JOAN DEARC: a teenage girl, has New York accent until Scene Two.
MOM DEARC: has New York Accent, at home mom, loves her children, worries about them.
POP DEARC: has New York Accent, head of the family
NOAH DEARC: has New York accent, younger brother of JOAN, slightly bratty.
DR. KAFUFFLE: May have german or english accent, but not New York. Sounds cultured.
Scene One: a girl's bedroom, complete with dresser, etc. JOAN is sitting on her bed, reading. Then GOD starts to talk.
Joan: What? Who's calling? Hello?
God: Joan, it's God.
Joan: God?! You can't be God!
God: Yes. I God. You Joan. Everything clear now?
Joan: I think so.
God: Good. So. How are you Joan?
Joan: I'm okay...?
God: Great. That's really good. Joan, I have a message for you...
Scene Two: the DeArc dinner table. MOM, POP, her little brother NOAH and JOAN herself are gathered around the dinner table, eating quietly.
Pop: So I was saying to Feldman at work today...[JOAN becomes very fidgety, then stands up and yells.]
Joan: God has given me a message! God has made me his messenger! I have been given a Holy Mission! I will gather France together and drive the English from our land! [JOAN sits back down. The family reacts in confusion.]
Mom: What was that all about, Joanie? You don't like the English people living downstairs or something?
Noah: We don't live in France, stupid.
Mom: Noah, don't call names.
Noah: But we don't!
Pop: Now, Joanie, something the matter? Are you in a school play or something? Are you practising?
Mom: Oh lovely. I love school plays.
Joan: I am not in the school play. I am a Holy Crusader. I will lead the armies of France!
Mom: Wow, you're really good at this staying in character stuff, sweetheart. But that's enough practising at the dinner table. [The family stats eating again. JOAN looks as if she's listening.]
Joan: God has told me to gather an army! To not be swayed in my quest! France will be victorious!
Mom: Sure it will, sweetheart. Do you want some more potatoes? [JOAN shakes her head no, and POP chews thoughtfully while looking at his daughter.]
Scene Three: A busy street corner. JOAN is standing on a box, yelling. People are walking by, without paying any more attention that the odd glance in her direction.
Joan: We must rise up against our oppressors! We must gather our armies, and drive the English devils from our land! Stand with me, brethren, in battle! Only by the sword will our land be reclaimed! [MOM walks in, annoyed.]
Mom: Joanie! I thought I told you! No raising armies before your homework is done! [She grabs JOAN by the ear, and leads her off, protesting.] You father wants to talk to you! He's been looking for you everywhere, and here you are, preaching on a street corner!
Scene Four: Inside the house, in the living room. The family is gathered. POP clears his throat.
Joan: Yes, Father?
Pop: What is it with his "Father" business? I used to be plain ol' "Pop", and now suddenly I'm "Father"! Look, Joanie, I want to have a talk with you about this. Your mother and I, we're worried about this "voice" you've been hearing. We thought it was just a phase, but it's been two weeks already. We're worried.
Mom: Plus, the Frobishers downstairs are sick of you standing out side their door screaming: "Die, English, die!"
Pop: We want you to see a psychiatrist.
Joan: [Stands up] You think that something is wrong with me, Father, but you are the one who is wrong. I am finally, gloriously right! I have heard the voice of God, and I will carry out his mission!
Pop: [To MOM] That's it, she's seeing the shrink in the morning!
Scene Five: Dr. KAFUFFLE's office. There is a sofa, and a few chairs. JOAN is on the sofa, and DR. KAFUFFLE is taking notes.
Dr. Kafuffle: Now, Joan, tell me about your father.
Joan: Nothing is wrong with my father. I will lead the armies--
Dr. Kafuffle: Yes, Joan. Now, how does your father feel about you hearing these "voices"?
Joan: He mocks my sincerity! He believes I made the voice up! But I did not--It is the voice of God!
Dr. Kafuffle: Yes, Joan. Do your mother and father get along?
Joan: Yes. I will--
Dr. Kafuffle: Lead the armies of France, yes, yes. Now tell me, do you love your father?
Joan: [becoming confused] yes...?
Dr. Kafuffle: Do you crave his attention?
Joan: No. I do not need his attention! I have my quest! My holy quest!
Dr. Kafuffle: Uh huh. [Writes in notebook]
Scene Six: The office waiting room. POP, MOM and NOAH are waiting outside.
Mom: I hope he finds the cause. It's been three weeks already. And these sessions are quite expensive.
Pop: You're telling me this? [DR. KAFUFFLE and JOAN come outside.]
Dr. Kafuffle: Ah. Mr. and Mrs. DeArc. I think we have finally made a breakthrough.
Pop: Really? [under his breath] Thank god, this is costing me a ton...
Dr. Kafuffle: Yes. Apparently, Mr. DeArc, you failed to make good on a promise to take your daughter to the Zoo when she was four. The feelings of rejection she felt have finally manifested now in this behaviour, which is really a cry for attention.
Joan: [Woodenly] Yes. The Voice was only a manifestation of my inward feelings of rejection.
Mom: [Beams] Well, thank you for curing our daughter, Dr. Kafuffle. [DR. KAFUFFLE nods and exits. The family to get on their coats, and starts to leave. NOAH is lagging a bit. The family freezes in tableau.]
God: Shoot. There goes another one. This is getting more and more difficult. Peter!
Saint Peter: Yes, God?
God: Where's old Sigmund? He's been causing me a lot of problems. I'll never save France at this rate.
Peter: He's in sector 7-G, God.
God: Well, move him into the basement for a bit. That'll teach him to muck about in my business.
Peter: Yes God.
God: Hmm. I guess I'll have to put that France project on the back burner for now. On to my next little task...Oh Noah...Noah... [NOAH unfreezes from Tableau.]
Noah: Yes? Who's there? Mom? Pop?
God: It's God.
Noah: No way!
God: Way. Now, Noah, I have a little job for you. It involves getting some wood and animals together, oh, and bring your umbrella....
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