Sam's Star Wars Adventure
*The Lost Star Wars Episode*
Scene: A desolate, desert planet, devoid of water and shrubbery. Two lone hikers and a strange creature cross the dunes.
Sam: I thought I told you: left! Make a *left* turn!
Victoria: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch. You make it sound like I did it on purpose. [She takes out the map from her backpack and reads it.]
[She stops, puzzled.]
Victoria: Ohhh, now I've got it. [She flips map around] I thought it was weird when they had the "mountain symbol" as a set of "v"s.
Sam: AHHHHHHH! [holds head in hands]
[Victoria's Gobailie, her Pokémon companion, howls.]
Victoria: Oh, hush. You make it sound like we're lost and alone in a desolate alien landscape.
Sam & Gobailie: [howls and yells]
Victoria: See, it's very simple. We just follow the map *backwards*. Isn't that simple?
Sam: [looks at her suspiciously] Yes...a little too simple...
[Victoria looks thoughtful.]
Victoria: Of course, we *might* have to follow the map upside down *and* backwards if we want to retrace our steps exactly...but is that backwards and upside-down or right-side up and forwards? My eyes are crossing.
Sam: We're doomed. Doomed...and without coffee.
Victoria: [Squinting into the distance] Hey, what's that?
Sam: [suddenly suspicious] It's not three badly-drawn children with Yellow Rodents, is it?
Victoria: No, I think this is definitely...a set of small monks.
Sam: Small monks?!
Sam: *Small* monks?
Victoria: [squinting harder. Her Gobailie starts squinting as well, resembling a Pokémon pointer] Oh yeah. Definitely small monks. Unless they're a lot farther away that I think they are, in which case they're gargantuan monks.
Sam: That makes me feel a *lot* better.
Gobailie: Bailie! Gobailie!
Victoria: What's that? You say they smell funny--[the down wind breeze hits her] Whoa, that's what I call a smell!
[Sam catches the breeze and gags. She passes out]
Victoria: Must...stay conscious...gaak....[she faints, as does Gobailie]
[The small, red-robed monks approach, talking to each other in a strange, foreign language. They poke Gobailie, who snarls, and Victoria, who whimpers. They carry the three intrepid travellers away.]
Scene: The inside of the Jawa Transport
Victoria: [coming to] Omigod, I think I got hit by a truck. Sam? Sam? [She starts to get worried] SAM?!
Gobailie: Gogobailie! [it rubs up against her leg like a cat. She jumps]
Victoria: Don't do that, you silly Pokémon! [she scratches it behind the ears and then tries to get up.] Sam!
Gobailie: Go! Gobailie!
Victoria: Yes! Find Sam, Gobailie! Go!
[Gobailie jumps into action, hot on Sam's trail. Victoria, now that her eyesight has adjusted to the weak light of the transport follows behind.]
Sam: [faintly] Victoria....
Victoria: Sam! Sam, where are you?!
Sam: I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!
Victoria: Are there any small monks around you?
Sam: No. There's a robot, here. A gold one, but that's all I can see.
Victoria: A robot, eh...hmmmm...
[She follows Gobailie to Sam, all the while lost in thought.]
Sam: [with relief] Vic! I was getting worried. No, bad Gobailie! Don't jump! [she scratches it behind the ears]
Victoria: You know, I have a funny feeling...
Sam: Well, we haven't eaten in two days...
Victoria: No, I think we're in a Star Wars movie...
Sam: Really? Are you sure?
[Victoria shrugs, holding her arms out. As she holds them out she knocks over something. It's the golden robot Sam was talking about]
Victoria: [excitedly] Sam! That's C-3PO! We're in a Star Wars movie! No, bad Gobailie! Don't sit on Threepio!
[Gobailie looks hurt and slinks away, tail between its legs]
Victoria: Now, let's see if I remember the movie correctly...
Sam & Victoria: [hearty laughter]
Victoria: Seriously, I think we should get off soon. We don't want to get caught up in the actual story line or get involved with any of the characters.
Sam: Why not?
Victoria: Well, we could have serious effects on the continuity, as we could use our foreknowledge to change events...
Sam: [concentrating] And...
Victoria: and we'll get shot at a lot.
Sam: I think we should stay out of plot's way.
Victoria: Good idea.
[Gobailie suddenly yelps for attention.]
Gobailie: Go, gobailie bailie go go bailie gobailie!
Victoria: I think it's saying something about an escape hatch.
Sam: [rolling her eyes] Or it could be saying that it wants to use the litterbox.
[Victoria ignores the remark as she makes her way over to the Pokémon]
Victoria: You shouldn't really be so scoffingggggggg.....[her voice grows fainter]
Sam: Vic?! VIC! [She runs over and slips down the exact same escape hatch. Gobailie, standing to the side, shakes its head at the antics of these silly humans, then dives down]
Victoria: [Spitting sand out of her mouth] Yuck.
Sam: [Shaking sand out of her hair] You said it--oof! [Gobailie lands on her back]
Scene: Mos Eisley Spaceport. Three very bedraggled travellers drag themselves down the main street.
Sam: Iced cappuccino....iced cappuccino....
Gobailie: Bailie! Bailie! [it goes into Pokémon Pointing Mode]
Sam: What's that? You say you see a coffee bar?? [She follows Gobailie over to a small establishment on a corner...]
[Victoria looks suspiciously at the bar. Then comprehension dawns]
Victoria: No, Sam, we can't go in there!
[She runs after her friend]
Scene: Inside the cantina. Sam is at the bar, arguing with the Bartender.
Sam: [indignantly] What do you mean, the only coffee you have is *green*!
[The barkeeper shrugs]
Sam: [with resignation] Okay, fine. I'll have an After Eight, then.
[The bartender serves her the drink. She's about to take a sip when Stormtroopers burst in and Victoria suddenly grabs her by the elbow]
Sam: Watch it! You'll spill my drink!
Victoria: [in a whisper] Shush...those are the bad guys...
Sam: I know, I'm not that clueless...[she takes a loud slurp. The stormtroopers look over, Victoria goes pale.] Don't worry, Vic, I haven't been checked for ID *yet*.
[The stormtrooper looks at them, then moves on.]
Sam: [smugly] Told ya. Now, why don't you get a drink?
Victoria: Sure, I guess. [She starts back towards the bar when she stops and looks around her in confusion] Did you hear that?
Sam: [between slurps] What?
Victoria: I thought I heard...
*you must board the Millennium Falcon...*
Victoria: I thought I heard a mysterious voice telling me to board the Millennium Falcon....
Sam: You're hearing things.
Mysterious Voice: *No, she's not...*
[Sam looks startled. Victoria looks, well, victorious]
Victoria: Ha ha! I told you so!
Mysterious Voice: *Shut up...you must board the Millennium Falcon...*
Sam: Well, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that Mysterious Voices should always be obeyed.
Victoria: Unless it's a voice heard over the PA...
Sam: Well, in that case, it's incomprehensible anyway, so it doesn't matter. [She sets her glass down on the bar] Now, let's get out of here before that Barkeeper realises I didn't pay him.
[She sneaks out the back way]
Victoria: Come on, Gobailie...[it follows at her heels as she leaves the Cantina]
Scene: The docking bay, 94.
Victoria: Okay, I think it's deserted. [She creeps out] Remember, don't let anyone see you. [She hurries from a barrel to the side of the ship] Okay, it's clear.
[Sam merely saunters out]
Victoria: Using the natural cover of daylight?
Sam: You said yourself there's nobody here.
Victoria: Yeah...well...shut up.
[She gets up, and looks for the door]
Victoria: I've found the hatch...but how to open it?
Sam: Any handles?
Victoria: No, I think it's voice-activated. Uh, open?
[The door doesn't budge]
Victoria: Hmmm, maybe I have to go deeper, to sound like Han Solo. [lowers voice] Open?
[Door still doesn't open]
Sam: No, no, like this: [voice deepens] Open!
[Door doesn't open.]
Sam: [in deep voice] Crap.
[Gobailie hops around their feet, and then starts barking. The door slides open.]
Victoria: [picking up Gobailie and squeezing it happily] I guess we could have tried Chewbacca's code too.
[They head up the gang plank, shutting the door after them. They prowl the empty Falcon.]
Victoria: Okay, we should hide. Hmmm, where, though?
[There are sudden voices outside]
Victoria: Omigod, it's Jabba!
Sam: I thought he was only in the third one?
Victoria: [Growing panicked] No, not any more...we need to hide, they'll be boarding soon!
[She grabs Sam's arm and pulls her down the corridor to the hold. She starts stamping on the floor]
Sam: What the hell are you doing?
Victoria: I can't remember exactly what opens the secret compartments..I think it's a hidden floor switch. Gobailie, use your Stomp attack on the floor!
[Gobailie starts stomping up and down, trying to find the catch.]
Sam: This is going to take a while...
[She leans against the wall, triggering the switch. The compartments open, just as they hear the gang-plank opening.]
Victoria: Whoa! Good work, Sam! Quick, in the farthest compartment! [She starts putting the lids on the empty holes]
Sam: [In horror] We're hiding in there?!
Victoria: [growing panicked as they hear Solo and Chewbacca in the ship] Yes! [she pushes Sam down into the hole, then drops in Gobailie and finally gets herself into the hole, fixing the compartment lid over them]
Sam: [In the dark, and in a hushed voice as boots stamp over their heads] Vic?
Sam: Can you move Gobailie away from me? 'Cause I'm going to start taking it personally in a minute....
Scene: The pitch blackness of the Secret Smuggling Hole. Some time has passed.
Victoria: I think I hear the sounds of a fight overtop. [At that moment there's a loud crash and a thud right above them] Okay, definitely a fight.
Sam: What does that mean?
Victoria: Well, right now I think they're changing into the stormtrooper gear...yeah, I think I just heard Luke say something about a wedgie...okay, they're leaving.
[They wait for a couple more seconds]
Sam: If you don't get me out of here, I'm going to scream.
[Victoria pushes the lid up, and crawls out. She pulls Sam out, and Gobailie jumps up.]
Victoria: Okay, now we have a problem...we don't have disguises.
Sam: That's not a problem, really.
[There's a sudden click noise behind them and they turn to see two Imperial Officers behind them, both with drawn guns.]
Sam: That, however, *is* a problem.
Officer: Hands up, Rebel Scum!
Victoria: We're not rebels! We're stowaways! [The officers look at her strangely] Oh crap.
Sam: This is not good.
Victoria: I can handle it. Really.
Officer: All right, move over here. We'll take you to the detention center--
Victoria: Gobailie! Quick Attack!
[She jumps at one of the first officers while Gobailie attacks the second one. Victoria manages to wrestle the blaster away from the officer, it slides to Sam's feet. She picks it up]
Victoria: [yelling] Gobailie! Chomp attack!
[Gobailie latches on to the second officer, who screams and drops his blaster as well. Sam picks that one up.]
Sam: All right punks--make my day. Teehee. I've always wanted to say that.
[She fires the gun at Victoria and the first officer. The blaster was set to stun, and the blue rings hit them both. They fall to the ground.]
Sam: Oops. Gobailie, out of the way!
[The Pokémon leaps out of the way, and Sam fires at the second officer. He too drops to the ground.]
Sam: Phew. Glad that's over. [She--with Gobailie's help--drag the unconscious officers to the hold, and locks the door. Then they go back to ponder over Victoria] Hmm, I wonder what we should do. Vic would probably do something Pokémon related--
[An idea strikes her]
Sam: Gobailie, Super Chomp Attack! Or Whatever!
[The Pokémon ignores her, scratching behind its pink-furred ear]
Sam: Gobailie! Chomp attack! NOW!
Sam: Why you little--[she picks it up by the scruff of the neck and shakes it. It howls, and she puts it back down.] Now, chomp attack!
[Gobailie, extremely reluctantly, bites Victoria. She awakes immediately.]
Victoria: WAAAAAAHHHH! [She leaps up, holding her injured foot.]
Sam: Victoria! You're awake!
Victoria: [glares] Yeah, apparently. What happened--wait a second! I remember now! You *shot* me!
Sam: I know, it was an accident.
Victoria: Oh well. I guess I forgive you.
Sam: That's good. Now we just have to figure out what to do next.
Victoria: Well, we could take the officer's uniforms--
Sam: No way! I am totally not doing that. No way. Uh uh.
Victoria: Well, that wouldn't work, anyway, since we're obviously not guys. Hmmm. We'll have to think up something different.
[They both stand around, thinking.]
Victoria: Okay, I'm stumped.
Sam: Me too.
[They think some more]
Victoria: We need something that will keep the Imperials from questioning us.
Sam: [laughing] How about signs around our necks saying "Hey, we work for the Emperor, don't bother us"? [Victoria stares at her in awe. Sam is confused for a moment, and then she realises what Victoria is thinking.] Oh, no, no, I was kidding....
Scene: One of the shuttlebays on the Death Star. The Millennium Falcon is stowed there, and three figures creep down the gangplank.
Sam: This is so, so dumb. You are on crack, Vic. Crack.
[Victoria heads towards the door, adjusting her sign as she goes. Suddenly the door opens.]
Imperial: What...? Who are you?
[The Imperial reads the sign around Victoria's neck]
Imperial: "The Emperor's Personal Mime"? I didn't know he had a mime.
[Victoria shrugs, then mimes being inside a box]
Imperial: That's some serious miming, all right. [To Sam] Who are you?
Sam: Uh...[suddenly indignant] Can't you read?
Imperial: You're the Emperor's Personal Coffee Tester?
Sam: That's right, buddy. I wouldn't mess with me, if I were you.
[Victoria mimed drinking a cup of coffee, then mimed having a caffeine-induced spasm]
Sam: That's right! I could go maniac at any minute! Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to be going. Can you tell us where the Coffee Machine is?
Imperial: [Confused] Uh...down the hall, to the left. What's that? [he points to Gobailie]
Sam: That's the Emperor's Personal Pokémon, DUH! [She appears to be on the verge of becoming violent. Victoria mimes stabbing, Psycho-style]
Imperial: Whoa! I don't want to get the Emperor's personal coffee tester mad at me! [He backs away]
Sam: Good. Come on, Mimie. [She leaves, Gobailie following her. Victoria mimes being tugged along on a rope.]
Imperial: [after they've left] I can't believe I nearly upset the Emperor's Personal--hey! Wait a minute!
Scene: The corridor outside of the bay.
[As soon as the doors close behind them, the trio takes off down the hall]
Sam: We made it!
[Suddenly Victoria stops. Skidding to a halt, Sam stops too.]
Sam: What's the matter? What's wrong?
[Victoria begins to mime, but Sam gets annoyed and smacks her on the shoulder.]
Sam: Quit it! Just talk normally!
Victoria: I just realised something! Where the hell are we *going*?!
Sam: Uh....I don't know.
[They both think]
Sam: I'm stumped.
Victoria: Me too...
Mysterious Voice: *go to the detention area...level thirty five...*
Victoria: I just heard a mysterious voice telling me to go to the detention level thirty-four!
Mysterious Voice: *thirty-*five*, you twit...*
Victoria: Thirty-five, sorry.
Sam: Well, despite the fact that we have no idea where this mysterious voice is coming from, it's not like we really have anything better to do. Why not.
[They take off down the corridor. Again, Victoria stops suddenly.]
Sam: Now what?!
Victoria: [sheepishly] The Voice says it's *this* way--[she takes off down the corridor, the way they came.]
Sam: That girl can't take directions to save her life...[she runs after Victoria]
Scene: Detention level thirty-five. The trio creep out of the elevator.
Victoria: Weird, looks pretty deserted.
Sam: Says on that computer monitor that the entire area's alerted to escaped prisoners.
Victoria: Omigod! That means that Luke and Han have already broken the princess out--they could be leaving any second! We need to get back to the Falcon!
Sam: Well, let's see what we need to do here first. I mean, if a mysterious voice told us to do something, it had to have been important, right?
Victoria: [without much conviction] I guess so.
Gobailie: Bailie! Bailie! Gobailie!
Sam: That reminds me. Your Pokémon is very badly trained.
Sam: It wouldn't listen to me until I threatened it with bodily harm.
Victoria: [looking thoughtful] Well, I guess it's because Pokémon usually only take orders from their trainers. I mean, maybe Gobailie's especially stubborn.
[Gobailie, meanwhile, is jumping up and down trying to get their attention]
Victoria: Don't jump, Gobailie! Now, as I was saying, the psychology behind their behaviourial patterns makes for some interesting--[Gobailie, frustrated, sinks its teeth into her foot]--WAAAAAAHHHH!
[She hops around crazily, clutching her foot. Sam, meanwhile, notices that Gobailie is pointing towards one of the cells. She starts towards it.]
Victoria: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [She continues with the Crazy Hopping Dance of Pain]
Sam: I think only one of these cells has a prisoner--maybe that's what the voice meant.
[Victoria stops hopping.]
Victoria: Yeah--the voice says we should open the cell door.
[Sam opens it. It reveals another girl, with short, bristly brown hair.]
Victoria: What a second! That's the Voice's voice!
Girl: I know. I used the Force.
Victoria: You're a Jedi!
[Girl suddenly looks secretive]
Girl: Yeah, but don't tell anybody, okay? I'm just supposed to be a fighter pilot.
Victoria: [Confused] But I thought Luke and Ben were the last of the Jedi...?
Sam: Yawn. Boring. Can we move on?
Girl: [looks at Sam in irritation] I'm a secret, *secret* Jedi. The name's Katie, by the way. And can you tell your dog to stop jumping on me?
Victoria: That's not a dog, that's Gobailie!
[Suddenly an alarm goes off]
Sam: Uh oh. Looks like we got company.
Katie: We've got to get back to the Percy...
Sam & Victoria: The what?
Katie: The Percy...it's my ship. Let's go!
[She takes off down the corridor.]
Sam: I have a bad feeling about this...
Scene: They emerge into the corridor, Sam looking very unhappy. Gobailie shakes itself.
Sam: I still don't see why we had to go through the garbage dump.
Victoria: [picking a banana peel out of her hair] Convention, Sam. Convention.
Katie: Sorry to interrupt, but do either of you know which way to go?
[Victoria and Sam exchange looks.]
Victoria: We thought *you* knew where you were going.
Sam: Oh, crap.
Gobailie: Bailie! Bailie!
Katie: Your dog talks!
Victoria: It's not a dog! [To Gobailie] What's the matter, Gobailie? Do you know which way to go?
[Gobailie heads down the corridor. The three girls head out after it.]
Scene: One of the smaller cargo bays.
Katie: There it is! The Percy!
[Victoria and Sam stare at it intently.]
Victoria: Personally, I don't know what you see in it.
Katie: Humph. Well, anyway, let's get going.
Sam: First good plan I've heard the whole time!
Victoria: Oh, hush.
[They board the fightercraft. Sam takes a gunner position, as does Victoria. Katie mans, uh, persons the cock-pit.]
Katie: Woohoo! It's good to be airborne again!
Victoria: Um, strictly speaking--
Sam & Katie: Oh, hush.
Sam: It's a sci-fi flick, Vic. Hey, that rhymes!
Victoria: [bitter at being rebuked.] I'm thrilled for you.
[The Percy zooms out into space just as a wave of TIE fighters fly by, trying to catch the Falcon, which is also leaving.]
Victoria: [To Katie] You do *remember* how to fly this thing, right? Right?
Katie: Ha ha. I haven't been away from it that long...
[she banks steeply, shoving the two gunners against their seats and Gobailie skittering down the aisle.]
Katie: Okay, I'm going to try and out-run them...calculating hyperspace...
[there's a lurch and the stars outside turn into lengthy streaks.]
Katie: There. We're in Hyperspace.
Sam: That's it?
Victoria: Yeah...the Falcon usually has more problems outrunning stuff...
Katie: [a little irritated] Look, I'm sorry if we made a perfect get away. What's the big deal, anyway?
Sam & Victoria: We didn't get to shoot anything!
Victoria: [to Sam] You got to shoot something already!
Sam: Really? What?
Sam: Oh yeah...
Katie: [to Sam] You shot her...?
Scene: Inside the Percy, some hours later...
Katie: Yeah, so I think I might join the Rebellion, and help out.
Sam: Good for you. But I think Vic and I really should be getting back.
Katie: [Shocked] You don't want to stay and help?!
Sam: Actually, we know how it ends, already.
Victoria: Yeah. [She leans forward, about to impart a crucial secret. Katie leans forward as well.] Try to not actually attack anything. 'Cause technically you're an extra and--[Sam elbows her]
Sam: Continuity, remember?!
Victoria: Oh yeah. Forgot.
[Something on the console beeps. Katie swivels around to check it.]
Katie: Okay, we're coming up to Tatooine. I got a feeling you guys would be heading back there.
Victoria: The Force, right?
Katie: [smiling] You're not the only one who knows how it ends...
Scene: A desolate, desert planet, devoid of water and shrubbery. The Percy lands and the three girls get out, followed by a happy- to-get-out Gobailie.
Katie: Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye.
[They take turns hugging each other.]
Victoria: I hope we'll see you again.
Katie: Oh, I know you will. Here, can you do a favour for me?
[She pulls out of her pocket a sealed envelope. She gives this to Sam.]
Katie: I need you to give this to someone, okay? Her name is Sara.
Victoria: There's tons of Saras around. How will we know her?
Katie: [Thoughtful] Well, she's blondish, tallish, skinnyish...
Sam: That narrows it down a lot.
Katie: Oh, she's also an Elf. Does that help?
Victoria: Possibly. But bear in mind we're still lost.
[Katie takes the map from Victoria's backpack. She points to a spot on it]
Katie: Go here, and then turn left.
Sam: I told you! [She swats Victoria on the shoulder.]
Victoria: Ow! Quit it!
[They stand around, unsure of what to say. Finally Katie decides to end the whole thing.]
Katie: Well, I've got to be going, you know, the Rebellion and all. But I'll see you soon.
Sam & Victoria: Bye! See you soon! [They wave as the Percy takes off, Katie herself waving in the cockpit window.]
[Left alone, the two intrepid travellers and their intrepid Pokémon look around them.]
Sam: I need a coffee.
Victoria: [Studying map] Okay, well, I think if we go this way, it's a bit of a detour--
Sam: No! No detours! We're going to go straight home!
Victoria: But there's a coffee bar a few miles off! "Jawa Java"!
Sam: [pauses, considering] Well...maybe if it's just a *small* detour...