Victoria: [reading a map] I think we're lost.
Sam: [Drinking an Iced Cappuccino] I don't think so. [She slurps the rest of the drink noisily]
Victoria: [looking up from the map] Well, this doesn't look like the highway.
Sam: No, Laura, it looks like a forest.
Victoria: I'm Victoria.
Sam: I know that.
[Victoria scratches her head]
Sam: Hey! [she points down the road] I think I see people.
Victoria: Oh no! Bandits! [Hides behind map]
Sam: They're not bandits, silly. [she chuckles]
[Victoria peeks out from over-top of the map]
Victoria: It's just a couple of kids.
Sam: [Squinting] Yeah. Hey, those kids look kinda weird.
Victoria: Maybe they are bandits.
Sam: I don't think so.
[The three kids come into sight. One is about fifteen, and dark. The second is about ten, wearing a baseball cap. The third is a girl, carrying a giant egg in her arms. A large yellow rodent is walking beside them]
Victoria: Okay, they're bandits and I'm the Tooth Fairy.
Sam: I told you.
Second Kid: Hey! Are you guys going to Viridian City too?
Sam: Virdi-who? What?
Second Kid: Viridian City! I'm going to get an Earth Badge!
Victoria: [comprehension dawning] OHHHH, they're boy scouts! Or possibly girl guides! Or possibly both!
Sam: [To Victoria] You're so cute.
First Kid: [Misunderstanding] You're not so bad yourself. [He runs forward, takes Sam's hand] I'm Brock.
Sam: [confused] I'm Sam.
Victoria: [pushes her way past Sam to take Brock's other hand. She grins widely] I'm Victoria. Nice ta meet ya!
Second Kid: I'm Ash, and this is Misty!
Brock: I'm pleased to meet two such fine young ladies as yourselves. Are you going to Viridian City? Would you like to join us? [Holds out arm]
[She starts forward but Sam holds her back]
Sam: You can't go with them! They're only twelve!
Ash&Brock: We're not twelve!
[Victoria shrugs and starts forward again]
Sam: They have a large yellow rodent with them!
Large Yellow Rodent: Pika-chu!
Victoria: Omigod, it's so CUTE!
Brock: Thank you.
[Sam takes Victoria's arm, and pulls her over]
Sam: [whispers] I didn't want to say this in front of them, Vic, but...
Victoria: [also whispering] but what?
Sam: That guy has no eyes.
[Victoria straightens up, and looks over at Brock, then leans back to Sam]
Victoria: You're right. [She looks again] But I'm not going to hold it against him.
Sam: Didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk to groups of strange little kids travelling with Large Yellow Rodents?
Victoria: She might've, but I don't think I was listening.
[Victoria walks back over to Brock and Ash]
Victoria: We'll come! [She takes Brock's arm, grinning widely]
[They start walking. Sam is a little behind, as she is annoyed.]
Sam: [Yelling] This isn't in the travel log!
Victoria: [Turns and yells back] It's a detour! Come on, I'll buy you another Iced Cappuccino.
Sam: [considering] A large?
Victoria: Uh huh!
Sam: [shrugs] Hey, wait up! [She starts to run after them]
*Who's that Pokémon?*
SCENE: The five intrepid Poké-Travellers head into Viridian City.
Victoria: This is Viridian City?
Brock: Lovely, isn't it?
Victoria: [makes a face] I've seen bus stops with more charm.
Sam: Well, we could've gone to my grandmother's cottage, but NOO, you had to throw yourself at the first guy with no eyes who came along.
Victoria: Bite me.
Misty: Come on, guys, let's not fight. Sam, is your cottage near?
Sam: [points] It's just over there.
Misty: Well, why don't we take a detour, and go visit? We can have lunch there, and then Ash can come back for his badge.
Sam: Okay, that sounds good. First we have to go to Tim Horton's.
Ash: [Confused] Does he live near here too?
Sam: [Looks at Ash in confusion. She and Victoria exchange looks] No--it's a doughnut shop.
Brock: Doughnuts? I make doughnuts.
Victoria: And he cooks, too! [She sighs dreamily]
Sam: [Grumbling] I suppose we can just go and visit Grandma.
Victoria: I'm sure she'll have a large assortment of caffeinated beverages.
Sam: [more grumbling]
Ash: Maybe I can catch some more Pokémon while we're there, too!
Sam: Pokémon? What are these Pokémon you keep talking about? You don't mean POCKY, do you? mmmmmpocky....[she starts drooling]
Victoria: [smacks Sam's cheeks lightly] Oh no! She's gone into Pocky-atric arrest! I need two sticks, stat!
[The SCENE changes to resemble an operating room. Victoria is dressed in full surgical scrubs, and Sam is laid out on the Operating Table, still drooling. Brock is out-fitted, as is Misty.]
[Brock hands her a scalpel. Victoria uses it to slice open a package of Choco-Pocky. Misty catches the Pocky that fall out in a surgical pan]
[Misty pats Victoria's forehead with a damp cloth]
Brock: Still in Pocky-atric arrest. She's lost two quarts of saliva already, Doctor.
[Victoria tries to force some Pocky into Sam's mouth, but Sam is too busy drooling to chew]
Victoria: I think this calls for a Triple Pocky By-Pass.
Misty: Doctor! No! That kind of surgery hasn't been done before!
Victoria: We've got to--otherwise she just might lapse into a Pocky-induced coma. Nurse, I need 300 ccs of Pocky, now!
Brock: Strawberry or chocolate?
[Brock scurries around getting the instruments together.]
Misty: We're ready now, Doctor.
[The SCENE cuts to the waiting room. Ash is sitting on one of the chairs, looking morose.]
Ash: I hope she'll pull through.
Pikachu: Pika-chu! [Places its paw on Ash's knee]
Ash: I know you're right, Pikachu. I mean, the Doctor does this sort of thing all the time, right.
[Misty burst through the door, her mask off]
Misty: Ash! She's going to be okay!
Ash: [Jumps up] Woohoo!
Misty: She needed some tough medicine, but she'll pull through...
[The SCENE changes again, to the Poké-Travellers on their way back into the forest to Sam's Grandma's Cottage.]
Sam: [Chewing on Pocky stick] Thanks, guys.
Victoria: Aw, it was nothing. We weren't worried at all.
[Ash, Brock, Misty and Pikachu fall over]
*Who's that Pokémon?*
SCENE: The Rocket Balloon.
James: Hmmmmm....I could go for some Pocky right about now...
[Jesse hits him over the head with a large fan]
Jesse: Stop thinking about your stomach! We need to figure out a way to capture Pikachu!
[Meowth pops his head over the edge of the balloon basket]
Meowth: Hmmm...maybe Sam's Grandma can help us...
Jesse: [Intrigued] Have you got a plan, Meowth?
Meowth: [looking sneaky] Maybe I do. Maybe I have a plan SO revolutionary, SO original, it'll fool those twerps in no time flat!
James: Speaking of flat, how about we get some pancakes?
[Jesse smacks him with the giant fan again]
James: OWWW-WW! Two smacks already and we haven't even gotten out of the balloon yet! My day's not looking up!
Jesse: Two smacks and it's not even snack-time yet.
Meowth: Now, don't you start, Jesse.
James: Just tell us your plan, Meowth, then we can break for--
[He ducks just as the giant fan appears from behind Jesse's back]
James: [waves his arms frantically] I take it back! I take it back!
Meowth and Jesse: I wish we could take HIM back...
SCENE: Viridian Forest, just nearing a fork in the road.
Ash: Hey, I think I see somebody!
Sam: Oh goody! More hyperactive twelve-year-olds and giant rodents!
Sam: Yeah, yeah, you're ten, what-ever. [Finishes her last Pocky stick]
Victoria: [Squinting] I think these people are actual adults, Sam.
Victoria: Yep. One is a chick with red hair that sticks out at a ninety-degree angle, dressed like a wood-cutter, and the other is a blue-haired guy dressed in drag.
Sam: How interesting.
Ash, Misty and Brock: In drag?
Victoria: Yep. And...[she squints harder] He has nicer legs than I do!
Ash: Can it be?
Brock: It probably is...
Misty: Team Rocket! Can't they ever leave us alone!
Jesse/Woodcutter: Hello there! Uh, I mean, [lowers voice] Hello there!
Sam: You and talking to strange cartoons!
Victoria: Oh, hush.
James: [In high-pitched "girl's" voice] And where are you kids headed?
Sam: [Waving fist] Who are you calling kids, bub?
James: Uh... [takes a few steps backwards]
Jesse: We're just two friendly forest-folk come to tell you that this road is closed. You'll have to take the alternate route. [She points to hastily made sign reading: SAM'S GARNDMA]
Sam: Garndma? Sam's Garndma?
[Jesse and James go bright red]
Jesse: [whispered to James] You idiot! You spelled the sign wrong!
James: I can't spell when I'm hungry!
Victoria: Uh, we can still hear you...
Jesse: That isn't a good sign....[They run]
Sam: That was...odd.
Brock: Not really...it happens all the time around here.
Ash: About once a day, actually.
Misty: Now that you mention it, they are kind of regular...
[The travellers continue walking, deciding to take the trail that isn't marked "Sam's Garndma"]
Sam: Here we are!
*Who's that Pokémon?*
SCENE: Grandma's cottage is right beside the beautiful Viridian River. Misty plays with her Staryu and Psyduck (and of course Togepi) in the river, while Ash hunts through the bushes for some Bug Pokémon. Brock and Victoria relax on deck chairs while Sam talks with her grandmother.
Sam's Grandma: Yeah, so these three strange sales people came to the door, wanting to know if I wanted wolf insurance. They wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to get the shotgun out. Is that the telephone I hear?
Telephone: Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call! Ring ring ring, ring ring ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Sam: I thought you said you were going to get that looked at.
[Sam's Grandma goes inside. Sounds of a scuffle, but Sam has wandered off to see Victoria, so she doesn't hear it]
Victoria: Ah, beautiful day.
Sam: Wow, he hasn't made a clichéd remark yet. I'm impressed.
Brock: [A little hurt] You know, I don't have a one-track mind.
Victoria: Yeah, Brock and I were having a very in-depth discussion on the side-effects of pollution on pokémon breeding.
Sam: [snickers] See what I mean? Even when he's not talking about girls, he's talking about breeding. Hee hee!
Brock: Hmph. [He leaves]
Victoria: Way to go, Sam. [She leaves]
Sam: Hmph. Oh well, I don't need company any way. I can have fun by myself. [She lies down on the deck chair]
[After a moment, she gets up and looks around]
Sam: VICTORIIAAAA....WAIT FOR MEEEEE....
[She goes into the house]
Victoria: Wow. I have never seen so much owl memorabilia in one place.
Brock: What's an owl?
[Sam runs in]
Victoria: [Arms crossed over her chest] Come to apologise to my boyfriend?
Sam: He's your boyfriend?!
Brock: [at the same time] I'm your boyfriend?!
Sam: Ewww! He has no eyes!
Brock: [at same time] Woohoo!
[Suddenly there is the sound of tinny, thirties-style villain music from the cottage stereo's speakers, and the room goes dark]
Brock: Uh oh.
Victoria: What the heck is that?
Disembodied Voice: Prepare for Trouble!
Second Disembodied Voice: And make it Double!
[The lights come on, revealing Jesse and James, standing in front of Sam's Grandma, who is tied up and gagged.]
Jesse: To protect the world from devastation!
James: To unite all people within our nation!
Sam: What did you creeps do with my Grandma?!
Victoria: [at same time] What did you creeps do with Sam's Grandma?
Sam's Grandma: Mmphmhh!! [Subtitles appear: What are you creeps doing this to me for?!]
Brock: [leans out open door] ASH! MISTY!
[Meowth drops down from the loft onto Brock's head]
Meowth: That's enough of that.
[Ash and Misty run in]
Misty: It's Team Rocket!
Sam: It's the drag-queen and his pimp and they've tied up my grandma!!
Jesse and James: Hey!
Victoria: Sam, it is a kids show. Try and tone down the language?
Sam: Sorry. It's the cross-dressing creep and his girlfriend!
James and Jesse: Hey!
James: I'm not a cross-dressing creep!
Jesse: I'm not his girlfriend!
[They look at each other, and point]
Jesse: [To James] But you are!
James: [To Jesse] What are you objecting to?!
Meowth: STOP IT, YOU TWITS, THE GRANDMA'S GETTING AWAY!
[Sam's Grandma has been trying to sneak out the door. Meowth runs after her. Brock gets up]
Brock: Geodude! Go!
[Brock throws the poké-ball and Geodude flies out]
Geodude: Geo-dude! Geo-dude! [he flies after Team Rocket, who runs outside. The others follow]
Meowth: Catch that Grandma!
Brock: Geodude! Catch that Grandma!
[Geodude over-takes Meowth and carries Sam's Grandma to safety. Ash and Misty run up to see what all the yelling about]
Ash: [Summing up the situation] Bulbasaur! I choose you!
[Bulbasaur appears from its poké-ball, and catches Meowth in a vine whip attack]
Jesse: Now it's out chance to grab Pikachu, while they're distracted! [She grabs Pikachu with a pair of rubber gloves on]
[It tries to shock her, but it doesn't work]
Jesse: Ha ha! We've got it! Now we can...
[a rock suddenly hits her in the head. She topples over]
Victoria: Ha ha! Take that you evil villain! [She puts another rock in the sling-shot and aims at James]
Brock: She fights, too! [He sighs dreamily]
[Pikachu jumps out of Jesse's hands to the ground. It stares her in the face, as she's lying in the dirt]
Jesse: Uh oh.
Pikachu: [With an evil grin] Pika...PIKACHUUUUUU!! [It shocks her]
James: I think it's time to go!
[Suddenly there is a rustling from the bushes]
*Who's that Pokémon?*
*Charmander: Char! Charmander!*
Misty: [Clutching Togepi to her chest for safety] Oh no...what's that?
[A pokémon stumbles out. It resembles a rabbit, but bigger and with pink fur and claws]
Ash: What's that? [He takes out his Pokédex]
Dexter: This is an unidentified Pokémon. No information is available.
Ash: [Jumping for joy] Oh boy! A brand-new pokémon! I'm going to catch it!
Victoria: [she grabs Ash's arm just as he's about to throw the Poké-ball] Wait! I think I know what that Pokémon is!
Ash, Brock, Misty, Jesse, James and Meowth: You do?
Victoria: It's the mythical Pokémon that only exists by Sam's Grandma's Cottage....
Sam: You mean....
Victoria: Yes...It's a Bailiesaur!
Meowth: [Breaking free from Bulbasaur] Don't just stand there! Catch it!
[Jesse and James both leap for the Bailiesaur. It grins, revealing a smile of sharp, sharp teeth, and leaps. It bounds off their foreheads, and they drop to the ground, footprints on their faces]
James: I think we over-stepped our boundaries.
Jesse: I think we definitely put our feet in our mouths. [They faint]
Bailiesaur: Bailie! Bailie!
Ash: I want to catch it!
Victoria: No way! I'm going to catch it for myself!
Ash: [Grabs a poké-ball] I'll get it first! Poké-ball! Go!
[The poké-ball bounces off the Bailiesaur's back. It yawns]
Victoria: Now it's my turn!
[She runs up and grabs it, giving it a fierce bear hug.]
Victoria: Ha ha! It's mine!
Ash: Hey! You can't do that!
Bailiesaur: [Its eyes begin to pop out] GAAK!
Sam: I don't think it can breathe, Vic.
Victoria: Sure it can. It always says "GAAK!" when it's happy.
Ash: I want it!
Victoria: Scram, pipsqueak.
Ash: [Furious] Pipsqueak?! PIPSQUEAK?!
Victoria: Don't make me come down there!
[Ash says nothing but turns dark red and shakes his fist at her. She yawns]
Ash: That's it! I challenge you to a match!
Victoria: You're on!
Brock: Wow, this is weird. Who should I cheer for? My best friend? Or the only girl who's ever actually wanted to go out with me?
Misty: Hard decision.
Togepi: To-ge, to-ge! TogePRIII!
Brock: I wonder if it's trying to tell me something.
Sam: I think it's saying shut up and watch the game. [She offers them a package as they sit on the deck-chairs] Pocky?
Brock: No thanks, I'm trying to quit.
*Who's that Pokémon?*
[Victoria and Ash set up for the big match, standing on opposite sides of the gravel drive-way]
Ash: One pokémon each. Just you, and me.
Victoria: And our pokémon.
Ash: Well...yeah. I choose Pikachu!
[Pikachu leaps out on to the drive-way]
Victoria: I choose Bailiesaur! [She sets the Bailiesaur down. It faces Pikachu, ready to rumble]
Ash: Pikachu! Thundershock!
Victoria: Bailiesaur! Agility!
[Pikachu tries to electrocute Bailiesaur, but it dodges the bolts]
Victoria: Use the Super Chomp Attack!
Brock: [On side-lines] Ooh, the Super Chomp Attack. That's not good.
Misty: I feel sorry for Pikachu. [She chews on a Pocky]
[Bailiesaur chases Pikachu around the drive-way, gnashing its super-sharp teeth. Pikachu dodges the chomps only because of its speed. Bailiesaur closes in and CHOMP! bites down onto Pikachu's tail]
Pikachu: PIKACHUUUUUUUU!!!!! [In shock, it sets off a stream of lightning, catching Bailiesaur, who staggers off, releasing Pikachu's mangled tail]
Ash: Ha ha!
Victoria: The match isn't over yet!
Disembodied Voice: That's what you think--
Ash: Oh no! It's Team Rocket!
Jesse: That's right! [She jumps out from behind the bushes] Now we're going to snag that Bailiesaur!
[James, coming from behind the cottage, makes a leap for the Bailiesaur that runs out of the way. Pikachu starts to wind up for a Thundershock attack, but James rolls out of the way.]
Jesse: Arbok! Go!
Jesse: Get the Bailiesaur!
Bailiesaur: Bailie! Bailie!
Victoria: Use your Caffeine Quick Attack!
[The Bailiesaur goes into an excited frenzy, leaping and nipping at Arbok from all angles]
Jesse: Arbok--return! [Arbok is recalled]
[Wheezing appears, and sets up a smoke-screen]
Ash: Pidgeotto! Gust attack!
[The bird pokémon appears, and flaps away the smoke]
Sam: This is better than the movies!
[When the smoke clears, it reveals James clutching the struggling Bailiesaur]
Victoria: Okay, that's it--no more Ms. Nice Poké-Trainer!
Jesse: [laughing] What are you going to do about it, you shrimp?
Brock: [leaping up from his chair] That's no shrimp, that's my girlfriend!
Victoria: [Furious] Shrimp? Are you making fun of my HEIGHT?!?!
Jesse: Ha ha! No, we're making fun of your hair, cow-lick girl!
Victoria: ohhh....that's it!
Jesse: What are you--[a rock hits her smack in the middle of her face] do about it...? [she tips over backwards]
[A rock hits him as well, and he flops face-forward, Bailiesaur jumping out of his arms to freedom, but he's not quite unconscious]
Meowth: Okay--ack. [Yes, a rock hits him too.]
[Another rock hits James]
James: Looks like Team Rocket's rocking off again...[he faints]
Sam: Wow, she's got a good pitching arm!
Victoria: Call me shrimpy!
Ash: And make fun of your hair! [he snickers]
Victoria: And make fun of--watch it, Hat-head. [She tosses a rock up and down to make her point.]
Ash: Ha ha! Just kidding! [He waves his arms in surrender]
Misty: Hey--look at Bailiesaur!
Sam: It looks sick.
Brock: I think it's evolving!
[The Bailiesaur evolves in a burst of light. Ash takes out his Pokédex]
Victoria: I think I know what it is...
Dexter: Gobailie...the moving Pokémon.
[Gobailie, bigger than its predecessor, looks pretty much the same except its hair is now dark red at the tips, giving it the appearance that its dye job has grown out. It moves as quick as lightning, appearing as a blur until it stops by Victoria's leg, purring.]
Brock: Ah, a happy ending.
*Who's that Pokémon?*
SCENE: The edge of Viridian Forest
Sam: Well, it's been fun. I suppose. In a way.
Misty: It's too bad you can't come with us to Viridian City.
Sam: We might meet up later. If Victoria screws up the map-reading again.
Ash: Speaking of Victoria...has anybody seen her...or Brock?
Sam: [holding her head in her hands] Oh, no.
[Brock comes out of the forest, walking in a daze, lip gloss smeared around his lips. Victoria saunters out, looking very pleased with herself]
Victoria: Just saying good-bye.
Sam: [From underneath her hands] Vic...he's a fifteen year old! And he has no eyes!
Victoria: I told you I wouldn't hold it against him.
Disembodied Voice: And now the day's drawing to a close...
Victoria: Who's that? [She and Sam search the skies]
Misty: Oh, it's just the Announcer.
Announcer: Will Ash finally fight for the Earth badge? Will Brock ever recover from his ordeal? Will Sam ever get her Iced Cappuccino? Tune in tomorrow...
Victoria: That's really creepy.
Sam: So is that...[her voice trails off as giant words appear in the sky]
TO BE CONTINUED...
Unfortunately, the Poké-RAP was pre-empted for:
I want to be the very best,
like no one ever was
Sam: Like no one ever was what? What are you talking about?
Victoria: (Singing) To catch them is my real test
Sam: Test of what?
Victoria: Shut up! (Singing) To train them is my cause!
Sam: Do I have to?
Sam: (Clears throat) (Singing)
I will travel across the land
searching far and wide
--for a cup of coffee--
Use Pokémon to understand
the power that's inside
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em--
--a heart so true
Victoria: You came in too late there.
Sam: Well, YOU were off-key!
Victoria: I'm always off-key! I'm tone-deaf!
Sam: You are?
Both: (Singing) Our courage will pull us through!
Sam: Pull us through what? I'm not doing anything dangerous!
Victoria: (deep sigh) (Singing)
You'll teach me and
I'll teach you
Both: (Singing) Po-ké-mon!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Sam: Huh? Oh, yeah.
Sam: Man, that is the worst theme song EVER.
Victoria: Oh, hush.