet--I use the term loosely--likes Scorpion so
much, maybe we can send him one.  Like, maybe in his shoes.

Crow: Or down his pants.

*I throw my spear,
*And after I uppercut him, "Finish him!", I hear.

Joel: All Hail the Disembodied Voice!

Tom: Our true Lord and Master!

*For a second I consider his fate, 
*And then decide to give into my hate.

Crow: [shrugs] Eh, what the heck.  I'll kill him.

*I decide to finish my task,
*And I rip off my mask.

Tom: Ha ha ha! I'm really Peter Parker, the news reporter!

Crow: That guy has a thing for arachnids, doesn't he?

*I finally decide to do what I desire,
*And destroy him with my fire.

Crow: Woohoo, kinky.

Tom: We need a fire extinguisher!

Joel: I think there's enough *fertilizer* to do the job...

*In the second tournament,
*I return with a new armament.

Tom: [As Scorpion] Also, since I was such a great contestant
last time, I get a free toaster!

*I learn of Sub-Zero's return,

Crow: He also passed the Bonus Round and correctly answered the
skill-testing question.

*And decide to make him reburn.

All: [laughter]

Crow: Ha ha! That's the funniest line yet.  "I decide to make him

Joel: There's nothing like good ol' mangling of the english
language when you can't think of anything to rhyme.

Tom: I want that on a bumper sticker.

*I then discover 
*that he is actually Sub-Zero's brother.

Crow: As well, he discovers that his own long-lost cousin Jason
was secretly dating Denise while Brett was having an affair with
the sister of Shao Kahn's former cleaning lady.  This was, of
course, shortly before Rayden announced his sex-change and ran
off with Liu Kang.

Joel: Like sugar through a gas tank, these are the days of our

*I decide to make it up for 
*By protecting him forever more.

Tom: ...that was a plot twist.  There was no blood.  No burning. 
I feel strangely empty.  No, wait, that's indigestion.  Never

*Well?  You can e-mail me at

Crow: So many things to say.   Most of them are not acceptable by
internet ettiquiete standards.

Joel: There are standards?!

Crow: Of course.

Tom: Well, I don't think there were any standards in mind for the
next little gem, imaginatively titled:

Mortal Kombat Poem #3

*Here is a poem that i worte today in spanish class (skary) 

Crow: It *is* skary to think of Spanish class being used for such
nefarious evil...

*about everyone's fav. dead guy, Scorpion.  Tell me what you
*think, flames included.

Tom: Flames are good.

Joel: Nothing like a little reburning...

*"Finish Him" came the cry

Joel: The Disembodied Voice has returned to us!

*I laughed as loud as I could

All: HA HA HA!

Crow: Nothing like a good hearty laugh to get the ball rolling. 
Or the flames spewing.  Whatever.

*The sky grew dark and everyone gasped,

All: GASP!

Tom: Interactive media at its finest.

*When I removed my hood.

Joel: I gasped when my mechanic removed the hood and told me I
needed a complete engine overhaul.  

Crow: I bet you fainted, too.

Joel: Came close.

*My head, just a skull
*Gleaming in the hot jungle air.

Tom: The lighting in here is just *fabulous*!

*Made me being to wonder
*If I still could give a care.

Crow: I think I know what that means, but I'm not *quite* sure...

Tom: I didn't care from the beginning, no being to wondering
about it.

*I opem my mouth
*Just a white jawbone

Joel: [Singing] Jawbone's connected to the ...gleaming skull...

*Flames shot out of my mouth
*As Sub-Zero shouted and said, "NO!"

Crow: [As Sub-Zero] I told you not to eat that curry!

*He screamed in pain
*His skeleton ablaze

Joel: [Shakes head] That's what you get when you order the extra
hot sauce from Taco Bell.

Tom: No quiero Taco Bell.

*I will always remember
*How I "finished" him that day.

Crow: It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. 

Joel: So does thinking about these poems. 

*I killed that bastard
*He never walked again

Tom: ...After I ran over his legs repeatedly with my truck.

*That was 1000 years ago
*I am quite bored my friend.

Crow: The Rubic's Cube just doesn't hold my interest like it used

*In charge of the Shaolin Tournament
*Defeated Goro and Shang Tsung
*Here comes another challenger
*I guess this poem is done.

Joel: Praise the Lord!

Crow: The Disembodied Voice?

Joel: Exactly.  I think maybe we should sacrifice a goat or two,
just to be on the safe side.

Tom: Just in case there's more?

Joel: Exactly.

Tom: You don't have to worry *or* kill domesticated animals,
Joel! Just one little bit more and then we're through...

*Oh well...  Fire away...  

Crow: READY...AIM....FIRE!!

*But seriously, tell me what you think, and if enough of you like
*it, I'll post the one about Liu Kang that I also wrote in
*spanish class (skary)...

Joel: That really is skary.

Tom: That Spanish Class is being so misused?

Joel: No, that there's a Liu Kang poem floating around out

The REAL End.