This has been a Saf'n'Dy production. Don't blame Biku because we rip off your fanfics. It's not her fault she takes pity on you fanfiction "writers" out there. Blah blah copyright yadda yadda NO one is going to claim this, blah.
Joel Robinson stepped into the kitchen. "Gross," he said, pinching his nose shut. "I smell something terrible. What have you guys been doing?"
Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot popped up from behind the counter. "Hi Joel," Crow began. "We were trying to recreate the acid Reptile uses."
"Huh?" Joel stared at them blankly.
"Reptile? Mortal Kombat? Shoots acid? We thought it might come in handy," Crow continued, innocently.
Joel rubbed his eyes. "So you tried to create acid in the kitchen."
"Well, actually, Joel," Tom began to explain, "We realised we had no idea how to do that, so we just settled on making tuna cassarole, instead."
"But I don't understand." Joel waved the air away from his nose. "What's causing that smell if you only made tuna cassarole?"
"It's because we burnt the cassarole, Joel, duh," Crow replied.
"I have a headache," Joel whimpered. "And it's not going to get any better--we have a new fanfic today."
"It's not--" Tom and Crow trailed off, horrified.
"No, not Egyptlogic. It's an entirely new author. And it's an MK fic."
"Oh good, more reburning," Tom quipped. "Come on, let's go!"
*MORTAL KOMBAT: DEATHMATCH
*By: Brad P.
All: Hi, Brad!
Tom: Snazzy title, although I think "Mortal Kombat: Lovematch" would have had more impact.
Crow: MK does Temptation Island.... could be good.
Joel: No, I think I'd rather see MK: The Survivor Series. Then at least there'd be only one left at the end.
*Johnny Cage stood on the rooftop of the studio, taking a break from
*shooting his newest action movie. He stood in his James Bond-type
*tuxedo, smoking a cigarette,
Crow: I didn't know that Johnny Cage smoked.
Tom: Maybe Brad thought that the character's smokin'--maybe that's where the confusion set in.
Crow: Brad doesn't sound too bright.
*awaiting until the director would call him back to the set. He was
*thirty-five-years-old, and he had been making action movies for ten
*years now.
Joel: Quick, Crow--how many years is that?
Crow: Do I look like an abacus to you?
*And ever since Mortal Kombat, he's been given offers for battle by
*many, many people.
Tom: All groupies.
*As he threw his cigarette to the ground, the building began to shake.
Crow: Oh no! Smokey The Giant Bear Of Death is coming to get you!
*Cage's eyes widened. What is going on? He thought.
Joel: I'm sure that's what we'd all like to know.
*Suddenly, from the sky, a hole -- more of a portal -- opened up, and a
*man flew out of it, his legs extended
Tom: Go go Gadget legs!
*the man flew to the building Cage was one.
Joel: "Cage was one" what? One of the buildings?
Crow: Proof-reading. It does a fanfic good.
*When he landed, Cage was astonished.
Tom: I would be too, if a dude with extended legs landed on the rooftop I was on. While Smokey the Bear was attacking.
*"What are you?" He asked. "The maker of your death," the man said.
Joel: I'm guessing that: a) this is a fic with random fight scenes and no plot, and b) that this the first of many, many cliches to come.
*Then it hit Cage: it was Reptile.
Crow: Then he realised: that this fic was pointless, and he should fire his agent.
*The green ninja suit brought back some remembrance of the tournament.
Joel: Did it now. How odd. How odd that weird flying men should bring back rememberences of the Tournament.
*Cage stared as Reptile's left leg flew up, and hit him in the side of
*the head.
Tom: That was stupid--not to mention bad aim.
Joel: I think that Brad meant the leg hit Cage in the head. I think.
Crow: That must be handy, having extendable, detachable legs that you can throw at people.
Tom: [as Reptile] I took baton lessons for three years!
*Cage flew back, and landed hard. He felt his head, there was
*throbbing from it.
Joel: Can't you normally tell if you have a throbbing head injury without feeling your scalp first?
Tom: Perhaps Cage is slow.
Crow: Perhaps Brad is.
Tom: Perhaps.
*Cage got up, angry at the attack, and ran at reptile. He pushed his
*hands forward, and a green fireball erupted, a power he learned during
*Kombat.
Crow: A power he learned, but never actually used.
Joel: How do you go about learning how to throw fireballs? I think it would be a useful talent to have.
Tom: You send away to the address listed at the back of the comic book under the Charles Atlas ad. And next to the X-Ray Glasses ad.
*Reptile didn't expect this, and was hit dead center, knocking him back
*to the ground.
Joel: I don't think any of us expected Johnny to have an entirely new power that he'd never used before. That Brad may have also made up.
*Reptile got up, and a stream of green liquid flew out of his mouth:
*acid.
Tom: Or else he had eaten a lot of cabbage and was now feeling: nauseated.
*It hit Cage in the chest, making a painful burning sensation.
Crow: The tingly feeling means it's working!
*Cage lifted his shirt up, a nasty rash was there.
Joel: Try GoldBond Medicated Powder--for lots of unseemly rust stains--oh, no, wait, that's CLR's tag line. GoldBond is that stuff that has the ads with the really homely people talking about their "lower torso itch" doesn't it?
Crow&Tom: JOEL! [they shudder] Never speak of that again!
*He got up, threw a punch at Reptile, who blocked then attempted to
*trip Cage. To prevent the trip, Cage did a backflip, kicking Reptile
*in the chin as he did. Cage landed on his feet, Reptile did not.
Tom: So was Reptile actually knocked down, then? Or what? I'm confused.
Joel: There's nothing to get, Tom. This story is basically a scene from the game, only with a semblence of a plot thrown in by having Johnny Cage smoke.
Tom: Oh. You know, I think I'd rather see him get attacked by a giant Smokey the Bear.
Joel: So would I, Tom. So would I.
*Cage ran at Reptile now, as he did, Reptile kicked up
Tom: his heels?
Crow: [singing] Can can can you do the can-can--
*did a roundhouse kick, and hit Cage in the chest, knocking him down.
*Cage rolled a few inches, then kneeled down.
Tom: He... wait, let me get this straight: he kneeled while lying down?
Crow: Cage is talented, what can we say.
Tom: But...! But...!
Joel: What did I just tell you? Badly scripted fight scene!
Tom: But...!
Joel: Trust me, it's only going to get worse before it gets better...
*Reptile ran at Cage, as he did, Cage jumped up with a fireball,
*knocking Reptile's head off.
Joel: See?
Tom: I bow to your superior fanfic skills. Well, I'd bow if I could, that is.
*Cage began breathing in relief as the blood
*stained his shoes.
Crow: [As Cage] Thank god the blood didn't get on the carpet... it's even harder to get out than red wine!
*What was that all about? He thought, puzzled and mixed up.
Joel: I think we're all feeling this same thing...
Crow: Maybe someone shook his box. Get it? Puzzles? Mixed up? Geddit?
Tom: We get it, but you can keep it.
*As he began to go back down to the studio, the building began shaking again.
Joel: [As Cage] Damn Smokey! When will he learn!
*Cage looked up into the sky for another murderous ninja,
*but did not see anyone. It then struck him:
*the building was collapsing.
Tom: Cage doesn't seem like the brightest spark in the world: does he?
Crow: Well, give him a little credit. He did check to see if there was another "murderous ninja" about to fall from the sky. He does learn: eventually.
*Cage decided to jump the rooftop. He ran as fast as he could,
*as he reached the end of the rooftop, he jumped.
All: MATRIX RIP-OFF!
Tom: For shame, Brad. For shame.
*He flew across to the other building, where he did a
*complete roll and landed.
Joel: Shouldn't he be doing the roll after he lands?
Crow: Maybe he did a 360 in mid-air. For no apparent reason... OTHER THAN TO RIP-OFF THE MATRIX!
Joel: Whoa, Crow! Calm down. The scene is over. The rip-off has ended. We're back to our regularly scheduled pointless violent loosely-connected story.
Crow: Thank god for that.
*As he got up, he turned around.
*"Hello," the blue ninja said.
All: ?
Crow: You said it was over! You lied, Joel, lied!
Joel: No, I said that the Matrix scene was over. I never said the rest of the fanfic is over. Besides, at the rate Brad's going, we have a few more characters for Cage to kill.
*Sub-Zero.
Tom: Such as him.
Joel: Exactly.
*The kick that Sub-Zero landed was painful. Cage landed face first.
Tom: Who landed what now? I thought Cage landed already.
Joel: I think "landed" has been used entirely too much. I think Brad just ought to get on with the murderous mayhem and forget all this "landing" business.
*His nose began bleeding.
*Ice began forming in a ball in Sub-Zero's hand.
Crow: You know, those lines have almost a haiku-like quality–almost lyrical–
Tom: Snap out of it, Crow!
Crow: No, really, those lines–the elegant grace of them–
* He screamed as he forced it to fly at Cage.
Crow: ... on the other hand, that line is just plain cheesy.
*Cage did a roll and kicked the iceball from hitting him.
Tom: Wouldn't the ice have...?
Joel&Crow: Don't, Tom.
Joel: Just accept the physics of Brad's world and be done with it.
*Cage got up, and did a spinning kick at Sub-Zero,
*who blocked it with his wrist, grabbed Johnny's
*leg, and twisted it hard.
Tom: [straining] ... must not... point out... impossibilities...
Crow: You can do it, Tom!
Joel: Remember, anything is possible with Bradian Physics...
*"Ahh!" Cage screamed, attempting to limp away
Joel: You know, that's exactly how I feel right now. That should be our new motto, or something.
*as the pain shot up into his leg. Sub-Zero then slid
*across the rooftop, tripping Cage on the ground, groaning
*in pain.
Tom: Hey. Maybe Cage dies, and then Sub-Zero takes over the narrative.
Crow&Joel: There's a narrative??
Joel: Why weren't we informed of this?!
Tom: I just mean... oh, never mind.
*Cage got up, and threw a fireball at Sub-Zero, missing.
All: Ha ha!
Crow: Sucks to be you!
*Sub-Zero now ran at Cage, who fell to the ground,
*extended his leg up, and tripped the ice warrior,
*who fell on his own face.
[silence]
Tom: Joel?
Joel: Yes, Tom?
Tom: What just happened there?
Joel: Oh. Um. Well... Sub-Zero–no, wait, maybe it was Cage–someone tripped someone else who fell. On their face. We just don't know who. We think.
Crow&Tom: [whimpers]
*Cage then began to build
*a fireball,
Crow: Someone obviously forgot the last incident involving fire and a giant Smokey the Bear...
*and as he did, he fired it at the ice warriors head,
*smashing it in, making Cage take his second victim of the day.
Tom: [As Cage] Dammit! I hate when you guys make me kill you! Now I have to stamp another little skull and crossbones on my dressing-room door!
*He then jumped the building and went back into the studio
Joel: Can't he ever take the frickin' stairs?
Crow: Joel! I'm shocked!
Joel: What? At the scandulous use of the word "frickin'"?
Crow: No, that there were stairs...
*where he saw the entire cast and crew . . . mutilated.
All: ?
Tom: Huh? What the hell just happened there?
Crow: Apparently Brad is not satisfied with just killing off MK characters... now poor innocent gaffers and make-up artists have to die!
Joel: Unless....
Tom: What?
Joel: Unless this is what's known as... a plot twist.
Crow: [nervously] That's crazy. A Plot Twist? Here? In a story by someone named Brad? That's called "MK: Deathmatch?" That's crazy. You're crazy, Joel. Don't you think he's crazy, Tom? Crazy, I tell ya....
*What the f --
Joel: Frick. I'm sure it's supposed to be "what the frick".
Tom: Of course it is.
*Cage was cut off by the sound of nearby footsteps.
*Cage discovered they were . . .
Crow: ...Colonel Mustard in the observatory with the knife....
*Kitana's.
Joel: What were Kitana's?
Tom: The footprints. I think.
*"Kitana? You did this?"
All: All hail our Lord and Master, the Disembodied Voice!
*"Uh -- eh -- ah --" she wasn't answering.
*"Why?"
*"No -- I -- didn't -- uh --"
Crow: Kitana's got serious stage fright.
Tom: I would too, if I had to carry on a conversation with the Disembodied Voice.
*"Why did you? Was it Kahn? Huh?"
All: ?
Crow: What the f–
Joel: Crow...
Crow: ...frickin' hell is going on here?
Tom: Only the Voice knows.
Crow: At least somebody does. Too bad it's not us.
*Before she could answer, a blade appeared
*through her throat, someone had just
*thrown it into her neck.
Crow: Oh no! Now we'll never discover if it was Professor Plum in the library with the taser!
Joel: Crow! He didn't have a taser!
Crow: He does in my version...
*As Kitana's body fell, it exposed Jax.
Joel: Like Kitana would be able to conceal Jax, who's like three feet taller than her and twice as wide.
Crow: Remember the whole thing about "Bradian Physics"?
Joel: Ah, yes. Carry on.
"Jax? But I thought you were with us. The Black -- Keno."
Joel: So that's where Jax is when he's not around? Playing cards?
Tom: Bad Jax! This is no time to be thinking about Vegas!
*"It was all a game -- an act."
Crow: I see. Jax has a act now... magic, perhaps? [As Jax] For my next trick, I'll detach my leg and throw it at myself...
*"Why?"
Joel: No matter how many times that question gets asked, there's never a good answer.
*"Emperor Kahn does pay good money."
Joel: But then, there's first time for everything.
Crow: So Khan pays for Jax to go on the road?
Tom: Yeah–and in turn, he gets ten percent.
*Jax began to grin. But before he could laugh,
*Cage already had put a fireball through his abdomen.
Crow: So. Let me get this straight. Jax, a travelling magician with a penchant for playing Keno, has apparently, for no logical reason, decided to kill Kitana and the members of Cage's studio. As he begins to laugh–I'm sorry, before he begins to laugh, Cage kills him.
Joel: You know, I don't think even Bradian Physics can come up with an explanation.
*As Cage left, Kahn shadowed him, ready to crack his neck . . .
Joel: Huh? Where'd he come from?
*THE END?
All: AAAAAAAHHHH!
Tom: God only hopes so!
Crow: Wait, wait. I'm still confused. Why is Khan suddenly in the studio? Why did it end there? I don't understand.
Joel: No one does. Now, let's just get out of here before Brad tries to write a sequel... that question mark gave me the heebie-jeebies...
Later...
Joel sat down in the kitchen, waving the faint odours of burnt tuna away from his nose. "You know..." he began thoughtfully, "that fic wasn't all that bad."
Crow and Tom turned to stare at him.
"What did you just say?" Tom demanded. "You're kidding, right?"
"I mean it. Yes, it was confusing, and yes, Brad needs to pay a bit more attention to physics, but really, it wasn't that bad." Joel sighed. "I mean, he was trying. There was a Plot Twist."
"But the plot twist made no sense!" Crow wailed. "None of it made any sense! Having Cage battle Smokey the Bear would have made just as much sense, and it would have been funnier, too!"
Joel thought for a moment. "I have to agree with you there," he said at last. "But... I just think that maybe... if Brad works really hard..."
"He might be able to raise himself to the level of Mediocre? Well, he can dream," Tom replied dryly.
Joel shook his head. "You two are terrible."
"I still don't understand...." Crow continued to wail.
The REAL End.