This is an MSTing of a Backstreet Boys fanfic. Hey, don't blame me - I didn't write the fanfic! If you're reading this and recognize it as your work, for godsakes don't take credit. For the record I would like to state that my name isn't Mike nor do I know either of the Bots. Direct your fanmail elsewhere. Oh yeah, and I don't know the Backstreet Boys either. No animals were harmed in the making of this parody, yada yada yada. ~ Gabrielle
Mike and the Bots slid into their seats in resignation. Fanfic was bad enough but Backstreet Boys fanfic was pushing the limits of tolerance. Expecting some sort of introduction or even a title, they sat back and waited. Quite abruptly the fanfic started.
Crow: Why waste time with titles when you can just jump right in, I always say.
Mike: I have a bad feeling about this one.
"Enough, Will you grow up?!"
Tom: Who's Will?
"I'm just having a little fun, you don't have ta freak!"
"I'm SO fed up with you always fooling around, We have to practice."
"Whoa, Kevin don't just get mad at Nick, we were all jokin' around." Howie said clamly.
Tom: As he clamly grabbed Nick's throat.
Mike: And clamly strangled him.
"He always goes too far, why can't he be serious for once?" Kevin yelled glaring at Nick.
"I can be serious..." Nick started.
"But you don't."
Mike: ... fool me.
Tom: ... look good in that jacket.
"And why is it always me? Why don't you yell at the others?" Nick asked angerly.
Crow: (as Kevin) Because the others don't speak to me angerly.
Mike: They speak clamly.
"They know when they've gone too far, you don't. You're always making an ass out of yourself and I'm sick of it." Kevin screamed leaving the room.
"Come on Nick, you know you were going a little over board." Brian said.
Tom: Are they on a boat?
Crow: No, but I like the sound of them going overboard anyways.
"Yeah so maybe I was, but that doesn't give him the right to yell at me all the time." Nick said trying to clam down.
Mike: They must be on a boat. There are clams everywhere!
"Five minutes boys." Paul, a stage personal said.
Crow: Single White Male, likes the spotlight and seafood, doesn't mind bad music...
"Okay. Nick are you ready to go on?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, I guess." Nick said softly. Howie had gone to talk to Kevin and clam him down.
Mike: I feel seasick.
"Ahhhh!!! It's the Backstreet Boys!" The crowd of fans screamed as they walked onto the stage. They sang: It's Gotta Be You, Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely, Back to Your Heart, I Need You Tonight, Don't Wanna Lose You Now, Spanish Eyes, Don't Want You Back and Larger Than Life.
Tom: Is that all one song?
"And that makes you larger than life!" They finished as the fireworks went off.
Mike: Concerts are so rushed these days.
Crow: I'd have asked for my money back.
Crow: ESPECIALLY if they're shooting at me.
"Fire!" People screamed, running towards the back doors. Kevin started running followed by Brian, AJ, Howie and Nick.
"Where's Nick?" Brian yelled over the screams when they got outside.
Tom: Uh... right behind Howie.
"I don't know? He was right behind me." Howie yelled looking around.
"What if he didn't get out? What if something happened to him?" Brian said as horrible thoughts crossed his mind. He started to run back to the building but Kevin grabbed him just as the building blew up.
Mike: Now THERE'S a concert.
Crow: Are you sure it wasn't Motley Crue?
"Ahhh!!" Brian screamed hitting the ground after the explotion. Pieces of building and rock landed
around him as he covered his face. Suddenly a hard, shiney object hit his arm.
Crow: The crowd threw pennies to show their appreciation.
Mike: I don't think this story is worth even a penny so far.
Tom: Give it a chance. The Boys just blew up a building with their singing.
Crow: What happened to the boat?
Mike: And the clams?
"Nick's anchor." Brian said picking it up. "Then he was still in there." Tears streamed down his face.
Mike: Oh... that explains it. An anchor really slows you down.
Crow: Maybe he went back to save the clams.
* * * * *
Back at the house, the phone rang.
Tom: Meanwhile, back on the ranch...
"I'll get it." Kevin said picking it up, hoping it was news about Nick. Good news about Nick. "Hello!"
"Hello, this is Officer Hicks. I'm sorry. We couldn't find a body. Even if we did, nobody could have servived an explotion like that. I'm very sorry." He said.
Tom: Yep, yer friend is purty much toast. He's all over the place. We'll git a bucket and bring 'im to ya.
"Thank you." Kevin said as he hung up the phone.
Mike: No, thank YOU. One down, four to go.
Crow: Mike, that wasn't very nice.
Mike: I'm sorry.
Crow: Yeah. Don't make us wait out four more deaths... have them die all at once next time. Show some consideration...
"Well?" Brian asked. Kevin slowly shook his head.
"No!" Brian said brusting into tears.
Tom: I'm assuming the brusting has something to do with the clams.
"It's late, we should all get some rest. We can make the funeral plans tomorrow." Kevin said helping his cousin and leading him up to his room, the others slowly followed.
Mike: What others?
Crow: The other flowers... see?
Later that night Brian awoke to a strange moaning sound coming from outside. He got up and ran to the door, opening it to see Nick collapse on the porch.
"Nick!" Brian yelled waking everyone inside. Brian picked up his unconscious friend and carried him inside to find the others standing there in shock. Brian and Kevin got Nick to his bed as Kevin picked up the phone and started to call 911.
Tom: So they all live in the same house?
Mike: Kevin is a phone hog. Maybe he should get his own line.
Crow: Does this mean there's five of them again?
"No, I don't wanna go." Nick moaned trying to sit up.
"You have to. You just got blown out of a building." Brian said trying to convince his friend.
Mike: Yeah Nick. Idiot.
"No! I don't want to." Nick said getting a little louder.
Crow: (as Nick) I get blown out of buildings every day! I'm fine!
Kevin was getting very annoyed with Nick's stubberness "You don't have time to argue, You're going."
"No! I'm not going and you can make me." He amost yelled this time.
Tom: (as Kevin) Exactly what I said. I CAN make you. So stop whining.
"Why Nick? Why won't you go? You're really hurt and you need medical help." Brian said trying to keep himself calm.
Mike: They misspelled that. I think it's supposed to be "clam".
"You know I hate hospitals and I'm fine. Really. I feel much better. Please don't make me go Brian. Please."
"Well..." He paused and looked at the angry expression on Kevin's face. "You should, but okay as long as you promise to get some sleep."
Crow: Mike, the next time I get blown out of a building just let me sleep it off, ok?
Mike: If you insist. But no bleeding on the sheets.
"I will, I will, I promise. Cross my heart." Nick promised.
* * * * *
"Hey, how's our little Nicky?" Howie asked as Brian walked in.
Tom: I'm lost. Where are they now?
Crow: I think they're back on the boat.
"Finally asleep, dispite everything. He doesn't even have a broken leg or anything, just a few scratches and one deep cut near his right ear." He said.
Mike: Who said?
"We should've made him go." Kevin said still arguing over that. "What if something happens while we're asleep? Like if he goes into a coma."
Crow: Well he won't be able to argue any more.
Tom: And he'll eat less.
Mike: And he'll probably stop carrying anchors around with him.
"Well, we'll just have to take turns watching him. Howie you go first." Brian said electing him.
"Why me?" Howie said confused.
Crow: Yeah, why him?
Tom: Brian and Kevin are damn bossy. Must be related.
"You slept on the way home that's why."
"Oh, okay." Howie sighed. "Night guys."
Crow: Don't let the teenyboppers bite.
Mike: And if you have another NSync nightmare, it's Kevin's turn to get you a glass of water.
"Time for a little cat nap. Nick'll be fine." Howie said to himself after he knew everyone was gone.
* * * * *
Nick was lying on his back in his bed tossing and turning.
Tom: So then technically he's not on his back, is he?
"Oh!" Nick sighed as he saw in his dream, this chamber coming up through his chest into a deep fog and these eight spider legs streched out as the chamber door opened. There he was, with his back to the door, then AJ, Howie and then Kevin.
Crow: Then AJ, Howie and Kevin WHAT?
Tom: Hey - this might mean AJ finally gets a line!
Mike: Guys, when did this start being an Alien fanfic?
"This won't hurt a bit." Kevin said sarcastically.
Tom: No reason AJ couldn't have said that.
"Just goin' to see what makes you tick." Howie said as he spun Nick's heart on his finger.
Mike: Howie was a Harlem Globetrotter before he joined the Backstreet Boys.
"No, please let me out!" He pleaded terrified.
"I think he's afraid." AJ said coldy.
All: (cheering) AJ's first line!
"No, I just don't want to. Brian, where's Brian?" He said scrambling to get away but was forced through the door. Bang! The door slammed shut with Nick inside as the others looked through a window in the door.
Tom: Because all houses convert to sci-fi torture labs in the middle of the night.
Kevin's deep voice said, "Zap him!" While they listened to Nick scream in agony through the door.
Mike: Nick's been through a lot in this fanfic. I wonder if it was written by an ex-girlfriend.
Crow: Or NSync.
"Eww, look at that." Howie said trying not to barf.
AJ discusted spat out, "Oh, it's hideous."
Tom: Well you two are no gems in the morning either, I'll have you know.
"I'll protect you from that ugly creature." Kevin said protectively as he laughed at Nick. Nick bursts out of the chamber totally deformed. He turns to face them, then his head pops up from his body.
Crow: More hideous than pop music...
Tom: ... more dangerous than an alien...
Mike: ... it's spontaneous tense changing!
"Roarr!" Nick roared.
"Ahhhh!!!" The others screamed in horror.
"Roarr!!!" He roared again.
Mike: All he does is roar?
Tom: No, in the mornings he curls up at your feet and purrs.
Mike: Well that's not so bad.
"Ahh!" Nick's head poped up from the pillow. "Just a dream, not real." He said relieved as he sighed slowly.
Crow: The old dream cop-out.
Just then he looked down and this glowing green ooze was coming out of his chest and it covered him in green. "Ahhhhggg!!!"
Crow: As opposed to the kind of green ooze that covers you in purple.
Mike: Is this fanfic going where I think it's going?
Tom: I'm afraid to look.
"What the Hell was that?" Howie's eyes quickly opened. He ran up the stairs and came into sight as he watched Nick's bedroom door being knocked down. He could hear the sound of things being smashed and thrown around. Howie slowly started to step closer when suddenly the door crashed at his feet.
Tom: (as Howie) Come quick! Nick's turned into Johnny Depp!
"Holy shit!!" Howie screamed as he was tackled to the floor by Nick drooling and growling.
"Roarr!!!" Nick roared, then ran as AJ came to see what was going on.
Crow: He's scared of AJ. Go figure.
"Howie what happened?" AJ asked utterly confused.
Tom: Nick turned into a rampaging alien that oozes green stuff. Pay attention!
"Some kinda psycho mustant nearly ripped my head off, that's what happened!" Howie yelled trying to be funny. "Hey Bone, it was big, it was ugly."
Crow: Speaking of big and ugly...
Slowly walking to Nick's smashed door, "It got Nick."
Tom: Again? Nick's dead, Nick's alive, Nick's dead... make up your mind!
Mike: I vote dead.
Crow: I second that vote.
* * * * *
Nick regained control of his body in the cave in the forest. Roaring as he looked ar his surroundings. A heavy rain poured down.
Crow: (as Nick) ROAR! Look ar my surroundings.
Mike: If he regained control of his body, why is he still roaring?
Tom: Cave? What cave? What happened to the boat?
Crow: Oh clam up, will you?
"I-I must..." He said in a deep voice that wasn't his.
Mike: It was on loan from a sound technician.
His chest opened to see a slimey green and red heart. Then the green ooze from his heart covered him again,"Roarr!" He yelled as he tried to change back.
Crow: "Let me show you the shape of my heart..."
Mike: When I saw we'd be reading a Backstreet fanfic, I somehow expected more romance and less ooze. Just shows how wrong I can be.
Tom: I expected more singing. So it's not all bad.
* * * * *
The rain had stopped when Nick awoke the next morning.
Crow: It hadn't melted him so he crossed "wicked witch" off his list of monster alter-egos.
"Ahh!" He said shaking his head as he sat up from the cave floor in horror. "Uh, what? How'd I get here?" He asked himself not remembering. "Ahh!" His head screamed as he saw in his mind what had
happened the night before.
Mike: Only his head screamed. His mouth was still asleep.
"Ugly creature." A deep voice said laughing.
Tom: Disembodied voices are all the rage in fanfics.
Mike: Everybody's got one. Don't you?
Tom: What do they sound like?
Mike: Like a voice without a body.
Crow: Can we get back to the thrilling story please? I've just GOT to know what happens to Nick.
"Ahh!" Nick screamed as his mind came back to reality. "No, it didn't happen. It couldn't have. What am I? What's happening to me?" He looked at the cave ceiling.
Mike: And the cave ceiling looked back at him.
Tom: Never get into a staring contest with cave ceilings. Let this be a lesson to us all.
* * * * *
"You found nothing?" Brian asked concered as Kevin and AJ walked in. Kevin shook his head slowly.
Tom: Concered? I wonder if that has anything to do with caves.
Mike: Like spelunking?
Tom: There's no need to be rude.
"I was up close and personal with that freak creature and I am tellin' ya Nick is in little pieces." Howie said.
"Okay then, if Nick's in little pieces Howie, where are those little pieces?" Kevin snapped back.
Crow: Everybody spread out and look for little pieces of Nick!
Mike: I think I found some hair over here...
Tom: ... an ear... an anchor...
"Don't give up so easily Howie. So far we found nothing, what that means is open to interpertation." Brian replied slowly.
Mike: You can interpert that any way you like.
Crow: No pieces, no Nick. Seems obvious to me.
Mike: That's just your interpertation.
"If you've got a theory, I'm sure we'd all like to hear it." AJ looked at Brian.
"No, not 'til I'm certain." Brian paused.
Tom: Fine, keep it to yourself.
"Get some rest all of you. We'll resume the search in two hours." Kevin said quite 'Dad' like.
Tom: Is two hours the magic amount of time needed to find a mutant Backstreet Boy?
Mike: No, it's how long Kevin needs to shake off the 'Dad' thing.
Crow: I hope 'Dad' isn't contagious. It's bad enough that Nick's got an ooze.
* * * * *
Kevin walked through the doors leading outside. "Howie, you and Brian head north into the forest."
Tom: (as Kevin) And I'll head south into that Hilton across the street. Don't call when you find something.
"Having a picnic without me?" Nick said sarcastically, looking totally human.
Mike: Like totally.
"Hey, Nick, you're looking good, ya know, for a dead guy!" Howie said humorously.
Mike: That Howie.
Tom: Yeah, he kills me.
"Nick, where have you been?" Kevin asked suspiciously.
"Sorry Kev, I was...taking care of that monster that tried to kill me." He said trying to look innocent.
"Really?" Kevin said arms crossed tapping his fingers on his arm.
Crow: Kevin's not buying it, Nick. Tell him about the cave!
Mike: Tell him you like his new haircut.
"Oh yeah! Yeah! It won't be bothering us again, you can count on that."
"Mmm. Well, since that's taken care of. You won't be needing us." Kevin said as he and Howie turned to walk back inside.
Mike: They're pretty calm about the whole thing.
Tom: Don't you mean "clam"?
"I'll be in after I see the creature's remains." Brian walked to Nick. "Lead the way."
Crow: Why is AJ never around when these disgusting things happen?
Tom: He's lucky.
Mike: Luckier than us, that's for sure.
Nick's mouth dropped and his eyes widened as they turned and walked toward the forest. As Nick and
Brian entered the forest and were walking along, Nick decided to speak up. "I don't see why we have to do this. Don't you trust me?"
Crow: What is love without trust, Brian?
"Nomally, yes but at the moment I think you're hiding something!"
"I'm not hiding, Anything!" Nick said angerly.
Mike: No good can come of this.
Tom: No good, Anything! And I say it angerly.
His eyes began to glow a bright green and he turned around trying to keep the green ooze in his body so he won't change into the creature. Brian watched Nick not being able to see anything though.>
Crow: I think the most frightening part about that whole scenario is the grammar.
Tom: Nick's oozing again. Do we have to keep reading?
"Why is everybody givin' me such a hard time?" Nick yelled turning back around.
Mike: (as Brian) Well, you ooze.
"Because we care and because I think I know the turth. I just want you to trust me enough to tell me." Brian said as he started to walk away.
"Alright, Alright!" Stomping his foot and sighing. "It's like this." He said in defeat as Brian walked back, really wanting to hear what had happened. Brian suddenly heard something moving in the bushes. He saw four bright red eyes.
Crow: Nick has glasses?
Tom: Apparently the monster inside him has poor vision.
Mike: Maybe it's a night vision thing .
"Nick, look out!" Brian said pushing him out of the way. Two wolves jumped out and knocked Brian to the ground.
Mike: Oh, there are wolves. We were way off.
Tom: Wolves, Nick, green ooze, what's the difference?
"B-Rok! No!!!" Nick watched. "No, Brian! Get away from him!" Nick yelled as he threw a big rock at one and ran up throwing the other against a tree. It got up and ran back into the bushes. As Nick watched the other wolf ripping Brian's skin. His eyes glowed that same errie green as they had before but this time he couldn't or didn't want to stop it. The green slowly covered Nick's body.
Crow: I think the author stole the green slime move from Nickelodeon.
"Ahhh!" Nick screamed. He had transformed and the pieces of what he used to look like fell to the ground.
Mike: You can't count on Nick, you know. He just falls to pieces in a crisis.
Tom: Yeah, I didn't see THAT one coming for miles.
"Roarrr!!!" Nick growled at the wolf.
"Nick, watch out for the other wolf." Brian yelled as the wolf on him bit harder. The green came up from Nick's chest.
Crow: Even while being chomped on by a wolf, Brian's first concern is his friend.
Mike: Brian is superhuman.
Tom: Brian is a dead man.
Crow: And could we get a little more green goo from Nick? There hasn't been quite enough yet.
"Which wolf? Oh, you mean this wolf right here." And the green shot the wolf away. The other wolf got off of Brian and turned to face Nick.
Mike: So the green is a like a laser cannon?
"You hurt my friend." Nick said talking to the wolf.
"Yes and now I shall hurt you!" The wolf said.
Tom: Sassy wolf.
Mike: They always waste so much time on dialogue during animal attacks.
Crow: Yeah, just get to the fight! Fight, fight!
"I don't think so. In fact I think it's time to kick some wolf butt!" Nick replied. Then the wolf bit Brian's neck, which totally pissed Nick off and they started fighting. Using his cell phone, Brian called the others.
Mike: Brian, there's a wolf on your neck. Now's really not the time for a social call.
"This is Brian. We need HELP!!!" He paused watching the fight. "I think?"
Crow: Well if the gaping hole in your neck doesn't bother you, it's ok by us.
"I hear noises, it's this way!" Howie called the others. When the wolf saw them coming he decided to split.
Tom: National Geographic this ain't.
"This isn't over." He said pointing to Nick as he ran into the forest. Howie, AJ and Kevin ran into the clearing. Kevin pulled out a gun.
Mike: Kevin's going commando. He's had enough.
Crow: You know, guns don't kill monsters. People do.
"Kevin no, it's Nick." Brian yelled.
"Nick?" Kevin looked confused.
"Yeah! Nick's like a cat. He used up his first life now he's on his second." Howie said. Brian slowly walked over with AJ help.
Tom: When life bites, call for AJ Help. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, AJ Help is there when you need it.
Mike: So when you said before that Nick purrs in the mornings, you weren't far off.
Tom: This fanfic is SO predictible. I saw the cat thing coming right away.
Mike: You lie.
"The tranformation's been rough." Brian explained.
Crow: Stating the blindingly obvious.
"It looks like he can't get out of it." AJ joked.
"He can't. Moron!" Kevin hissed.
Mike: Hey now, don't take it out on poor AJ. He barely gets lines as it is.
"He'll learn. He just needs a little guidance at the moment." Brian said kneeing down. "If I can just reach his heart."
Tom: This must be where the inspiration for Back To Your Heart came from.
"Roarrr!" Nick jumped as he tried to hit Brian.
"Easier said than done." AJ said.
"Easy, easy Nick. Use your heart, get control." Brian said still on his knees as Howie came closer.
Crow: (as Obi-Wan) Use the heart, Nick. The heart will always be with you.
Tom: Does anybody care that Brian's neck was chewed out by a crazed wolf?
Mike: Don't bother them with trifles. Can't you see they're busy?
"Yeah! Hey, nobody's gonna hurt ya." Howie said getting a little too close as Nick jumped up at him.
"Us, I'm not so sure about?"
Tom: Well you know how cats don't like to be petted when they're eating.
"We're here Nick, all of us, your friends, we know you can do it." Brian said looking into his friend's eyes. Nick stopped growling and looked at Brian funny. Then Brian put his hand to his heart and his other hand turned a light blue as he reached out to Nick's heart. The green from his heart started to glow.
Mike: Brian is E.T.!
Crow: I'm sensing a Spielberg moment here.
"Do it Nick. Tranform!!!" Brian said confidently.
Crow: Transformers, more than meets the eye...
"Roahhh!!!" Nick yelled as he changed back.
"Yes, you did it!" Brian yelled as he gave Nick a big hug.
Tom: If either of you turned into an oozing monster I'd wait awhile to hug you.
Crow: You can wait awhile even if I'm not a monster.
"Brian back off okay. You're embarrassing me!" Nick said quietly as Brian let go. "Ya lookin' at something?" Nick pointed at Howie and Kevin.
Mike: The whole green slimey monster transformation thing is fine and dandy but hugs are downright humiliating, truth be told.
"Oh joy, puberty!" Howie said as they started to walk home.
Crow: Am I the only one who finds Howie about as funny as roadkill?
When they got home Kevin called 911.
Mike: Again with the phone.
Brian was taken to the emergncy room to get treated for the wolf bites. Nick was taken to a special care unit. They took CAT scans
Tom: CAT scans! Get it?
and blood samples. He aslo had a few wolf bites that had to be treated. About 3:00am a doctor came out.
Crow: (as the doctor) Guys? There's something I have to tell you. I've been living a lie...
"Well? Are they alright?" Howie asked being the first one to see the doctor.
"Mr. Littrell is recovering well. You can see him in a few minutes, But Mr. Carter well... he's still in special care. The wolf bites are healing faster than I've ever seen any wound heal. The scars are even disappearing."
Mike: That's good news, right?
Tom: Good news for Teen Beat. Bad news for us.
"Do you know what's happening to him?" Kevin asked. The doctor shook his head.
"We think it might have something to do with that cut over his right ear, because that's the only injury that won't heal up." The doctor said then looked around AJ. "Miky! It's late, go back to your room."
Crow: Isn't it a bit late in the fanfic to be introducing new characters?
"Sorry, Dr. Scott." Miky, a small boy in a wheelchair said. He had been fighting cancer for almost six years.
Mike: Poor Miky. What does this have to do with Nick?
Tom: Nothing whatsoever. This is the emotional heartache part of the fanfic. Too bad it's totally unrelated to the Boys in any way.
The doctor turned around to face the guys again, "We have to run a few more tests to run on Mr.Carter."
Crow: HEY! This is the end!
Mike: You're right. Look, nothing but blank space from here on.
Tom: You mean we sat through all that just to be left in tortured suspense forever?
Crow: Well, I'll live.
Mike: Me too.
Tom: You don't care what happens to Miky?
Tom: In that case, let's eat. I'm starved.