This has been a Saf&Dy Production, a subsidiary of Web Wombat Enterprises. ("Let Mortal Wombat begin!") All the characters belong to their respective owners, namely us, because we are omnipotent and therefore own all the fanfiction ever written, which basically means we're making fun of our own stuff. Enjoy.

Joel Robinson yawned and stretched as he walked down the corridor towards the kitchen. He really needed his morning coffee. He stepped into the kitchen and heard a strange whistling sound. Confused, he turned to see a morning star fly by and embed itself in the wall, inches from his head. "What the...?" he began, eyes wide. He turned back to face the kitchen. "All right, you guys! Which one of you guys did that?!"

Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot poked their heads over the table top. Tom was dressed in a white gi, and Crow in a ninja disguise, complete with mask and sword.

"Oh god," Joel moaned, as he walked over the coffee machine. "This means it's Mortal Kombat day again, doesn't it?"

"It sure does, Joel," Tom agreed. "And we're in for a treat."

Joel cocked an eyebrow. "I doubt that, somehow. Where's the sugar?"

"Real men don't use sugar," Crow informed him. Joel gave him a steely glance and Crow repented. "I put it under the sink."


"So that I could put my morning-star-burglar-detection-system in the cupboard where the sugar used to be, duh," Crow answered. Joel looked over and noticed that the cupboard a) was open, and b) had a burlgar-detection system installed in it. He sighed. He fetched the sugar from under the sink and put a heaping spoonful in his coffee.

"So what are we reading today? Not more poetry, I hope," he said, sipping hot java.

"Nope," Tom replied. "We haven't been able to find any more MK poetry, actually."

"Except for Johinsa's," Crow corrected. "But we wouldn't be able to riff her stuff anyway, it's too good. Nope, today, Joel, we have a special Triple Feature."

"Triple feature?!" Joel spat out his coffee, coughing. "Three stupid MK stories?!"

"Short ones, though, so it's okay. We ought to survive." Tom started to head out. "Hey, Joel, can you disconnect the burglar-detection-system before you leave?"

Joel sighed, rubbing his forehead. He knew there was a reason why he wasn't supposed to get out of bed today. He pulled the plug on the detection system and headed to the theatre.

Joel: That title makes me nervous.

Crow: I like the imaginative author's name.  Especially since the email is conveniently
located when it comes to flaming.  I mean, re-burning.

*(Raiden thinks to himself)

Joel: Oh no, it's game based.

Tom: So?

Joel: That means it's going to have an extremely loose plot consisting of badly-thought-out
fight scenes.  You know, for once I'd like to read MK fanfic that has engaging characters, 
intriguing plot, and amusing, bantering-style dialogue.

All: [open laughter]

Joel: But in the meantime, I guess I'll stick to making fun of this stuff.

*100's and 100's of year of it is still not done.
*All that die,  is it be cause of me?

Crow: What's not done? And why is Rayden on a guilt-trip?

Tom: That's to prove that he's a kinder, gentler thunder god.

*I must bring back the kind and good .
*I am going to be in mortal kombat again.

Joel: Ah, I see.  He's bringing back the kind and the good so that he can kill them off in
a Tournament.

Crow: It's a trap! It's a trap! Pretty darn sneaky, that thunder god.

*I must get the good and that is, Soyna,

Tom: Soyna? The refreshing Tofu Treat?

*Cage, Jade, Tanya, Lui kang,

Joel: Okay, that's it, I'm leaving.  I refuse to sit through a story with Lui Knag in it.

Crow: Kang, Joel.  It's Lui *Kang*.

*Jax, Sub-Zero and Fujian they will me. 

Tom: They will what?

Joel: Leave?

Crow: Re-burn?

Joel: Commit violent and yet entertaining atrocities in the name of video-games?

Crow: Attempt to seize the Presidency of the United States?

Tom: Okay, okay, sorry I asked.
*(In Hollywood) Jax and Sonya come to see Cage. Cage is making
*mk4  he hears a knock 

Crow: MK4? Isn't that the game where, you know, Cage is dead?

Tom: Like *that's* going to stop anybody.  It's Mortal Kombat, remember? It's not about death
but life.

Joel: Oh.  I forgot.

*(Cage speaks) who is it
*(Sonya speaks) It Sonya and Jax .

Crow: (As Cage) That good! Me open door now.  Dum dee dum dum.

*Cage open it he was so happy and then a voice came,get ready.


Joel: Have we read an MK fic yet where The Disembodied Voice hasn't shown up at least once?

Tom: I think it's like a standard of the genre.  You know, like sword-fights in an AoS fic,
or lesbianism in a Sailor Moon story.

*down came buch of six arm men. 

Crow: Now, is that a *bunch* six men with arms, or armed with guns, or with six arms? And is
it even bunch? It could be *butch*.

Joel: I'm positive that I don't want to find out.

Tom: I'm putting my money on butch six-armed men.

*They hit Jax. get ready they said they throw them throw the

Joel: That sentence makes my head hurt.

Tom: One sentence? I think it's actually more like three.  Or five.
*they started fighting and then one grab Sonya and jump up to the
*roof of a tall buliding and then they said one will dye 

Crow: (as Sonya) Yeah, okay, I have roots, but you don't have to be so pushy about it!

*As Sonya's life is about to end a portal to a realm opened.

Joel: If someone with extendable legs comes through, that's it, I'm leaving right now.  I
mean it.

*(6 arm man says) get ready and thorws Sonya in to the portel.

Tom: Hey! I was right! It is butch six-armed men!

Crow: How do you know they're butch?

Tom: They're not exactly feminine.

*a strike of lighting is Raiden. Raiden strick in to the
*portel and gets Sonya. the 6 arm men where gone.

Crow: You know, if you squint *really* hard, you can almost make that sentence into something
resembling English.

Tom: Oh, six-arm men, where art thou? A rose by any other name is still as stupid...

*(Raiden tells what is happening)

Joel: (As Rayden) Gather round the fire, now, and I'll tell you all the story about a
tournament called Mortal Wombat... I mean, Kombat...

*Shao Kahn,  Shinnok and Shang Tsung are bring back all the evil
*fighters and he has bring some 6 arm men with them. 

Crow: Thanks for telling us something we didn't know already.

Tom: That's why he's the thunder god.

*The three of you are are chosen.

Joel: I'd like to see an MK fic where the regulars AREN'T chosen, for once.

Crow: Well, Liu "Lui" Kang *is* the Chosen One, after all.  It's his job description.

*A portal opened,they are gone .Jade is in a fight with Tanya and
*Sub-Zero by her side .

Tom: And her trusty smell-hound, Betsy.

*They are fighting the 6 arm men too.

Crow: Those darn six-armed men! Just getting into everything!

*The same thing happen just with no building.

Joel: So the butch six-armed men have just grabbed Sonya and leapt to the top of where
the building *would* have been?

Crow: Then they plummet to their deaths.  The End.

*Fujin all ready know about it

Tom: Fujin knows all about it too? Don't you just love these omniscient sky gods?

*he joins the gourp.

Crow: Gourp.  That's really fun to say.  Gourp gourp gourp.  Gourp.

Joel: Crow...

Crow: [quietly] gourp.

*Liu  is told, but he did not come.

Joel: Wow.  Liu "Chosen One" Kang didn't come when called?

Tom: Here boy! Here boy! Good Liu, yeah, who's a good little Chosen One?

Joel: No, I mean it.  This story is on the cusp of having a plot twist, of having character
flaws, moral dilemmas--CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT...

Crow: Stop it, Joel, you're scaring me.

*They went to his house. they then check at the grave yard where
*his brother is. There he was fighting Shao Kahn.

Joel: Dammit.  And we were so CLOSE, too.

*Then in a qiuet   blink Raiden passes out

Tom: (As Rayden) Gasp! Liu didn't come when called! I think I'll pass out qiuetly now...

*when Liu saw what happen he turn around and then he was stabbed
*he then fell to the ground and his soul was gone. 

Crow: That was damn quick.  Or possibly qiuck.

Tom: Never turn your back on homicidal out-of-control Emperors of Outworld, that's my motto.

*To be Continued....

Joel: That's it? It's over?

Tom: You sound disappointed.

Crow: Yeah, Joel, don't feel bad! We have two more to sit through...

Joel: Oh lord...

*by Lord Sting  (

Joel: [surprised] I didn't mean that literally!

Crow: Lord Sting joining Sir Elton and Sir Paul...

Tom: Not to mention Lord Lloyd Webber.  Try saying that five times fast, kids!

Crow: That five times fast.

Tom: Ha ha.

*It was after the fouth tournament and sub-zero
*still hasnt destroyed scorpion,

Joel: What? Still?

Crow: He just can't get results like he used to...

*it has almost been 5 generations

Tom: ...all named Kung Lao...

*and sub-zero didnt get his revenge on 
*scorpion for the death of his brother,

Joel: I thought that Scorpion killed Sub-Zero and it was his brother who--no, wait--I mean,
it was Scorpion's brother who--no--give me a moment, I'll sort it out--

*it was known that scorpion killed him in 
*the sholin tournament, everyone thought it was
*liu kang that killed him, but he didnt. 

Crow: Well that clears *that* up.

Joel: Okay.  We know that Scorpion has killed *someone*... we just don't know *who* yet.

*"Before he finds you, you find him, and 
*destroy him, then ill grant your freedom."
*Explained Shinnok. 

Tom: [as Shinnok] What you do, see, is find him and beat him before he finds and beats *you*.
Because if he finds you first he'll beat you before you have a chance to beat him.  Everybody
got that?

Crow: Can you repeat that, please? I wasn't paying attention...

*"But sub-zero is much stronger, i can
*not destroy him, He is a lin kuei champion."

Joel: I don't want to hear that kind of defeatist attitude! I want to hear you cheerful,
and upbeat!

*Wined scorpion. 

Crow: Wined and dined Scorpion.  You know what that means.

Tom: Scorpion/Shinnok slash fiction?

All: [shudders]

*"Enough of your whining, If you dont
*kill him then you suffer the consiquenses...
*You will lay at my feet dead, after i strangle you..."

Tom: Or, conversely, you will lie at my feet dead *before* I strangle you.  Take your pick.

*Said shinnok. Then scorpion walked away. 

Crow: [as Scorpion] I chose what's behind Curtain Number Three!

*Meenwhile sub-zero was traveling in the
*outworld seaching for the netherrealm portal. 

Joel: [as Sub-Zero] Gosh, I know I left it around here *somewhere*.  Maybe it's behind the
couch or under the cushions.

*But he faced many challenges,

Crow: Such as the Old Spice Challenge...

*first he had to fight the outworld mutant
*Baraka and his three brothers,

Tom: Then he had to huff and puff and blow their house down...

*How could they have survived after
*tournament #2 he thought,

Joel: I think that's what we are *all* thinking, right about now.

Crow: Who cares if he was previously dead.  It's not about death but life.  Get it through
your heads!

*second was Rieko, and third was Jerrek, 

Tom: Then Sub-Zero had a break for lunch, enjoying a hero sandwich...

Joel & Crow: [groans]

*after those battles he thought that was it,
*it was over,

All: [hopeful pause]

*but then Rain, noob saibot, reptile, cyrax, 
*smoke, sektor and then was scorpion..

All: [deep sigh]

*Sub-zero new there were others, but

Crow: ...hopefully he gave up before they could complete the role call.

*he focused on scorpion most of all, 
*there they were, eye to eye,

Tom: It was a darned good thing that Scorpion was wearing his platform heels otherwise they
would have been eye-to-chin.

*until scorpion ordered rain to take sub down. 

Joel: the local Kwik-E-Mart for a Squishie...

Tom: the train station and make sure he got on the right train...

Crow: the vets to get "tutored"...

*"You wont live to see the dawn of tommorrow.." Said rain. 

Joel: [as Rain] Because I plan on making it too cloudy to see properly!

Tom: Joel...

Crow: That was just terrible.  It was worse than even the hero-sandwich gag.

Tom: Hey!
*"Lets see about that." Said sub as he 
*ran at rain. Rain flipped in the air, then landed,

Crow: [as Rain] Tah-dah! Look what I can do!

*then came a battle of fists and feet,

Tom: Rock'em Sock'em ninjas.

*then at the end sub froze rain and shattered him.

Joel: Creating the new and most fearsome ninja of all: Hail.

Crow: Colour-swapping, gotta love it.

*then noob jumped in, it all happened the
*same way until scorpion fled into a portal. 

Tom: So... Sub-Zero froze Rain all over again?

Joel: Writers today. Sheesh.  If they can't bother to rewrite cliched, hackneyed fight
scenes then... hey, wait, this might be a *good* thing...
*Scorpion got away, but was sub-zero gonna
*give up, i dont think so.... 

Crow: Was Crow going to flame the author? I bet.

*The Terrible Two
*by DR.KOOOL  (

Tom: Mindspring: for all your fresh thoughtwater needs...

Crow: UK Golds... aren't those potatoes?

Joel: Maybe Dr. Koool is from PEI...
*It was a very dark night

All: It Was A Dark And Stormy Night...

Tom: It was a dark night--how frightening!

Crow: I'm terrified already!

*at the dungeon were SUB-ZERO and SCORPION
*were about to fight.

Joel: Did YOU hear THAT? SUB-ZERO and SCORPION are about to FIGHT.

*SUB-ZERO said "Why are we fighting?" 

All: [stunned silence]

Joel: I think that's the first time in an MK fic that someone has actually stopped to ask that.
*"Because I vowed to 
*revenge the death of my people!" 

Tom: Oh--is that all?

Crow: I didn't know that the Disembodied Voice had a people.  Seeing as it, technically, has
no body.

*"What I didn't  kill them!" 
*"save your pittering for the NETHEREALM." 

Joel: Does anybody else feel like we've wandered into a bad Vaudeville sketch?

Crow: Joel, what is a pittering, and how do you save them?

Tom: And why is the NETHER REALM collecting them?

*All of a sudden scorpion throw 
*his monster  spear at sub-zero.

Crow: [as Sub-Zero] My, that IS a large spear.

Tom: [as Sub-Zero] Is this your monster spear, or are you just happy to see me?

*but sub-zero caught it inbetween
*his two hands  1 inch away from his face.

Joel: Who stopped to measure?

*Then sub-zero froze the monster 
*and snapped it.

Crow: [as monster spear] I just can't take it any more!

*Scorpion took back the remaining 
*into his hands.with a grin on his face

Joel: Crow...

Crow: What?

Joel: I just thought that you'd make that into something rude.

Crow: [sneaky] Like what?

Joel: Well, like--[pause] Nice try.

Crow: Dang.

*scorpion took off his mask and 
*blow a breath of fire at Sub-zero,

All: No quiero Taco Bell!

Tom: [as Scorpion] I'd like the extra large McVindaloo, and could you make it snappy? I'm
overdue for a cliched fight scene.  Oh, and I'd like a Happy Meal for my Monster Spear. 

*but sub-zero did a back flip just missing him.
*then what was this Quan Chi in the background

Crow: Quan Chi?? In the background?? Dear god, no!

Tom: You know the story wasn't thought out when the *author* is surprised by what happens.

*watching them fight.then with a smile
*on Quan Chi's face then he says

Joel: ...this is *way* better than Pay-Per-View...

Tom: ...Sub-Zero, babe, have you got an agent?

*happy trip to the nether realm,and 
*with a laugh Quan Chi makes a big flare.

Crow: [as Quan Chi] Tah-dah! And for my final trick, I'll detach my leg and throw it
at myself...

*but bolth ninjas takles him
*casing all of them to fall in a pit .

All: ?

Joel: Uh huh.  Casing, eh? Into a pit, eh? Riiiiight.

Crow: Bolth Ninjas.  Able to takle in a single case!

*where are we Sub-zero ask same 
*here says Scorpion.

Tom: [as Sub-Zero] Hey, I asked you *first*!

Joel: Same here as in where?

Crow: [as Scorpion] Damn, I knew I should have worn my sneakers with the compass in the heel!

*but  where ever they are Quan 
*was nowhere in site.

Joel: But I thought he was cased into the pit too...

*then someone all  torn up came and
*told them they were in the NETHEREALM.

Crow: Ah, they cased into the NETHER REALM.

Tom: Maybe the pitterings broke their fall.

*There must be some way to get out of
*here sub says.but we cant do it alone.

Joel: They probably can't do it together, either.

*I agree scorp says.then they bolth officially a team.

Tom: [as Scorpion] I think yellow should be the official colour.

Crow: [as Sub-Zero] No! Blue!

Tom: Yellow!

Crow: BLUE!


Joel: All right, that's enough!
*So they both went asking for help .
*then a man with no eyes told them to 
*go ask the wise man. 

All: Huh?

Crow: Did we miss something?

Joel: While you two were arguing about the stupid team colours, several key plot
advancements were made.

Tom: Really?

Joel: No.


Crow: That's the best plot advancement I've seen yet.

*by Yumiko Kaji (

Tom: And the newest trend--misspelling acronyms!
*Sub-Zero stared at two blocks 
*of metal with half a picture
*on each piece.

Tom: [as Sub-Zero] Wow, they weren't kidding when they said this jigsaw would be easy.

Joel: Talk about Puzzles for Dummies.

Tom: Or your average MK fan.

Joel&Crow: Ooooooh, harsh.

*Zero connected them.

Crow: Please stay on the line.  Your call will be connected in a moment.  Please press Zero
for assistence.

Tom: [as Sub-Zero] Poke me and die.

*The picture appeared to form
*the MK dragon.

Joel: Ah, he figured which piece went where.

*Then a burst of light and fire exploded
*out of the picture. The light faded away

Crow: ...and a piece of paper drifted to the ground that said, "help, I'm being held captive
in the MK Jigsaw Puzzle Factory"...

*and a figuer stood there. a voice out of no where said 

Tom: [as Disembodied Voice] Man, am I overworked...

*"You have activated a new fighter named Lazer.

Crow: [Dr. Evil] All I ask for is sharks with frickin' lasers attached to their heads!

*Every time you find two new pieces forming
*the Mk dragon, a new fighter will be activated.

Joel: So it would make sense NOT to connect the pieces, right?

*For Lazer to fight in the tournament,
*YOU Sub-Zero first must be able to 
*defeat him. Nothing personal." 

Tom: Talking about sense, this story seems to be missing some.

Crow: They like having losers fight in the Tournament.  It's tradition.

*"This is gonna be easy!" said Sub-Zero 

Joel: First the jigsaw puzzle, then the world!
*To Be Continued...

Crow: Huh? That's it?

Tom: Weird.  I feel strangely empty.

Crow: Really?

Tom: No.

Joel: Okay, what's up next? We've done the Unknown Fighter Plot, the Surprise Arrival Of
The Army Of Darkness Plot, the Enemies Team Up To Defeat A Greater Evil Plot, and the
hero-sandwich gag.  Anything left?

Crow: Scorpion and Sub-Zero take their Vaudeville act on the road?

Tom: Vegas, here we come!

Joel: Well, I suppose so, but we've had the three stories for today.  Scorpion and Sub-Zero
Take Manhattan will have to wait for another day.

Tom: Another day, another few hours wasted.

Joel: Glad you're keeping everything in perspective there, little buddy...

The REAL End.