Kirk sat at on the bridge, sipping his coffee, and admiring the view of the stars in front of him, as well as the view of Yeoman Rand, who was also in front of him.
"Keptin Kirk!" Ensign Chekov said in his amusing accent. "I hev picked up sometheeng strange on the sensors."
"Everything looks all right to me." Kirk replied. Then Rand moved, as she had to get off the bridge, and Kirk was forced to deal with the reality at hand.
"Shields up!" he commanded. "Phasers armed! Fire!"
"Uh...Keptin?" Chekov stuttered.
"Don't argue with me, ensign! I gave you an order!" Kirk barked.
"Captain," Spock said reasonably from the back of the bridge. "Perhaps we should try establishing first contact."
"Of course," Kirk replied smoothly. " I was just confused for a moment." He stood up and struck a dramatic pose. "Lieutenant Uhura, open hailing frequencies."
"Hailing frequencies open, Captain." Uhura replied.
"This is...James T. Kirk, Captain of the Federation vessel Enterprise. Please, respond." Kirk said emphatically.
There was a crackling noise coming from the speakers, and then a pictured formed on the screen.
"We are the Alberns," a strange figure replied. It was a tall being, human sized, covered in a thick fur, with antennae on its head. Another joined the first, and this one looked like a normal human woman, except she too had antennae.
"Nice to meet you." Kirk said with a tone obviously meaning that it was nicer to meet some of them than others.
"We would like to meet you face to face." The Albern said. "Shall we meet on the planet?"
"Captain, I left you a message in your quarters that we were orbiting the planet Halb 8 three hours ago." Spock said in a stage whisper.
"I think I was busy at the time." Kirk whispered back. "I was, uh, instructing Yeoman Rand on, uh, bridge protocol."
"You do that a lot lately." Spock said with his eyebrow raised. "She must be a slow learner."
"Ahem," the Albern cleared its throat. "What time should we meet you?"
"Oh, in about five minutes, I guess." Kirk said flippantly. "See you then. Kirk out."
"Captain," Spock said patiently. "You did not get the beam-down coordinates."
"We'll just guess." Kirk answered, looking at his nails. They needed to be trimmed.
"Guess?! Captain, that is highly illogical."
"Spock," Kirk started exasperatedly, "There comes a time in life where you need to realise the value of emotions. Humans have been able to use our emotions to create solutions that logic alone would fail to see. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my nails done." He left the bridge in a huff, leaving the confused Spock to ruminate on the pleasures of farming as a lifestyle.
The Alberns stood waiting on the large plateau of the mesa, waiting impatiently for the Federation group to appear.
Suddenly one of the subordinates noticed something. "Here they come!" it yelled. The group instantly straightened up, and tried to look impressive.
The humans came panting up the side of the hill. "Sorry we're late." Kirk said, gesturing to his entourage, consisting of Spock, Chekov and a redshirted security guard for luck. "It's been a three mile hike from our beam-down site to here."
"It is quite hot out, isn't it?" the Albern commented dryly. "Now, down to business."
"And that would be--?" asked Kirk.
"We are going to take over your ship! Get them!" cried the Albern. The others charged, and a fight broke out. Kirk started punching left and right, when he came across the female Albern. He grabbed her by the arm, intending to use her as a hostage but none of her people seemed to notice.
One of the Alberns killed the redshirt. "No!" yelled Kirk. "Not--whatever his name was! All right, that's enough of being Mr. Nice Captain!" He drew his phaser, and shot the offending alien. It collapsed at his feet, and he nudged it with his foot. Spock flipped open his communicator. "Seven--sorry, six--to beam up."
The transporter chief beamed the party as well as the hostage and the corpse, directly into Sickbay. Spock and Chekov hefted the dead Albern onto a medical table. "I'll take our hostage to the brig," Kirk said, holding on to the struggling woman. "Chekov, you go to the bridge. Spock, you find Doctor McCoy and preform an autopsy. I want a report as soon as I get back."
He stormed out of the Sickbay, Chekov straight on his heels. "Dr. McCoy?" Spock called.
"Here, Spock," McCoy answered, swaying a bit as he came out of his office. "I was just enjoying my breakfast."
"I'm sure you were," Spock said, waving the alcohol fumes away from his nose.
"Well, what have we here?" McCoy asked, eyeing the body on his table.
"It is an Albern." Spock replied. "The Captain has asked me to help with the autopsy."
"I don't think so, Spock," McCoy replied, snapping on his rubber gloves. "I can handle this by myself."
"As you wish," Spock acquiesced. He left the Sickbay and headed for the bridge.
Kirk lead his struggling captive down to the brig. "Why are you attacking us?"
"We're getting what we rightfully deserve!" she snapped.
"What's your name?" Kirk asked suavely.
"You know, you have really pretty eyes," he continued. She was beginning to weaken.
"I get them from my father," she said softly.
"What's your name?" Kirk asked again.
Kirk entered the bridge just as the ship shook violently. "What's going on?" he said, wiping lipstick from his chin.
"We are under attack." Spock answered, getting up and leaving the chair for the captain.
"Status report." Kirk ordered, striking a heroic pose.
"We're under attack from the Albern wessel, Keptin." Chekov replied.
"I see that, Ensign." Kirk snapped. "Engineering report?"
"We cannae take much more o' this, Captain." Scotty answered from the engineering station. "I dinnae think the shields can handle whit they're throwin' at us."
"Well, then fix the shields, Scotty."
"But tha' means crawlin' aroond in that daft tube!" Scotty whined.
"Do it, mister," Kirk warned, "Or I'll make you go back to pushing the buttons on the transporter."
"Ach," Scotty sighed, and headed down to engineering.
"Have you tried hailing them, Lieutenant?" Kirk asked.
"Hailing frequencies open," Uhura replied, shaking her head.
"I didn't ask you--What's the matter?"
"Hailing frequencies open?" she asked.
"No, I don't want--can you say anything else?"
"Hailing frequencies open." she said sadly, shaking her head.
"Maybe if you took that damn thing out of your ear--oh, never mind." Kirk slumped in his seat. Just then, McCoy's voice came over the intercom.
"Jim, you should come down here." he said. Then he hiccuped.
"Bones, I'm a little busy at the moment."
"You might want to see this before you form your plan."
"Plan?" asked Kirk. "I thought we were just going to beat them." Spock shrugged.
"All right, I'll be down in a moment, Bones. Spock, you have the bridge. Don't forget to call Scotty every three seconds and annoy the hell out of him while he's trying to concentrate." Kirk called out over his shoulder as he headed off the bridge. Spock nodded, and sat in the command chair.
"Ah, Jim." Bones said as Kirk came in the door. "Drink?"
"Don't mind if I do." Kirk excepted the shot drink and drank it. "What's up?"
"`What'! That's my secret word for the day. Here, now you have to drink again." McCoy poured another whisky.
"Okay...what did you find?" Kirk said, accepting the double and downing it in a gulp.
"I found something really interesting..." McCoy said, trailing off.
"What?" prompted Kirk.
"Ha ha!" McCoy poured him another. "What I found," he continued, pouring himself a drink, and nearly missing the glass in the meantime, "Was something very interesting."
"You said that already." Kirk answered.
"So I did," McCoy said, swaying slightly. He punched Kirk on the shoulder. "You were always a bright boy, Jim."
He led them over to the table, where the Albern was lying. "What does this look like to you?" McCoy said, pouring yet another glass.
"It looks like..." Kirk squinted. "It looks like a guy wearing green carpet with pipe cleaners on his head."
"Very good!" McCoy nearly fell over. "Such a bright boy. Now look." He rolled the dead body over, to reveal a zipper. Together the two unzipped the fearsome creature to expose a young man with a shirt on that said: "Paramount Productions".
"I think I know what's happening," Kirk said.
"Ha ha! You said `what'!" chuckled McCoy, attempting to pour Kirk another drink. "But then, so did I!" He started drinking the whisky straight from the bottle as Kirk left the Sickbay. "Such a bright boy." McCoy tossed aside the empty bottle. He swayed for a moment, then lost his balance and fell over. He rolled under the bed and promptly fell asleep.
Scotty squeezed himself down the tube. Was it just him, or was the tube becoming a tighter fit?
"Mister Scott," buzzed the communicator. "How are the repairs coming?"
"I'm doing ma best, Mister Spock," he replied. He inched his way down, and positioned himself in front of the hole in the tube.
"Mister Scott." Spock's voice floated around in the air. "Report status?"
"I'm still where ye left me!" Scott shouted. "Let me work!"
"Understood. Spock out."
Swearing under his breath, Scotty started fiddling, using only his fork as a tool.
"GOD ALMIGHTY! CAN'T YE LEAVE ME ALONE FER ONE MOMENT?!" yelled Scotty.
"I believe you are becoming emotional. Perhaps you need to relax. I am, after all, only following Standard Starfleet Procedure."
"I know, Mister Spock. Scott out." Scotty sighed, and started fiddling again, and nearly had the precise calibration of equipment when suddenly his mind went blank. What connected with the green wire? Was black the live one? Or white? Which was the ground wire? Further more, what the hell did the teal wire connect to? Scotty waited for Spock to call in, but for the first time since their mission began, he didn't. Scotty smacked his forehead in aggravation, and took a deep breath before connecting the green and white wires. Nothing happened. Cursing every single curse he knew, Scotty connected the green and black. The resulting charge nearly blew up the ship, and further more, caused all the lights on the consoles to go out. Scott untied the two wires, and finally connected the green and teal wires.
Power was instantly restored, and Scott sighed with relief.
"Mister Scott," came a voice.
"Ach, go and soak yer head," Scotty muttered as he crawled out of the tube.
"Excuse me?" asked Spock on the bridge, but Scotty didn't answer. Just then Kirk stormed onto the bridge.
"Uhura, open hailing frequencies." he ordered.
"Hailing frequencies open." she replied happily.
"Albern ship, we know your plan."
"We do?" asked Chekov quietly. Sulu shrugged.
"Oh, you do, do you?" laughed the alien.
"Yes--we know that you're really extras in disguise, out for revenge." Kirk said grandly, making an authoritative pose.
"How--how--did you know?" stuttered the "alien".
Kirk merely laughed in response, and rolled his eyes, causing his cowlick to flip around. "I have a plan, though--you extras can go off and make your own series, thereby giving yourselves starring roles."
"That's a good idea." mused the actor, busy taking off his costume. "What about Sally?"
"She's decided to stay on as a Yeoman." Kirk replied.
"Oh well. I guess it's her decision..." the actor trailed off. "Thanks for the great plan. I guess we'll be going." The screen clicked off, and they watched the ship turn and head off towards deep space. Captain Kirk suddenly had a thought occur to him.
"Mister Spock," he asked, " What was their heading?"
"They're heading out into deep space." Spock replied, checking his instruments. "In fact, they're heading towards a meteor storm--they should be careful not to let the meteors damage their piloting computer, or they might end up Lost in Space."
"That's a risk we'll let them take." Kirk said, settling down. Just then, McCoy came onto the bridge. "Jim! There you are. Good plan." Kirk shrugged faux-modestly. "It's plans like that one that a Vulcan is no good for."
"Doctor?" queried Spock, with an eyebrow raised. "I think it was a purely logical plan."
"That's where you're wrong--the plan was based on the emotion of revenge. Since Jim understands revenge, the plan worked."
"What are you talking about, doctor?" asked Spock, both eyebrows raised.
"Ahahaha! You said `what'!" McCoy whipped out a bottle of whisky and started drinking. He started back towards sickbay, catching himself in the elevator doors.
That's when the bridge crew [except Spock, of course] had their hearty laugh.
As for Spock, he was calculating the price of a small bungalow in a quiet suburb somewhere.
The End [Feel free to hum the closing credits.]