Joel Robinson yawned as he walked into the kitchen. He nodded hello to Crow and Tom, who were in karate gis, then turned to get a cup of coffee. He stopped. He turned.
"Ummmm, guys?" he said hesitently, his voice rising a few pitches at the end. "Why are you in gis?"
"Mortal Kombat Day, remember?" Crow said excitedly. At the word "mortal" sirens started going off, and the lights started flashing. The whole display, from beginning to end lasted five minutes, and took two years off Joel's life.
"What?" he finally said.
"Well, Joel," Tom began, "Today we're dressing up as our favourite Mortal Kombat characters. I'm Rayden." He tossed the white wig with a shake of his head.
"And I'm Johnny Cage." added Crow, putting on a pair of cool shades.
"We've got your costume set up in the bathroom for you to put on," Tom added. He and Crow exchanged a look.
"Aw, thanks," Joel said, yawning again. He was still a bit groggy from sleep, and as he started toward the bathroom, he stopped, and turned to face the Bots, a bit puzzled.
"My favourite character is Kitana," he said, confusedly.
"It's all been taken care of, Joel." Crow said firmly. Joel nodded, and opened the bathroom door. He stopped in his tracks.
"Oh dear," was all he said.
The Theatre.... Joel: These high heels are killing me. Crow: That body suit looks uncomfortable, too. Joel: Don't even get me started... Tom: Speaking of started, here comes this week's special... *Walking Death- A Baraka Story Crow: Sounds better than "Walking Death - A Love Story" *It was a week after the final Tournament of Shang Tsung. Joel: And most of the guests still had hang-overs. *The combatants, at least the ones who survived, had all returned *to their lives. Tom: I take it, then, that the dead ones didn't. Joel: Safe assumption. *Johnny Cage had gone back to filming Dragon Fist III, Crow: Coming soon to a theatre near you! *Raiden had returned to the sky and to godly matters, Tom: Such as getting his birth certificate changed to read "Rayden" with a "y". *Scorpion had gone to wander the world, Crow: With his trusty smell-hound at his side. Joel: And his gun named "Betsy". *and Liu Kang had returned to his temple. Tom: So that he could resume pestering people in airports with his fellow monks. *Sub-Zero was killed by Scorpion, Crow: What?! Joel: No, see, that was his BROTHER. Crow: What?! WHO?! Joel: [Shrugs] I don't know either. *and Sonya and Kano had killed each other. Tom: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that wrong?! Joel: You expected continuity? So soon? *Liu Kang returned to his temple to find it in ruins, Crow: The donations being especially low that year. *the only survivor being Kung Lao, the last decendent of the *great Kung Lao. All: ? Joel: I thought Liu Kang was the last descendant of Kung Lao. Tom: I thought you couldn't be your own descendant. Crow: I thought...na, you probably don't want to know what I thought. Joel: Probably not, no. *I must have missed him when I stormed the temple. All: ? Crow: Who what why when how? Joel: That pretty much covers it. Tom: Who's talking? I lost track. Crow: There WAS no track. *By the way, my name is Baraka. Joel: [As Baraka] But you can call me Twinkletoes. *I am the leader of the Khashigei. Crow: Who are they? Tom: A gang of the most fearsome and despicable warriors alive. Crow: Pro wrestlers? Tom: Worse! High school students! Crow: [Shudders] *Yes, the famed band of mutants of the Outworld. Joel: Lead by Cyclops, of the X-men? Tom: Fan-boy! Crow: Oh, I hope Jean Grey's going to show up--she's such a hottie! *Yes, Shao Khan is my lord. Tom: [Deep Darth Vader Voice] I have felt him, my lord. Crow: [Emperor Voice] Strange that I have not yet felt him... Joel: Guys... *Yes, I am a mutant. Crow: Bring on Storm! Tom: I thought you were after Jean Grey. Crow: I'll take what I can get! *You got a problem with that? Joel: Yes, yes I do. *Anyways, I had just finished killing the last of the Shaolin Crow: Apart from Liu, and this Kung Lao guy, who's apperantly his own descendant-- Tom: Maybe the family is orignally from the Ozarks? *when that snake Shang Tsung called me and my mutants back to the Joel: ...X-men Mansion. Tom: ...Bat Cave. Crow: ...Future. *Outworld. I never did trust him or that bodyguard Reptile of *his. Joel: [John Wayne voice] Ya schemin' varmint. *"What do you want, Tsung? Crow: A decent bagel! *"Shao Khan wishes to see you, Baraka. He is pleased with *your... performance in the Shaolin temple." Tom: [As Baraka] Tell him that at Friday Matinees Seniors get in for half-price! *Oh great. Old skullface himself. Joel: All right! Skeletor! Tom: As if the X-men weren't enough, he has to bring in He-Man. Crow: Never mind He-Man, bring on She-ra!!! *Oh well, I guess it's better to be led by him, instead of some *wuss, or a dick like Shang Tsung... All: Can we say adolescent male?! Joel: Thank God I grew out of that phase! Crow: Since when? *I gotta admit, he is an impressive sight. Tom: [As Baraka] He just has the most delicious buns! *He is built, Crow: ...like a brick? *and he wears a skull helmet, and, for some funky reason, a belt *with a happy face buckle. Joel: That's pretty funky all right. Tom: I think this fic is funky--mostly the way it smells. *"Baraka, you did well in the Shaolin temple. Your fighting *skills are only surpassed by Adj. General Kintaro. Crow: Who the hell is Adjective General Kintaro?! Tom: Some one who couldn't be described any other way? *You and your band will be a fine addition to my army." Tom: Uncle Shao Wants You! Crow: Be all that you can be! Joel: Which, judging from this fanfic, is not much! *"Yes, Lord Khan. But, I wish to speak to you about Shang Tsung. *Why do you keep him around? He is obviously not worthy, after *losing his so called "Tournament" to Liu Kang. Joel: After getting so called "killed" by Liu Kang. Tom: Yes, but appearantly Sonya and Kano killed each other, and Scorpion killed Sub-Zero, and they were even on the same side! And Kung Lao is descended from himself! So anything can happen. Joel: Why do I get the ominous feeling that it's going to? *And why did you restore his youth? Crow: [As Shao Kahn] I didn't do that--it was the Oil of Olay! *Besides, I think he's a real dickhead." Joel: The same, my dear Author, could be applied to you. *"I have plans for him. I need him to collect the necessary *souls so he can build a permanent bridge to the Earth Realm so I *may conquer it. Tom: Holy Run-On Sentance, Batman! Joel: I don't understand--how will having souls build a bridge? Crow: So many mysteries, so little interest. *But that is not of your concern. Tom: Unfortunately, since we're stuck here, it is. *I wish for you to see my new prisoners. Joel: I wish for you to shut up! Crow: [Singing] I wish I may, I wish I might.... *You may be leading them into battle one day." He pointed to his *right and left, Tom: The little arrows were on his shoes. *and manacled to chains and posts, were Kano and Sonya! Crow: Woohoo! Kinky! This might not be a bad fic after all! Joel: Crow... Tom: I thought Kano and Sonya "killed each other". Crow: And I thought this fic was going to be boring!!! *"My lord, why them? Give me the word and I will..." Joel: ...shave my head. Tom: ...take the Old Spice Challenge. Crow: ...punish them in the name of the Moon! *"You will do nothing, Baraka. Tom: That shouldn't be hard. *I want the Outworld to corrupt their souls Crow: ...And steal their wallets... *so I may command them in my army. Joel: Drop down and give me fifty! *Now go Baraka, and see what Shang Tsung wants you to do." Crow: Heh heh heh... Joel: [To Tom] Crow is having WAY too much fun with this fic. *"Yes, my lord." All: Hail to Thee, Oh Disembodied Voice! *I left to see what that snake Tsung wanted me to do. Crow: I repeat: Heh heh heh... *He wanted me to accompany him to the Shaolin temple Crow: I knew it! I knew it! *to "invite" Liu Kang to his latest scheme. Joel: I think Crow might be on to something. Tom: Maybe that's why everybody seems to be descended from each other. *He was going to have a Tournament in the Outworld. Tom: And he needed a really good caterer. *Shao Khan's legendary assassins, Kitana and Mileena, were going *to enter, as well as Reptile. I entered it too, just to see *some action. Crow: We know what kind of action he wants... *Anyways, Tsung did this funky sorcery thing, Joel: Funky! Groovy! Trippy! I think the author dude might be on something, man. Tom: Turn on, Tune in, drop dead. *and we were magically there. Joel: Where? Crow: Here! Tom: Anywhere! *Tsung called out for Kang, and he came, Crow: So many things to say...can't say them all at once... Tom: Crow was definitely right. *and Tsung introduced me, and of course, Reptile was there too. Joel: Oh, of course. Crow: At last count, this was a foursome. Tom: And Kitana and Mileena haven't even joined in yet. Joel: Guys...let's try and keep *some* decorum, shall we? Crow: I can't promise I'll try, but I promise to try to try. *Kang yelled, and did his flying kick, but he missed us. Tom: Uh oh, lover's quarrel. *Then Reptile pulled down his hood and spat his venom on to Kang. *It hit him with a hiss, and Kang yelled in pain. Joel: He probably said some unprintables, too. *"What's wrong, Kang? Losing your touch? Crow: Do I need to say anything here? Joel: NO. *I invite you to a second Tournament. Refuse, and I will destroy *you." Tom: Cuz that's the way loves goes. *"Tsung, you lying dog!! Crow: [As Liu Kang] You promised me we'd be together forever! *I challenge you now so I may defeat you for a final time!!" Joel: You have to admit, it was pretty final the last time. When Liu Kang *kinda* killed Shang Tsung. Tom: Oh, *that*. It's water under the bridge. *"I will not be tempted by you, Shaolin dog. Crow: Again, I think nothing needs to be said. *Do not try to , or do you wish Baraka here do try his hand at *you?" Crow: Do you notice how much I'm restraining myself?! Joel: You're doing very well, Crow. Now, let's just see if you can keep the act up... *I smiled at these words, and extended my arm blades with a loud **ching*. Tom: Why are his arm blades making a sound like a cash register? Joel: That's "cha-ching", Tom. Tom: Oh. My mistake...I think. *I snapped them together, and a bright blue spark erupted from *them and hit him in the chest. Joel: What did he do, rub them with a balloon first? *He yelped in pain and jumped back. *"I accept you invitation, Tsung. And this time I will destroy *you!!" Crow: [As Liu Kang] Like I did the first time! *"I doubt it. Be at the temple gates in one week, or you will *surely be destroyed. Tom: Aren't they already at the gates? How long is it going to take him to get there? *By the way, Reptile and Baraka will be fighting in the *Tournament. I wouldn't doubt it if you were finished by either *of them. Good day, Shaolin dog." Joel: [As Liu Kang] Goodbye, peasent wench. *And with that, we dissapeared from his sight I couldn't wait *until my battle with him. Crow: [As Baraka] Are we there yet? Are we there yet?! *I asked Tsung who else was going to be in his Tournament. *"Well, Baraka, I'm going to... coerce Johnny Cage to enter this *one, Joel: How is he going to do that? Wait, I don't even want to know... Tom: Monkeys and a carrot? *the Ice Ninja Sub-Zero will enter it, or should I say Sub-Zero's *brother will enter, Tom: Who is also his grandfather... Joel: How come, when all these dead people are coming back to life, Sub-Zero stays, pardon the pun, on ice? Tom: He didn't have a good enough agent? *just to try to assassinate me again, Crow: [As Shang Tsung] Oh, those darn assassinatoin attempts! *and since he's going to enter, Joel: He's eligible to win the BIG PRIZE! Crow&Tom: Oooooh! Aaaaaaww! *Scorpion will enter too. Joel: But in order to do so, he'll have to guess the skill_ testing question. *I have a feeling that the last decendant of that maggot Kung Lao Tom: You mean...gasp...KUNG LAO?! *will enter, and an Earth warrior named Jax, who will try to *rescue Sonya. Crow: Guys are dumb that way. *Reptile will enter, of course as well as Kitana and Mileena. Joel: And now that we've met our contestants, let's see what's behind curtain number three! *I also will be in the Tournament. And if I am defeated, Adj. *General Kintaro wil rip the warrior from limb to limb." Tom: There's that Adjective again! *This all happened just a few minutes ago. Joel: And yet it feels like a lifetime. *I have been thinking of a plan to defeat Shang Tsung. Crow: I have been thinking of a way to stop reading this fic, but then I realised sucide was the only option. *And maybe if I can defeat Kintaro, I might be able to finally *defeat Shao Khan! Joel: And if he defeats Shao Khan, that will give him a shot at winning the toaster. *Then I will rule the Outworld! Tom: And then the world! Muhahahahaha...oh, wait. *I'll even be able to make Mileena finally marry me! Crow: Chicks dig violent knife-wielding psychotics. Tom: *Especially* megalomaniac violent knife-wielding psychotics. *Yes, I do have a slight crush on her. You got a problem with *that? *ching* Joel: She might, if you keep making that dumb "ching" noise all the time. Crow: [As Mileena] Hey, would you keep it down in there?! I'm on the phone! * Tom: How the hours just fly by. Joel: Especially when you're having fun. *I've got it! Crow: Took him long enough.... *Not only will I enter the Tournament, Joel: I thought that was decided already? Tom: Don't assume anything...it confuses things even more. *but when I defeat Kintaro Crow: And his fearsome army of Description Words... *(fucking wuss... He always walks in to my blades... Joel: He forgets to knock. *Strong, but dumb...), Tom: Or just plain dumb. *I'll heav to fight Shao Khan... Joel: Is that a misspell of "heave" Crow: I'm heaving too--from reading this. *It will be so easy. I saw Raiden fight Mileena earlier. Tom: I thought Rayden was going around, you know, doing "god stuff". *She defeated him, of course, and killed him. Joel: Naturally. Tom: How easy it is, to kill an Immortal. *God I love that woman! Crow: He shouldn't be saying that--that woman just killed God! *Hopefully I won't have to kill her. Tom: That would be a major bummer. *I get to fight that dickhead Reptile today. Joel: I wonder if the author knows any other ways to insult people. *How special. Crow: As in "special needs"? *I know all of his tricks... His "invisibility" won't fase me in *the least. Tom: It's good that he won't be fased. Crow: I don't know about you, but I'm dazed. Joel: And I'm continually amazed. *I'll be able to hear him. Tom: Too bad we have to read him. *Why the hell do you think that I have such big ears for? Crow: Your Prince Charles impression? **ching* That was refreshing. Joel: What was? It certainly wasn't the cliched "ching". *Reptile actually fought well... But not well enough. Tom: That's like saying this fic is written well--but not well enough. Crow: Well enough to be read by the general public? Tom: Who else should read it? Crow: Hardened criminals? *He's... hanging around, if you know what I mean.. All: Nope. *If you're that dumb, he's on the ceiling of the Kombat Tomb, *impaled on the same spiked that used to serve him dinner... Joel: If you're going to insult us, I'm afraid we're going to have to leave. Crow: But we can't leave... Joel: Then we're...uh...well, we'll do something nasty--just let me think of it. *Fitting, isn't it? Tom: Oh, yes. The irony is completely astounding, it's so deep and meaningful. *Damn. I have to fight Mileena today. Joel: Don't you hate it when that happens? Crow: I have a question. Joel: Don't we all? *I'll keep the ring I killed Blocker for in my gi. If I win, I'm *gonna give it to her.. Damn, I love her! Crow: Can I say my question now? Joel: [Sighs] I guess so. Crow: Why is it that Baraka is fighting EVERYBODY, even people on his own side? Joel: You know, that's a good question. Tom: It has a good answer too: the author is insane. *Thank the unholy that I won. Tom: Doesn't that mean that he had to kill Mileena, his one true love? *But for some reason, I don't think that the Khan was happy over *my gift for Mileena... Joel: Who would be, since Mileena's now dead? *After announcing my victory, he said, "Friendship... *FRIENDSHIP?!?" Crow: I think that's what we're all saying, deep down. *I got what you would call a very strict and painful lecture over *that one... Tom: Not painful enough to kill him, I see. Rats. *But I think Mileena was impressed. Joel: Chicks dig friendship. *Ha! I just killed that dick Jax. Tom: I'm beginning to wonder if "dick" is a term of affection for the author--he seems to be using it at every opportunity. Crow: I think there is definitely a theme... *Oh boy, was he a threat. I guess Tsung just got some "soul *food" Joel: What, devilled eggs? Crow: Devilled ham? Tom: Devil's Food Cake? *What, you don't think that's funny?? I do... *ching* Now you *do. Joel: Oh, yes, now we do. All: NOT. *Yes! I finally get to fight that idiot Liu Kang. I will *destroy him!!! Crow: Hopefully. Tom&Joel: What? Crow: I just realised that this fanfic is not going to be over until Baraka kills every one of the MK characters, so we might as well hope he's done quickly. *He is no match for my awesome fighting skills. Besides, he *dosn't have these babies... *ching* Joel: That "ching" is really starting to bother me! Crow: Well, it shouldn't be long now. Not very many characters left... *Got the bastard. Tom: Oh, look: he's come up with a subsitute for "dickhead". *He thouhgt he was gonna get to do his windmill kick on me... I *don't think so. He hung off of my blades rather good as I *impaled his ass. Crow: That's a nasty way to go--through the butt-- Joel: Thank you, Crow. I don't think we needed that. *I just love that high pitched scream. Tom: Teehee! [High-pitched girlish giggle] Joel: I don't think that's what he meant... *I can still hear it now... Scorpion is next. Oh no, a dead guy. Crow: Those are the worst kind. *I'm so fucking scared. I'll cut his fucking head off. And then *keep that skull for a trophy. Tom: Great interior decorating skills. *You know... I think that skull is gonna look pretty good on my *wall, don't you??? Ha ha ha ha... Joel: Not really--it won't match the drapes. *Sub-Zero... I wonder how it would have been if i had to fight *him... too bad Scorpion fried his ass... Oh well... All: Darn. *I'm gonna let Kitana live... After all, she IS Mileena's twin *sister, Crow: How generous. Joel: It's not every day a guy is in a position where he can kill his in-laws. *and if Johnny Cage gets lucky, then I'll always have her to fall *back on.... Joel: Crow... Crow: What?! I haven't said anything yet! Joel: Preventative measures. *Nah... never mind. My babe just killed Cage. Sucked him in Crow: .... Tom: Don't worry, Crow--nothing needs to be said. *and spit out the bones. I love her smile. Reminds me of... *why, my own! Joel: Are they descended from each other, too? *Oh yeah, Kitana, or rather her skeleton, is floating in the dead *pool... Oh well, she would have been a nice piece of ass to *take for my own... Tom: Um, so Kitana just spontaneously died by drowning? Crow: Don't argue, just be thankful it's another one down. *I am gonna kill that dick Tsung!! Tom: We never doubted that for a second. Joel: Because the plot is so obvious? Tom: Yes. *He just decided to bring that asshole Liu Knag back to life, *after I took all the pains of impaling his ass!!! Crow: Oh no! Another character to kill! *Oh well, I'll just kill him right now... Hey Kang, c'mere for a *second, I wanna talk to you... *ching* "AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Joel: That's pretty much how I feel right now. *Tsung is dead... I chopped off his head. Crow: Hey, that rhymes. Tom: So? The story still sucks. Crow: Yes, but at least now it sucks in poetry! Joel: Doggrel, you mean. *time to fight Kintaro... Oh boy what a challenge. Tom: A $64 000 Challenge? Crow: The Old Spice Challenge? Joel: Space Shuttle Challenger? *What'd I tell ya? The dumb ass walked right into my chopping *blades. Crow: I guess the Adjective never got the Boy Scout badge for orienteering. *Time after time, his ass got chopped... he was strong but like *the typical four-armed brute, dumb. Joel: That's a broad generalisation to be making. *Now I get to fight the Khan!! Crow: Is the Khan related to the Fonz? Tom: Or Elvis? *I can't wait untill tomorrow!! But, I get to see Mileena *tonight. I hope I can get her in the sack. She is such a babe! Joel: This is getting sad. Crow: What do you mean, "getting"? *Ding dong the Khan is dead, The Khan is dead, I cut his head!! *Ding dong the dumb ass Khan is dead!! Crow: One question.... Tom: No, it doesn't make any sense why Khan would fight in his own tournament. Crow: Oh, okay. *Now, I can lead my band of mutants into battle, Joel: Battle? Battle who? There's no one left! *and I will finally rule this world. And Mileena will be my *queen. Yes, i got her in bed last night. Crow: Even *I'm* not sure if I want to know the details... *Let me tell you, she is a screamer!! OH but what she can do *with those sais!! Joel: If this gets any worse, I'm going to... Crow: Puke your socks up? Joel: Yes. *I know I'm in love. Oh well, time to take over the world! Tom: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky? Crow: Yes, Brain, but it's probably NOT over yet--there's got to be somebody else to kill. *(Author's note: Crow: Like him. *Actually, I have nothing to say. Joel: Then why have an author's note in the first place? Tom: So that he can leave his address, and we can send him bombs? Real ones? *Besides the fact that this story proves what you all have been *thinking. I am insane. All: ... Joel: I don't know about you, but *I* certainly wasn't thinking that. Crow: I wasn't thinking that at all. I was thinking that the author should be subjected to at least three hours of forced listening to Lionel Richie to make up for the pain and suffering inflicted on us. Tom: I was thinking something else, but Crow's is better. *Thank you for your support.) Joel: Oh, no problem. Really. I mean that. All: NOT. Crow: Let's get out of here--before somebody else shows up that he'll be forced to kill. Badly.
"Well, Mortal Kombat Day was a big waste of time," Joel said, even as the sirens started going off. "Hey, turn that damn thing off, will ya? I've got enough of a headache."
"Yeah, it was a big bust," Tom said as he took off the Rayden wig. Crow stumbled around for a bit, since he was still wearing the shades, but he took them off, and went to the computer to shut off the automatic siren sequence.
"These heels are really killing me." Joel said ruefully. "I wonder how Talisa Soto does it."
"Simple. She got paid. A lot." Crow said.
"That helps. I think I am going to go get changed. Maybe have a hot shower--go back to bed..."
"Okay, but don't be long--we've got Part Two coming up," Tom said. "That's where all the characters are broght back to life so that Baraka can kill them again."
"What?!" yelled Crow and Joel simaultaneously.
"Ha, ha! Just kidding. Hey, guys, it was just a joke-- really--hey, guys, stop it--eeek--"
The REAL End.